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Men! Fight the "seductive succubi eager to harvest us for our resources" with this tasty chicken recipe

Begone, demoness! For I have eaten a delicious low-cost chicken dinner!
Begone, demoness! For I have eaten a delicious low-cost chicken dinner!

The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive continues! If you haven’t already, please consider sending some bucks my way. (The PayPal page will say you are donating to Man Boobz.) Thanks!

Several months back, you may recall, A Voice for Men’s master chief chef Paul Elam launched what he claimed would be a weekly cooking column in order to share some of his highly masculine cooking expertise with the half-dozen Men Going Their Own Way who read his site.

Alas, after two columns blathering about the food truths the evil gynocracy is trying to suppress, he managed to post only one recipe for chili powder before abandoning the project and wandering off to yell at women on the internet. I guess we shouldn’t complain too much, for as Elam has pointed out, yelling at women on the internet is the highest form of human rights activism.

But fear not, masculine food eaters! Men hoping to learn how to Go Their Own Way in the kitchen now have a new champion: AVFM’s chief succubi monitor August Løvenskiolds, who has stepped up with a cooking column for manly men that if anything is even more manly than Elam’s efforts in the genre.

First up, a recipe for chicken. As McLøvenskiolds points out, chicken is an inexpensive source of tasty protein, perfect for MGTOWers on a limited budget.

The MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) lifestyle, ideally, involves both a real-world withdrawal of men from women and a reduction in the large excess of productivity by men necessary to support the pampering of women through the state’s taxation of men’s natural high productivity.

Men like me who choose this path may experience a decline in disposable income as we no longer strive to be the stripper pole of cash climbed by needy, seductive succubi eager to harvest us for our resources.

Eating chicken is a perfect way to put those nasty feminazis on notice. Indeed, you can pick up an entire family pack of frozen chicken breasts for “the price of buying some crazy feminist harpy two sour apple martinis.”

So how do you transform this frozen meat into tasty food? McLøvenskiolds starts out with this amazing recipe:

remove from freezer and wrapping, plop onto a pan and place into a 450 degree Fahrenheit (about 230 Celsius) oven for about an hour or less.

While you are waiting, get on Twitter and give hell to any feminists you can find.

At the end of an hour you will find a beautiful, tasty (if a little dry) roasted chicken breast.

While this recipe, along with veggies, cheap wine and dipping sauce, will provide you with a (slightly dry) eating experience that “Caesar would envy two thousand years ago,” McL goes above and beyond with a SECOND recipe for chicken breasts.

You may want to sit down, as this recipe has several steps to it beyond removing the chicken breast from the freezer and cooking it.

I force-thawed the still-bagged chicken breast in a small container under a leaky faucet dripping slowly on top of it. It took about 50 minutes to thaw. Two twitter feminists screamed and blocked me while I was waiting. I then preheated the oven to 400 degrees (about 205 Celsius).

Yes, that’s right. You will be “force-thawing” the chicken breasts and preheating the oven AT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME. Take THAT, femiharpynazis!

After this, you cut open the breast and stuff it with garlic, butter and your herb of choice. And then bake it. Also, you can stuff the chicken with other things if you like. As McL points out, you don’t need to get “affirmative consent” before stuffing the chicken.

Get it, get it? It’s like you’re raping the chicken! Because what kind of MGTOW recipe would this be without a rape joke?

A cheap, delicious meal – costing two to four bucks – and a nightmare for feminists.

Living well is sweet revenge.

Sitting at home by yourself thinking evil thoughts about feminazis while eating a chicken breast that you stuck some stuff into is pretty much the dictionary definition of a life well-lived.

In any case, all this talk of food has inspired me to post a recipe of my own. I call it “Pistachio Surprise.”

  1. Buy a bag of pistachios.
  2. Eat the pistachios.

Serves one.

Next week, I may share my recipes for leftover pizza and/or toast.

And while I’m at it, here are some delicious cheese recipes courtesy of Roz Chast.

Deliciously cheesy!
Deliciously cheesy!

 

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Lady Mondegreen
9 years ago

A cheap, delicious meal – costing two to four bucks – and a nightmare for feminists.

What’s the nightmare, his obsessive online blather, or the fact that he managed to feed himself without help from a woman?(?)

Either way–yeah, take that, feminists!

Lady Mondegreen
9 years ago

My nightmares usually involve poltergeists. Or zombies.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a nightmare about a dude eating chicken.

katz
9 years ago

I think he meant “a nightmare for anyone forced to eat it.”

katz
9 years ago

Also, price: $2-$4 is not really a great value for a budget-minded home-cooked meal. I mean, sure, it’s not going to break the bank, but if you were trying to save money you could get a $2 pack of spaghetti and a $3 jar of sauce and feed a whole family.

Jenny (@dontgiveah00t)

Like David Futrelle, I prefer to buy a rotisserie chicken if I’m buying a whole one, because my oven isn’t very good so I don’t roast meat a lot. And I live in Australia and we use Centigrade, so anything about Farenheit or ‘gas mark’ leaves me easily confused – and even I thought there was something odd about a) roasting chicken straight from frozen without any form of defrosting, b) the temperature did look funny, and c) no sort of flavouring on it whatsoever (barring of course the possibilities of allergies).

Jenny (@dontgiveah00t)

Having said that? I make soups and chillies and hummus and tzatziki like a boss. And from that rotisserie chicken I will create chicken chilli, chicken pasta, chicken quesadillas/tacos, and from the bones I will make a stock that causes the gods to weep in envy.

Malitia
Malitia
9 years ago

My nightmares generally feature slimy, cold blooded creatures*… I suppose this guy could qualify, but the chicken not so much (not even when cooked terribly).

* Like worms, frogs and such. Oddly, as I’m not afraid of them when awake. This goes both ways: I’m deadly afraid of heights… but dreams of flying? No problem. My brain works in mysterious ways. O.o

David Rutten
9 years ago

Never was a link to Regular Ordinary Swedish Mealtime more appropriate… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2s0aOhkjmY

Moggie
Moggie
9 years ago

Lady Mondegreen:

I don’t think I’ve ever had a nightmare about a dude eating chicken.

How about a dude-eating chicken?

Kootiepatra
9 years ago

I mean, if you really, really want to start with frozen chicken, and really, really, want to avoid putting in any effort, you can still do it. You just need implement of sorcery called a “crock pot”.

Step 1: At breakfast time, put frozen chicken breasts in a crock pot. My mom used to make 5 pounds at a time.
Step 2: Pour a jar of salsa over said frozen chicken breasts.
Step 3: Put that sucker on low heat and don’t even bother looking at it the rest of the day.
Step 4: At dinner time, mess it up with a couple of forks.
Step 5: Whack some of the resulting stringy chicken into a tortilla, or on top of some rice. Top it with taco stuff.

Voila. Moist, flavorful chicken that you don’t have to know a jot about cooking to accomplish. Plus, your house will smell awesome all day.

Although maybe using a crock pot is just not manly enough for these dudes. Maybe if they were to paint over the “R”?

Paradoxical Intention
9 years ago

Moggie | March 23, 2015 at 5:42 am
How about a dude-eating chicken?

That reminds me of this state fair “freak show” attraction I saw once. It was a bunch of random animals and things that were all really cool to look at, but had the stylings of an old time “freak show”. Like a “Naked Cat Lady” who turned out to be a Sphynx cat. Still really cool.

And they had a 6-foot Man Eating Chicken. Which is exactly what it sounds like. A cutout of a man who was six-foot tall, eating chicken.

RaikonL
RaikonL
9 years ago

You know, do you remember how the Men going their own Way people claimed that they actually have more money because they don’t spend it on women? And now they say that their lifestyle causes them to be short on cash.

Is anything they say consistent?

dhag85
9 years ago

1. Take meat.

2. Put meat in mouth.

3. Is it cooked? If no, follow instructions. If yes, skip ahead to 6.

5. Take meat out of mouth.

5. Put meat in oven. Turn dials until oven seems warm.

6. Put meat in mouth.

7. Chew meat.

8. Swallow meat.

9. BENGHAZI

Ps. Yes there are two step 5. Shut up.

Paradoxical Intention
9 years ago

guest | March 23, 2015 at 1:31 am
Re potato chip recipe–if you don’t have a mandoline (which I don’t), you can use a potato peeler. Genius.

Oooh! Great suggestion! I was talking to a friend of mine earlier, and he had cut his finger on a mandoline slicer slicing potatoes, actually. ; u ;

Kootiepatra
9 years ago

You know, do you remember how the Men going their own Way people claimed that they actually have more money because they don’t spend it on women? And now they say that their lifestyle causes them to be short on cash.

I’m pretty sure that “short on cash” is code for “living off of the charity of a longsuffering relative, rather than actively seeking any kind of gainful employment and/or marketable craft.” Because down with the gynocracy and all that.

misseb47
misseb47
9 years ago

Paradoxical Intention-Thanx for the chip recipe! It they look delcious. I must try it someday.

monopole-That’s awesome! Thanks for sharing. I think that’s the method Heston Blumenthal and the other chefs at the Fat Duck use. 🙂 The first time I have heard of him is on Heston’s Feasts. The man is a freaking genius. 😀

Vanir (@Vanir85)
9 years ago

The only feminist nightmare here, would be having to EAT this cooking. Between the rape joke and the barely controlled hatred of women spilling from this dude’s every orifice – there is ONE logic fallacy that stands out – ONE thing I DO bother to question.

Aren’t MGTOW men who go their own way because they are “disgusted” by the modern women living free and enjoying things not being a servant and *having a career*? So, do they WANT women to have to depend on men for money (you know, like a vile stay-at-home succubi), or to be free to earn their own income (like the man-and-family-hating feminazis modern women are)???

AnAndroid
AnAndroid
9 years ago

Honestly, whenever I think of elam’s attempt at “Manly cooking advice” (and now this) I always think of thse guys and this oooooooold youtube series.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
9 years ago

Apparently, a central part of the MGTOW ideology is to avoid paying taxes,because an organized society with welfare only benefits women, or something.

If you earn little, you don’t pay much taxes proportionally, and certainly not in absolute numbers. Of course, then you need to live on a low budget, but that’s easier if you also don’t have a family or go around buying random women passive-aggressive sour drinks or whatever normal men do to get laid.

Men opting out from supporting families and the society is supposed to be a horror to feminists, and presumably women generally. Caveman cuisine is just a tangential phenomenon.

AltoFronto
AltoFronto
9 years ago

Ooh, my go-to “I can’t be bothered to cook” recipe is for Avocado pasta –
It takes 10 minutes and feeds 2 people:

Put 2 portions of pasta on to boil.
Take the pulp of 1 ripe avocado, 2 cloves garlic, 2 tbsp lemon juice, 1 tsp coriander or lemon thyme, black pepper to season & stick them in a blender. Whiz it up into a creamy sauce.
Stir the sauce through the cooked pasta and cover liberally in parmesan cheese.

My mum is a lousy cook because she hates cooking, but even she knows a delicious chicken recipe:

Rub crushed garlic onto enough fresh chicken pieces (legs & breasts) to serve everyone & put them in a casserole dish.
Mix 1 tin cream of mushroom soup with 1 500g pot Greek yoghurt & pour over the chicken.
Sprinkle with paprika.
Cook at 200*C for about 30 minutes (plenty of time to waste on the internet), before putting on a pan of rice. Add cloves and star anise to the rice for extra flavour.
After 10 minutes for the rice to cook through, take out the chicken (cut into it to check that it’s fully cooked) and serve on rice with lots of the mushroom sauce.

Those are two recipes I know off the top of my head that require such little effort and are much better than plain, dry chicken breasts (ugh!)

And if those aren’t manly enough, here’s a dude who makes domestic competence sexy:
http://www.cookingcomically.com/

Vanir (@Vanir85)
9 years ago

Living well is sweet revenge.

If this cooking is an indication of how “well” they live, I almost pity them… and then I remember what hateful creeps they are. However; revenge for WHAT? For women existing? Not sucking men off on command? Not being their little waifu slaves? What?

I’m suspecting pathological levels of entitlement are at work, here.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
9 years ago

450 degrees for an hour = a little dry? Seems like a recipe for charcoal briquettes.

It’s the classic “dinner is ready when the fire alarm goes off”.

Anyway, real men cook meat by setting a forest on fire and then looking for half-burned animal carcasses.

If he really didn’t want to waste resources (er, the sweat of man’s brow), he shouldn’t be eating meat, period. Meat takes substantially more resources to produce than vegetables/grains/etc.

Or at least not eating mostly just meat. Of course manly men aren’t concerned about sustainability but even considering just money, unless you have some weird health issues you can eat cheaper and still healthy using relatively little animal products.

You get the impression that eating meat is some kind of masculine principle here. Or maybe the author is a bodybuilder, or buys into some kooky “high-protein” diet. Or all of the above.

He seems to prefer chicken breast over other not-so-expensive meats because it’s a relatively low-fat protein source, rather than because he really loves chicken breast. I’d recommend him to stop bodybuilding and cut down on protein if he wants to save money (not to mention his health or the environment), but he clearly wants an excuse to eat lots of meat.

Dvärghundspossen
9 years ago

Hm. I’m a vegan for animal rights reasons, but apparantly it goes really well with my feminism too, since chicken breasts are “a feminist nightmare”. Who’d have thought.

Viscaria
Viscaria
9 years ago

There is just something really sad about a man sitting at home after a long day at his low-paying spite job, working his way through his tasteless spite chicken, waiting vainly for the day some woman notices he’s not starving to death and feels so inexplicably threatened by it that she will start cooking all of his meals for free.

Dvärghundspossen
9 years ago

I read through the whole thread and it’s hilarious. 😀 Thanks for all the laughs, folks. And now I know how to eat a chicken LIKE A MAN!