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My 5 Favorite Overblown Pronouncements from the Return of Kings post "5 Things Wrong With Modern Music."

Miley Cyrus, destroying civilization
Miley Cyrus, destroying civilization

I always enjoy it when weirdo ideological alarmists try to write about pop culture. There’s something that’s just so, well, adorable about someone spewing forth angry, pompus tirades, full of bluster and overwrought prose, on the alleged culture-destroying properties of, say, Miley Cyrus.

The recent Return of Kings post “5 Things Wrong With Modern Music” is a lovely example of this genre of criticism, even though one of its points, that modern pop music is too clinically perfect for its own good, and could use a few more rough edges, is actually pretty much on the mark. But even when what author G.W. Rees says is more or less correct, the way he says it is risible. Also, he’s wildly incorrect most of the time.

So without further ado, here are My 5 Favorite Overblown Pronouncements from the Return of Kings post “5 Things Wrong With Modern Music.”

1) “Have you ever seen a room full of women in their twenties singing along to filth this shameless, while grandmothers stare catatonically on in horror, parents guffaw and smirk in direction of the floor, and the more “enlightened” boomers laugh delightfully as if the behaviour their daughters are displaying is of no significance at all?”

I’m going to go with “no” here.

2) “Whores, whores, and more whores. It seems like every other contemporary popstar parades herself with more zeal than a common street hussy.”

“Hussy.” Haven’t heard that one in a while, but then again I don’t usually spend a lot of time hanging out with 90-year-old  misogynists.

3) “A dystopia where all things sexual have been reduced to an amoral form of childish amusement, and the segment of the population who have historically been the nurturers and caregivers of a society have decided to shirk the honourable traditions of their forebears and turn feral.”

It’s true. Most female pop stars are not socialized to humans and do not feel comfortable around them. They do not like to be touched. They are unlikely to “meow” in their attempts to communicate with humans. Many live in colonies with other feral pop stars.

4) “Blue jeans, fast food, Walmart, Hollywood, suburbs, and…”sick beats.” These are all emblematic of the colossally hideous Jabba The Hut-like behemoth—known as globalization—currently devouring tradition and genuine cultures.”

So you’re complaining about Hollywood colonizing the world … using a metaphor based on Jabba the Hut, a character from a blockbuster Hollywood movie that colonized the world?

5) “[T]he broadcasting of such content via mass media in conjunction with the female proclivity towards herd mentality spawns a toxic synergy. Such a combination ultimately results in debased sexual moral standards for young women and the normalization of slatternly behaviour, in turn sowing the seeds of cultural rot and the decline of our once mighty civilization.”

Ok, but it’s got a good beat, and you can dance to it. I give it a 72.

Oh, and speaking of Miley (which at least one of these quotes was doing), she’s not the only one destroying culture.

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Jack
Jack
5 years ago

So wait, is this guy trying to say that he was born in le wrong generation?

Falconer
5 years ago

@PI:

And now Fem!Thor’s outselling dude Thor.

And after Secret Wars in May, Marvel’s axing 33 titles, including Thor and Amazing Spider-Man. The Mary Sue is confident that most of those titles are going to come back. Probably for a soft reboot, like when they started re-numbering ASM in like 2000 and went back to the old numbers in time to proclaim #500.

@LBT:

I love comics, but sometimes, I wish I could take a spritzer bottle to the self-righteous fans who act like an entire genre belongs to them.

The trick is to not let them see you with the bottle, or they’ll figure it out and still get on the counter claim an entire medium.

dhag85
5 years ago

So, are sick beats misandry now?

Falconer
5 years ago

Stupid Taylor Swift, sinking her nefarious tunes into my head so I think about Starbucks lovers all the time now. (How’s that for a mondegreen? The line is “long list of ex-lovers.”)

Tessa
5 years ago

Falconer:

And after Secret Wars in May, Marvel’s axing 33 titles, including Thor and Amazing Spider-Man. The Mary Sue is confident that most of those titles are going to come back. Probably for a soft reboot, like when they started re-numbering ASM in like 2000 and went back to the old numbers in time to proclaim #500.

There’s so much going on in the new Thor comics that the only thing they’ll resolve by issue 8 (Last issue before Secret Wars) is Thor’s identity. It better come back after secret wars. Though at least she’ll be in a few comics during secret wars. Including THORS, a sort of Thor police force where the different universes’ Thors team up and solve murders.

LBT (with open writeathon!)

RE: Falconer

The trick is to not let them see you with the bottle

Seriously! The more I read about the history of comics, the more obvious it is that the idea that comics were always Marvel and DC marketing superheroes to boys is FICTION. (It also helps that my specialty is LGBT comics.)

A lot of the CREATORS were men, but they weren’t stupid. They knew that little girls had pocket money too. In my opinion, part of why the mainstream US comics market is doing so poorly is because they aren’t reaching out to young kids, or women, or other people who used to be comics’ bread and butter. I’m really glad to see the indy scene blossoming with webcomics and manga coming in, making it proof that you can sell things to people outside the nerdboy demographic.

Falconer
5 years ago

@LBT: Hear, hear! That’s my take on it, too. There were so many genres back in the Golden Age that disappeared somewhere along the way.

Thalia
Thalia
5 years ago

A dystopia where all things sexual have been reduced to an amoral form of childish amusement

This was posted on RETURN OF KINGS!? Oh, the irony.

deniseeliza
deniseeliza
5 years ago

Loving men or “loving cock” isn’t a fatal flaw for feminism. Feminism doesn’t rely on hating men.

LBT (with open writeathon!)

RE: cock addiction

*uncomfortable look* I dunno about you, G.W., but I love my husband for a lot of reasons, not just “he possesses a penis–I MUST JUMP ON IT.” That’s… not a particularly kind thing to say of men, eesh. Do you really feel your gender has nothing more to bring to the table?

RE: Falconer

There were so many genres back in the Golden Age that disappeared somewhere along the way.

Blame Wertham, the Comics Code Authority, and the advent of television and the fall of public transit. That’s what I do.

(The history I read actually made the interesting theory that the reason Japan’s comics market flourished while the US’s flopped was that it didn’t have TV in households until later, and there’s no better time to read than when you’re stuck in public transit.)

Fibinachi
5 years ago

Wait, hang on, stop. Just stop.

“A dystopia where all things have been reduced to an amoral form of childish amusement”.

Amoral. As in, without impact on moral considerations? Outside the frame of moral frameworks? Actually I think viewing sexual relations between people as an amoral childish amusement could do a lot of good for a lot of people; you’d get rid of all that pesky moralizing and attribution of inherent value to a specific set of behaviours and instead just let people do what they want to do when they want to do it because you’re not making moral judgements on an amoral system. That sure would be nice! I bet you’d get laid more, too, mr. RoK poser. Sorry I mean poster.

Because there’s evidently something about sex that just makes people incapable of thinking.

For your edification I present to the jury the the words of R. Lindsay, which I read, who knows why.

I am glad to hear that there are those of you who wish to create trends with this movement that emulate its fine potential as one of the Great Human Emancipatory Movements. Certainly feminism is a multitendency movement. I wish you luck with the creation of more sane tendencies with this female human rights movement.

Trends, multitendency, tendencies. Hm. I feel as if someone could easily have slipped in a “trend-able” and “trending” in that sentence cluster, and now that they haven’t, I’m missing out.

Also is there a rule that people with no capacity to argue coherently have to construct odd clusters that read like a series of precision mallet hits to the brain? “Emulate its fine potential as a GHEM”. Emulate? Emulate? As in, surpass by copy? I bet this entire spiel is going to be about how feminists just aren’t original.

Feminism deals more with rape, violence, income, and media issues towards women; not a hatred of men.

Sure, of course, but a basic element of hatred for male sexuality itself is part of all of this. How do I know this? I have been reading feminist websites and material for years now. The hatred towards men is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I used to believe that feminists line that “they say we all hate men and that’s a lie!” until I started reading a lot of their stuff.

Could you point an example of this? No, no, sorry, asking for sources and citations and references is uncharitable of me, I know, I should just accept that it’s obvious that feminists hate men – you can cut their thick hatred with a knife! Also, wait, you move from “Hate male sexuality” to “hate men”? That’s not the same thing at all. It’s almost as if you’re inadvertedly making an argument that men are just sexual creatures and nothing else, which would be silly, because they’re pretty clearly so much more than just–

The fatal flaw of feminism is the cock addiction. Many feminists are simply addicted to dick. Those that are addicted to dick simply love men. If you love dick, you love men. They go together you know. Of course I have known many feminist cock addicts in my life and I must say that they do truly love men a lot. There is a large part of them that really loves men. There is another part of them that is mad at us, but that is true of all women. Feminist cock addicts can never really hate men all that much. They love cock and hence men too much for that. Hence there is a contradiction that results in all sorts of cognitive dissonance.

Or maybe not. I guess cocks go with men as bicycles go with gears and the fish are all left out. Do you get a man sent to your home when you buy a dildo? I don’t know, I’ve never bought one. Of course it is a little strange that the argument moves from “Hating male sexuality” to “hating men” and doesn’t differentiate between the two concept at all, but I guess it’s logical, because if a man is attached to all penises everywhere then clearly it’s utterly impossible for sexuality and masculinity to ever be in any way disassocatied and all men are at all times are giant walking sex-beasts. LOGIC. So saying rape is bad is saying men are bad, and since if you like having sex you mus also like men that makes you an addict which means its okay to rape you.

What? It’s only the logical conclusion of the premises presented.

I have never known a truly cock-addicted feminist whose hatred for men ran all that deep. Perhaps they would have wanted to hate us, but that cock addiction results in a deep fondness that all of the rhetoric in the world finds difficult to penetrate.

It’s a bi weird seeing someone argue against a premise they set up (“feminists hate men”), then conclude that they premise they set up is incorrect (“feminists don’t hate men”) and then use this as a way to argue that feminists rethoric is somehow bad or dense or incorrect, because if it was actually effective rethoric, it’d make people hate men as much as all the non-existent feminists keeps saying they do.

Wait, this guy is an educated journalist linguist? What the fuck? Didn’t anyone teach a course on modular arguments or premise resolution? Huh.

I have known many feminists who talked a great line when it came to fear and hatred of men but when all the chips were down, they fell prey to the cock every time. Of course they have mixed feelings about us. But a strong heterosexual attraction in a female tends to result in an abiding fondness and tenderness towards men that all that feminist haranguing in the world can’t dent

Oh.

“Fall prey to”

That’s a great phrase to use when talking about feminists and cock and feminist rethoric about male sexual behaviour. That is exactly the phrase I would use because I know from my journalist courses and linguistic training that it carries no awkward connotations or implicit evil assumptions. Why would it? Those feminists just fall prey to the cock every time, the cock that lurks in the shadows and strikes out if you’re not keeping up a steady enough guard. What? Stop staring at me like that. I’m not implicitly endorsing exactly the view of male sexuality feminists sometimes argue against.

The ones who truly hate us men? I don’t think they like us or dick all that much. I have known many of these types and even unfortunately dated some of them, even extensively. They are not all lesbians; some are just supremacist, contemptuous, arrogant man-hating heterosexuals.

So feminists say they don’t hate men, but you’ve read their stuff and they do hate men, except they don’t hate men because they like cock, and to have a cock is to be a man, so the only feminists who actually hate men are the ones who don’t like cock, which means feminists at large do like men…

… exactly as you point out they argue every time you ask them if they hate men? It’s even in the words. Feminists say they don’t hate men. And the conclusion of this article is that most of them don’t. It also conflates male sexuality and men, but I guess that’s pretty much what I’d expect because, pfh, come on, who would think a journalist and linguist would be able to write coherent words?

It is no secret that the loudest mouthed feminists of all, including many of their top leaders and heroes, were simply lesbians. Worse than that, they were the type of lesbians who really hate men as not all lesbians are serious man-haters. I refer to the Lesbian Feminist and Lesbian Separatist types. A very large number of the leading icons of feminism were Lesbian Feminists and Lesbian Separatists. This right there implies that there is something horribly wrong with this movement that claims to represent all women and instead represents less than 2% of them (lesbians are 2% of women).

… I rest my case, honourable jury, because I have no words that can convey the magnitude of my confusion at this paragraph.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

@Thalia
That’s because Roosh is getting old (he knows it), his shitty personality is becoming more obvious (except to him of course) and he isn’t having as a much success manipulating young women into bed like he used to. So while he is still kind of trying to cling to his old philandering lifestyle he is also realising that a) its not a satisfying way yo live and b) it’s slipping through his fingers anyway. So these days he spends his blog posts whinging about how the girls who slept with him before are dirty worthless skanks who should have stayed ‘pure’ so he could now find a good quality virgin to settle down with.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

@Falconer

Damn youth and their vaudeville with their tandem bicycles! In my day we kept pedaling within the confines of holy matrimony! And the empire was better for it!

From the London Times, 1816:

The indecent foreign dance called the Waltz was introduced … at the English Court on Friday last … It is quite sufficient to cast one’s eyes on the voluptuous intertwining of the limbs, and close compressure of the bodies … to see that it is far indeed removed from the modest reserve which has hitherto been considered distinctive of English females…[Now that it is] forced on the respectable classes of society by the evil example of their superiors, we feel it a duty to warn every parent against exposing his daughter to so fatal a contagion.

This handbasket we’re in sure is slow.

Falconer
5 years ago

Blame Wertham, the Comics Code Authority, and the advent of television and the fall of public transit. That’s what I do.

I’m with you on Wertham and the CCA. Stupid moral guardians.

Didn’t everybody have radios before television? What’s the diff there? Next shiny thing to come along (seeing as radio was popular before comics)?

LBT (with open writeathon!)

Lesbian Separatists? Did we get a time machine and go back to the 70s? Seriously, how many of THEM are around these days, oy vey!

LBT (with open writeathon!)

RE: Falconer

Didn’t everybody have radios before television? What’s the diff there? Next shiny thing to come along (seeing as radio was popular before comics)?

Enh, I personally find it a lot easier to tune out a radio than a TV, and I can READ and listen to the radio at the same time. While watching TV? Not so much.

Falconer
5 years ago

@Buttercup: What kind of dances had they been doing?

Falconer
5 years ago

Man, I hear you about TV, LBT. If the ol’ cathode ray is burnin’, my eyes ain’t turnin’ away.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

Solar eclipse update: it was cloudy as fuck in the south of England, even in France and Paris, but other places in the UK got a good view. I could see nothing and would have had a great view from my garden too. So I split my time between watching it on TV and stepping outside to feel the bitter cold and witness the darkness (DAMN it was cold!).

BUT just as the moon was almost done passing the sun, about a third left, the cloud cover thinned so I could see a clear crescent shaped orb in the sky, without burning my eyes out. 😀 I even got a picture.

That’s good enough for me. ^_^

Thalia
Thalia
5 years ago

Falconer, I think they’d been doing contradances and quadrilles and gavottes and that kind of thing, where dancers mostly just touch hands while doing these elaborate figures with multiple couples. The waltz was a MAJOR SCANDAL.

Shaenon
5 years ago

Doesn’t RoK also host a Gamergate site? I thought politically-driven critiques of pop culture were unethical. Deeply, deeply unethical.

Falconer
5 years ago

@Thalia: I figured they hadn’t been touching. Good thing the Times author never saw the tango.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

@Falconer The minuet? Or possibly something involving distant hills and semaphore.

People were also scandalized by the whirling pattern of the waltz, which was supposed to disorient women and loosen inhibitions (in the same way alcohol would). Occasionally the man’s foot would disappear underneath the woman’s gown for a second or two. HIGHLY improper.

Falconer
5 years ago

Occasionally the man’s foot would disappear underneath the woman’s gown for a second or two.

*fans self*

Falconer
5 years ago

Or possibly something involving distant hills and semaphore.

Everybody take a drink!

http://youtu.be/kqiUGjghlzU?t=1m20s

weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

On the Io9 article about the female Thor comic doing well, some guy is whining at me about how mean white and male tears jokes are. It’s hilarious how upset these people get about the slightest affront to their privilege.

Falconer
5 years ago

Oh my god, is that Edwardian porn?

Paradoxical Intention
5 years ago

weirwoodtreehugger | March 20, 2015 at 12:47 pm
On the Io9 article about the female Thor comic doing well, some guy is whining at me about how mean white and male tears jokes are. It’s hilarious how upset these people get about the slightest affront to their privilege.

“Relax! Jokes against oppressed people are funny! It’s just a joke! You need to lighten up!”

*hears a joke about white men or male tears*

“HOLD UP THAT’S NOT COOL HOW VERY DARE YOU THAT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!!!!11!!!”

katz
5 years ago

Oh my god, is that Edwardian porn?

Yes. Yes it is. Complete with scandalous ankles.

fromafar2013
5 years ago

“Gay Girls In Trousers”

Where do I sign up!?

Hambeast (formerly twincats)
Hambeast (formerly twincats)
5 years ago

@LBT:

I don’t care HOW BAD music is, it does not compare to that arid wasteland between Elvis’s deployment and the arrival of the Beatles. It gave us shit like Gitarzan, and Puppet on a String.

Hey, hey, hey now! Don’t be dissin’ Gitarzan (or novelty music in general) or else me, the Witch Doctor, the Purple People Eater, Spike Jones and Dr. Demento will be dancing to the Monster Mash underneath your window till all hours.

dhag85
5 years ago

@LBT

That Puppet on a String reference made me remember this video that I was obsessed with a few years ago.

Skip to 1:20.

I’m bad at estimating the age of kids, but she’s like the size of a large cat. And her stage name is Lickshot Marcia. Might be the best thing I ever saw.

dhag85
5 years ago

Also, skip to 7:20 for Puppet on a String cover.

weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

Haha. Now the whiny sea lion is claiming that he finds people who whine about women and POC being represented in comics and other nerdy type media reprehensible but that I’m just as bad.

Of course, I checked his posting history and the only other post I saw about racism or sexism was him whining about how a exclusionary a reading challenge to only read authors that aren’t cishet white men for a year is.

LBT (with open writeathon!)

RE: katz

See, I see ‘bifurcated girls’ and think they’ve been cut in half. D: Fail, porno!

RE: Hambeast

Don’t be dissin’ Gitarzan (or novelty music in general) or else me, the Witch Doctor, the Purple People Eater, Spike Jones and Dr. Demento will be dancing to the Monster Mash underneath your window till all hours.

Hey, don’t get me wrong, I have a soft spot for those godawful songs too. I love it. But I think we can all agree that they’re still really, really bad. It was a dark day for people with taste. You and me were totally safe.

RE: dhag85

Actually, Puppet on a String inspired ANOTHER song… Alfie by Lily Allen. Why the hell was such a godawful song so inspiring for other people? Even Shaw loathed it!

Robert
Robert
5 years ago

100 Stunts In “Pants”. That’s good value for two bits!

Yes, some of the dudebro plaintiveness smacks heavily of ‘wait, wait, that’s MY ox you’re goring! Not cool!’

Mitchel
5 years ago

Dave, you need to check out one of the latest ROK articles,

http://www.returnofkings.com/58791/6-warning-signs-a-girl-isnt-worth-a-relationship

Roosh appears to be getting dumber by the day lol.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

“Blue jeans, fast food, Walmart, Hollywood, suburbs, and…”sick beats.” These are all emblematic of the colossally hideous Jabba The Hut-like behemoth—known as globalization—currently devouring tradition and genuine cultures.”

WTF is wrong with blue jeans? They’re comfortable, practical and durable. I suspect the only reason you hate ’em is because they’re harder to get into than a loose, billowy skirt, and anything that impedes access to a would be-masher is A Terrible Sartorial Sin.

And really, dude…you’re a first-worlder who no doubt (erroneously) considers himself superior to anyone from a “genuine culture”. Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?

Tracy
Tracy
5 years ago

“Slatterns in blue jeans” is my new band name.

Anyway, G.W. is in good company:

“Elvis Presley is morally insane [and] by his actions he’s leading other young people to the same end…the belief of unholy pleasure has sent the morals of our nation down to rock bottom and the crowning addition to this day’s corruption is Elvis Presleyism”Rev. Carl Elgena, Des Moines, Iowa, 1956

“…a fearful multitude of untutored savages… [boys] with dogs at their heels and other evidence of dissolute habits…[girls who] drive coal-carts, ride astride upon horses, drink, swear, fight, smoke, whistle, and care for nobody…the morals of children are tenfold worse than formerly.”Anthony Ashley Cooper, the 7th Earl of Shaftesbury, 1843

“The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint… As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.”
Peter the Hermit, 1274 AD

(Wow. Even then, MGTOWs still complained about the wimmenz.)

chaltab
chaltab
5 years ago

How is it that bad morals came to mean “Women choosing with whom they have sex.”??

I’d attribute it to latent Puritanism but most MRAs I’ve encountered are frelling atheists.

M.
M.
5 years ago

These composers, knowing nothing of the true foundation upon which they must build, are ignorant of the church modes, incapable of distinguishing between them, and cause great confusion. The great number of notes in their compositions conceals from us the plainchant melody, with its simple well-regulated rises and falls that indicate the character of the church mode. These musicians run without pausing. They intoxicate the ear without satisfying it; they dramatize the text with gestures; and, instead of promoting devotion, they prevent it by creating a sensuous and indecent atmosphere.

– Pope John XXII, railing against the invention of polyphonic music, 1324.

katz
5 years ago

WRT The OP, I expect RoK to follow it up with an article about the three best musicians of all time, and they’re the Beatles, the Stones, and Elvis.

Lorcan Nagle
Lorcan Nagle
5 years ago

Jabba the *Hutt*

Final Overdrive Ⓐ (@FinalOverdrive)

Ah yes, the classic complaint of the far right. The very far right.

What they call degeneration, I call progress.

Olive O'Sudden
Olive O'Sudden
5 years ago

What the hell does any of that whining have to do with the music itself?

acrannymint
acrannymint
5 years ago

May have been mentioned already but I love that Ring of Fire is held up as an exemplar of manliness when it was co-written by a woman (June Carter Cash) and first recorded by another woman (Anita Carter)

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Not only was “Ring of Fire” written by June Carter, it was about the early stages of her relationship with Johnny Cash…who most certainly wasn’t an MRA or PUA. Quite the opposite in many ways, I think, once he came to grips with his drug problems. He made an effort to be a real Christian (as opposed to the “yore saved!!!” type), even performing for the guys in Folsom Prison (and naturally, his “Folsom Prison Blues” was part of the set). And a lot of his own lyrics are about poverty and other social-justice issues.

No, idiot who wrote that blargh, you are no Johnny Cash. He was a better man on his worst day than you’ll ever be on your best.

ColeYote
ColeYote
5 years ago

RoK logic: women who have sex are evil, now have sex with me.

Catfish
Catfish
5 years ago

Yeees. Because men have absolutely zero tendency towards herd mentality. None at all. Hurdur.