Men, beware! The woman who just texted you “happy birthday” isn’t a nice person wishing you a “happy birthday.” She is, rather, a demoness from hell. Or at the very least a creepy “attention whore tease” who won’t let you into her pants.
According to racist shitbag “game” blogger Heartiste, any woman who texts men on special occasions “is a cocktease in digital form” trying to make sure you remain one of her “beta orbiter … cuckubines,” which is his fancy way of saying “friend.”
As he sees it, these dastardly Special Occasion Texters (SOTs) have only bad reasons to text dudes on special days. The SOT may be doing some routine “Beta Orbiter Maintainance.”
She texts birthday messages to all the beta male orbiters she has accumulated over the years, and she does this as part of a maintenance program to keep her orbiters from spinning too far out of her orbit (or, conversely, too close to her planet). … She needs those suck-ups sucking up to her emotional needs, and sometimes that requires sending a tiny sliver of romantic hope — say, a birthday text — to her cuckubines.
If she’s feeling insecure, she might be trying to reassure herself that she has a few interested men “in the wings.”
Or she might be “a wicked mindfucker who gets off stringing men betas along.”
These all kind of seem like the same reason to me, but what the heck.
In any case, Heartiste strongly urges his followers not to “chomp on her bland beta boob bait.”
Amazing alliteration, asshole!
Happily, Heartiste notes, you can totally get her back for this terrible act of hers, and possibly even lure her into your bedroom by … waiting a day before texting her back. And then being a bit of a dick about it.
Don’t move immediately to pin her down for a real date. Instead, wait a day, then reply “did u wish me happy labor day? weirdo.” Or, “you’re so cute when you stalk me”. The female SOT needs to know that you aren’t the kind of desperate guy to ask “how shiny?” when she tells you to polish her pedestal. She needs to be reminded in so many words that SHE’S the one who texted YOU, not the other way around, and this reminder of her active solicitation will reinforce the implication in her mind that you are the higher value company to keep.
Nothing screams “high value” like obsessing on the internet about how to outwit women with catty text messages.
Heartiste adds a little postscript:
PS If you want to use a SOT to open the lines of communication with a prospect, one irresistibly jerkish maneuver is to text the girl “happy bday” two weeks after her actual birthday. When she responds (and she will) that you’re two weeks late, grace her with a laconic “woops”. This is a small but powerful tactic to close the organic chaser (man)-chased (woman) gap, and thus improve your odds-to-lay.
Heartiste, I hate to break it to you, but you’re not actually the first guy to come up with the brilliant strategy of trying to get with women by being an asshole.
Naturally, Heartiste’s readers have their own, equally brilliant ideas.
Peter Pan notes that:
You can always send a SOT on the day of as well… just lace it with a slightly insulting element. For instance, deliberately get her name wrong, or say something like “Happy Birthday, grandma.” They have difficulty allowing such small things pass, and will reply to see if you were joking or not.
Oh, very clever.
themanofmystery2 offers his own “witty rejoinders.” No, that’s really what he calls them.
1. “Missed me, eh? No surprise there.”
2. “I’ve been waiting all year for you to send me that. THANK YOU!!!! 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 XD XD XD XD XD … ”
NEXT LINE: “You’re gay.”
3. [No matter what the holiday] “Happy Grandparents Day to you!” followed by an image of Depends with the caption “I got you a gift” (Careful with this one if she’s over 30 and has a weak self image)
SuperFucker! added his two cents:
[R]eaching out and and reminding her of the anniversary of something unpleasant, like the day she accidentally ran over her dog, is another appropriate neg for a girl giving you the runaround. Do NOT remind her of something truly horrific, though. Subtlety is key.
Such subtlety.
Sometimes I wonder if any of these guys have ever even been in the same room as a woman.
Wait, “odds-to-lay” is a term these people use?
These “men” are more catty than any of the girls I met when I was school-age. And there is a certain subset of teenage girl who can be pretty catty. It’s amazing. They’re like, beyond Mean Girls at this point!
Wow, this would be really funny if they weren’t apparently being serious…
Reblogged this on cm barton.
Don’t remind her of something horrific! Just remind her of the time she accidentally killed her beloved pet. Y’know, something that didn’t really stick with her all that much. /s
Wait. Sending a dead dog anniversary text isn’t horrific? What does he think actually is horrific? I would never speak with someone again if they joked about a pet’s death.
Sad thing I’m just throwing out there: I’ve used birthdays of guys I like as an excuse to message them and ask how they’ve been, because I was afraid to seem pushy without a reason.
Heartiste and Co., no, I am not a unicorn.
I wonder if they ever actually tell the women they’re obsessing over not obsessing over that they’re attracted to them?
Probably not, that would be totally beta. Better to overanalyze normal human interaction and passive-aggressively make digs at them for not begging for teh cawck.
“Cockubine” is actually funny, or would have been if said as part of an effective joke. I feel almost sorry for these people (misogynists, not cockubines). How bitter and empty do you have to be to impute these awful intentions to half of humanity, and destroy any and all possibility of friendship?
So either the woman a Heartiste disciple responds to with such creepy venom was a real friend who will now drop him like the sack of shit he is, or she really is an insecure and manipulative flake who’s susceptible to this PUA nonsense and he does get to bone her. He loses in both scenarios, because in the first case he aliented an actual friend and in the second he had meaningless sex with someone he despises. That’s such a sad way to live.
I love how he will come up with an acronym for anything.
This sounds like the perfect guide to scaring off all of your female friends. Enjoy being alone fellas, you earned it.
I thought “cuckubine” was a mashup of cuckold and concubine, not cock and &c.
New thread is not yet saturated with “what is it with these guys and the word ‘cuckold'” so let me be the first.
Meanwhile I’m wondering what’s wrong with having friends, exactly. This whole thing seems built on the idea that men can’t be friends with attractive women, whereas having attractive friends seems like a fine idea to me.
My mother and my wife texted me on my birthday, so I’m not sure what to make of this, which one is stringing me along?
…bags of sand.
These guys are rude to any woman who dares to take time out of her day to wish them well. That cannot be many women. That must be one in a million for them. They still hate her because she isn’t rushing over to their place with pie and blow jobs. They resent men with female friends and resent women for having any relationships at all.
They must have no friends at all. What a bunch of bitter, lonely men.
That would explain why they hang out with other assholes online lying about how turned on they make ladies in the pants by calling them grandma.
“Happy Birthday grandma. Remember when you ran over your dog?
PS Your gay.”
— Turdlord Greetings (A Division Of Hallmark)
Yeah, I’m sure that does WONDERS for their odds-to-lay.
It must be a shocking way to live, to hate women so much, but desire so much to sleep with them. They clearly have trouble reconciling that reality in those confused little brains. Even Freud would have struggled to articulate their daily reality.
Oh, one more thing. Do these dorkus-malorkusses realise that when a woman likes a guy she may just use his birthday as a way to make contact and pursue him? Maybe even for some meaningless sex? Not to have her (cough) pedestal polished?
Normally I feel sorry for women when I read Heartiste’s words. This actually makes me feel sorry for humanity.
Shorter Heartiste: Give me your money, and Iearn how to have poor social skills! Soon you too can be lonely and alone!
This shit just has to be a Poe. They can’t be serious.
http://www.gq.com/news-politics/big-issues/201503/mens-rights-activism-the-red-pill
GQ wrote about MRAs. MRAs are in the comments crying their eyes out.
🙂
They bitch relentlessly about women being rude and uppity to them, but when women take the time to be polite and considerate, they immediately seize the opportunity to ‘put her in her place’. Then they wonder why women won’t give them the time of day. Rinse and repeat for a lifetime of bitter loneliness.
Listening to what drooling morons consider to be clever always makes me profoundly sad.
Imagine storing up all this information about somebody – their age, their birthdate, pets – just to weaponize it all at tender moments for your own not-even-guaranteed personal gain. I want to take a shower just from thinking about it. I guess you can do pretty much anything if you’re convinced that another being is a subhuman who’s withholding a service, though.
I am getting a kick at what some of these text exchanges must look like:
Dude: Hey, I just remembered that cat you had! Y’know, the one that died so horribly. Fluffy, right?
Girl: You haven’t talked to me in a year and now you text me THIS? Blocked. Bye.
Dude: [thinking] Oh yeah, she texted back. Totally wants me.
Oh yes they have. It’s amazing how often I’ve had strangers tell me similar lines they clearly found on the internet. But I doubt it works better than my special “be a human being instead of a turd” dating advice.
Also – do people actually get upset if you reply to a text the next day? It seems like a reasonable length of time to me. It sounds like they got their information about women from “The Rules” and kids shows.
@Lea
Convicted paedophiles, sexual assaulters, rape apologists to the point of threatening to disown their own daughters and bad liars claiming that all of that horribleness is a “Joke” – yep, that’s the moronosphere in a nutshell alright.