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How to defeat evil females bearing fake positive pregnancy tests

Handy tool for fooling hapless men. Or if you just like peeing on things.
Handy tool for fooling hapless men. Or if you just like peeing on things.

So the fellas on the Men’s Rights subreddit have re-re-re-re-rediscovered the existence of  fake pregnancy tests that always have positive results.

Happily, some dude calling himself Stripes1974 has what appears to be a foolproof plan to defeat any evil female who comes to him with one of these fake tests:

Many of the women who would do this, are being manipulative and intending to use such a falacy, such a falsehood, in order to try and maintain a sense of power in the relationships they are a part of.

I’d offer this potential “counter” to such a type of women– though I would say that this may not work with every woman of this type- judge carefully if it is something you should do:

Hey, I said it was ALMOST foolproof.

“Oh. Oh.
Oh! Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh! You’re pregnant? You’re really pregnant?”
Dance, make lots of excited and pleased noises. Run around. “Oh my gosh! You’re really pregnant? I mean, really? Wait! I have to call my parents, and tell them the good news!”

Yes, make sure to tell as many people as you can think of that she is pregnant. When she later tries to explain how she was dishonest, her manipulations will be exposed, and she won’t come away seeming all that wonderful a person to have lied this way.

You can probably already see how diabolically clever this plan is.

“I can’t believe it! All this time, I didn’t realize it was this easy! Oh! Now we have to start saving our money so we can buy our baby the best! We’ll have to cancel that get-a-way we were planning! We have to save for the baby!”

Having easy access to money/funds taken from her, and then obsessively watched over, in support of her lie, will make her unhappy and uncomfortable.

Wait, you’re supposed to be paying your girlfriend for being your girlfriend? Uh oh. I think I’ve been doing it wrong.

“Oh! And from now on, you have to stay at home! No, you can’t go out to the club for girls’ night- you’re supporting two people now, and you have to sit and save your fragile self so the baby can be healthy!”

Stripping her of her freedom to govern her own movements within and without of the home, will grate on her nerves.

Yeah, it probably would, huh? Too bad that’s the rule. Once you are pregnant, you are not allowed to stand up, much less leave the house, until at least one actual baby comes out of your body. (And it has to be a baby. Extra large poops don’t count.)

What generally will happen, in this sudden and overwhelming blitzkrieg of support towards a pregnancy that doesn’t exist, is that at some point, sooner rather than later, the woman in question will crack, and she will vehemently deny that she is pregnant, and likely will admit that she lied/purchased a positive test, when she is in fact not pregnant. This will provide an opening for an “emotional” display by the male half of this relationship:

“What do you mean, you lied! What do you mean, I don’t really have a son on the way!?” -complete with tears and heart-wrenching warbles in the voice

and will allow him to bring this very fucked-up relationship to its bitter and thankful end.

Huh. Well, far be it from me to question such a brilliant plan from someone who obviously understands women so well, but I’m just wondering: what happens if she’s actually pregnant? I know it might seem a bit unlikely, but I have heard rumors that sometimes women use real pregnancy tests to see if they are really pregnant, and some of the time they really are.

Ah, who am I kidding? Like that ever happens.

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sn0rkmaiden
5 years ago

Or, he could purchase another test for her to take, just to make sure? Or offer to go with her to the doctor to get it confirmed? Or, just not be an almighty shitstain and go assuming that his imaginary girlfriend would pretend to be pregnant for no particular reason?

frances
5 years ago

They would probably do all the same things if she was really pregnant.

Macha
Macha
5 years ago

“Or, just not be an almighty shitstain”

Well, he IS an MRA, so that’s a bit unfair to ask of him.

M.
M.
5 years ago

These things are awful for about fifty different reasons, but… How do the Amazon reviews about men “Pranking” their wives gel with their FEEEMALE MANIPULATION!!! histrionics?

Annie Squidface
5 years ago

I love how these guys are so scared of some gold-digging whore trapping him with a baby that they do these mental gymnastics, yet a vasectomy is out of the question.

Vasectomies are no small ordeal, especially if you’re the person getting one, but isn’t it better than living with that level of paranoia? You’d think that their quality of life would significantly improve.

Button
Button
5 years ago

Also, even granting the hypothetical of a woman using a fake positive pregnancy test to… whatever the hell he thinks that would accomplish – does this guy know nothing about pregnancy or biology?

at some point, sooner rather than later, the woman in question will crack, and she will vehemently deny that she is pregnant, and likely will admit that she lied/purchased a positive test, when she is in fact not pregnant.

It’s not like anyone ever becomes spontaneously not-pregnant, right? Ha ha, what a ridiculous concept! Let’s give this ridiculous hypothetical spontaneous un-pregnancy an equally ridiculous name, like, hm, how about a schmiscarriage. Now even if such a thing as schmiscarriage were possible, there’d be no way to fake it! It’s not like there’s a – what’s the word I’m looking for? regular? cyclical? – biological event that is practically indistinguishable from an extremely early term schmiscarriage.

No, surely the scheming woman would crack under the strain of smothering and outright admit that she had lied! Surely there is no way that she could just hold out for that one in a million chance of spontaneously having some kind of bloody discharge that she could pass off as a schmiscarriage.

That would just be silly.

Fnoicby
Fnoicby
5 years ago

I like (and by that I mean don’t like) how he suggests they strip women of all their freedoms, as if that’s something he is perfectly within his rights and has the power to do. This, here, is the problem.

But anyways, does this happen? I mean what exactly is the endgame of saying you’re pregnant when you’re not? Eventually he would notice there’s no baby, sooooo. ..I’m confused.

magnesium
5 years ago

Is this something that people do very often? Pretend to be pregnant? I mean, other than as some sort of ill advised April Fool’s joke? Enough that Mr Stripes1974 (who is, guessing by his name, 40 years old so probably not even dating anyone immature enough to do such a thing) had to construct an elaborate revenge plan for when it happens to him?

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

What generally will happen, in this sudden and overwhelming blitzkrieg of support towards a pregnancy that doesn’t exist,

Why isn’t “support” written with scare quotes? Does he honestly think this is what real support looks like, or think a woman wouldn’t immediately pick up on the deluge of overreactive sarcasm? Here’s what would actually happen.

*breathes* “Honey, I have some… amazing news. I’m pregnant.”

“Oh. Oh. Oh! Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh! You’re pregnant? You’re really pregnant?”
*dances*
“Oh my gosh! You’re really pregnant? I mean, really? Wait! I have to call my parents, and tell them the good news!”

“I know! Ha ha, wow.”

“I can’t believe it! All this time, I didn’t realize it was this easy!”

(“easy?”)

“Oh! Now we have to start saving our money so we can buy our baby the best! We’ll have to cancel that get-a-way we were planning! We have to save for the baby!”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re ri…”

“Oh! And from now on, you have to stay at home! No, you can’t go out to the club for girls’ night- you’re supporting two people now, and you have to sit and save your fragile self so the baby can be healthy!”

“Wait, what? Fragile?”

“Yup, no more parties for you! Just sitting at home, on the couch, for 10 months. In fact, why are you standing up now? Here, come sit down so you don’t over-exert yourself. Oh gosh, this is so exciting, you’re pregnant! I have to go call everyone!” *runs out*

(“I never knew he was such an asshole.”)

What happens next is that she is actually pregnant, but whether she chooses to keep it or not, her next move will be as far away from you as possible.

And then you look at the pregnancy test and find out it isn’t fake. Then you curse the slur out for stealing your child away from you.

ikanreed
ikanreed
5 years ago

“You’re pregnant? That means I own you now. No leaving the house. No friends.”

*Anguishing abortion decision to be as far from this control freak as possible*

“YOU WERE MAKING IT UP YOU WHORE! I’m gonna post you on RooshV’s site.”

Or you know, natural, early cycle miscarriage happens: same “You whore” speech.

Twisted Inspiration
5 years ago

I can see why “be as annoying as possible” is an alluring “plan” for someone who already does that all that the time…

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@Fnoicby:

I like (and by that I mean don’t like) how he suggests they strip women of all their freedoms, as if that’s something he is perfectly within his rights and has the power to do. This, here, is the problem.

Bingo.

But anyways, does this happen? I mean what exactly is the endgame of saying you’re pregnant when you’re not? Eventually he would notice there’s no baby, sooooo. ..I’m confused.

Maybe it’s to stop him from committing seppuku by the river after losing a bread-baking tournament to her when he viewed it as his last chance to prove himself worthy as a baker and a man?

This… probably needs some context… Actually, I don’t think even the context is enough.

Spindrift
Spindrift
5 years ago

If you’re convinced they’re lying about the pregnancy, and you plan to dump them when they eventually come clean about it…why not dump them instead of the whole charade and save yourself a bunch of time? Especially if you’re not gonna let her work, that means you’d be stuck supporting her untill you eventually dump her, so you’re wasting your time and money just to be a…vindictive…jerk…oh. I guess it makes perfect MRA sense after all.

“and will allow him to bring this very fucked-up relationship to its bitter and thankful end.”
That’s one thing I agree with this guy on, any relationship with him is likely to be very fucked-up indeed.

Victoria
Victoria
5 years ago

This guy seems to be unaware of the number of spontaneous miscarriages women have.
Women often lose the baby in the first trimester for no obvious reason – which is most people don’t tell friends and family about the pregnancy until the first trimester is over. It would be very easy for a woman to lie about being pregnant, and then claim to have lost the baby.
My point is that this plan is full of holes, so much so that I wonder how familiar the author is with “actual” women and “actual” pregnancy, and as a result, where do his ideas about women and pregnancy actually come from?

genderequalitybatman
5 years ago

I don’t think anyone genuinely has to worry that women are targeting these guys for marriage…

weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

Does this guy not understand that unless it’s a very high risk pregnancy, pregnant women aren’t invalids? Pregnant women can actually go to a club and dance with their friends.

I hope he never actually impregnates anyone. If this is what he thinks being supportive is, it’s a giant red flag. It sounds abusive and controlling to me.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

@WWTH Remember that these guys think women are just fleshy incubators and warm holes. Remember that they don’t actually care what a woman wants for herself as long as they get to have the upper hand in something.

seraph4377
5 years ago

It’s hard to tell from the picture, but I kinda suspect that the prank pregnancy test is pretty much impossible to mistake for a real pregnancy test. In which case, asshole is just making up scenarios that can never happen purely for the sake of abusing the imaginary women in them.

Nequam
Nequam
5 years ago

They would probably do all the same things if she was really pregnant.

Repeated punches and kicks to the stomach? Coathangers as baby shower gifts?

cretaceouskitteh78
cretaceouskitteh78
5 years ago

Where the hell do these shitsticks get the idea that women do this sort of thing happens with such regularity that they need a plan to handle it when it inevitably happens? It’s almost as if they have no fucking clue what real women or relationships are like and only have harrowing tales from internet assholes who also hate women even though they know exactly jackshit about them so they just made up stories to justify their irrational hatred and fear.

Fnoicby
Fnoicby
5 years ago

@cretaceouskitteh78, I think you’re onto something…

Lea
Lea
5 years ago

falacy, such a falsehood,

Mojo Jojo and reality have clearly never been introduced.

ceebarks
ceebarks
5 years ago

Supposedly there were women on the last military installation I lived on selling pos. tests. I heard about it thru the army-wife grapevine (always accompanied by loads of outrage) so don’t know if it was true or just a bit of urban legendry intended to make us lowly hausfraus feel better than THEM… y’know, whoever THEY are.

Not sure what the end goal is supposed to be for the buyers– coax a shotgun courthouse wedding out of some poor joe before his next deployment? I could kind of see that, I guess. I can’t think of any other real circumstance in which a woman would really get anything out of that. Even the dinkiest wedding ceremony requires enough planning time for the scheme to fail before it gets off the ground…

and if someone’s hoping for the sweet, SWEET child support monies, you have to produce an actual child, which is a drag. So ?

1. get fake preggo test
2. ?
3. PROFIT

Yeah, odds that someone takes advice here by being an abusive prick to an ACTUALLY PREGNANT partner > odds that someone will take advice here and one-up his partner’s half-baked manipulative tactic.

Cue angry bewilderment about why is relationship with ex and kid so messed up?!

MISANDRY

KSRay
KSRay
5 years ago

Stripes1974 needs to be put in comma prison.

Spindrift
Spindrift
5 years ago

@seraph4377 “It’s hard to tell from the picture, but I kinda suspect that the prank pregnancy test is pretty much impossible to mistake for a real pregnancy test.”

From what I’ve seen of the MRM I could easily imagine them being duped by an obviously fake pregnancy test.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

“and will allow him to bring this very fucked-up relationship to its bitter and thankful end”

These guys would never knowingly do a woman a favor like that.

NicolaLuna
NicolaLuna
5 years ago

Women totally fake pregnancy all the time. I’ve done it twice. The fact that babies came out of me after 9 months of faking is just pure misandry!

seraph4377
5 years ago

Supposedly there were women on the last military installation I lived on selling pos. tests.

Don’t most pregnancy tests go bad a few hours after being used so they look positive anyway?

ceebarks
ceebarks
5 years ago

Don’t most pregnancy tests go bad a few hours after being used so they look positive anyway?

not really, ime. Sometimes I’d get kind of ghost-line on an old negative test if I looked hard enough, but nothing you’d mistake for actually positive unless you were really determined to see it there. IIRC, people on pregnancy/TTC message boards called them “evaporation lines.”

childrenofthebroccoli
childrenofthebroccoli
5 years ago

I actually do know a woman who faked being pregnant; she did it to get her ex-boyfriend back, and then faked a miscarriage after they got back together. No, she’s not a very nice person.

As for women being invalid during a pregnancy, one of my former coworkers worked literally up until the day before the baby was born. She wasn’t due for a few more weeks, but her ob-gyn noticed she was dilated when she went in for her checkup on the first day of her maternity leave.

Pear_tree
Pear_tree
5 years ago

Who is the target market of the fake pregnancy tests? If I announced I was pregnant I wouldn’t expect people to ask to see the test. That said giving it to someone who didn’t know it was fake but was taking a pregnancy test is insanely cruel.

That said if someone’s reaction to finding out I was pregnant was to not let me leave the house, I might say I’d lied about being pregnant to get away from them.

KSRay
KSRay
5 years ago

Most of the mothers I know worked through the entire pregnancy, except a couple that had complications and were under doctor’s orders for bed rest. My wife spent half a day having contractions at the office with our first, and this was a few days after the due date. Wanted to get caught up on paperwork before being out for a couple months.

scalyllama
5 years ago

P-R-O-J-E-C-T!
You’re a schemer just like me!

P-R-O-J-E-C-T!
Expecting lies is e-a-sy!

(with apologies to Ms Franklin)

ssaly88
5 years ago

@KSRay: I have a coworker right now about ready to pop with her second son. She says she’s not staying away from work until he’s ready to make his entrance.

I guess a lot a these guys never thought pregnant women could go out and do things, most likely because they always just mistake pregnant for “fat”

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@ssaly88:

Well, I think it’s mostly because they don’t believe women actually work, and get all their information about how pregnant women act from shitty rom-coms.

lkeke35
5 years ago

Okay, that’s it! These guys have no idea how relationships or women, work.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

Look, some of these guys are very young and have never been through a pregnancy with a partner or female friend, so maybe they get a bit of a pass. But there is such a thing as deliberate ignorance, too.

ssaly88
5 years ago

@Kirbywarp: That probably also has something to do with it, but I would think that they have at least seen women out in public. I don’t know if I read it correctly, but I kind of interpreted those mock comments about how she couldn’t have a girl’s night as the assumption that pregnant women never go out in public. Kind of an extreme interpretation, I know, but I’m willing to believe any extreme position coming from guys like these.

ryeash
5 years ago

Wait, you’re supposed to be paying your girlfriend for being your girlfriend? Uh oh. I think I’ve been doing it wrong.

Some dudes owe me some money apparently. And what do I do about the women? Who pays who? Do we break even? What about the months when I make more money than my partner? Should he still be paying me? What about when we drop to only my income when he goes to grad school? Are there girlfriend loans so he can keep up on his payments to me? I wouldn’t want to have to send him to collections. He may elbow me in his sleep, but I hardly think that’s a reason to screw the guy’s credit.

Goddammit MRA, HOW DO I GIRLFRIEND. I haven’t even faked a single pregnancy or DV charge with anyone, I must be such a disappointment. Hell, I even completely financially supported a couple boyfriends. I am doing this girlfriend thing ALL wrong.

Cyberwulf
Cyberwulf
5 years ago

Oh please, like these assholes wouldn’t just take the far simpler route of simply vanishing over the horizon if a girlfriend/partner/fuckbuddy announced she was pregnant with their child. All these super clever complicated schemes to bring the b*tch back in line and humiliate her are just exercises in masturbation.

AbsintheDexterous
5 years ago

I can’t remember where the article was, but sometime awhile back, there was an article about the people buying and selling the positive pregnancy tests on Craigslist. Mostly, it seemed, women were doing it to find out if the guy would actually commit to them or not.

Honestly, I feel if you have to trick someone into giving you an honest answer, then you should break up with them, no matter how long you’ve been together. Untangle yourself from them and just go, no matter how hard it is, because do you really want to stay with someone who can’t be honest with you or that you just can’t trust them to be honest? That doesn’t make a good long-term relationship. Save your money for the post-breakup martinis.

But how about we also have less sexism? That women feel that they have to practically beg for a proposal from a long term boyfriend is horrible, especially since so many cultural influences put pressure on her to do so. If you’re not married by X, you’ll die alone. Dying alone is horrible because your cats will eat you. No one will ever want to look at you again. Maybe there’s something wrong with you that you’re not married yet? Try this new DIY cute decorated box to stuff your emotions and dignity into so that you’re more marriageable. Oops, seems like a corner of ambition is sticking out there, you’ll want to tuck that back in. Hmmm, maybe you need to add a lock for that box?

Not that I have strong opinions on that or anything. /sarcasm I just wish the “common wisdom” didn’t include things like “the Magical Vagina Creature will tame the Wild Man into proposing” and “men have to be dragged into commitment”.

KSRay
KSRay
5 years ago

Look, some of these guys are very young and have never been through a pregnancy with a partner or female friend, so maybe they get a bit of a pass. But there is such a thing as deliberate ignorance, too.

These jackholes live in an echo chamber get their information about what women are like from other jackholes, rather than actually engaging in an honest dialog with a woman.

Catalpa
Catalpa
5 years ago

You never know what kind of bizarre traps women might carry with them under the guise of being actual pregnancy tests:

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@ssaly88:

Oh sure, they see women in public. Many of them probably have female coworkers. But they’ve constructed this fantasy where if women have jobs at all and don’t mooch off their poor beta slave, they get paid to hang around the offices all day gossiping. Or taking a bunch of vacations. Or some other nonsense.

It’s tough to figure out what they actually think. They have so many narratives for how women behave, and each one claims to be universal. It’s a constantly shifting mess that somehow always manages to paint the woman in question poorly (to say the least).

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

@ Kirbywarp: Remember the telemarketer-guy who thought that women are always on vacation because they were “out” whenever he called?

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@GrumpyOldMangina:

Yup! Though I don’t remember if he was the same guy that complained his female supervisor was never in her office except for something like a couple hours on Tuesdays… And therefore all women are paid to sit around and do nothing just for giggles.

steampunked (@steampunked)

I’m not sure these people believe in women who aren’t doing complicated things like faking pregnancy tests – regardless if they see them or not. The vast majority of women are invisible to them. Ugly women, happy women, lesbians, women content with children, women content without children…

I’m not sure they actually recognise the existence of content women (or men) in general – vindictive women and suffering men are the only people who exist.

GrumpyOldMangina
5 years ago

I’ve said this before but … a woman who is content — particularly but not only without a man — is the most vicious form of misandry.

Chaos-Engineer
Chaos-Engineer
5 years ago

Ooo, this would be a good idea for a sit-com episode or maybe a movie! There’s a stock storyline where the main character has told their out-of-town parents that they’ve got a fiancee, and then has to come up with an actual fiancee before the parents come to visit. Or maybe they have to find a spouse in a very short period of time to collect an inheritance. Wacky hijinks always ensue, and people must really like the story because it’s been done so many times.

I just need to replace the spouse with a new-born kid. If a woman has lied about a pregnancy, she’s got maybe two months to actually get pregnant before she’s found out. (A little fast talking can convince the supporting characters that an 11-month pregnancy was perfectly normal.)

Let’s see, where’s a script I can rewrite? I guess this one’s as good as any. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Santa_Clause_2#Plot

ParadoxicalIntention
5 years ago

Annie Squidface | March 5, 2015 at 1:19 pm

I love how these guys are so scared of some gold-digging whore trapping him with a baby that they do these mental gymnastics, yet a vasectomy is out of the question.

Vasectomies are no small ordeal, especially if you’re the person getting one, but isn’t it better than living with that level of paranoia? You’d think that their quality of life would significantly improve.

They’d probably consider it to be “genital mutilation”, and refuse to do it because “why can’t she just be on the pill?! Why do I have to get a complicated surgery?! Condoms are gross and don’t fit me! Misandry!”.

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