So once again I took a look through some of the weirder search terms that people have used to get to this blog.
There are of course a number of misguided souls who get here by accident while searching, rather incompetently, for porn. Here are a few of their less obscene queries:
sex pron lades@man dowounlod
men who like to fart in womens faces
filling horny guim with egg
(I’m assuming this last one is a porn-related query. Though I have no idea what a “guim” is, and Urban Dictionary, frankly, is no help here.)
Perhaps the saddest of all the porn-related queries:
sexual contact between men and women videos
Aw, dude, seriously, there are like a billion videos of “sexual contact between men and women” online. It’s just that NONE OF THEM ARE ON THIS SITE.
There are also numerous visitors with seemingly urgent sexual questions to which this blog provides no answers:
my vagina gapes naturally
jerk off instructions serious
A suprising number of these involve spitting. Specfically, spitting into women’s mouths, a topic I addressed in one post some time ago.
what does spit in my mouth mean
what does it mean when a man spits in your mouth during sex
how do you spit in a girls mouth
why would you spit in someones mouth
What really strikes me, though, is how many of these queries would make perfect opening lines for truly awful conversations:
why are white women so stupid
i hate women that like bad boys
females are sneaky
what do fatties think of mgtow
how can i punch a woman
Backing away slowly now.
And then there was this one, essentially a very sad, very short story in the form of a Google query:
am somali matuher 45age my husband died now i need to marry his 25 years young brother of my husband died
Contact me to inquire about obtaining the movie rights to this or any of these other queries.
And if you’re feeling brave: see if you can work one of these phrases into a real-life conversation today, and report back on how it goes.
I suspect “guim” was supposed to be “quim,” a fairly obsolete slang word for vagina or vaginal area.
Given the spelling abilities shown in the other porn queries (“Dowounlod,” really?), I’m pretty sure that “Guim” was supposed to be “Quim.”
As for why somebody would be interested in vaginas full of egg… Yeah, that one, I can’t answer. And don’t want anybody else to answer. Wut.
NINJA’D.
I wonder if anyone has stumbled on this site whilst actually researching how to hunt mammoths?
I don’t know why but “jerk off instructions serious” made me lol for real.
That is sad about the Somali lady! 🙁
This particular fatty would really like them to finally go their own fucking way and shut up about leaving. No, I won’t change my mind, and no, you won’t be missed.
Git. Shoo.
Let me jump on the “this fatty wants MGTOWs to shut up and do it already” bandwagon.
I second that the request for “serious” jerk off instructions made me lol.
What do fatties think of mgtow. ..I’m not sure my BMI fully qualifies me as a “fatty” but I’m damn close. I don’t really think of mgtow, to be honest. And when I force myself to, I get a “meh” sort of feeling.
Wonder if he looked for serious jerk off instructions cause he kept getting zaney or sarcastic instructions when he didn’t specify.
ParadoxicalIntention:
Got! Shoo!????
(Why in the Hell is that so funny?)
Okay! I meant Git!
Damn SpellCorrect.
Add me to the list of people, fat or otherwise, who think MGTOW should just fucking GO, already. Go quietly, under cover of darkness. No whining, no kvetching, no wanking about evil women. No Internet for you. Go, go, GO ALREADY.
“jerk off instructions serious” is kinda sad too. There’s someone who has been failed by sex education.
Then you serpentined sharply away making the Hanna Barbara “googly-googly” noise, right?
Ick.
What does this fattie think of Men Who Threaten to Runaway but Never Do?
I don’t.
““jerk off instructions serious” is kinda sad too. There’s someone who has been failed by sex education.”
Maybe it’s a Caribbean chef who’s over-spiced a chicken?
I could have beaten my daughter at Scrabble if I’d played ‘quim’ on a triple word score.
I wasn’t concerned so much about the inevitable question (“It’s another word for front bottom, darling”) as the very real possibility that she might repeat it at school, so I restrained myself…
…and she went on to beat me by fractionally less than the 78 points that it would have won (thanks to it completing another word). But at least I occupied the moral high ground.
lkeke35 | February 11, 2015 at 3:19 pm
Because it sounds like I’m trying to scare an errant raccoon away from my trash bins?
“Females are sneaky” – it’s true. Just today I totally sneaked vegetables into my kids dinner. Stealth health. Muahahahaah (evil, sneaky laugh)
I also sneaked one of Mr. Luna’s cake bars, shhh.
NicolaLuna | February 11, 2015 at 3:44 pm
The only real sneaky stuff I’ve been doing as of late is in Skyrim. And I did it to sneak around behind a guy so I can stab him, and then archery snipe his friend off of a high wall. Misandry!
I can’t get over the one who needs “jerk off instructions serious”. Dude, you’ve got hands and an imagination. YOU figure it out.
1) This fatty would also like the MGTOW to finally GTOMFW.
2) Here’s some serious instructions for jerking off:
a) Apply lubricant to palm and/or penis (optional).
b) Gently wrap palm and fingers around penis.
c) Stroke penis in a gentle up and down motion until semen comes out.
Goddess fuck, it’s not that fuckin’ hard. This works for handjobs (save for the poor guy who apparently ran into a woman who thought a handjob was like rip-staring a lawn mower) as well.
@Fnoicby
I remember that back when we entered puberty, my friends had troubles figuring the mechanics of that. Sex ed, even in mags that did feature articles on that usually stopped short of the sort of hands-on instructions people were looking for.
Wrong question, dude. The proper question is, how can you even THINK of that? If women bug you so much, go find yourself a nice desert island and row, row, row your boat over to it. And STAY there.
I dunno, white boy. Have you tried looking in your mirror lately? (You do HAVE a mirror, don’t you?)
After doing an actial search for “jerk off instructions serious” I see that it’s a genre of porn in which a femdom orders a dude to jerk off. It’s not clear how they got to WHTM from that search; at least on Google there’s no link to here in the search results. My search for “jerk off instructions whimsical” did not return any useful links.
You do realize that this means we have to write whimsical instructions for jerking off, yes?