There’s a famous scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carrell’s character inadvertently reveals his complete lack of sexual experience with women (not that there’s anything wrong with that) by suggesting that a women’s breast “feels like a bag of sand.”
I sometimes find myself wondering if some of the guys I write about here have ever actually been in the presence of a naked woman. I mean, sure, it’s not really that surprising that a committed vagina-avoider like the legendary Man Going His Own Way known as Christopher in Oregon would write about women in general, and their vaginas in particular, as if they were stinky alien creatures from Planet Yuckygirls.
But it’s a little weirder when someone who claims to be an expert on the female mind and body describes, for example, the human vagina in ways that seem to suggest that he’s never actually been in the same room with one.
I’m referring to our old friend Heartiste, the smug, racist piece of human trash who presents himself to the world as a pickup artist extraordinaire, someone who in his glory days “slew pussy like the Quim Reaper” (his words, obviously, not mine).
In a recent post, though, Heartiste cast aspersions on a fat woman’s alleged “sticky, bulbous, pitcher plant vagina.”
Bulbous? Bulbous?
Dude, you do realize that vaginas are, er, concave, right?
Heartiste, a somewhat overenthusiastic fan of metaphor, has previously suggested that vaginas are less like pitcher plants than they are like a shark’s toothy mouth, describing how “alpha” males find themselves “staring into the maw of an excited vagina aroused by the scent of cock in the water.”
In other posts he’s written of “poon petals flower[ing],” rhapsodized about “pussy waterfalls … sprayed in fine mists over jungle canopies,” described the vagina as a “fetid, humid mess” that no true alpha would want to go down upon, and suggested that the vulvas of “aging women” regularly become “low-hanging hammocks” needing plastic surgery in order to compete sexually with the less-hammocky vulvas of younger women.
He’s talked about “vaginal gusher[s],” exploding pussy, and women whose desire “erupt[s] like Mount Vaginius.”
Taking his cue, perhaps, from Frank Herbert’s Dune, he’s described male desire for a world in which “the snatch will flow.”
The word “labia” seems to send him into a veritable paroxysm of excited metaphoring. He’s described labia as “flowering,” “flapping,” and “pulsating.” He suggests that a sexually aroused women will need to “shift a little in [her] chair to make room for [her] engorging labia.”
In one post, he warns his readers that if they can’t pull off at least a reasonable impersonation of an alpha male, their girlfriend’s “labia will wither like rose petals in a Texas drought”; in another he suggests that if a fella can successfully ape an alpha, a woman’s “labia [will] begin to flower like a Desert Lily after an August deluge.”
He laughs at the thought of a “loser … jab[bing] a few tepid spurts into sea cucumber labia.”
And even more weirdly, he’s referred to the phrase “hey you” as “the symptomatic verbal goosebumps of the warm chill caused by her engorging labia.”
Wat.
But no variety of labia seems to excite him quite so much as feminist labia. In one post he attacks the “crooked labia of feminist ideology,” whatever that means; in another he happily predicts that his opinions will cause much “gnashing of labia”; in still another, he imagines his writings causing “a million fatties and fug feminists [to] sprout martyrdom stigmata on their marbled labia.”
And in an even stranger bit of metaphorical overkill he once referred to “Manboobz Fatrelle’s porcine labia,” which is evidently his somewhat baroque rendition of the standard Manosphere taunt that I’m a fat “mangina.”
Your challenge today, dear readers, is to draw a picture of what Heartiste must think vaginas look like based on his various descriptions of them. I recommend using MSPaint.
http://i.imgur.com/YPunWTo.jpg
Ew ew ew ew ew! Just your quoting was squicky enough. There’s no way I’m going to check out the whole thing. The vagina itself is not gross to me, but the way they describe it is.
For some brain bleach I bring Mari the Shiba Inu, back from rejecting their hooman’s kisses.
@Who Knows (@ShiraMK) — wild applause! Sharkgina FTW!
On the subject of ‘vagina dentata’ I recommend a horror com called Teeth (2008). Not too gory, darkly humourous etc etc.
Speaking of ladybits, some more info about that FGM case over here.
Exec summary for those who may not have seen the earlier discussions on the other thread:
Woman who’d suffered FGM giving birth. Dr inserts one stitch to stop bleeding caused by tear as baby born (accepted by prosecution that he saved her life). Crown say this is “reinstating FGM” and put him on trial. Not guilty verdict.
http://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/feb/04/prosecuting-dr-dhanuson-dharmasena-female-genital-mutilation-mistake-consultant
That shibe is very lovable.
I think I’ll pass on the artwork (sorry, not that good at representational art) and just laugh about this:
Um, yeah. He’s a 40-year-old virgin all right, because that’s not what happens. I’m 47, and the last time I looked at mine in critical detail (hand mirrors are your friends), I could see nothing hanging low, much less resembling a hammock. In fact, everything I saw looked much as it did in my 20s. And unless I happen to have an unfortunate run-in with a vacuum hose, I can’t imagine it changing much in that horrifying direction.
Hmmm, maybe I’m the 40-year-old virgin?
Yeah, Heartiste, thing is, there’s this business you might not have heard of if you’re getting your ideas of what people look like from ladmags and cable porn called “genetic diversity.” Labia do not behave like aging underwear elastic. Plenty of young people have big labia and plenty of old people have small labia.
I saw this article about a college student project that featured a variety of student vulvas. Just regular people, not porn stars. Obviously they were young though. A lot of women had dangling labia. I had no idea that was so common because I rarely see vulva besides my own and HBO actresses.
Anyway, the point is, yeah, the way labia look has more to do with genetics than age. Not all young women look like porn stars. In fact, most don’t.
I’ve been reading this blog everyday for like ever but have only been lurking in the comments. But today I’ve got something to post. I’m just so stunned and angry right now and I need to talk about this to someone. So I thought I’d try posting it here.
I just had the freakiest experience on my way home from work. I was on the train home and sitting in a window seat. This older but perfectly normal looking dude sat down in the aisle seat next to me. I opened a snickers like I do frequently on my way home from work and he used that as an excuse to start talking. I was blocked in and the train was packed so I was stuck.
He actually said that he has noticed me eating candy on the train frequently and I shouldn’t eat this candy bar or any others because they are bad for me and will make me fat and I should be grateful that I’m not fat because men don’t like fat girls. But even though I’m not fat yet I could stand to be thinner so I should be careful and not eat candy bars. Then there was a bit about how men like to look at women and women should look nice to attract male attention and if I keep eating candy bars I’ll get fat and will therefore be ugly and men won’t pay attention to me anymore and I will therefore be sad lonely and miserable. I summed it up here. He was creepier and more condescending and much more asinine and he went on and on even when I was trying to look anywhere but at him. He completely ignored my shut up and leave me alone body language and resting bitch face. And the worst part was that he seemed to think he was being nice and I should be grateful for his advice.
This is a totally random dude who I had never met, never even seen before. He just started talking. I didn’t know what to say. I’m terrible at snappy retorts and I was just so stunned that a totally random stranger would start this shit. And the part about noticing me on the train previously was downright scary.
The train had a ways to go before my stop but as soon as it reached the next stop I got up, mumbled something about this being my stop and pushed past him to exit my seat. As I was getting up he said he thought the train had a ways to go until my stop. I didn’t say anything just dashed off the train.
After waiting in the cold for the next train I finally got to my stop. Then when I got off the train I was totally paranoid that he might be more than just an asshole and might be genuinely scary, that he would have not just noticed me previously but have paid attention to where exactly I got off and would be lurking there….
Luckily I was overreacting and I got home fine. Now I’m just kinda stunned. The bit about noticing me on the train previously and knowing that my stop was further on was scary and the rest was just like wtf??? I’m still kicking myself for not having a snappy comeback and for forgetting my headphones. And I’m never sitting in a window seat again. What if he hadn’t let me past him to get off the train?
minilizzy, that sounds awful. I’m so sorry you experienced that.
Shout. As loud as you can.
A lot of women have to overcome a fear of being rude or drawing attention to themselves or otherwise making a scene. But–you should feel perfectly OK about making a scene. This guy’s behavior was rude and entitled AT BEST, scary at worst, and if anything like it happens again, you are within your rights to do whatever you have to do to get him to leave you alone.
@minilizzy That was lousy.
I seem to be very lucky. Not only have I never been catcalled or harassed, the one time a man sat next to me on a train and talked…he was a nice guy(or an alcoholic) who just wanted to share whiskey with someone. So he gave me a measure of whisky and talked about working as a builder in Europe. Which was pleasant.
@minilizzy – That dude is one creepy, creepy creepster.
Eurgh. Thank goodness you managed to get off the train and home safely, but how dare that asshole come up to you and not only comment on your choice to eat a candy bar, but to make you feel afraid on your regular commute?! Such a nasty, creepy creep!
Fuck that guy! If you see him again, I don’t know. I would suggest pointedly eating as much candy as you can comfortably manage in one sitting, in as ill-mannered and ostentatious way as possible, whilst glaring at him and giving the middle finger…… but he’s the sort of creep who might take that as a direct challenge to engage you in further conversation about your eating habits.
I hate that that asshole is going about his assholish business while you now feel threatened just by knowing that he might be creeping along the same transport route that you take on a regular basis. Eurgh. I hope he falls into a huge box of lego.
Heartiste/Roose Vajazzler or whatever is a derp, and reminds me of (P)rick from the ‘young ones’ with his childish attempts at sounding sexually experienced and cultured.
(TMI incoming)
As someone who has seen vaginas, and I’ve never seen a sticky or bulbous vagina. Ever. How would one be sticky? Like, glue sticky? Wet, yes, but sticky? And bulbous could make sense if the pad of fat above/ around the squishbox was thicker, but it’s still hardly choice to describe a fat pussy. (Does pussy make me sound dudebro-y?) And I thought the flower description thing was left for dead in the late 80s.
(Scrolls up to read some more)
*cackles*
SANDBAG BOOBS. SANDBAG. BOOBS. OH MY GOD. *disolves into laughter*
He must know some very cold, very hard boobies. So fake ones of an inflatable woman.
Flowering vaginas? Whaaaaaat. I guess they become flushed when aroused but they hardly flower.
Flapping vaginas makes me think of oglaf. 100% not sorry.
What’s so wrong with marbled labia? I suppose he means vainy? But all labia are vainy to some extent, particularly when aroused… So does he not like aroused women? (I’m assuming trans men and genderqueer people are out of the question for him) I mean, this is all my experience of vaginas, but vaginas don’t look like fleshlights like he thinks they do.
The whole trimmed-labia-hairless-vag thing porn perpetuates probably doesn’t help in matters. Fake fannies and stunt-vaginas are probably the only ones he will *ever* see. No loss, really.
I’m not even hugely experienced and I can tell his knowledge of vaginas is pretty much 13-year-old-boy level.
/rant.
@minilizzy Ugh, I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s awful, and it stinks that YOU had to be the one to inconvenience yourself to get away from him.
Just remember, you don’t owe creepers the time of day. Be polite, distant, and VERY firm, and don’t let them guilt you into dealing with them because they’re offended that you’re being “rude” – that’s just a tactic to make you continue dealing with them. They’re the rude one, not you.
I’m sorry you had to resort to getting off the train to make it stop (good thing he didn’t try to follow you). If you find yourself needing to do that again, maybe you could get into the next carriage so you’re not stranded in the cold. You can also change seats, go stand next to someone older and respectable-looking, or go stand next to the conductor if they’re around. Don’t be afraid to raise your voice and make a stink, either. Take advantage of the crowded conditions. Make it very clear you’re being bothered by someone who won’t leave you alone.
If he tries to bug you again about the candy, tell him it’s creep repellant and none of his damn business, and if he talks to you again, you’ll report him. Unfortunately, with some people, you have to outline boundaries in neon and barbed wire. Don’t even waste one second caring about his “feelings”. He won’t respect yours, why should you respect his?
“Gnashing of labia…” And…urm…how, exactly, do labia “gnash?”
Wow…just…wow.
I am now going to laugh my way to a cold beer…
@ minilizzy…you know how, in the movie version of The Shining, Jack Nicholson sticks his head through the bathroom door and says ” HERE’S JOHNNY!”
That…is what I call Advanced Crazyface.
If you can look your target in the eye with that basic look, and the thought that you’d like to decorate with their entrails? No blinking?
Oh, and you have to work on the grin…think rictus? With the teeth gritted and the lips drawn back?
It really can make people think.
…just a suggestion, may or may not be useful…
…I guess if that doesn’t work you can always ask them the best way to get a huge amount of dried blood out of a carpet…
If vaginas are flowers, then PUAs are Roundup.
My cooter has a slight overbite. I was thinking of getting my vagina dentata fitted with braces.
Regarding ( more properly ) vulvas, I observe them to be a lot of fun to play with in all manner of ways, including ones that involve putting my face in ladybits.
Wonderful, happy ladybits.
http://www.arkainrecords.com/images/vag_lovers.jpg
I think Fartiste is a wuss.
…not that guybits are bad either. They have their points…
* ducks *
Ugh, what an awful train creeper. Just for that, if it were me, I’d buy the biggest damn Snickers I could get my hands on, and if I saw him again, I’d make a big show of digging right into it, in his face. As though it were any of his business what anyone else looks like or eats, anyway.
minilizzy
Overreacting? Nuh. That’s called The Gift of Fear.
You were right to be scared. Be glad you found a way to get away from the source of that fear.
Miss Boichi was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life.
Maybe I’m just a wuss, but I could not finish this post. Fetid, bulbous, saggy… these words in relation to genitals just make me feel nauseous. So if that’s what you were going for, Heartiste… good job. I guess.
Instead of reading that, I’ve been watching Firefly. ‘You can’t take the sky from me!’