Sometimes I forget that there are other people in the world who say things as bizarrely retrograde as the douchebags I write about here.
Case in point: televangelist and veteran sayer-of-bizarrely-retrograde-things Pat Robertson. On The 700 Club Monday, Right Wing Watch reports, Robertson answered a question from a woman who was worried, for some reason, about her daughter posting ultrasound pics on Facebook.
The kindly old preacher offered her yet another reason to worry:
I tell you, there are demons and there are evil people in the world, and you post a picture like that and some cultist gets hold of it or a coven and they begin muttering curses against an unborn child. You never know what somebody’s going to do.
You never know.
Also, you should probably worry if your pregnant daughter develops an external womb.This is a sign that she may be breeding a small army of murderous rage-babies (see below), at least if this documentary by David Cronenberg is any guide.
NOTE: The Cronenberg movie is not actually a documentary. Also, covens of witches are not going to curse your fetus using Facebook.
I know, right? I mean, they need a little muscle and a little fat. And there is just not enough to satisfy the appetite when they are so tiny. Although…they make yummy appetizers.
Ah, witches. So behind the times. Us atheists have long ago recognized the delicious splendor of baby barbecue. The secret is in the sauce!
Witches have other and better Things to do than cursing unborn babies. But now I might consider cursing Pat Robertson….
My husband wasn’t quite prepared for the state of a baby’s head as it *ahem* emerges.
He later gigglingly admitted to me that his panicked thoughts included, “JUST GET OUT OF MOMMY, QUASIMODO BABY! WE’LL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!”
The church I used to go to wasn’t this nutty, but they discouraged Halloween a lot, and once, when I was going though their library (I was in fourth or fifth grade at the time) and I found a book about how Harry Potter encouraged children to join witch covens. I thought my old church was odd, but reading this…
Also, sorry if my earlier comment seemed to come out of left field. I wrote it when there were only a few other commenters, then got distracted.
@Kane Thari:
I think anti-Harry Potter folks overestimate the attention span of their children. Harry Potter is a world where witches and wizards wave wands around and make magical lights and big noises appear instantly. Can you imagine a kid going to join a coven, only to find the same boring standing and sitting and kneeling and chanting they’d find in church? Subtle promises of future power aren’t exactly appealing when compared to big explosions.
And here’s to you, Mr. Robertson,
Jesus loves you less than you can know.
God help you, please Mr. Robertson.
Heaven isn’t just about how much you pray,
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
We’d like a picture of your fetus to defile
We’d like to help you and say, **** yourself.
Look around you all you see are Satanic eyes,
Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.
Knowing Robertson, I’m pretty sure by “witches,” he means “feminists.” (Or “lesbians.”)
Kane: there was that famous article by The Onion that fooled lots of parents into believing Harry Potter was causing Satanism among children.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/harry-potter-books-spark-rise-in-satanism-among-ch,2413/
Damn. Pat Robertson is onto us. I’ll have to alert my coven.
Oh wow, that onion article was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while.
You know, as you do.
So that’s what this woman was up to:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-12-08/woman-who-allegedly-sold-fake-baby-ultrasound-images-charged/5952358
She was protecting the fetuseseses from witches!
Best line in that Onion Piece, with the bit that tickles my little bio-heart most bolded:
Ah, fictional principle, I so feel your fictional happiness! Yes! Let the little kiddies read all the books! Whoohoo!
While this is just silly and stupid, remember that Pat Robertson is also a genuinely disgusting parasite of a person. A while back I saw a video from The 700 Club where he got a question from, as I recall, an old woman who said she and her husband had been basically tithing to the church her whole life despite having very low incomes. Now her husband (again, I might get the details wrong here) had problems with his teeth, and she just couldn’t see how to figure all this stuff out. Would god come through for them? Pat’s answer: just keep giving away all your money and god will fix everything! Get a job even though you’re 80 years old! Sell your possessions on eBay!
So yeah.. I also don’t support violence, but can we at least kill.. NO… ok, can we just lock him up somewhere?
Maybe the curse is that they’ll be the type of person who listens to Pat Robertson?
*Ehem… fictional principal. English and all the homophones. 🙁
This is still not as outrageous as the coven of witch-doctors that has been dominating the upper echelons of the austrian hospital system by hexing nation’s ground water with their mad magical drum beats.
Yes, that’s an actual conspiracy theory somebody came up with.
As someone who has just started studying witchcraft, ain’t no witch got time for that.
I got to keep studying spells and how to grow proper herb gardens, how to cleanse my altar, what gems and tools I should stock up on, and good ways to participate in the holidays (I found a really yummy-looking recipe for Moon Cookies for Yule!) and plan for when I can practice in the open and have the money to practice how I wish. And that’s just the witchcraft stuff. I don’t have time for Sally McFacebook’s unborn grandchild spawn. It’s great you want to protect your grandchildren, but really? You’re worried about me, not the person who’s trying to indoctrinate your grandkids to give him all their money?
I honestly don’t believe in practicing curses though, mostly because I believe in karma (and the Rule of Three). My karma is too precious to waste on your unborn grandchild and I would never punish an unborn child for anything, no matter how shitty the bearer is. Nor would I waste karma cursing someone I’ve never even met. (Also, I tend to stay off of Facebook entirely, so that helps me keep my Vow of Witchy Niceness.)
Another pagan, pantheist witch here.
Oh, Pat Robertson. Citation needed.
I’d hate to be him. So terrified of witches, poor people and happy gay couples. In fact, pretty sure this guy spends more time thinking of gay sex than actual gay men do.
My dyslexia read “ROB PATTINSON” on the title. My first thought was “I could see R. Pattz saying that.”
Yup.
For whatever this is worth, I’m a witch. And if I see an ultrasound on Facebook from a friend who’s expecting a kid (or grandkid), all I do is click “like” and say congratulations.
And besides, everyone knows that witches don’t curse unborn children, they steal newborns out of their cribs and swap ’em for troll babies. [/sarcasm, in case needed]
WatermelonSugar | February 18, 2015 at 4:28 pm
Eh, I couldn’t. He doesn’t seem the type to think that witches are out to get him. Twilight fangirls, maybe.
Also, I’d like to express my sheer (happy!) surprise that there are so many witches on here. Holy shit! 😀
My (fundamentalist Christian) high school literally banned Harry Potter because of that article until I explained to them what The Onion was. I wish I was kidding. ಠ_ಠ
Bina – Hey! No giving away ALL the witchy secrets! Besides, every witch knows you swap newborns with fairy changelings. ????