So once again I took a look through some of the weirder search terms that people have used to get to this blog.
There are of course a number of misguided souls who get here by accident while searching, rather incompetently, for porn. Here are a few of their less obscene queries:
sex pron lades@man dowounlod
men who like to fart in womens faces
filling horny guim with egg
(I’m assuming this last one is a porn-related query. Though I have no idea what a “guim” is, and Urban Dictionary, frankly, is no help here.)
Perhaps the saddest of all the porn-related queries:
sexual contact between men and women videos
Aw, dude, seriously, there are like a billion videos of “sexual contact between men and women” online. It’s just that NONE OF THEM ARE ON THIS SITE.
There are also numerous visitors with seemingly urgent sexual questions to which this blog provides no answers:
my vagina gapes naturally
jerk off instructions serious
A suprising number of these involve spitting. Specfically, spitting into women’s mouths, a topic I addressed in one post some time ago.
what does spit in my mouth mean
what does it mean when a man spits in your mouth during sex
how do you spit in a girls mouth
why would you spit in someones mouth
What really strikes me, though, is how many of these queries would make perfect opening lines for truly awful conversations:
why are white women so stupid
i hate women that like bad boys
females are sneaky
what do fatties think of mgtow
how can i punch a woman
Backing away slowly now.
And then there was this one, essentially a very sad, very short story in the form of a Google query:
am somali matuher 45age my husband died now i need to marry his 25 years young brother of my husband died
Contact me to inquire about obtaining the movie rights to this or any of these other queries.
And if you’re feeling brave: see if you can work one of these phrases into a real-life conversation today, and report back on how it goes.
@Starstorm and Kakanian
I come from a place where sex ed is called family life. God, it was so useless.
Things I learned from family life:
You must separate people by sex to talk about human anatomy
Pee doesn’t come out of the vagina
Pee and semen come out the same hole (and it’s not gross at all)
Here is how you hide all evidence of menstruation and if you don’t keep it secret, you’re weird
Sex hurts at first, and you should only do it when you’re married and have both been tested
Here’s an artificial boob, find the tumor
Here’s a list of birth control methods and indecipherable illustrations
How it feels to be triggered
Things I didn’t learn:
There are more than two sexes
There are more than two genders
There are many sexualities
Menstrual cup
How a condom works (or any BC method)
Sex doesn’t have to hurt
How consent works
How life in a family works
“You do realize that this means we have to write whimsical instructions for jerking off, yes?”
Step 1, take off pants
Step 2, sit on whoopie cushion?
Anyone wanna add to the list?
I don’t get it, you punch a woman the same way you punch a man. I mean, it’s not okay to punch people in general, but it’s not complicated.
“how can i punch a woman”
Maybe he’s a robot and is trying to find a way around the Asimov’s 1st law of robotics?
I wonder if “quim” got a publicity boost from The Avengers movie?
If “how can I punch a woman” dude is looking for info on how to do it and get away with it, here are two handy and useful words of actual advice:
YOU CAN’T.
Okay, and maybe a third:
DON’T.
We’re going our own way! Nahnahnahnah nah-nah! Oh wait, better check what women think about this…
Sadly this is probably more proof that the “men going their own way” aren’t, well, actually going anywhere… sigh
And the people who end up at your site because they were looking for porn? Welcome to the Internet, where all you have to do is type “porn” and you’ll have lots of “sexual contact between men and women” videos.
Actually, this reminds me of another story – a friend in high school wrote a story about an elf and put it on the internet. Since this was the 90s, we thought this was a huge deal. Also, the site was titled “Porn on the Internet” even though the story was about as sexless as you can get considering it’s one guy living by himself in a forest. However, he evidently misspelled “therapy” as “therepy” somewhere in the story. We checked the searches to see what led people to visit the site, and evidently there are a lot of people out there who can’t spell the word therapy and will be distracted by the first “porn” site they see…
@Nequam: probably.
Although, it beats me how a Nordic ‘God’ would choose to use a old-english/victorian era insult/euphemism.
Blaming All-Speak doesn’t quite work, as most of the audience probably wasn’t familiar with that word from anything but context, so All-Speak should have translated it to the more modern vernacular. If he was legit just cursing and not bothering with All-Speak, you’d think the Nordic God would curse in (at least) a Nordic dialect, if not “Old Norse” itself!
…if there is such a thing.
I may be wrong, because I stink at languages and it’s been a long, long, long time since I was on my “memorize all the insults” kick, but if Marvel needs some suggestions:
“Tik” I think means female dog, so you know where that would go.
“Meyla” means young/little girl, which seems like the whole condescending diminutive thing that I could see Loki doing.
I don’t really recall any others… Anyone fluent in a Nordic language? Or, even better yet, a really archaic dialect of?
If so, could you tell me how to say “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” (or a reasonable variation thereof)?
Contra — problem there, if I remember my QI corretly, is that none of their insults survived. I think they were discussing Norse insults, might’ve been another language, but the point was that scribes tended to be religious and thus not swear.
Whimsical jerking off instructions:
1) find a jerk
2) tell ’em off (bonus points for working fuck off into a string of insults)
3) ????
4) PROFIT!!
Contrapangloss: Excuse my ignorance but I’m going to infer from that that this is an insult and if it is, how?
@starstorm
If they have a penis, then I believe they’re doing it wrong.
Ieke35, the answer to your query lies in Bina’s video. The very same movie, quite a few minutes later on, also explains the proper way to count to three.
@Argenti:
That sounds both interesting and possible. However, being religious types totally didn’t prevent later monks in other regions from drawing ridiculous things in bibles and manuscripts.
…and sometimes complaining about having to transcribe things, making fart jokes, and documenting the rise of giant, militarized snails.
@M – regarding “vaginas full of egg”, I think it’s a specific reference to this book here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Story_of_the_Eye
Well, to be fair, my female khajiit assassin’s sneak skill is at 89 and she’s only level 20. And I think one of the mods I have installed gives a smidgen of a sneak boost to some females of some races, but I think that’s based more on weight and height modifiers than sex or gender.
/nerd
It’s really very simple. The direction in which to jerk is off.
Are fatties supposed to have a different opinion about MGTOWs than thinner people? Because I’m pretty sure both groups think they’re ridiculous.
THIS IS SO CUTE GUYS WATCH IT.
Also, Jade and Pan are from a rescue that did heavy-duty fostering of young kittens, and I have to say, it really helped with the socialization. I took my two home and they were exploring my apartment right off the bat and crawled into bed to sleep with me the same night.
Then Pan attacked my bangs, but you know, you can’t do everything.
That was not the video I wanted to post.
This was:
DAMNIT THIS IS IT:
Thanx Bina, Contrpangloss! ????????????
@yutolia
They’re so much like the capitalistic Rapture/”going Galt” crowd and I would not be surprised if there were significant overlap. They’re not interested in going their own way, they want to get their own way by, I don’t know, threatening to hold their breaths until they turn blue or something. And then not even going through with it. It’s tedious and absurd.
I think the site rule was to introduce myself before posting, sorry I forgot. I’ve been lurking on this site and did my share skirmishing with these idiots in god-forsaken corners of the internet. When I read up on the FAQs and rules, I came across this comment and decided I just had to use “pussy power tantrum” as my handle. I greatly admire David’s work and think y’all are awesome.
Yeah my search terms, though messed up, don’t really reach that level of bizarre. I wrote one post about threats faced by porn star Mia Khalifa. As you can imagine, search results that lead my way now consist of this:
I give up.