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How to defeat evil females bearing fake positive pregnancy tests

Handy tool for fooling hapless men. Or if you just like peeing on things.
Handy tool for fooling hapless men. Or if you just like peeing on things.

So the fellas on the Men’s Rights subreddit have re-re-re-re-rediscovered the existence of  fake pregnancy tests that always have positive results.

Happily, some dude calling himself Stripes1974 has what appears to be a foolproof plan to defeat any evil female who comes to him with one of these fake tests:

Many of the women who would do this, are being manipulative and intending to use such a falacy, such a falsehood, in order to try and maintain a sense of power in the relationships they are a part of.

I’d offer this potential “counter” to such a type of women– though I would say that this may not work with every woman of this type- judge carefully if it is something you should do:

Hey, I said it was ALMOST foolproof.

“Oh. Oh.
Oh! Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh! You’re pregnant? You’re really pregnant?”
Dance, make lots of excited and pleased noises. Run around. “Oh my gosh! You’re really pregnant? I mean, really? Wait! I have to call my parents, and tell them the good news!”

Yes, make sure to tell as many people as you can think of that she is pregnant. When she later tries to explain how she was dishonest, her manipulations will be exposed, and she won’t come away seeming all that wonderful a person to have lied this way.

You can probably already see how diabolically clever this plan is.

“I can’t believe it! All this time, I didn’t realize it was this easy! Oh! Now we have to start saving our money so we can buy our baby the best! We’ll have to cancel that get-a-way we were planning! We have to save for the baby!”

Having easy access to money/funds taken from her, and then obsessively watched over, in support of her lie, will make her unhappy and uncomfortable.

Wait, you’re supposed to be paying your girlfriend for being your girlfriend? Uh oh. I think I’ve been doing it wrong.

“Oh! And from now on, you have to stay at home! No, you can’t go out to the club for girls’ night- you’re supporting two people now, and you have to sit and save your fragile self so the baby can be healthy!”

Stripping her of her freedom to govern her own movements within and without of the home, will grate on her nerves.

Yeah, it probably would, huh? Too bad that’s the rule. Once you are pregnant, you are not allowed to stand up, much less leave the house, until at least one actual baby comes out of your body. (And it has to be a baby. Extra large poops don’t count.)

What generally will happen, in this sudden and overwhelming blitzkrieg of support towards a pregnancy that doesn’t exist, is that at some point, sooner rather than later, the woman in question will crack, and she will vehemently deny that she is pregnant, and likely will admit that she lied/purchased a positive test, when she is in fact not pregnant. This will provide an opening for an “emotional” display by the male half of this relationship:

“What do you mean, you lied! What do you mean, I don’t really have a son on the way!?” -complete with tears and heart-wrenching warbles in the voice

and will allow him to bring this very fucked-up relationship to its bitter and thankful end.

Huh. Well, far be it from me to question such a brilliant plan from someone who obviously understands women so well, but I’m just wondering: what happens if she’s actually pregnant? I know it might seem a bit unlikely, but I have heard rumors that sometimes women use real pregnancy tests to see if they are really pregnant, and some of the time they really are.

Ah, who am I kidding? Like that ever happens.

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sunnysombrera
5 years ago

Oh please, like these assholes wouldn’t just take the far simpler route of simply vanishing over the horizon if a girlfriend/partner/fuckbuddy announced she was pregnant with their child. All these super clever complicated schemes to bring the b*tch back in line and humiliate her are just exercises in masturbation.

Or both.

DAY 1: “Oh. Oh.
Oh! Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh! You’re pregnant? You’re really pregnant? Oh my gosh! You’re really pregnant? I mean, really? Wait! I have to call my parents, and tell them the good news!”

WEEK 4: “You’re still pregnant? Hooray! Make sure you stay at home!”

WEEK 8: “Still pregnant. Hooray?” (thinks: I’ll keep this up as long as she will).

WEEK 16: “You’re getting fat babe.”

WEEK 24: “Seriously, paunch is not a good look for women.” (considers dumping her but needs her for the money/sex) “Also could you not be sick in the bathroom every morning, it’s gross.”

WEEK 36: “What do you mean contractions? Bitch I know you were lying about that test MONTHS ago. No I’m not driving you to the hospital! Female privilege, sheesh. Fine, I’ll get in the car with you and your mother, but when you finally give this all up you owe me a BJ for putting me through this.”

12 HOURS LATER: “…the baby is real?”

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/07/running.gif

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

TEN YEARS LATER: “Hi, long time no see! I’m not here for you I’m here to be reunited with my kid! …What do you mean they don’t want me in their life? I’m their dad aren’t I? Give me what I’m entitled to!”

marinerachel
marinerachel
5 years ago

….I was under the impression babies WERE extra large poops.

Sarah
Sarah
5 years ago

But how about we also have less sexism? That women feel that they have to practically beg for a proposal from a long term boyfriend is horrible, especially since so many cultural influences put pressure on her to do so. If you’re not married by X, you’ll die alone. Dying alone is horrible because your cats will eat you. No one will ever want to look at you again. Maybe there’s something wrong with you that you’re not married yet? Try this new DIY cute decorated box to stuff your emotions and dignity into so that you’re more marriageable. Oops, seems like a corner of ambition is sticking out there, you’ll want to tuck that back in. Hmmm, maybe you need to add a lock for that box?

QFT
Where I’m from, men proposing women is not such a big thing (I’d say it’s considered quite cliche and most couples who decide to get married do so like they decide to get pregnant or buy a home). So when I moved here I was quite shocked to learn how almost-compulsory the whole protocol is.
It is especially annoying when people assume that because you’re a woman you *must* want to get proposed and a wedding and white dress and they say so in a condescending voice like “ooohhh we know it’s your dream”. Get out of here creeps.

cretaceouskitteh78
cretaceouskitteh78
5 years ago
Reply to  Fnoicby

Lol! I think I just might be!

Seems like the people least likely to be in the kind of situation in which something like this could conceivably occur (because they are wholly undateable and/or unfuckable through every fault of their own) are the only ones that believe it’s a real threat. They sit around imagining worst-case scenarios instead of engaging with women because that is entirely too frightening. I can imagine someone who writes something like this cocooned in his house, reading anti-feminists blogs, and MRM reddits, feeling deep insecurity about himself and completely undermining his own chances of ever having a meaningful relationship with a woman (because IF this kind of behavior was common among women it would be totally justifiable to avoid them or have contempt for them) but never having the balls to admit it’s his own damned fault.

I mean, what better way to avoid facing your own faults, shortcomings, and insecurities than by creating this boogeyman…er, woman that you can use to justify not allowing yourself to be vulnerable through dating or engaging with a woman as an equal?

The way that one would learn that these MRA myths about women are myths would be by having more experience with women. I sincerely doubt that most of these guys have had much and that their insecurities just run them. Changing and self-improvement are hard. Much easier to demonize and blame the wimmenz! It’s funny but not funny. It’s funny-sad. 🙁

Bronas Salk
Bronas Salk
5 years ago

This only makes sense if you already think you’re gf is a lying, manipulative sociopath. If you already think that, why would you bother going through a sociopathic, lying manipulation of your own rather than just dump her and spare yourself the emotional aggravation?

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

Heck, guys like this can find new girlfriends any old time because being regarded as a conniving, manipulative bitch turns women on … oh, wait … maybe they don’t have girlfriends at all and are just snarking about how they’d treat a girlfriend if they ever got one.

Cyberwulf
Cyberwulf
5 years ago

@sunnysombrera: I always thought that if MRAs ever got their “right” to a “financial abortion”, the third* thing that would happen would be men who terminated their parental rights so as not to pay child support would end up wailing in front of judges five years afterwards about “but your honour she said I could still see him, I only signed away my rights cos I didn’t have a job and she didn’t want me to lose my licence for non payment” and other various fairy tales.

*The first thing would be men with kids less than a year old loudly protesting that the law should retroactively apply tothem. The second thing would be divorced dads of older kids arguing that they shouldn’t have to pay support because they never wanted kids, they just went along with their ex for Reasons.

suffrajitsu
suffrajitsu
5 years ago

Dude knows those pregnancy tests are meant to be pranks, right? Not for actual fraud? As much as these guys love to gripe about evil manipulatrixes faking pregnancy/paternity/rape, they’d probably fuck a woman even if they knew her to be all of those things, if she was hot: http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-things-i-learned-from-worst-online-dating-profile-ever/

Also for whatever reason, the first actual “faked pregnancy” incident that came to mind was committed by a man. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shi_Pei_Pu

katz
5 years ago

Also for whatever reason, the first actual “faked pregnancy” incident that came to mind was committed by a man. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shi_Pei_Pu

That is an amazing story.

suffrajitsu
suffrajitsu
5 years ago

As the Wiki article mentions, the Bernard Boursicot-Shi Pei Pu case was the inspiration for the play “M. Butterfly” (which has been adapted into a movie). It’s gotten a lot of praise for its deconstruction of race/gender/Orientalism/colonialism, but I haven’t had the chance to read/see it yet.

I confess one of the reasons I’m so fond of that story (besides the whole “How did this guy get tricked like that throughout a TWENTY YEAR sexual relationship???” question) is that by MRA logic, in which the fact that women also commit rape/sexual abuse/domestic violence means it is MISANDRIST to discuss the fact that those crimes are largely committed by men, the fact that a man once lied about being pregnant means no man can ever complain about women faking being pregnant again.

Matthew Chiglinsky
5 years ago

So, it turns out misogyny is just as paranoid as feminism. I guess extreme philosophies tend to make people crazy.

weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

What a stunningly original bit of false equivalency. Well done, Matthew!

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Notice how the fake tears and grieving are over a son, not a daughter. Color me surprised.

It doesn’t seem to have occurred to the OP that a woman who is Machiavellian enough to fake a pregancy test has tricks of her own up her sleeve and won’t bat an eyelash at his bluff-calling. He’s so convinced she’ll crumple right away in the face of his clever plan to broadcast the pregnancy to the world before the pee is even dry.

Who does that, anyway, outside of the Duggars? Most people wait till the first trimester is over, since so many pregnancies end early. If a friend/family member called me hours after a pee stick turned purple, I’d be like, “congratulations, but why are you telling me now? Aren’t you jumping the gun a little bit?”

And then imagine the awkward phone call to his parents, where he has to fake joy and rope them into the deception: “Yeah, Mom…uh, I met her in a bar a month ago…we’re very ecstatic about becoming parents…” If you’re convinced the pregnancy is all a charade, why would you want to dupe all your loved ones and set them up for disappointment later on, just so you can score points off some chick? Isn’t faking being a happy father and supportive partner just as horrible and wrong as faking pregnancy?

Also, the indicator strip on that prank test is bright enough to signal quadruplets. Yikes. I never saw a line that dark, even with HCG levels high enough to melt down to China. But I can see it easily fooling a redpiller, because they’re so dismissive and willfully ignorant about ladystuff.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Oh goody, it’s Matthew “Pelvic Exams are Rape” and “Don’t Wear Suits To Interviews Because That’s Kowtowing To The Man” Chiglinsky, here to tell us how very reasonable and centered he is. With ableist language to boot.

M.
M.
5 years ago

Matthew, you were banned. Twice. There’s a hint in there somewhere, I just know it.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Yep. Because either his viewpoints are totes the most centered and reasoned viewpoints ever or my name’s not Max!

(spoiler alert: my name’s not Max.)

Spindrift
Spindrift
5 years ago

@sunnysombrera “WEEK 24: “Seriously, paunch is not a good look for women.” (considers dumping her but needs her for the money/sex) “Also could you not be sick in the bathroom every morning, it’s gross.””

If he’s going to tell her all she can do is sit and wait cause she’s so fragile, it seems like piv-sex would be too risky too. Though I’m sure he’d be capable of holding a double standard on that, at least untill she starts to get larger and he hits the road.

Kootiepatra
5 years ago

From what I’ve seen of the MRM I could easily imagine them being duped by an obviously fake pregnancy test.

“GUYS. Guys, I found one of my girlfriend’s pregnancy tests in the trash. It’s turned purple; what does that mean? Tell me quick, before she lies to me about it.”

“Do you have the box? What does it say?”

“No, I don’t have the box, just the test.”

“Well, let’s see it… Uh, dude, that’s literally a popsicle stick. Looks like there was a purple popsicle on it.”

“…So is she pregnant or what?”

lith
lith
5 years ago

Everything they know they learnt from “Sleeping with the Enemy”, only they mistook the abusive husband for the tragic hero of the piece. Whole different film.

lith
lith
5 years ago

I have to play Brown Eyed Girl right now.

tinyorc
5 years ago

Spindrift:

If you’re convinced they’re lying about the pregnancy, and you plan to dump them when they eventually come clean about it…why not dump them instead of the whole charade and save yourself a bunch of time?

Because then you wouldn’t get to do a blow-by-blow playthrough of your delicious fantasy of controlling and manipulating your fake girlfriend until she admits she was fake-lying about her fake pregnancy, at which point you get to self-righteously fake-dump her and emerge as the fake-hero of the entire charade!

This guy is definitely a happy and secure person who has super-healthy relationships with women. It just shines through in every sentence.

Tessa
5 years ago

Victoria:

This guy seems to be unaware of the number of spontaneous miscarriages women have.
Women often lose the baby in the first trimester for no obvious reason – which is most people don’t tell friends and family about the pregnancy until the first trimester is over. It would be very easy for a woman to lie about being pregnant, and then claim to have lost the baby.
My point is that this plan is full of holes, so much so that I wonder how familiar the author is with “actual” women and “actual” pregnancy, and as a result, where do his ideas about women and pregnancy actually come from?

Or… Perhaps… all these miscarriages were really women getting out of their lies about being pregant, thus setting up a vast infrastructure where his plans fail not due to him being stupid, but because he is a poor victim of how deep the feminist false sperm jacking agenda goes.

lith
lith
5 years ago

Such bizarre fantasies. It’s like in Scrubs with getting JD to play the apple thief. They constantly claim they’re the one that gets to be part of all the sex but then they set themselves in the role of the apple thief.

lith
lith
5 years ago

Wait, no, he’s not the apple thief, JD’s the other guy. They put themselves in the role of JD, I got that the wrong way around.

lith
lith
5 years ago

@Tessa:

his plans fail not due to him being stupid, but because he is a poor victim of how deep the feminist false sperm jacking agenda goes.

I’m not sure I can get my head around the increasingly convoluted reasoning. I’d accuse you of going over the top but it’s not much different from the logics I’ve seen in genuine MRA rants.

dhag85
5 years ago

Why is the guy assuming his fake baby would be a boy if the pregnancy were real? Can’t get over that part.

Spindrift
Spindrift
5 years ago

@dhag85 “Why is the guy assuming his fake baby would be a boy if the pregnancy were real? Can’t get over that part.”

Well, obviously alpa men only ever have sons, if it’s a daughter it’s proof she’s been unfaithful. That or he figures a man would only actually be disappointed to hear he wasn’t going to have a son, but relieved to hear he’s not having a daughter, so he shouldn’t bother pretending to be disappointed about any potential daughters. Probably he’d see a daughter as some sort of cruel trick a woman plays on a poor opressed man.

dhag85
5 years ago

@Spindrift

It all makes sense now.

ParadoxicalIntention
5 years ago

Spindrift | March 6, 2015 at 7:14 am

Well, obviously alpa men only ever have sons, if it’s a daughter it’s proof she’s been unfaithful.

See, that kind of rhetoric really stings for me because I was ditched before I was even born by my biological father simply because I was a feeeemale. Apparently, he wanted a first born son to pass on his family name. (I was to be the fourth or fifth in a long line of assholes, apparently.)

He proceeded to deny me, my mom got a DNA test, and forced him to pay child support. He then proceeded to hide behind his father’s money so he wouldn’t have to work, and therefore wouldn’t have to pay. We were lucky if we even got a check one month out of the 972 months he was required to pay some sort of support for me. (I think one time we got a child support check for a whole fucking dollar. Yeah, we were living high off that great child support money! [/sarcasm])

From what I heard (and I heard this from my mom’s side of the family, so I’m taking it with a grain of salt, though a tiny one since the man’s never shown himself to give his side of the story) he had a bunch of kids with other women, and only fought for the one first-born son he got.

The sad thing is, my mom miscarried a boy before she had me.

Spindrift
Spindrift
5 years ago

@Paradoxicalintention

That sounds really aweful, people like that are just the worst. I’ll never understand that obsession with carrying on the family name/genes. And it’s exactly the type of man the MRM seems to care the most about.

How can a stupid name mean so much to someone that they’d hurt so many people over it?

You and your mom deserved so much better than that.

Hugs if you want them

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

@PI: And if you follow that line of thinking it leads to China where you have almost 20% more boys than girls, so your son can’t find a wife and the name dies there. D00dlogik(TM) has consequences.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

@GOM
D00dlogik in China goes further than that, and of course the brunt bearers are women. When a man can’t find a Chinese woman to marry, does he go without? Heaven forbid! No, he pays for a trafficked one instead.

https://uosm2018.wordpress.com/2013/05/09/trafficking-women-for-forced-marriage-in-china/

🙁

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

#notallchinesemen, just for my own clear conscience.

Spindrift
Spindrift
5 years ago

@GOM

And the MRAs would probably blame women for not dating those excess chinese men.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

#notallchinesemen, but, unfortunately, probably most — the position of women in Chinese society has traditionally been more abysmal even than in the West.

I have not read anything about this, but I would not be surprised to hear that young educated Chinese women are choosing not to marry. At least, given the demographics, they have a bit of non-traditional leverage.

ParadoxicalIntention
5 years ago

Spindrift | March 6, 2015 at 7:53 am

@Paradoxicalintention

That sounds really aweful, people like that are just the worst. I’ll never understand that obsession with carrying on the family name/genes. And it’s exactly the type of man the MRM seems to care the most about.

How can a stupid name mean so much to someone that they’d hurt so many people over it?

You and your mom deserved so much better than that.

Hugs if you want them

To be fair, it did happen roughly 25 years ago, and I’ve grown up without so much of a whisper of him in my life, so I’m pretty much okay with it. Though, if I ever did meet him in real life, I’m not sure if I’d ask him why I wasn’t good enough for him, or have to hold myself back from socking him square in the nose.

After though, I’d suppose I’d thank him for being a huge reason why I became a feminist. My step-father was the next huge reason.

Bless my mother, but she has terrible taste in men for the most part. : / I can only think of one guy she’s dated in my lifetime out of three that’s been good to her.

Speaking of reasons for becoming a feminist: The last of my major reasons why I’m a feminist is the reaction to feminism. Case in point: Earlier, I was talking about American Apparel with a group of friends on Skype. I mentioned that they’d done some “restructuring” because one of their top officials was a sexist bag of garbage who would sleep with employees (I think he also threatened their jobs if they didn’t comply) and had a hotel room “reserved” in every city they had a store in for that purpose.

I then said they replaced him with someone who’s “feminist-leaning”. That was it. I mentioned that this woman had some feminist ideologies that I liked.

It was like I opened up the floodgates. They thought the company was ruined for men, and they acted like it was the worst thing American Apparel could do. (And then went on to say “I hate the word feminism” and “Feminists are such bitches!”) A good friend and I dropped the chat, after giving the rest of the chat (which was just us two girls who left and some guys) a piece of our minds about it. We then went on to start our own chat, “Feminist group of Feminist-loving Feminists”. Because we were both tired of the anti-feminist bullshit in the other chat. (TL;DR: This wasn’t the first time this happened. We got into an argument with another guy in that chat about how he thought men had it so hard when it comes to custody battles and such.)

One guy gave me an apology, but he kept trying to ‘splain himself and say “I didn’t say anything mean about feminists as a whole! I only specified militant feminists!”, so I just told him to stop because I didn’t want to hear his explanations.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

Manspeak translation: He didn’t object to feminists unless they stand up for their rights.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

By the way, do they not understand that if a boss threatens a worker’s job unless she sleeps with him, that is RAPE full stop.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

And the boss need not just to get fired, but be put in prison.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

@GOM There’s a number of traditionally patriarchal countries that have a growing number of women choosing not to marry. Seeing as the mantra in places such as Japan, Russia and yes, rural China is “husband in charge wife submit” such women are choosing not to get shackled to that. In Japan women are expected to both work AND do 100% of childcare/housework, and Russia…well the men there are infamous for being drunken chauvinists (the politicians are shockingly so). Some Russian women are choosing not to date at all or to date foreign men who are more likely to treat them better.

I’m not sure how those countries are dealing with those growing numbers of women apart from panicking about the declining birth rate. I think in Russia there are some (male) ministers speaking about about how happy women are when barefoot and pregnant or something. [insert Soviet propaganda joke here]

But don’t get me started about the Indian MRM. Yes. India. They believe anti dowry laws are oppression and naturally, there is a piece in AVFM supporting them.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

When we were in Japan 20 years ago, women who wanted careers were choosing not to marry because of the pressure on women to quit their careers when they marry. I think we discussed the demographic problems Japan faces in an earlier thread. Unless you plan to enforce virtual slavery on women, making life hard on them is not a winning strategy.

davidknewton
davidknewton
5 years ago

Good news, kind of: http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-hampshire-31765086 A would-be Eliot Rodger in the UK has been jailed for 21 years due to attacks on three women, in which nobody died. I particularly like how the headline specifically names him as “Virgin”, which he was so irrationally angry at being. (You’re 17! Go to university!)

This is how damaging virgin-shaming is to someone’s ego, and yet another of the men’s issues that I don’t see AVFM etc answering.

davidknewton
davidknewton
5 years ago

To clarify the above, I’m not laughing at him being a virgin. I’m laughing at how his actions due to anger at being a virgin led to him having a giant picture of his face with “VIRGIN” above it on an international news site.

Kootiepatra
5 years ago

@ParadoxicalIntention – Oh my word, I had totally missed that American Apparel had ditched their sleazy CEO. I might have to give them another look now. That was always such a conflict for me: Fair labor practices! Yay! …Sexist, objectifying ads, and a literal rapist at the helm, um…

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

@Kootiepatra: I understand you’re being polite, but I would say that calling him merely “sleazy” amounts to a totally undeserved compliment.

ParadoxicalIntention
5 years ago

Kootiepatra | March 6, 2015 at 10:04 am

@ParadoxicalIntention – Oh my word, I had totally missed that American Apparel had ditched their sleazy CEO. I might have to give them another look now. That was always such a conflict for me: Fair labor practices! Yay! …Sexist, objectifying ads, and a literal rapist at the helm, um…

Honestly? I’m not going to go near them for quite some time. They’re doing better with their advertisements, and I’m glad they got someone who’s not completely self-absorbed at the helm, but they need to work harder to gain back any faith I might have had in them.

Admittedly, I’ve put off buying things from a lot of really cool places because they print on American Apparel stuff. : / Mostly Words Brand. They have a lot of really awesome typography/design related stuff that really makes me happy, but the fact that they print on AA stuff makes me sad. : (

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

Virgin-shaming of young men is both pervasive and destructive. At 17 — almost precisely 50 years ago this month — I pressured a very vulnerable (fat, unpopular) girl into agreeing to have sex with me although I had no interest in her, just to get rid of that scarlet V to get the dudes to shut up. I still regard it as the worst thing I have done in my life.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

The rest of the story: I ended up dumping her fairly cruelly. About two years later, out of the blue, she called me up. She had gotten pregnant and married a guy who was not her child’s father. He beat her fairly regularly. The worst part was the offhanded way she mentioned that he would unquestionably give her another beating when he saw the long-distance call to me on their telephone bill. I had treated her very badly, and she was still willing to accept a beating just to talk to me. That’s when I began to realize what I had done.

Spindrift
Spindrift
5 years ago

@Paradoxicalintention

The reaction you get when saying you’re a feminist can be really depressing, yeah. I’m really sick of the “I believe in equality…but I think feminism is just a dirty word” argument. Often feels like people either can’t be bothered to do the least bit of reading or just don’t understand sociology well enough to understand feminism and it’s methods/goals.