If you’re a regular, or semi-regular, or even just an occasional reader of this blog, you need to stop reading this post right now and read Buzzfeed’s astonishing expose of A Voice for Men’s Paul Elam instead.
SPOILER ALERT: He’s an even bigger hypocrite than you think he is.
Here’s the link. Right here. Click on it now. Click. Now. Click.
If you need a bit more convincing: Buzzfeed’s long and meticulous examination of alleged “men’s human rights” activist Elam, written by Adam Serwer and Katie Baker, delves deep into Paul’s often sordid personal history, including his drug use, his numerous failed marriages, and the alternately depressing and infuriating story of the daughter he abandoned, who forgave and reunited with him as an adult, and who is now estranged from him again.
As Serwer and Baker make clear, the story of Elam’s life makes many of his most fervent claims about alleged female irresponsibility and the evils of the family court system seem a tad, well, ironic. As the two note, Elam.
preaches the gospel that men’s failures and disappointments are not due to personal shortcomings or lapsed responsibility, but rather institutionalized feminism and a family court system rigged against dutiful fathers, as well as a world gripped by “misandry,” or the hatred of men.
But his own story, to put it as gently as possible, does not exactly support this particular narrative. Serwer and Baker note that
interviews with Elam’s ex-wives and daughter and newly uncovered court records shed light on a man who, they told BuzzFeed News, has depended on and emotionally abused the women in his own life.
For example, although Elam compares the family court system’s treatment of fathers to Jim Crow, he abandoned his biological children not once but twice. Although Elam says that “fathers are forced to pay child support like it was mafia protection money,” he accused his first wife of lying about being raped so he could relinquish his parental rights and avoid paying child support.
His ex-wife [Susan] and his daughter said he has only been able to make A Voice for Men his full-time job because of the women who have supported him throughout his life. …
“He sits there taking all these people’s money and all he’s doing is sucking them dry,” said Susan. “That’s what he’s done all his life — to say it’s the woman’s fault, and not make men look at their own mistakes.”
Seriously, go read it. Here’s the link again.
We’ll talk more when you’re done.
Oh, I’m sure his mom tried to make him take his medicine, and he refused (because having the shits is so very brave and rebellious; why, I had the trots myself only last night!). The part about being held down by his sibs and beaten with a spoon is what I have trouble believing. I guess if she were really sadistic, she could always just shrug and say “All right, suit yourself…and don’t come running to me when it starts trickling down your leg!”
As someone who was raised in the authoritarian 60s and 70s, I get, and have always gotten, what probably spawned someone with Elam’s mind-set. He is frighteningly similar to my vicious, cruel, and abusive father, who was also abused by his parents. Most kids back then came from authoritarian households, it was only a matter of degree. The medicine-taking story, true or not, is pretty darn tame considering most of what passed for normal back then; however, I have no doubt in my mind he suffered from abuse. I am not one who believes that people like him are born the way they are. Those who have suffered abuse know that it changes who you are.
What I don’t get, and will never get, or condone, is how people who have their particular mind-set think that their toxic, hyper-linear, primitive, scorched-earth (did I leave an adjective out? 😉 ) punishment is rational. Most people who are abused work toward not becoming an asshole despite their past and want better for their own children. The lying and manipulation that these people practice, along with egging people on to do potential violence is criminal and needs to be called out by any means necessary. The only way their behavior is controlled is by shining the proverbial light on it, in which they scurry like the rodents they are. I know. It’s unfair to rodents, but still applicable. It is obvious that Elam has spent his life using people and screwing them over, so no, no sympathy from me, and his hypocritical running from responsibility is laughable.
I think the piece by Buzzfeed is wonderful. There needs to be more like it. These creeps ARE the minority and need to be kept there. Also, David has always done a wonderful job in giving us a heads-up on potential triggers and such. It’s been my opinion, and I believe I have said as much before, that some people need to practice better self-care and refrain from or stop reading things that could be upsetting. If there is anything uncomfortable to me, it’s the idea that we’re all supposed to be in lock-step thinking patterns.
And “Bonnie”, if you happen to be reading this, I’ve lived this all before. Do yourself and your children a favor and permanently close the door to further contact. We all want a father, I did too when mine abandoned us when my mother divorced him, but these men are deeply damaged and not capable of giving us what we need. Please take whatever precautions necessary to stay safe.
Oh, and sorry for the teal deer; I tried to be brief.
@tealily
Elam reminds me a lot of my own biological father as well. Maybe that’s why I felt so terribly uncomfortable while reading the article.
In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if my father was an MRA.
Even in the “response” he published, he sounded just like my father would.
The absolute denial of everything, even the “revision” of all the things that happened, not apologizing for anything, attempting to make it seem like Susan and Bonnie are the ones with a problem, blaming half of the world, ugh…
So disgusting.
“In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if my father was an MRA.”
I’d second that, but my thankfully my father can’t manage to check his email half the time without magically forgetting how to do something and demanding assistance. Aka attention. Because my mother has longed joked about having three kids, but now the two she did have are 25+ (fuck, I’ll be 30 this year) and the one she married is still acting like he’s 12.
“Most people who are abused work toward not becoming an asshole despite their past and want better for their own children.”
Yeeeeep. If I have kids his behavior will be a lesson in what not to do.
As for getting a belligerent teenager to take his meds… a good old “fuck it, you want to be like that? Fine, but you’re doing your own laundry when you shit yourself” seems like it might’ve been in order. But I’m used to dealing with little kids, pets, and non-belligerent teens (holy shit my cousins’ kids are all teens now… I’m gonna go feel old)
re: the medicine incident:
Given the time, IF it happened at all, I’m willing to bet that it went down like this:
He started throwing a completely age-inappropriate fit (especially given his size) and became physically violent / thrashed and hit.
His Mom, not knowing what else to do but knowing that he he needed to take these meds, had his siblings help.
she may have smacked his hands with a spoon when he hit her or the siblings.
When his father learned that he hit his mother, his father did what fathers back then did (belted him for hitting a woman generally, his wife and the mother of his children more specifically – even if *he* was an abusive sot, he probably would have held to that standard).
I’m not saying that if was right, especially by today’s standards, but it probably (at worst) was pretty standard fare for the day (especially considering Elam’s previous glowing recounting of his parents).
Why was Elam in the army for such a short time?
Elam was in the army? I thought his father was the military man.
I really am interested in what led up to the medicine story; it clearly doesn’t start there. Why didn’t he want to take his medicine?
My money is on pure contrarianism.
“I’m highly suspicious of that “wouldn’t let him” bit. He’s a grown man, he can damn well take a test if he wants. But he didn’t want to, and that speaks volumes.
That isn’t quite what be said. His exact quote is: “I became very suspicious about paternity issues as the grief of the breakup cleared the denial I had about her character, and I requested paternity testing, which she refused to give.”
She, according to him, refused to let the daughter be tested.
weirwoodtreehugger:
Perhaps you might want to go back and actually read what I’ve said? You might actually get where I stand by doing that.
Anyways, nothing gets my hackles up like being accused of posting in bad faith, so I hope you understand why I’m not feeling too well-inclined towards either of you at the moment.
I believe that if a father wants a paternity test, he can request that the court order one. It’s not up to the mother alone. If he didn’t pursue all legal avenues, I don’t have any sympathy.
Agreed, big time. It’s not a ‘turnabout is fair play’ thing. This was better journalism than I actually expected from Buzzfeed.
I’m not at all surprised by any of it. But the part about he and his daughter reuniting – I reunited with my father in my early 20’s, and he too cried like a baby. He’d done a lot of personal work (therapy, etc) and acknowledged that he’d been a terrible father to me growing up. We then began building a relationship, and it was evident he had changed; now, we’re really close. Was hanging out with him today actually.
He never, ever tried to get out of paying child support for me. He never ran away from me either – our estrangement was MY choice, and he respected it. Our reunion was also my choice, and he tells me all the time how happy he is that I was brave enough to make that call (his words) and how much he loves me. This is the man who terrified me from age 5 through 14.
Elam had a chance to build a relationship with his adult daughter and he blew it. People, no matter how damaged or angry or hurt or whatever, can change and grow. My dad worked hard to do that. Elam just stayed the same old asshole. Even when his daughter was back in his life, he was thinking only of himself and from his own perspective – no self-examination going on at all. Women are to blame for everything? Sounds like the women in his life gave him plenty of chances, and he blew them all (and/or perhaps didn’t care, or is incapable of caring – who knows). Can’t feel an ounce of pity, or empathy, or care for him whatsoever. Just disgust.
Why would she not let the daughter be tested? If she’s trying to get him to pay up, and she knows he’s the father, it would only bolster her case. It makes no sense that she would pass up that avenue of inquiry…but it certainly makes sense that he, the deadbeat, would refuse to provide a sample of his own.
Salty,
You could have clarified what you meant instead of going straight for hostility. Don’t assume that people can read your mind and know your intent. Hell, I’ve been posting regularly for a year and I just had to clarify what I meant in a previous post. I’m just letting you know, defensiveness tends not to go over well.
Also about paternity: He was going to do the test with his adult daughter too, but he decided not to. And isn’t he now in his response denying that she’s his kid again? Sounds to me like he wants to use the paternity test as a threat, but doesn’t actually want to get it because then he’d have to live with the consequences.
@Argenti Aertheri
From his bio on AVFM, linked in the Buzzfeed article:
Per the Buzzfeed article, he was out before he was 21, but the Army doesn’t just let you go that easily. At least, it doesn’t now. I don’t know about back in the late 70’s, but I doubt it was more lenient. So what went down?
I suspect that “I wanted to get a paternity test by my ex-wife denied me” is Elamese for “My wife didn’t track me down and literally force me to have a DNA test and I couldn’t be bothered to give a single shit about my children, so the paternity test never happened”
I think you can fail out of bootcamp, and you get a weird sort of “you never enlisted in the first place” discharge if you’re suicidal (or maybe it’s if your mental health isn’t up to par), so if he volunteered, and wanted to get out, via ANY means, he probably could’ve lied his way out.
Where’s pecunium when you need army related answers?! Oh right, working retail, because “sure I have a military pension but I like my job… usually” (that little topic is of far more serious grumbling than his hatred of mangos!) I’ll try dragging his ass back here eventually.
I think if you’re a big enough fuck-up and cause the US military enough trouble they’ll boot you out. You’ll get either a dishonorable or less than honorable discharge, though.
Was Elam in early enough to have been drafted?
I ask if he was in that early because a lot of the military’s rules and standards changed when it became all volunteer. For one, it became more difficult to get soldiers.
I question whether they really let people out just for mental health, unless it’s very severe. From what I’ve heard, they really don’t/can’t do enough for the soldiers who are already suffering.
Anyone actually been in the military here?
Back then:
(1) He may have claimed that he was gay.
(2) He may have been injured, likely in training.
(3) He may have consistently pissed people off enough to get a dishonorable discharge. If this is the case, it may go some way towards explaining his spotty employment.
Mrex sez:
Yeah, I’m guessing they booted him. Maybe for alcoholism and drug abuse.
Nope. Conscription ended in 1972 when Elam would have been 15. He was born in 1957 and the last men drafted were born in 1953.
The sad thing is that it’s pretty terrible how hard it can be to get out of military service even for enlisted people in peacetime. Whatever really happened to Elam, it would probably make a reasonable foundation for addressing a problem that actually hurts men. Yet, instead of using his experience that way, he’s turned it into a another story about what a rebel he is.
To my knowledge, it would have been difficult to impossible to get a straight-up mental health discharge back when he was in.
It’s more likely that a soldier would end up with a dishonorable discharge due to misconduct with mental health issues as the unnamed cause.
I may be mistaken, however.