If you’re a regular, or semi-regular, or even just an occasional reader of this blog, you need to stop reading this post right now and read Buzzfeed’s astonishing expose of A Voice for Men’s Paul Elam instead.
SPOILER ALERT: He’s an even bigger hypocrite than you think he is.
Here’s the link. Right here. Click on it now. Click. Now. Click.
If you need a bit more convincing: Buzzfeed’s long and meticulous examination of alleged “men’s human rights” activist Elam, written by Adam Serwer and Katie Baker, delves deep into Paul’s often sordid personal history, including his drug use, his numerous failed marriages, and the alternately depressing and infuriating story of the daughter he abandoned, who forgave and reunited with him as an adult, and who is now estranged from him again.
As Serwer and Baker make clear, the story of Elam’s life makes many of his most fervent claims about alleged female irresponsibility and the evils of the family court system seem a tad, well, ironic. As the two note, Elam.
preaches the gospel that men’s failures and disappointments are not due to personal shortcomings or lapsed responsibility, but rather institutionalized feminism and a family court system rigged against dutiful fathers, as well as a world gripped by “misandry,” or the hatred of men.
But his own story, to put it as gently as possible, does not exactly support this particular narrative. Serwer and Baker note that
interviews with Elam’s ex-wives and daughter and newly uncovered court records shed light on a man who, they told BuzzFeed News, has depended on and emotionally abused the women in his own life.
For example, although Elam compares the family court system’s treatment of fathers to Jim Crow, he abandoned his biological children not once but twice. Although Elam says that “fathers are forced to pay child support like it was mafia protection money,” he accused his first wife of lying about being raped so he could relinquish his parental rights and avoid paying child support.
His ex-wife [Susan] and his daughter said he has only been able to make A Voice for Men his full-time job because of the women who have supported him throughout his life. …
“He sits there taking all these people’s money and all he’s doing is sucking them dry,” said Susan. “That’s what he’s done all his life — to say it’s the woman’s fault, and not make men look at their own mistakes.”
Seriously, go read it. Here’s the link again.
We’ll talk more when you’re done.
So here is a man who’s built something of an Internet empire for himself – a moneymaking empire – predicated on the claims that women routinely make false accusations of rape against men and routinely commit paternity fraud and that the family court system is prejudiced against men. And this person accused his ex-wife of lying about being raped, claimed his children weren’t his, and didn’t contest custody or visitation – so that he could avoid paying child support. And this person is now making money off of writing about rape, divorce, the family courts and child support. Writing that essentially blames women for everything and paints women, as a class, as a whole, as stupid, lying, conniving, money-grubbing wh*res who take pleasure in destroying men. Writing that paints all of society as bending over backwards to assist women in destroying men.
I feel very frightened for his ex-wife and daughter. I have a feeling they are in for a major shitstorm.
And I see our trolly friend spurricane has abandoned the previous thread after the conversation wasn’t going zir way.
I’m completely unsurprised about any of this.
It is often used as a simple image, no insult implied. According to the more toxic aspects of traditional masculinity, crying is shameful–but not everyone buys into that.
I think the story of his mom hitting him with a spoon is consistent with her being a 60s housewife, though. If he was born in ’55, the episode with the diarrhea medicine would have been sometime in the late 60s. I don’t know if that changes things: would anyone outside the family have been able to help the family get meds into a physically strong and clearly very resistant teen? Would they have been afraid getting outside help would mean having him involuntarily committed?
In general, I’d agree. But as you said, not all wooden spoonings are alike. If the slap didn’t leave any tymark or a bruise, it prolly wasn’t a very hard hit.
‘Still doesn’t explain things such as “crying like a baby”, which quite frankly come across as shaming.’
I completely disagree–that was one of the few things in the article that showed the compassionate and human side of Paul Elam. He was ‘crying like a baby’ because he was reunited with his daughter. I found that very moving, and really felt for him when reading about that incident.
@Mrex:
Let’s not make this a full conversation, but there are many ways to hit without leaving a bruise. Abusive parents and spouses sometimes even talk about ways to do so. We don’t need to get hung up on this one detail because whether it was actual abuse or not doesn’t detract from the main point of piece.
Seconding Kirbywarp. There are a lot of ways to be abusive without leaving marks.
Can we stick to the main bit of Elam being a fraud?
oh how marvellous that elam is a deadbeat dad who would rather spend all his money on drugs than support his fucking children
Loving this from the comments:
“[W]hat kind of person looks back on an incident in their childhood when they refused to take diarrhea medication and says, “Yes, that was rational and sensible, I should use it as inspiration for my everyday life”?”
QFT.
And I’m also worried for Bonnie and Susan. Elam’s doxxed many women before, and if his followers decide to call for their doxxing, I’m not sure that Elam won’t do it.
However, I’d be surprised if some of his devoted followers jump ship because of this.
Guh, my thumb slipped and hit post by accident.
*any type of mark and bruise
I was spanked with wooden spoons, rulers across the knuckles, shoe horns, switches, etc. I don’t think it was the best form of discipline, but I wasn’t abused. Getting hit with an small object like a spoon doesn’t necessarily hurt more than getting hit with a hand. Depends on how hard and where you’re being hit.
I don’t think that crying in men is automatically shameful, but telling someone that they’re doing anything “like a baby” is generally an insult. The dictionary definition of “crying like a baby” is “To bawl unabashedly and pitifully.” As I said, perhaps it’s just me, but I would take being told that I was “bawling pitifully” as an insult even though as a girl I have more “leeway” to openly cry.
But maybe it’s just me. Seems many other disagree, so maybe I’m wrong.
*reads the ninjas*
Kirbeywarp, good point about the bruises. You’re right.
Has anyone ever seen an account from A voice from men, documenting their income and spendings???
Could be interesting…
A racist misogynist eschews his personal responsibility to his biological children, assaults his grandchild, lives off of other people’s money and charity without really having any other job, career, or source of outside income (besides appealing to bigots), denies the rape and abuse happening to his “loved” ones …
… and blames men’s “problems” on women. This man can claim to fight for human rights with a straight face? Hint, Paul: feminists are actually doing that work and have been doing it since before you were born.
But look who I’m talking to. Work’s been kryptonite for Paul Elam his entire life.
I have legitimate sympathy for Elam, if for no other reason than he’s a human being. I have no doubt that he has trauma in his past. Very few people wake up and say: “I’m going to be a raging, evil asshole today.” Elam, like most of his flock, is just misguided, bitter about any number of things, and chose the path of rage rather than empathy. Sadly, many people make this choice. This doesn’t justify his behavior, of course, and he deserves to have his madness called out and punished where appropriate. But I can’t HATE him, really. Hate is his racket, not mine.
It’s the worst part of this whole scene, really. This would be easier if all MRAs were mustache-twirling madmen who were ‘evil’ from birth. But I suspect that a majority of them are just misguided shut-ins who were bitter about one thing or another – state of their life, bleak future, or most likely, a broken heart or scorned affection – and they took the wrong turn at Google and ended up in some venomous echo chamber which warped their brain. Instead of putting in the hard mental and physical work needed to change their fortunes, they landed on some evil, hateful philosophy which tells them who the REAL problem is. No need to even leave their computers – they can be digital avengers for the cause!
It’s all very sad.
Phew. I was afraid of a GIF assault and not a well thought out piece.
Oh that Mom had just let him shit his pants.
@jimmy – no, because then it would’ve been my mom let me shit my pants instead of giving me the medicine I needed.
Not so shockingly, the comments are rife with the worst people. WTF MRA goon squad.
Annie Squidface – there’s an interesting divide between the NORPs* commenting, because it was on Buzzfeed, and the MRAs commenting, because it was about Elam. The latter group sometimes seems disconcerted to hear from non-Orcs, the former are appalled to hear from the MRAs. A clash of cultures, if you will.
*Acronym for ‘normal, ordinary responsible person’. A/k/a, the way most people are when not online.
@Robert, hey hey hey now, let’s not go around comparing MRAs to orcs! *points at username*
#NotAllOrcs
Aw, shucky darnz…
As for you, young man:
I have no use for Buckley, either. His cough syrup is gross.
Also, who the hell are you to talk about what’s “noble” when your idiotess (and yes, she WAS one) was a vile-tempered spoiled brat who idolized a rapey, dismembering serial killer (who “died yellow”, thus putting an inconvenient crimp in her cutesy theory about his “freedom”), and was addicted to Dexedrine (how else do you think she sustained the energy for her interminable quasi-literary tantrums?) and ended up going on the dole because, strangely, lengthy tomes on Personal Responsibility™ don’t pay the medical bills for a chronic smoker dying of lung cancer?
It’s so funny to hear all you “individualists” babbling the way you do. You lack all originality. You really are a cult, and your L. Ron Hubbard has feet of the crumbliest clay you could possibly imagine. You are no more individual than any Stalin-era Soviet Russian.
You’re also damned immature, politically, socially, morally, intellectually, and personally.
Or, to put it another way: The cordial invitation to fuck off still stands.
@kirbywarp
Made this comment earlier, but I think it got eaten somehow. I had experiences very similar to yours. It might be good for us to talk and share. Hit me up on Twitter if you feel so inclined.
I’m hopeful/not too concerned about his ex-wife and daughter being doxxed following this, because there’d be no plausible deniability as to who allowed the information to leak. The link between ‘they talked to a reporter and said bad things about Elam’ and ‘suddenly their lives are a living hell’ would be too clear, the timeline too short. Everyone would blame Elam and Elam could probably be held clearly (and legally) accountable. I want to believe he won’t risk it.
@podkayne–
Yeah, I am hoping that is the case, too–it would be too easy to trace back to real-life motivation instead of the “imaginary” (read: not legally actionable) doxx/abuse they usually dish out over these sorts of articles.
That said, if JudgyBitch (who is part of his inner circle/on his list of Nice Womenz Who Agree with Me) serves as an example, Elam is not above letting annonimity slip if it means he gets to “win” (read: precieved win) a fight.
I guess we will have to wait and see. I really hope he has a shred of decency in him and doesn’t doxx his own damn family.