An open thread for personal stuff.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no MRAs, no I’m-not-really-an-MRA-buts, no being jerky.
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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: February 2015 Cat Wearing Box in a Sink Edition
The last few months have been every imaginable kind of awful for me.
I lost two jobs, three in the last year, and have been evicted from two places because one roommate was emotionally abusive and awful and the other decided I had a voodoo curse on me and Jesus didn’t want me in her home; my current landlord recently fell off the wagon and gets screaming scary drunk every night and spends all his money on beer and weed so that despite paying my rent on time the utilities keep getting shut off. The man I was in love with and wanted to spend the rest of my life with broke up with me because I have too many problems and it’s inconvenient – clearly he is not the man I thought he was, and that hurts. My move is falling through and I don’t know where I’m going to go.
Today I found out that my biological father, who I only recently reconnected with, committed suicide. He wanted so badly to be close to me, but I’m not good at letting people in, and when I get overwhelmed emotionally I just shut down and don’t answer, so we hadn’t talked much. I thought I had time. I feel like it’s my fault.
I don’t know how to deal with this.
Whoa, that’s horrible, MouseFarts. I don’t even.
I’m so sorry you’re going through a tough time Mouse Farts. Take all the hugs you want and need.
Your father’s suicide was absolutely not your fault.
@ MouseFarts
Oh no! Did your GoFundMe not get enough money for the move? That sucks. Especially since it sounds like it would have helped a lot with getting away from the parade of awful people you’ve had to live with.
And I’m sorry about your father. It can be hard loosing someone like that. Seconding WWTH, it absolutely was not your fault. I’m kinda the same way with shutting down emotionally to protect myself when things get hard. Don’t feel bad for doing the things you need to do to survive.
Mouse Farts, it sounds like you are having a really, really awful time. I’m so sorry.
Urgh, I hear ya, Mousefarts. I’m in a somewhat similar situation. (And I don’t really want to discuss it publicly till I’m out of this state.) Hang in there! You can make it!
Me, I am immensely looking forward to getting back to Massachusetts, despite the cost. Hopefully the writeathon helps me cover a chunk of the move.
That sounds aweful. I really hope things improve for you, Mouse Farts. Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault.
Same for LBT, and I hope your writeathon goes well.
Hugs if you want them.
Thanks, guys. I just – I just don’t know how to begin to process this. I don’t even believe in voodoo or whatever, but that first abusive roommate did and often threatened me with curses and shit, and in my darkest moments part of me…wonders. It’s been one thing after another lately. I don’t believe another person has power over me like that, but I guess sometimes it’s tempting to try to attribute a really hard time to something that’s at least consistent instead of life falling apart all at once for no reason.
Some people were incredibly, mind bogglingly generous on my gofundme, and I absolutely don’t want to diminish that – it was humbling and I’m so grateful! But I’m short on my goal and it isn’t the responsibility of others to support me, you know? I can’t ask for any more. In any case, the friend I was going to stay with kind of got….weirdly judgmental about some of my life choices (I want to legally change my name, and she felt that it’s weird and disturbing? I’m not sure honestly) and after everything else, I’m not willing to go up there with a red flag like that. I have a job I’m excited about, but it doesn’t start until the 16th (and it’s work at home, so I can still move just about anywhere) so until then I have too much time on my hands and too much grief.
I have time to find somewhere else, anywhere else, and I can start over. But today is a hard day, and I kind of feel like something in the universe is out to get me. Which is utterly ridiculous, because I have so many wonderful things going for me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
Ugh, I know that feeling, MouseFarts. Sometimes, shit just happens. Just keep trucking. And as for curses, I don’t believe in them myself. The whole curse thing was to control your behavior and make you feel bad. She’s out of your life now, and praise be for that! You’re making a good decision, not to move in with someone with those kinda red flags.
(I really hope my next roommate is better. I know I keep ending up in these situations because I end up making decisions out of desperation, but I can never seem to get far enough out of deep water to STOP making decisions out of desperation. Housing why you so hard.)
Mousefarts,
Hang in there. You can do this. I’m so sorry you’re going through all that stuff, and it sounds truly awful. It’s okay to feel bad, because there’s some bad stuff going on from the sound of it.
People who say you have to feel grateful or happy all the time are lying sacks of camel gas. It’s okay to feel sad, upset, and all that jazz. It’s okay to feel meh. It’s okay to feel like a sack of potatoes.
Just hang in there, though.
Your biodad’s problems were not your fault. Your roommates being problematical and awful was not your fault.
You can do this.
I’m glad you’ve got the job that you’ll get to start in 2 weeks! YES! Being employed, even in a job that’s kind of mediocre, can be really, really nice. At the very least, it helps give you some stability, income wise.
I’m sending more hugs your direction; I know they’re not as good as real hugs from a supportive person in your area…
… but I’m rooting for you.
@WWTH
I love your grandma, now. I’m glad it’s kind of sort of working out, and that the kitties can stay with you. Good luck hunting for new digs!
@MarineRachel!
Daaaaaw! Yay for orca babies. Hope they do well, because they’re the cutest and their species is one of the coolest.
@Everyone else:
Good luck with the various things you’ve all got going on.
@MouseFarts – This is going to sound weird, but I have a friend who practices an Afro-Carribean type of religion that’s in the same family as voodoo. If you want, I can ask if there’s something you can do to counter any bad vibes that might be out there. I’m equally agnostic about all pretty much all of the religions I’ve come across, but I’ll admit that I do occasionally do stuff the zie recommends just because it feels empowering to take some sort of action when it feels like the deck is stacked against you and you’re helpless.
I’ll also second what contrapangloss said above about allowing yourself to feel bad. Your feelings are yours, and they’re valid. That’s a whole lot of awful that’s dropped on your in a short amount of time. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.
And I join you in the puzzlement over the friend is bent out of shape about your name change. A friend of mine, someone I’ve know since childhood, is thinking of doing the same thing because zir birth name just isn’t right anymore.. And Mr. FM changed his when he got his citizenship. Your name is given to you, whoever chooses it doesn’t necessarily know what will suit you or who you will become. Why shouldn’t you change it if what you have isn’t working?
People can get downright WEIRD about names, Flying Mouse. I always figure because it’s so heavily associated with the family, so people act like changing your name is disavowing your family or something.
@contrapangloss – thank you. I need those hugs. I feel very alone right now.
@Flying Mouse, I’m not sure honestly. I mean on the one hand, it can’t hurt to try to counteract it a little, right? And I absolutely know that this woman not only tried to curse me, but paid others to do so – I still talk to her daughter, and apparently she’d skimp on bills and food for her kids to pay for curses because she needs to believe that if she just gets rid of whatever person is her archenemy today, everything in her life will quit sucking. She’s a very unhappy person and she does not live in the same reality as the rest of us. On the other hand, I kind of feel like if I acknowledge her efforts, it somehow gives them power, you know? Like if I ignore it utterly that limits how effective it can be or something. I don’t know. My thoughts on the whole thing are a mess.
@LBT – Hilariously, disavowing my family is exactly what I’m doing. My parents (specifically my mother) are abusive, and about ten years ago I took a hard look at myself and realized that I just did not like me. I was echoing my mother in ways that disturbed me, while taking no responsibility for my life or decisions, and just generally being an appalling person. It didn’t matter if it was my fault; it was up to me to change it. So I sat down with a notebook and described the person I wanted to be. I gave that person my middle name and set out to be her. I asked everyone to call me by that name (pretend it’s Mouse) so that every time I corrected someone, it was a little reminder to myself to be vigilant.
I’ve finally reached a point where, despite all the hardships, I feel like I am the person I wanted to be. I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I like me.
So I’m ready to change my name legally. I’ve been ready a while. I don’t want to use my legal first name at all; I don’t like it and to me it represents the past. I chose a middle name that has meaning for me (Grace, if it matters, because I want to strive to be gracious), and since my parents are indeed awful, I decided to use my grandparents’ surname – we’re very close.
My friend is totes cool with disavowing my family, and thinks it would be fine to change just my first name, but kind of went off on me for wanting to change all of it. She said it was really weird and disturbing and it made her not want me to stay with her as much. She’s got it in her head that I’m changing it because my ex dumped me, even though I’ve had this name picked out for a while, and says that I believe changing my name will change me, and that’s disturbing. I dunno, I think she’s being pretty harsh and judgy and also wrong, but I’m glad I heard this before I went up there.
RE: MouseFarts
Wow, eesh. She sounds like a really negative person, goddamn.
But it does seem to be bothering you, even if you’re trying to shove past it, you know?
@ MouseFarts
There’s a bunch of witches/Wiccans here at WHTM who can give you some small spells/rituals to help you feel better about it if you’re comfortable. Odds are, this person has no power over you, but doing something like a ‘curse catching jar’ might just help you push it out of your mind and let you focus on you more. You want some suggestions?
Let’s see if I do this link correctly: https://www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/2015/02/18/pat-robertson-warns-women-if-you-put-ultrasound-pics-on-facebook-witches-may-curse-your-unborn-child/comment-page-2/#comment-717696
Here’s some suggestions to help with stopping toxic people and/or curses courtesy of ParadoxicalIntention. You can modify it slightly to fit your situation.
@MouseFarts – I totally understand. And I don’t think your thoughts on the matter are a mess – or if they are, then I’m a mess too, because they’re pretty close to mine. I’m just a fidgety person and sometimes my need to do something overrides my skepticism.
And I’m really sorry that your friend turned on you over the name change. It sucks when people you trusted just yank the rug out like that.
@LBT – Yeah, I can see that. I was mostly surprised that someone who was supposed to be a supportive friend would act that way.
There’s a campaign to get a woman on the US $20! Super cool!
Vote for 3 candidates in the primary round!!!
http://www.womenon20s.org/primaries
Hugs, MouseFarts, if you want them.
I, personally, think it’s just fine to take a few days to be alone with your grief. You’ve had a lot of garbage piled on your door step, by the sounds of it, and sometimes we all need a little time to process that kind of thing.
It’s a very good thing that you aren’t moving in with that friend, after all. Holy red flags galore, Batman!
As for feeling like the universe is out to get you, well, it probably is. But then, I think it’s out to get everyone. That’s why people should support each other when ever possible.
As for the voodoo curse thing, I know nothing about that, but I’m a Buddhist, and I could hang a prayer flag for you and dedicate a chant to you, if you would like. I always figure positive thoughts can’t hurt! (but I won’t do either, of course, if you aren’t cool with me doing so).
I am so glad I managed to get out of rented housing.
My aunt died and left her estate to me and my father, and since he was well off, the money was dedicated to getting me a place of my own.
I was happy, my family was happy, my doctor and psychiatric social worker were happy….the benefits people decided I was commiting wastage (Spending money so you are still entitled to benefits).
They cut off my money,for a year until my appeal was heard.
Thankfully, the appeal supported me and they had to backpay me.
@grumpyoldnurse
I would really like that. I never turn down good thoughts, and I like the idea of a chant for me. If you really don’t mind, that’d be awesome. 🙂
That sounds pretty awesome, gilshalos. I’m a little jealous.
Also, that same night, my grandmother (who meant well, I know she did, but she does not understand) gave my mother my phone number. My mother didn’t have my phone number for a very good reason – a lot of very good reasons, actually, but primarily because I did not want her to have it. She texted me the night before last, and she wasn’t awful (though she insisted on calling me by my first name, even though I changed it ten fucking years ago, don’t tell me you fucking forgot) but I don’t think there was a single thing she could have said that would have made up for seeing her words on my cell phone. There are times I could have handled this, but right now is not one of them.
Yeah for gilshalos!
Boo for MouseFarts’ mother!
Seconding the yay for gilshalos and the boo for MouseFarts’…everyone. Sorry for your troubles, MF.
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