A Voice for Men’s embattled Grand Wizard Paul Elam and his followers have responded to Buzzfeed’s devastating profile of him in some predictable ways, and in a few less predictable ones.
If you’re read the Buzzfeed piece – and if you haven’t, you really, really should – you know that it devoted a lot of time to the sad and sordid history of Elam’s three marriages and the even more sad and sordid story of the daughter he abandoned.
In a long and rambling post on Buzzfeed’s piece, Elam – all too predictably – goes after “Susan,” his first wife and the only one of his three ex-wives who was willing to talk on the record, trying his best to destroy her credibility by portraying her, essentially, as a lying slut.
Elam miraculously, and probably with considerable effort, managed to avoid the s-word – a favorite of writers on his site. But his attempts to slut-shame her are as transparent as glass.
Over the course of his post, he describes her as “very enthusiastic about sex,” “indeed very enthusiastic about sex,” and “a promiscuous wife.” He alleges that during their brief marriage “her sexual enthusiasm wasn’t limited to me,” and repeats the accusation that he leveled at her at the time – that she lied about being raped in order to cover up her own infidelity. He declares her to be a “habitual liar,” someone who “cheated and lied constantly.”
Elam also suggests that Buzzfeed paid his ex-wife and daughter to talk trash about him; and he makes several other serious allegations against his ex-wife that I won’t repeat. (EDIT: Buzzfeed’s Editorial Standards and Ethics policy forbids paying sources.]
A decade ago, you may recall from Buzzfeed’s piece, Elam reunited with the daughter he had abandoned as a baby, only to drive her away several years later after, she claims, spanking one of his grandsons for opening the refrigerator.
In his post, while referring to her as his daughter, he resurrects an old accusation, writing that “I need to point out that it has not been established that I actually have a daughter.”
Buzzfeed quotes what it says is an email Elam sent to his daughter in 2005, in which he apologized to her and to his brother. “I owe both of you a tremendous debt,” he wrote. “I just said some unflattering things involving [his ex-wife], but the more important truth here is that I failed both of you.”
In his post, though, Elam declares that “I did not, as alleged, tell Bonnie [his daughter] that I was sorry that I had failed her. I told her that I was sorry such misfortune had been her lot.”
If the email quoted by Buzzfeed is authentic, this is a blatant lie.
While the attacks on his ex (and his halfway renunciation of his daughter) are sadly predictable, Elam also resorts to a desperate if inventive diversionary tactic, suggesting that the art used to illustrate Buzzfeed’s post is somehow … anti-Semitic, reminiscent of Nazi propaganda. Uh, no. I’m pretty sure that one or both of the authors of the Buzzfeed article, Adam Serwer and Katie Baker, would have said something if this were even remotely the case; they’re both Jewish.
Judge for yourself. Here’s the picture AVFM used to illustrate Elam’s post:
In the comments to his post on AVFM, meanwhile, Elam’s supporters circle the wagons and lash out at pretty much anyone they can think of who’s ever said less-than-flattering things about their dear leader. They are considerably less careful with their language than Elam.
In the post’s “Featured Comment,” with close to 70 upvotes at the moment, AVFM contributor “Andybob” lashes out at Elam’s enemies:
A disgruntled ex from decades ago and a brainwashed daughter that probably isn’t his who were doubtlessly given some kind of monetary incentive to say that Paul Elam won’t be getting their votes for Man of the Year any time soon. After months of sleepless nights planning his cunning revenge, the best Serwer could come up with was to drag out this pair of bitter malcontents who were probably chomping on the bit to take a swipe a man who chose not to serve them in the ways to which they obviously feel entitled.
Suzie McCarley, AVFM’s “Assistant Managing Editor,” says of the Buzzfeed article that “it will be quoted by skanks and bitches of both sexes for years to come.” She snidely writes of Serwer that “I hope the blow job his ho Katie B. owes him in exchange for his credibility, is worth it.”
Several others cleverly refer to Serwer as “Sewer.”
Very few of the commenters deal with any of Buzzfeed’s specific allegations. Instead, they resort to evasive euphemism.
AVFM’s social media director, who writes under the name Janet Bloomfield, laments what she calls “the hysterical ad hominem attacks on a man who turns out to be ….SHOCK…. human.” “I’m shocked! Who would think that an ex-wife might have shit to talk about her ex? Amazeballz!” AVFM contributor Jason Gregory writes sarcastically. “Overlord Elam is a human man?” jokes someone called ComradePrescott. “I can’t serve any master that isn’t a reptilian monster!!!!”
Others offer excuses, making clear that they would probably forgive Elam for anything short of mass murder:
In a separate post, AVFM’s Sage Gerard offers an even less coherent “rebuttal” to Buzzfeed’s post, filled with vague accusations against Buzzfeed and weirdly evasive defenses of Elam that if anything make him look worse.
Gerard declares that Buzzfeed’s
“evidence” is opinion carefully framed to manipulate, not persuade. This is David Futrelle’s style of toxic propoganda: Distort context until the target and all supporters appear inhuman.
It’s hard to tell what on earth Gerard even means by any of this, and of course he provides no examples.
He then goes on to offer this oddly backhanded defense of Elam’s terrible behavior:
In terms of his difficult decisions during his youth, Paul had to live with choices that only prove that he is human. Today, Paul faithfully operates within the boundaries of the law as an advocate.
Even more strangely, Gerard praises Elam for … not pocketing money from fundraisers intended for others.
Another money fact that keeps slipping by unreported is that Paul has allowed others to feed off his main revenue stream. Paul hosts fundraisers on this site where AVfM gains no money. I offered Paul a percentage in Zen Men’s last fundraiser, and he refused the money. He also gave Dean Esmay money for private dental work in public view. …
Between Dean and Zen Men, AVfM gave up access to over $10,000, which means Paul gave up more than AVfM itself raised in its last fundraiser. …
Greedy people out to exploit the masses don’t give away money.
Actually, lots of them do. Are you kidding?
If these are the best defenses that Elam and his allies can muster, he’s going to have a hard time rebounding from Buzzfeed’s report.
@marinerachel – In my circle of acquaintances growing up, only the parents were allowed to spank their own kids. (There might be a grandparent exception if they’re providing huge amounts of childcare, therefore helping to raise the child, but otherwise no.)
One time when my grandparents were visiting us, my grandmother yelled at me, and my mom royally took her to task for it. If she would have laid a finger on me, I’m pretty sure she would not have been allowed back at our house.
@seraph4377:
Yeah, it’s amazing how some kids manage to turn out ‘normal’ despite really bad childhoods, so “and I turned out alright” doesn’t carry much water.
Ælfscýne – That’s my thought, too.
In his mind, he’s the hero of his story, a righteous voice crying in the wilderness.
He’s a True Believer and anyone who gets in his way is an Evil Foe.
In that respect, he’s hardly unique in the public sphere (at least in US punditry and politics).
@suffrajitsu:
He clearly thinks his intended audience/money source would think less of him though.
I think he’s scum for even feeling the need to make that ‘correction’.
@wwth:
Hahaha. Yes. This morning my daughter was standing in the bathroom door with yards of toilet paper piled around her legs, we hear: “Mummy! The toilet paper did this!”.
The “arguments” from Elam and his writers in reponse to the article are ridiculously flimsy. It really is sad that people like Elam refuse to take responsiblity for their past actions.
On somewhat of a tangent: While I am all for challenging the ideas of stubborn MRAssholes, I would probably end up walking away from an argument with one in real life. For the most part, I reckon there’s no convincing them to so much as examine an alternate viewpoint.
MRAs in a nutshell:
Tina,
It was where I am from. Please understand that my husband’s family used an outhouse until he was a teen. My mother grew up using one too. My dad would hop trains as a kid to go to an orchard, sneak in and eat apples all day before he walked all the way home in the evening. It was a different time and in many places, it still is.
Corporal punishment is still the norm and most of us know that the Forsythia, beautiful as it is, is also a favorite source of switches for put upon grandmas. I never heard of time outs until I was in my teens. My youngest brother got time outs because people were just starting to try something other than spanking. Fly swatters, bread boards, brushes, etc. were used to pop kids on the butt who did not behave. In those days there were no helicopter parents, especially among the poor and working class. People worked and raised their kids the way their parents raised them. I’m not saying it’s the best thing ever, but spanking is still the norm and it sure was back when Elam was 13.
My parents, one of whom remembers getting the razor strop, would have laughed at calling getting hit with a spoon child abuse. I didn’t think of a smack on the butt as the same as a smack on the face. Not only because it does not hurt nearly as much but because I was inculturated to see it as normal, attentive parenting.
People and cultures are pretty fucked up. They do fucked up things. They believe fucked up things. It may shock you if you did not grow up that way, but it isn’t unusual and most of us do not grow up to be bigoted abusive assholes because of fucked up social norms.
This is a bit of an eye-opener, hearing how common spankings and other physical abuse of children seems to have been in the US up until very recently. I’ve had some hints of this in the past from American friends, but maybe I didn’t realize it was so widespread. In the ’90s? I grew up in the ’90s, and when I hear the word “spanking” I think 1) kink, 2) 1800s.
When one of my American friends, who’s the same age as me, told me she was both spanked and slapped by her mother when she was little, my reaction was how is your mom not in jail right now? How will I be able to talk to your parents in the future, knowing this? It’s just.. weird.
Did anyone else see the comments in the Buzzfeed article blaming Susan for Bonnie being molested as a child?
According to MRA “logic”, not only is it a woman’s fault when a man rapes her. It is her fault when a man rapes her child.
Common. We had to instruct our families that they were not to spank our kids. They think we’re weird. One great uncle did it anyway years ago. >.<
Interesting. None of my grandparents ever used physical means to discipline me. They all discouraged bad behaviour and ensured there were consequences for it if it persisted. Even though our parents hit us pretty liberally though I don’t think any of the grandparents ever would have dreamed of it. That was just a parents only tool.
When people here say they will slap the taste out of your mouth for disrespect, they mean it. Many still complain that teachers cannot spank kids anymore and blame ADD on a lack of corporal punishment in schools. Even when they took out spanking teachers were allowed to put students in stress positions and make them stay in them in front of the class when my husband was in school here. He was also locked in a closet routinely by his teachers so that he could “focus”.
It’s Lovecraftian how charming and creepy life in these parts can be.
Or…Irvin S. Cobbish. to be more specific.
Y’all, there was a man’s mummified body on display at a local mortuary where my husband grew up. They called him “Speedy”. It was considered very funny.
People are still afraid of the number 666.
There are still places in this land called Tuckasee where I would not stop for gas if I were black or openly LGBT.
Time isn’t passing the same here. Mostly because people hold on to the past so hard.
My grandma spanked me once. It was so unusual I remember it clearly. One summer my brothers and I went to her her house for a couple of weeks w/o our parents. My youngest brother and I were playing a board game behind a sofa in her sitting room, a cozy little nook. I was getting a bit sleepy, and heard her calling us, but it didn’t sound all that serious and I couldn’t be bothered. He went, and I just kind of dozed off… I guess he didn’t tell her where I was, either, because she spent the next 45 mins frantically searching the house, yard, and neighborhood for me. Finally I roused myself enough to go see what all the ruckus was about.
She was so freaked out/angry that she swatted me with a fly swatter. lol I was more mad at my brother than anything: why did he sit there like a grinning idiot and not tell her where I was?! sheesh.
My parents spanked. Not every day or anything, but if you’d committed more than a minor offense (or if you’d repeatedly been warned to knock it off with something petty like picking on a sibling but kept it up anyway) then you could pretty much count on getting the business end of a plastic clothes hanger. It gradually tapered off… I don’t remember getting spanked past the age of maybe 10 or so, though mom would threaten one sometimes for a long time after that.
I’ve spanked my own kids on occasion but mostly it’s a joke here: birthday spankings, etc, or for comic effect when my youngest is being totally contrary: “Mom, Dad, I’m hungry!” “OK, you want some scrambled eggs?” “NO!” How about a quesadilla?” “NO!” “Mashed potatoes?” “NO!” “Peas and macaroni?” “NO!” “Oooh, I know what he wants, a spanking!” “NOOOOO” “Yes, a big, hot bowl of spankings on his bottom!”
“NO!…I like mashed potatoes! hmph!”
aiiiiiii lol Overall, though, we find taking away Minecraft privileges more effective. What did people do before Minecraft?!
Before Minecraft, people played Harvest Moon. Some of us still do. 🙂
My parent’s told stories of being made to pick their own Forsythia switches. If they didn’t get one thick enough, they were sent back to get another. That added some nice psychological torment to the switching.
A friend of mine was getting in her car when she heard her neighbor tell her child to go to my friend’s yard and pick a switch from her Forsythia. Not being familiar with Forsythia switches (out of towner), she was shocked. She let loose on the neighbor and told her that she was never to beat her kids with a switch from her yard and if she did, she’d call the police.
OT, she later stole that neighbor’s dog and paid hundreds of dollars to have it vetted and sent it to a rescue. Turns out they were worse to their dogs than they were to their kids. Go figure.
I should have put trigger warnings on all of that.
Sorry.
Lea – you realize that you’re making the area where you live sound like a layer of Hell, populated entirely by evil people, yes?
I remember Harvest Moon! I used to have it for Playstation, back in like 2001-2002ish? that was a good game.
seraph,
No, no, no. The hellmouth is a few towns over.
@ceebarks
Harvest Moon started on the SNES back in 1996. I’m mostly familiar with the first game, and a 2003 GBA game called Friends of Mineral Town, which is probably why I think of it as closely related to Minecraft. That game had mining, as well as the usual farming and cattle stuff. A new game in this series was released in 2012/2103 for the 3DS, called A New Beginning. Seems like it got mixed reviews, but I bet I would still love it. 🙂 In recent years they’ve been doing a spinoff series called Rune Factory, in which you do all the usual farming and mingling with the townspeople, but you also live in a fantasy world with monsters and swords and magic. It was fun and more story driven than the main series, but pretty damn complicated and weird.
Might want to stay away from Harvest Moon DS Cute, which is a remake of an older game in the series, except you play as a girl and everything is made more “girly” and so it’s “cute”. -_-
Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.
I’m going to say this much more politely than I would if you weren’t a regular.
I am really, really disturbed by discussions where we try to decide exactly what kind of hitting your kid, and with what, counts as child abuse.
Those who were beaten as children (or who have stories about their parents and grandparents) get all…nostalgic about it. It’s fucking creepy.
Those who do it themselves always carefully define it so that whatever they’re doing – even if that’s everything short of an axe-handle – doesn’t count. Disturbing in an entirely different way.
And for the record, my brother and his wife spank their kids. They’re quite proud of it, and they do it in a way that very few in the USA would consider child abuse. The kids are well-behaved and will almost certainly turn out okay. I love my brother and I quite like my sister-in-law.
And I wish more than almost anything that I had the guts to beat him into a wheelchair with a baseball bat the next time I see him do it.
I’m in agreement with seraph.