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Paul Elam and his followers respond to Buzzfeed's devastating profile with evasion, excuses, and attacks on Elam's ex-wife.

AVFM circles the wagon.
AVFM circles the wagon.

A Voice for Men’s embattled Grand Wizard Paul Elam and his followers have responded to Buzzfeed’s devastating profile of him in some predictable ways, and in a few less predictable ones.

If you’re read the Buzzfeed piece – and if you haven’t, you really, really should – you know that it devoted a lot of time to the sad and sordid history of Elam’s three marriages and the even more sad and sordid story of the daughter he abandoned.

In a long and rambling post on Buzzfeed’s piece, Elam – all too predictably – goes after “Susan,” his first wife and the only one of his three ex-wives who was willing to talk on the record, trying his best to destroy her credibility by portraying her, essentially, as a lying slut.

Elam miraculously, and probably with considerable effort, managed to avoid the s-word – a favorite of writers on his site. But his attempts to slut-shame her are as transparent as glass.

Over the course of his post, he describes her as “very enthusiastic about sex,” “indeed very enthusiastic about sex,” and “a promiscuous wife.” He alleges that during their brief marriage “her sexual enthusiasm wasn’t limited to me,” and repeats the accusation that he leveled at her at the time – that she lied about being raped in order to cover up her own infidelity. He declares her to be a “habitual liar,” someone who “cheated and lied constantly.”

Elam also suggests that Buzzfeed paid his ex-wife and daughter to talk trash about him; and he makes several other serious allegations against his ex-wife that I won’t repeat. (EDIT: Buzzfeed’s Editorial Standards and Ethics policy forbids paying sources.]

A decade ago, you may recall from Buzzfeed’s piece, Elam reunited with the daughter he had abandoned as a baby, only to drive her away several years later after, she claims, spanking one of his grandsons for opening the refrigerator.

In his post, while referring to her as his daughter, he resurrects an old accusation, writing that “I need to point out that it has not been established that I actually have a daughter.”

Buzzfeed quotes what it says is an email Elam sent to his daughter in 2005, in which he apologized to her and to his brother. “I owe both of you a tremendous debt,” he wrote. “I just said some unflattering things involving [his ex-wife], but the more important truth here is that I failed both of you.”

In his post, though, Elam declares that “I did not, as alleged, tell Bonnie [his daughter] that I was sorry that I had failed her. I told her that I was sorry such misfortune had been her lot.”

If the email quoted by Buzzfeed is authentic, this is a blatant lie.

While the attacks on his ex (and his halfway renunciation of his daughter) are sadly predictable, Elam also resorts to a desperate if inventive diversionary tactic, suggesting that the art used to illustrate Buzzfeed’s post is somehow … anti-Semitic, reminiscent of Nazi propaganda. Uh, no. I’m pretty sure that one or both of the authors of the Buzzfeed article, Adam Serwer and Katie Baker, would have said something if this were even remotely the case; they’re both Jewish.

Judge for yourself. Here’s the picture AVFM used to illustrate Elam’s post:

One of these things is not like the other.
One of these things is not like the other.

In the comments to his post on AVFM, meanwhile, Elam’s supporters circle the wagons and lash out at pretty much anyone they can think of who’s ever said less-than-flattering things about their dear leader. They are considerably less careful with their language than Elam.

In the post’s “Featured Comment,” with close to 70 upvotes at the moment, AVFM contributor “Andybob” lashes out at Elam’s enemies:

A disgruntled ex from decades ago and a brainwashed daughter that probably isn’t his who were doubtlessly given some kind of monetary incentive to say that Paul Elam won’t be getting their votes for Man of the Year any time soon. After months of sleepless nights planning his cunning revenge, the best Serwer could come up with was to drag out this pair of bitter malcontents who were probably chomping on the bit to take a swipe a man who chose not to serve them in the ways to which they obviously feel entitled.

Suzie McCarley, AVFM’s “Assistant Managing Editor,” says of the Buzzfeed article that “it will be quoted by skanks and bitches of both sexes for years to come.” She snidely writes of Serwer that “I hope the blow job his ho Katie B. owes him in exchange for his credibility, is worth it.”

Several others cleverly refer to Serwer as “Sewer.”

Very few of the commenters deal with any of Buzzfeed’s specific allegations. Instead, they resort to evasive euphemism.

AVFM’s social media director, who writes under the name Janet Bloomfield, laments what she calls “the hysterical ad hominem attacks on a man who turns out to be ….SHOCK…. human.” “I’m shocked! Who would think that an ex-wife might have shit to talk about her ex? Amazeballz!” AVFM contributor Jason Gregory writes sarcastically. “Overlord Elam is a human man?” jokes someone called ComradePrescott. “I can’t serve any master that isn’t a reptilian monster!!!!”

Others offer excuses, making clear that they would probably forgive Elam for anything short of mass murder:

 Reason • 2 days ago  I wonder how many of us can change the names in your story and call it their own. If there is indeed an "old boys club", being used and abused by a woman for paternity is it.

 smetana • 2 days ago  Wow. Seriously, even if the claim that Paul had beaten a kid were true, why should we care? I got beaten on a regular basis as a child, and it was the same thing for most of the people my age that I knew back then (90s). If I could have traded all of that for ONE beating by Paul, then I would have done so without hesitation. The ideological desperation here is really amazing.

In a separate post, AVFM’s Sage Gerard offers an even less coherent “rebuttal” to Buzzfeed’s post, filled with vague accusations against Buzzfeed and weirdly evasive defenses of Elam that if anything make him look worse.

Gerard declares that Buzzfeed’s

“evidence” is opinion carefully framed to manipulate, not persuade. This is David Futrelle’s style of toxic propoganda: Distort context until the target and all supporters appear inhuman.

It’s hard to tell what on earth Gerard even means by any of this, and of course he provides no examples.

He then goes on to offer this oddly backhanded defense of Elam’s terrible behavior:

In terms of his difficult decisions during his youth, Paul had to live with choices that only prove that he is human. Today, Paul faithfully operates within the boundaries of the law as an advocate.

Even more strangely, Gerard praises Elam for … not pocketing money from fundraisers intended for others.

Another money fact that keeps slipping by unreported is that Paul has allowed others to feed off his main revenue stream. Paul hosts fundraisers on this site where AVfM gains no money. I offered Paul a percentage in Zen Men’s last fundraiser, and he refused the money. He also gave Dean Esmay money for private dental work in public view. …

Between Dean and Zen Men, AVfM gave up access to over $10,000, which means Paul gave up more than AVfM itself raised in its last fundraiser. …

Greedy people out to exploit the masses don’t give away money.

Actually, lots of them do. Are you kidding?

If these are the best defenses that Elam and his allies can muster, he’s going to have a hard time rebounding from Buzzfeed’s report.

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Dan Kasteray
Dan Kasteray
9 years ago

To Rael: Sorry buddy but you need to apologize. Though I see what you were trying to say about Elam. But most addicts aren’t Elam.

Now as for this whole fiasco, well let’s just say that letting the rabble savage his ex wives and daughter does little to bolster the public acceptance delusional Paulie so Craves.

Bina
Bina
9 years ago

Once an addict, always an addict.

NOPE.

If Paulie is still an addict, it’s most likely not to the substances he used to abuse, but to rage and hatred. As I’ve said on other threads, he’s got the stench of “dry drunk” about him…he may no longer be using or drinking, but he’s still unreformed. And he has substituted rage-addiction for drug addiction. That money’s obviously not going “into his arm”, but rather into his overly expensive lifestyle. Which is still heinous, considering where it’s all coming from. But no, it’s not quite the same thing as spending it all on booze and dope.

Leisha Young
Leisha Young
9 years ago

Imagine basing your entire ideology (and life), on an incident from your childhood, whereby your mother tried to stop your ass from dribbling out diarrhea?

If she had of allowed him continue with diarrhea running out of his ass he would have accused her of neglect.

He’s a classic abusive personality, as are all of the men who follow him.

deniseeliza
deniseeliza
9 years ago

I was born in 82 and I was spanked once, ever. It did nothing as I was the sort of willful kid who would stubbornly refuse to admit that it was bothering me at all. So my parent’s choices were to hit me harder, or find a different way to discipline me. They chose a different way.

Anyway, I have absolutely no problem with Paul Elam making a living off his website. Successful bloggers are allowed to blog for a living, and activists are allowed to do activism for a living. I wouldn’t call Paul an activist but he is a blogger and runs a community site and he deserves to pay himself for that if he can.

I don’t know why he’s so evasive about it though.

suffrajitsu
suffrajitsu
9 years ago

He’s evasive about it because he lies to his followers by telling them their donations are going to support Men’s Rights.

Miwanana
Miwanana
9 years ago

I came here via the buzzfeed article, and am so glad to have found you! I just finished reading the entry, and am musing on how the tactics and logic-fail used by MRAs and PUAs are nearly identical across cultures and languages. I’ve been in an online battle of sorts with Japanese neo-nazi misogynists for years, and still not recovered from the recent Julien Blanc incident, I feel I’ve found a place here where I can relax a bit. Will go on to reading comments and other entries now. Thanks!

katz
9 years ago

A lot of MRAs, Gamergaters (but I repeat myself), and fellow reactionaries seem to treat social justice language like a magic spell. It doesn’t have to make sense, you know?

Oh yeah — they love doing that! Like how they think that “slur” is just a designation you use to instantly force everyone to stop using a word you don’t like.

NintenEthan
NintenEthan
9 years ago

Hey David, isn’t that GIF from Blazing Saddles?

Ian Clark
9 years ago

Suggestion for future article (might require some extensive research, but would be well worth it): Document as many people as you can saying something to the effect of “Why would you expect someone’s ex to be a reliable source on them?” then see how many of the exact same people you can find taking Zoe Quinn’s ex’s word as gospel.

weirwoodtreehugger
9 years ago

Hello, Miwanana!

Click on the scented candle on the right side of the screen for the official welcome package.

alaisvex
alaisvex
9 years ago

So, now the website is A Voice for Men Who Support Hitting Boys. Much men’s rights.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
9 years ago

Ah but it was a man who hit the boy. Not only is there no woman to blame, but AVFM can’t even twist it to how it’s the woman’s fault for bringing her son around a violent man, not when that man is the almighty Elam.

Thebarton Gamer
9 years ago

Wow. That’s some weapons grade projection from AVfM & Co. They should give up this MRA bullshit and start a cineplex.

Orion
Orion
9 years ago

Those comments about the ways reactionaries use the language of social justice is just reading my mind right now. They do treat it like some magic spell or some word they can just twist like it has no meaning (which to them it doesn’t have any meaning besides “shut up”).

You see MRA’s like Elam try to pull this all the time, crying “oppression”, “sexism” or whatever else when all that’s happened is their feelings got hurt or they pretend they’re hurt so they can “play the X card”.

Because that’s what they honestly believe feminists, anti-racists etc are doing, just playing a card to win an argument, when they are actually talking about real, actual issues that surround language and culture that hurts those outside the dominant circle.

lith
lith
9 years ago

The bit about changing the name in the article and it being about any of them, or “who here hasn’t done that?” – that says a whole heck of a lot about the people involved, assuming that guy is as representative as he claims.
Hey, dude, that’s not normal or desirable, mainly in the making excuses for bad behaviour/abandoning your responsibilities arena. Divorce/separation happens, but lots of guys still manage to support their children after it rather than find excuses for why they should walk away.

sn0rkmaiden
9 years ago

They really do remind me of a cult. The more evidence is presented to them that their leader is a charlatan the more they rally round him.

@Weirdwoodtreehugger, I find your reference to George W Bush interesting, he’s been tagged as a narcissist before now. Remember this famous flubbing:

He just couldn’t utter words which put him at fault, even hypothetically.

dudeinthewoods
dudeinthewoods
9 years ago

I spent two years as a morphine addict and another two as an alcoholic thanks to the Army and PTSD. Been sober since Jan 05.

So yeah, fuck you. I get enough of that from my in-laws.

Ælfscýne
Ælfscýne
9 years ago

Elam’s response is pretty telling. Regardless of what really happened it shows how HE interprets past events (whether it is his ignorance, him lying to himself or perhaps (partial) truth). And everything he is fighting for/against is there: a father listening to the mother instead of the son; a rape claim he believes is false; a woman he believes cheated on him; his children he believes aren’t his; a daughter taken away by the mother and then being abused by another man (with Elam blaming the mother); drug abuse; money claims. It’s all there. It’s his MRA fight in a nutshell. He’s not a random idiot, he is actually projecting his own experience to society in general. All women do what he believes his ex and mom did. All men suffer as he believes he did. In his mind HE is the ultimative victim, something he claims it’s a woman’s card. It makes sense now why he so stubbornly refuses to be objective. People like that are extremely dangerous as leaders because they cannot see anything as it actually is.

On a separate note: I was born in 1982 and hitting children was far from the norm when I was growing up. It wasn’t as severely sanctioned as it is today but it was not considered “normal” at all.

RaikonL
RaikonL
9 years ago

Those guys are so far into this AVfM nonsense that regardless of how the reality looks like, they will still be entitled to being right. That’s what being a garbage human is all about.

Kootiepatra
9 years ago

The man really has no idea how to stop digging, does he?

I’ll grant that in (my part of) Texas in the 90’s, spanking was a fairly common thing. I was spanked as a child, and so were lots of my friends. BUT. Every family I had contact with regarded spankings as a last resort, only to be used if the child had been warned, only for serious, willful misbehavior, and never, ever, ever to be used in the heat of the moment, and never, ever, ever on someone else’s kid.

In other words, even the pro-spanking parents I knew in the 90’s would have taken major issue with what Elam did. Believing in corporal punishment is no excuse for that one.

“I’m sorry for your misfortune” – Uh, right. Even if he suspected that she wasn’t biologically his, if he regarded her mother to be a duplicitous, unreliable person, he could have fought for custody in order to remove her from an unsafe situation. The fact that he didn’t was entirely in his control. Of course it’s obviously for the best that he didn’t, but he doesn’t get to pretend like none of this is even a little bit his fault. He’d only bother with the girl if he was legally dragged into it, if she was proven to be a product of his own liquid gold, and so he took great pains to evade it. Not the marks of a good man—certainly not one who exuded even an ounce of effort to help a small child avoid misfortune.

marinerachel
marinerachel
9 years ago

Is it common, within families, to hit grandchildren too? Or do you leave that to their parents?

chthonicgames
chthonicgames
9 years ago

With respect to the steaming pile that Rael left here:

It’s interesting that a terse comment with a disgusting sentiment was left by a screenname who doesn’t appear to have commented on WHTM before*, isn’t it?

(*As determined by my highly scientific approach of searching the first page of comments on earlier articles until I got bored.)

Tina S
Tina S
9 years ago

I was born in ’68, grew up in the ’70`s and ’80`s. I was not spanked or beaten. I got time outs. No, spanking and beating is not the norm.

gilshalos
9 years ago

I was born in 1971, and never got spanked. My father withdrew emotionally, and that hurt a lot more than spanking would have.

proxieme
proxieme
9 years ago

Ah but it was a man who hit the boy. Not only is there no woman to blame, but AVFM can’t even twist it to how it’s the woman’s fault for bringing her son around a violent man, not when that man is the almighty Elam.

Except Elam’s Mom.
She’s apparently to blame for his Dad hitting him.