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Heartiste, of the Chateau Heartiste, isn’t just an unending source of ludicrously overcooked, try-hard bromides against fatties, liberals and “vibrants,” his favored term of art for people whose skin isn’t white. No, once in a while the alleged pickup artist actually gives out some advice on how to score with the HBs of the world.
Today, he’s got some amazing advice on how to pick up “red state prole chicks.” Well, “amazing” in the sense that videos of people popping infected cysts using rusty nails in their backyard are “amazing” — that is, gross and wrong but you can’t look away.
Anyway, brace yourself, because the master is about to unload a tip worth its weight in pus:
Here’s the trick, should you find yourself deep in bucolic red territory: Deck yourself out in a piece of clothing or an accessory with insignia that clearly identifies some media, fashion, or arty conglomerate. …
Cute prole girls are salt of the earth, but they love the fantasy of the blue city alpha male with connections and a social calender bursting with fruit flavor. Dat “expert from afar” feel. Wearing something that signals you work for one of those dream companies, true or not, is a honey cock trap for inexperienced naifs.
Huh. I still have an umbrella with the Money magazine logo on it from when I used to work there. (In my defense, it was free.) I had no idea it could be used in HB acquisition.
BRB, booking a flight to Alabama.
WE HUNTED THE MAMMOTH FRIDAY CHALLENGE: Work the phrase “honey cock trap” into conversation.
Challenge accepted.
I love that the blog on which he writes drivel like this is subtitled “where pretty lies perish.”
“Calendar bursting with fruit flavor”???!!! What does that mean?
So all men have accessories from places they work and they wear/carry them everywhere?
Even in red states, you can purchase clothing and accessories with company name and logos on them, so I don’t get how this works.
‘inexperienced naifs’ isn’t that a tautology?
I’ve a better piece of advice, why not steal a bathrobe from a really expensive hotel and wear it about town like a dandyish overcoat just to show the girlies what a sophisticated high roller you are?
I don’t know about any “honey cock trap” but I once had a guy on an online dating site try to lure me in with a supposed “golden cock”. I wonder if this is a step up from Heartiste’s efforts?
@Machine Gun Sally
I thought the “golden cock” was the award that goes to the woman who rides the cock carousel for the longest time. Something like this.
@Scarlett
Exactly. Anyone who tries this advice is unlikely to stand out from the crowd down south.
On the other hand, has anyone seen his article on how to look more manly if you live in the city ? He practically advises dressing up as Crocodile Dundee.
https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/03/10/how-the-urban-man-can-be-more-masculine/
First off, I work for one of the larger media companies on the planet. I’ve got… one thing I can think of with the company logo on it that I could theoretically flash in this way. Somehow, I don’t think my portable device battery is going to be that big of a draw, though.
Second:
These guys can’t hit their own goals hard enough, can they? If non-Caucasians are ‘vibrants’, then that would make Caucasians… well, let’s look at that thesaurus, shall we?
I’m used to manospherians slandering their fellow men by suggesting we’re all slathering sex-urges, virtually life-support systems for a penis with no higher brain functions. But this is the first time I’ve seen one of them also be equally dismissive of his own race, as well. The poorly concealed self-loathing is strong in this one.
At last, a use for my t-shirt that just says EGG TEMPERA !!
@spindrift
I would display that proudly in my home.
Says it all, really.
Living as I do in red state prole country, I would just like to point out that people here don’t see someone with a John Deere gimme cap and assume that they must be a John Deere executive; likewise, if they’re wearing the Dolce & Gabbana logo, no one will assume they are Italian fashion experts. That advice assumes the “red state prole chick” is a refugee from the “Dumb and Dumber” movies, and is bigoted and stupid.
Someone wearing a tee-shirt with a corporate logo signals that they’re a fan of that corporation, scored a free tee-shirt at some point or work in retail.
Fave Heartarse Comment:
Indeed!
I’m amazed he didn’t just tell all men, everywhere, to dress in head-to-toe Ed Hardy, roll in a pile of dirt, and then splash themselves with monkey blood. The urban sophistication will blow red-state girls off their feet, while the douchey tattoo theme will have those hipster girls enthralled — and the blood? What girl doesn’t find a man drenched in deer/chicken/monkey/human blood and guts more alluring? That’s why Cary Grant always had a few feet of intestines wrapped around his neck like an aviator scarf, because it makes the chicks swoon.
For a final touch, get a body piercing and dangle a socket wrench from it to display your Mr.-fix-it prowess AND your pain tolerance!
I am once again left wondering why these guys try to sleep with women they clearly think so little of.
Second fave Heartarse Comment:
“Golly, is that linen or a cotton blend? Either way, it surely signals better mating outcomes. Shazam!”
Sure, go on out to Fox News Land, demonstrate that you’re a Coastal Elite, and then act snooty. Seventy percent of the time, it works every time!
No, I’m not shopping that in.
The ‘punch yourself in the dick until it collapses’ bit reminded me of a snippet of useless knowledge I picked up: In the Elizabethan era it was common medical belief that penises and vaginas were basically the same organ, just vaginas were sort of an inverted penis. Therefore if a woman got jolted around too much her vagina might ‘fall out’ and turn into a penis, and vice versa. There were apparently lots of stories about women who fell off horses and turned into men.
Now that I think about it, this might explain a lot about these PUAs; they actually come from five hundred years ago.
@apeculiar — You just made my day! I’m going to jump up and down now and see if my vagina falls out. If only Freud had known about this easy cure for penis envy!
Isn’t it true that cows’ uteri can fall out (prolapse)? Maybe that’s where they got the idea. In All Creatures Great and Small, it seems like Herriott spends half his time trying to stick one cow or another’s uterus back in …
I usually try to avoid anything trolls like Heartiste says, but, holy noodle, that’s amazing. Every little bit of advice he gives is goddamn hilarious.
Heartiste is the Cosmopolitan “Eight Crazy Sex Tips” guy for PUAs. “Drive them wild with this crazy technique!” Hilarious.
Oh, wait, he’s serious? Holy shit.
– pzmyers
Well, there is a tendency from PuA to see women in the “abstract” sense, and not as real people. I guess this might extend to others “outside” of the PuA zone of equals. “Red State Prole People” is likely an *idea* – not people he empathizes with as, well, *people*.
Does a hard kick work? (NSFW)
I don’t understand the connection between the “proletariat” and the “bucolic” areas of red states. I’m assuming he means low income women from rural areas, but the use of the word “proletariat” is really poorly applied, almost bordering on catachresis.
Isn’t there a whole subgenre of Country music about how women like salt-of-the-Earth Manly Man country men better than they like us effete urban types?
Raising livestock on your roof. What an easy, cost effective way to make yourself more attractive to women.