There’s a famous scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carrell’s character inadvertently reveals his complete lack of sexual experience with women (not that there’s anything wrong with that) by suggesting that a women’s breast “feels like a bag of sand.”
I sometimes find myself wondering if some of the guys I write about here have ever actually been in the presence of a naked woman. I mean, sure, it’s not really that surprising that a committed vagina-avoider like the legendary Man Going His Own Way known as Christopher in Oregon would write about women in general, and their vaginas in particular, as if they were stinky alien creatures from Planet Yuckygirls.
But it’s a little weirder when someone who claims to be an expert on the female mind and body describes, for example, the human vagina in ways that seem to suggest that he’s never actually been in the same room with one.
I’m referring to our old friend Heartiste, the smug, racist piece of human trash who presents himself to the world as a pickup artist extraordinaire, someone who in his glory days “slew pussy like the Quim Reaper” (his words, obviously, not mine).
In a recent post, though, Heartiste cast aspersions on a fat woman’s alleged “sticky, bulbous, pitcher plant vagina.”
Bulbous? Bulbous?
Dude, you do realize that vaginas are, er, concave, right?
Heartiste, a somewhat overenthusiastic fan of metaphor, has previously suggested that vaginas are less like pitcher plants than they are like a shark’s toothy mouth, describing how “alpha” males find themselves “staring into the maw of an excited vagina aroused by the scent of cock in the water.”
In other posts he’s written of “poon petals flower[ing],” rhapsodized about “pussy waterfalls … sprayed in fine mists over jungle canopies,” described the vagina as a “fetid, humid mess” that no true alpha would want to go down upon, and suggested that the vulvas of “aging women” regularly become “low-hanging hammocks” needing plastic surgery in order to compete sexually with the less-hammocky vulvas of younger women.
He’s talked about “vaginal gusher[s],” exploding pussy, and women whose desire “erupt[s] like Mount Vaginius.”
Taking his cue, perhaps, from Frank Herbert’s Dune, he’s described male desire for a world in which “the snatch will flow.”
The word “labia” seems to send him into a veritable paroxysm of excited metaphoring. He’s described labia as “flowering,” “flapping,” and “pulsating.” He suggests that a sexually aroused women will need to “shift a little in [her] chair to make room for [her] engorging labia.”
In one post, he warns his readers that if they can’t pull off at least a reasonable impersonation of an alpha male, their girlfriend’s “labia will wither like rose petals in a Texas drought”; in another he suggests that if a fella can successfully ape an alpha, a woman’s “labia [will] begin to flower like a Desert Lily after an August deluge.”
He laughs at the thought of a “loser … jab[bing] a few tepid spurts into sea cucumber labia.”
And even more weirdly, he’s referred to the phrase “hey you” as “the symptomatic verbal goosebumps of the warm chill caused by her engorging labia.”
Wat.
But no variety of labia seems to excite him quite so much as feminist labia. In one post he attacks the “crooked labia of feminist ideology,” whatever that means; in another he happily predicts that his opinions will cause much “gnashing of labia”; in still another, he imagines his writings causing “a million fatties and fug feminists [to] sprout martyrdom stigmata on their marbled labia.”
And in an even stranger bit of metaphorical overkill he once referred to “Manboobz Fatrelle’s porcine labia,” which is evidently his somewhat baroque rendition of the standard Manosphere taunt that I’m a fat “mangina.”
Your challenge today, dear readers, is to draw a picture of what Heartiste must think vaginas look like based on his various descriptions of them. I recommend using MSPaint.
OOPS I didn’t think that it would be that large hahaha
That’s okay, laughnwitch, I wasn’t going to sleep tonight anyway.
(Because my babies have the flu, and my daughter would not sleep last night unless it was on one or the other of her parents, and I don’t see tonight being any different.)
The fuckin’ eye makes it look like a monster off of Doctor Who.
@ Flaconer Sorry the kids have the flu. It does seem more disturbing with the eye. Some guy actually makes these apparently for sale in different colors.
I hear Masashi Tsuboyama, of Silent Hill 2 fame, reached out to PUAs like Roosh to get some inspiration for the monstrous, slightly sexual, imagery in the game. Apparently he left after around 15 minutes with the guy; Roosh’s descriptions of female genitalia were far too horrifying.
Junji Ito, writer of Uzumaki (also known as “Spiral Horror”), famously said “I have seen many disgusting and horrifying things in my time. I’ve created many of them. However, the Pick-up Artist’s conception of the female body is beyond disturbing. The worst part is, some of their imagery is intended to be positive, arousing even. It’s fucked up, man.”
All of these things are 100% true.
Vaginas? It’s nothing strange, just let me check…
My GAWD!
The HORROR!
This Was Something Man (AND Woman) Was Not Meant To Know!
My mind, my sanity! Ie Ie Cthulhu Fthagn! Blblblblblblblll!!! *sputter* *urgh* *twitch*
That should say “At The Mounds Of Madness.”
@laughnwitch: Well, my boy has the flu, with the official doctor’s stamp of diagnosis which means his insurance will pay for Tamiflu.
My girl doesn’t have that official stamp, so no Tamiflu for her. The doctor flat-out refused to write her the prescription because the insurance won’t cover it.
*Ahem* on a more serious note. I would LIKE to think Heartiste has never been in a position to see a woman’s vagina. Simply because I would not wish his company (or the company of other PuA scum) on ANY woman.
[Relatively SFW, hence why I’m embedding the images]
Do a Google image search for “vagina cake fail” and apart from the highly disturbing childbirth cakes you get some ideas of what Roissy thinks love tunnels look like. For example this:
This:
http://whattheflicka.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Screen-Shot-2014-09-10-at-1.49.21-PM.png
And somehow this:
That eye of Saucony cake is awesome.
Hmm. Top picture is how PUAs think vulvas look. Bottom pictures is how they think vulvas act.
One ring to rule them all.
One ring to find them.
One ring to take them all
And in the darkness marry them and then divorce them and take half their stuff plus eternal child support payments.
Alright, who wants to do a dramatic reading of this overdramatic prose?
@sunnysombera
…wut.
Eye of Sauron. Vagina cake fail. Vagina of Sauron?
…yeah, that sounds about right.
I’m reminded of conservative blogger Ace of Spades, who once referred to ladybits as “bacon and Play-doh.” It’s a safe bet he’s unfamiliar with one or the other of those concepts, and he doesn’t exactly look like the sort who’d be unfamiliar with bacon.
Lady-parts. Are they animal, vegetable or mineral?
It’s interesting that he describes labia as engorging so much that ‘a sexually aroused women will need to “shift a little in [her] chair to make room”‘. It’s almost as if he’s only read somewhere that female genitals contain erectile tissue and engorge slightly during arousal, and just assumed that they’d grow as much as a penis…
Like, I don’t know about anyone else, but mine don’t enlarge that much, even when I’m really in the mood. The one time I experienced that much swelling, it involved a phone-call to NHS Direct and we assumed it had something to do with a latex allergy. :/ TMI.
Anyway, I think Katz posted the pic that most closely-resembles Not-So-Smartiste’s bizarre description.
I won’t post links to Oglaf here, for risk of full-page NSFW images appearing… but this post made me think of “The Arts Of Romance”.
For other NSFW Oglaf comics on the theme of ‘not understanding human sex’, I recommend “Puzzlec__t”, “Human Women” and especially “Sex Manual”.
I actually had a ‘cunt cake’ made for my 25th birthday. It was made by women who really did know what a vulva and vagina look like! The clitoris was a ball of watermelon. It truly was fab and I wish I had a photo of it.
I am nearly 50 now and obviously NO part of my body looks the same as it did (and that is just fine!), but I think that my vulva/ vagina has changed the least – but hey, with men that hateful I wouldn’t want them anywhere near, so it really doesn’t matter! The kind of person I would like to be with would see me as a person first – wildly radical I know.
I’m not sure how to link photos here, so if this doesn’t turn out, just GIS “leatherback sea turtle mouth”
Not exactly Charles Bukowski is he?
GIS eh? You don’t happen to hang out in the SCP IRC channel where your friendly neighborhood bot will do that on command do you? If so, same nym here as there, and hi!
If not, TURTLE!! (I have a russian tortoise, I’m a bit obsessed.)
Hey where’s my pic? Probably didn’t link it right – google level 2 boss R-type. I imagine the tiny space ship is the MGTOW.
Ok, that was disturbing, I know my little guy is an herbivore, and they aren’t, but I wasnt expecting THAT. Come on out Darwin, your human wants to see that adorable yawn and the black hole that is your pink little mouth!
Turtle mouths are supposed to be cute, but terrifying. I think snapping turtles might have less scary mouths!
*cute, not terrifying
I can no type.
http://southparkstudios.mtvnimages.com/images/shows/south-park/clip-thumbnails/season-6/0608/south-park-s06e08c06-intergalactic-problem-16×9.jpg?
The Galgamex vagina is three feet-wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth, do you honestly expect Heartiste to have sex with that?
I read all these descriptions of ladyparts and honestly, it really sounds like Heartiste might not actually know what makes cisboys different from cisgirls. I also have a vague feeling like…with all the talk of engorgening and such, and the outright disgust for vaginas while sort of waxing poetic about things typically associated with penises, maybe he would be happier and less grossed out if he went for penis-possessing folks?