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"What do fatties think of MGTOW" and other search term queries that will find no answer on this blog

Naked farting men: One of many topics not covered by this blog
Naked farting men: One of many topics not covered by this blog

So once again I took a look through some of the weirder search terms that people have used to get to this blog.

There are of course a number of misguided souls who get here by accident while searching, rather incompetently, for porn. Here are a few of their less obscene queries:

sex pron lades@man dowounlod

men who like to fart in womens faces

filling horny guim with egg

(I’m assuming this last one is a porn-related query. Though I have no idea what a “guim” is, and Urban Dictionary, frankly, is no help here.)

Perhaps the saddest of all the porn-related queries:

sexual contact between men and women videos

Aw, dude, seriously, there are like a billion videos of “sexual contact between men and women” online. It’s just that NONE OF THEM ARE ON THIS SITE.

There are also numerous visitors with seemingly urgent sexual questions to which this blog provides no answers:

my vagina gapes naturally

jerk off instructions serious

A suprising number of these involve spitting. Specfically, spitting into women’s mouths, a topic I addressed in one post some time ago.

what does spit in my mouth mean

what does it mean when a man spits in your mouth during sex

how do you spit in a girls mouth

why would you spit in someones mouth

What really strikes me, though, is how many of these queries would make perfect opening lines for truly awful conversations:

why are white women so stupid

i hate women that like bad boys

females are sneaky

what do fatties think of mgtow

how can i punch a woman

Backing away slowly now.

And then there was this one, essentially a very sad, very short story in the form of a Google query:

am somali matuher 45age my husband died now i need to marry his 25 years young brother of my husband died

Contact me to inquire about obtaining the movie rights to this or any of these other queries.

And if you’re feeling brave: see if you can work one of these phrases into a real-life conversation today, and report back on how it goes.

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Ivy Shoots (@IvyShoots)

I suspect “guim” was supposed to be “quim,” a fairly obsolete slang word for vagina or vaginal area.

M.
M.
6 years ago

Given the spelling abilities shown in the other porn queries (“Dowounlod,” really?), I’m pretty sure that “Guim” was supposed to be “Quim.”

As for why somebody would be interested in vaginas full of egg… Yeah, that one, I can’t answer. And don’t want anybody else to answer. Wut.

M.
M.
6 years ago

NINJA’D.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

I wonder if anyone has stumbled on this site whilst actually researching how to hunt mammoths?

ceebarks
ceebarks
6 years ago

I don’t know why but “jerk off instructions serious” made me lol for real.

That is sad about the Somali lady! 🙁

ParadoxicalIntention
6 years ago

“What do fatties think of MGTOW?”

This particular fatty would really like them to finally go their own fucking way and shut up about leaving. No, I won’t change my mind, and no, you won’t be missed.

Git. Shoo.

Falconer
6 years ago

Let me jump on the “this fatty wants MGTOWs to shut up and do it already” bandwagon.

Fnoicby
Fnoicby
6 years ago

I second that the request for “serious” jerk off instructions made me lol.

What do fatties think of mgtow. ..I’m not sure my BMI fully qualifies me as a “fatty” but I’m damn close. I don’t really think of mgtow, to be honest. And when I force myself to, I get a “meh” sort of feeling.

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

Wonder if he looked for serious jerk off instructions cause he kept getting zaney or sarcastic instructions when he didn’t specify.

lkeke35
6 years ago

ParadoxicalIntention:
Got! Shoo!????
(Why in the Hell is that so funny?)

lkeke35
6 years ago

Okay! I meant Git!
Damn SpellCorrect.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Add me to the list of people, fat or otherwise, who think MGTOW should just fucking GO, already. Go quietly, under cover of darkness. No whining, no kvetching, no wanking about evil women. No Internet for you. Go, go, GO ALREADY.

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

“jerk off instructions serious” is kinda sad too. There’s someone who has been failed by sex education.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

Backing away slowly now.

Then you serpentined sharply away making the Hanna Barbara “googly-googly” noise, right?

Ick.

What does this fattie think of Men Who Threaten to Runaway but Never Do?

I don’t.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

““jerk off instructions serious” is kinda sad too. There’s someone who has been failed by sex education.”

Maybe it’s a Caribbean chef who’s over-spiced a chicken?

Wetherby
6 years ago

I could have beaten my daughter at Scrabble if I’d played ‘quim’ on a triple word score.

I wasn’t concerned so much about the inevitable question (“It’s another word for front bottom, darling”) as the very real possibility that she might repeat it at school, so I restrained myself…

…and she went on to beat me by fractionally less than the 78 points that it would have won (thanks to it completing another word). But at least I occupied the moral high ground.

ParadoxicalIntention
6 years ago

lkeke35 | February 11, 2015 at 3:19 pm

ParadoxicalIntention:
Got! Shoo!????
(Why in the Hell is that so funny?)

Because it sounds like I’m trying to scare an errant raccoon away from my trash bins?

NicolaLuna
NicolaLuna
6 years ago

“Females are sneaky” – it’s true. Just today I totally sneaked vegetables into my kids dinner. Stealth health. Muahahahaah (evil, sneaky laugh)

I also sneaked one of Mr. Luna’s cake bars, shhh.

ParadoxicalIntention
6 years ago

NicolaLuna | February 11, 2015 at 3:44 pm

“Females are sneaky” – it’s true. Just today I totally sneaked vegetables into my kids dinner. Stealth health. Muahahahaah (evil, sneaky laugh)

The only real sneaky stuff I’ve been doing as of late is in Skyrim. And I did it to sneak around behind a guy so I can stab him, and then archery snipe his friend off of a high wall. Misandry!

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

I can’t get over the one who needs “jerk off instructions serious”. Dude, you’ve got hands and an imagination. YOU figure it out.

StarStorm
6 years ago

1) This fatty would also like the MGTOW to finally GTOMFW.

2) Here’s some serious instructions for jerking off:
a) Apply lubricant to palm and/or penis (optional).
b) Gently wrap palm and fingers around penis.
c) Stroke penis in a gentle up and down motion until semen comes out.

Goddess fuck, it’s not that fuckin’ hard. This works for handjobs (save for the poor guy who apparently ran into a woman who thought a handjob was like rip-staring a lawn mower) as well.

Kakanian
Kakanian
6 years ago

@Fnoicby

I remember that back when we entered puberty, my friends had troubles figuring the mechanics of that. Sex ed, even in mags that did feature articles on that usually stopped short of the sort of hands-on instructions people were looking for.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

how can i punch a woman

Wrong question, dude. The proper question is, how can you even THINK of that? If women bug you so much, go find yourself a nice desert island and row, row, row your boat over to it. And STAY there.

why are white women so stupid

I dunno, white boy. Have you tried looking in your mirror lately? (You do HAVE a mirror, don’t you?)

StarStorm
6 years ago

You do realize that this means we have to write whimsical instructions for jerking off, yes?

Quiet Wolf
Quiet Wolf
6 years ago

@Starstorm and Kakanian

I come from a place where sex ed is called family life. God, it was so useless.

Things I learned from family life:
You must separate people by sex to talk about human anatomy
Pee doesn’t come out of the vagina
Pee and semen come out the same hole (and it’s not gross at all)
Here is how you hide all evidence of menstruation and if you don’t keep it secret, you’re weird
Sex hurts at first, and you should only do it when you’re married and have both been tested
Here’s an artificial boob, find the tumor
Here’s a list of birth control methods and indecipherable illustrations
How it feels to be triggered

Things I didn’t learn:
There are more than two sexes
There are more than two genders
There are many sexualities
Menstrual cup
How a condom works (or any BC method)
Sex doesn’t have to hurt
How consent works
How life in a family works

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

“You do realize that this means we have to write whimsical instructions for jerking off, yes?”

Step 1, take off pants
Step 2, sit on whoopie cushion?

Anyone wanna add to the list?

chaltab
chaltab
6 years ago

how can i punch a woman

I don’t get it, you punch a woman the same way you punch a man. I mean, it’s not okay to punch people in general, but it’s not complicated.

Spindrift
Spindrift
6 years ago

“how can i punch a woman”

Maybe he’s a robot and is trying to find a way around the Asimov’s 1st law of robotics?

Nequam
Nequam
6 years ago

I suspect “guim” was supposed to be “quim,” a fairly obsolete slang word for vagina or vaginal area.

I wonder if “quim” got a publicity boost from The Avengers movie?

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

If “how can I punch a woman” dude is looking for info on how to do it and get away with it, here are two handy and useful words of actual advice:

YOU CAN’T.

Okay, and maybe a third:

DON’T.

yutolia
yutolia
6 years ago

what do fatties think of mgtow

We’re going our own way! Nahnahnahnah nah-nah! Oh wait, better check what women think about this…

Sadly this is probably more proof that the “men going their own way” aren’t, well, actually going anywhere… sigh

yutolia
yutolia
6 years ago

And the people who end up at your site because they were looking for porn? Welcome to the Internet, where all you have to do is type “porn” and you’ll have lots of “sexual contact between men and women” videos.

Actually, this reminds me of another story – a friend in high school wrote a story about an elf and put it on the internet. Since this was the 90s, we thought this was a huge deal. Also, the site was titled “Porn on the Internet” even though the story was about as sexless as you can get considering it’s one guy living by himself in a forest. However, he evidently misspelled “therapy” as “therepy” somewhere in the story. We checked the searches to see what led people to visit the site, and evidently there are a lot of people out there who can’t spell the word therapy and will be distracted by the first “porn” site they see…

contrapangloss
6 years ago

@Nequam: probably.

Although, it beats me how a Nordic ‘God’ would choose to use a old-english/victorian era insult/euphemism.

Blaming All-Speak doesn’t quite work, as most of the audience probably wasn’t familiar with that word from anything but context, so All-Speak should have translated it to the more modern vernacular. If he was legit just cursing and not bothering with All-Speak, you’d think the Nordic God would curse in (at least) a Nordic dialect, if not “Old Norse” itself!

…if there is such a thing.

I may be wrong, because I stink at languages and it’s been a long, long, long time since I was on my “memorize all the insults” kick, but if Marvel needs some suggestions:

“Tik” I think means female dog, so you know where that would go.
“Meyla” means young/little girl, which seems like the whole condescending diminutive thing that I could see Loki doing.

I don’t really recall any others… Anyone fluent in a Nordic language? Or, even better yet, a really archaic dialect of?

If so, could you tell me how to say “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” (or a reasonable variation thereof)?

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Contra — problem there, if I remember my QI corretly, is that none of their insults survived. I think they were discussing Norse insults, might’ve been another language, but the point was that scribes tended to be religious and thus not swear.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Whimsical jerking off instructions:

1) find a jerk
2) tell ’em off (bonus points for working fuck off into a string of insults)
3) ????
4) PROFIT!!

lkeke35
6 years ago

Contrapangloss: Excuse my ignorance but I’m going to infer from that that this is an insult and if it is, how?

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

opium4themasses
6 years ago

@starstorm

it’s not that fucking hard

If they have a penis, then I believe they’re doing it wrong.

contrapangloss
6 years ago

Ieke35, the answer to your query lies in Bina’s video. The very same movie, quite a few minutes later on, also explains the proper way to count to three.

contrapangloss
6 years ago

@Argenti:

That sounds both interesting and possible. However, being religious types totally didn’t prevent later monks in other regions from drawing ridiculous things in bibles and manuscripts.

…and sometimes complaining about having to transcribe things, making fart jokes, and documenting the rise of giant, militarized snails.

ObjectiveReality
6 years ago

@M – regarding “vaginas full of egg”, I think it’s a specific reference to this book here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Story_of_the_Eye

fromafar2013
fromafar2013
6 years ago

females are sneaky

Well, to be fair, my female khajiit assassin’s sneak skill is at 89 and she’s only level 20. And I think one of the mods I have installed gives a smidgen of a sneak boost to some females of some races, but I think that’s based more on weight and height modifiers than sex or gender.

/nerd

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

It’s really very simple. The direction in which to jerk is off.

Are fatties supposed to have a different opinion about MGTOWs than thinner people? Because I’m pretty sure both groups think they’re ridiculous.

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
6 years ago

THIS IS SO CUTE GUYS WATCH IT.

Also, Jade and Pan are from a rescue that did heavy-duty fostering of young kittens, and I have to say, it really helped with the socialization. I took my two home and they were exploring my apartment right off the bat and crawled into bed to sleep with me the same night.

Then Pan attacked my bangs, but you know, you can’t do everything.

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
6 years ago

That was not the video I wanted to post.

This was:

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
6 years ago

DAMNIT THIS IS IT:

lkeke35
6 years ago

Thanx Bina, Contrpangloss! ????????????

PussyPowerTantrum
PussyPowerTantrum
6 years ago

@yutolia

Sadly this is probably more proof that the “men going their own way” aren’t, well, actually going anywhere… sigh

They’re so much like the capitalistic Rapture/”going Galt” crowd and I would not be surprised if there were significant overlap. They’re not interested in going their own way, they want to get their own way by, I don’t know, threatening to hold their breaths until they turn blue or something. And then not even going through with it. It’s tedious and absurd.

I think the site rule was to introduce myself before posting, sorry I forgot. I’ve been lurking on this site and did my share skirmishing with these idiots in god-forsaken corners of the internet. When I read up on the FAQs and rules, I came across this comment and decided I just had to use “pussy power tantrum” as my handle. I greatly admire David’s work and think y’all are awesome.

Miss Andry
6 years ago

Yeah my search terms, though messed up, don’t really reach that level of bizarre. I wrote one post about threats faced by porn star Mia Khalifa. As you can imagine, search results that lead my way now consist of this:

mia khalifa

mia khalifa fucked pics

mia khalifa su vagina

mia khalifa anal

I give up.

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