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alpha males evil sexy ladies heartiste men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny PUA vaginas

Has pickup guru Heartiste ever actually been in the same room as a human vagina?

Not pictured: Human vagina.
Pitcher plants. Not pictured: Human vaginas.

There’s a famous scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carrell’s character inadvertently reveals his complete lack of sexual experience with women (not that there’s anything wrong with that) by suggesting that a women’s breast “feels like a bag of sand.”

I sometimes find myself wondering if some of the guys I write about here have ever actually been in the presence of a naked woman. I mean, sure, it’s not really that surprising that a committed vagina-avoider like the legendary Man Going His Own Way known as Christopher in Oregon would write about women in general, and their vaginas in particular, as if they were stinky alien creatures from Planet Yuckygirls.

But it’s a little weirder when someone who claims to be an expert on the female mind and body describes, for example, the human vagina in ways that seem to suggest that he’s never actually been in the same room with one.

I’m referring to our old friend Heartiste, the smug, racist piece of human trash who presents himself to the world as a pickup artist extraordinaire, someone who in his glory days “slew pussy like the Quim Reaper” (his words, obviously, not mine).

In a recent post, though, Heartiste cast aspersions on a fat woman’s alleged “sticky, bulbous, pitcher plant vagina.”

Bulbous? Bulbous?

Dude, you do realize that vaginas are, er, concave, right?

Heartiste, a somewhat overenthusiastic fan of metaphor, has previously suggested that vaginas are less like pitcher plants than they are like a shark’s toothy mouth, describing how “alpha” males find themselves “staring into the maw of an excited vagina aroused by the scent of cock in the water.”

In other posts he’s written of “poon petals flower[ing],” rhapsodized about  “pussy waterfalls … sprayed in fine mists over jungle canopies,” described the vagina as a “fetid, humid mess” that no true alpha would want to go down upon, and suggested that the vulvas of “aging women” regularly become “low-hanging hammocks” needing plastic surgery in order to compete sexually with the less-hammocky vulvas of younger women.

He’s talked about “vaginal gusher[s],” exploding pussy, and women whose desire “erupt[s] like Mount Vaginius.”

Taking his cue, perhaps, from Frank Herbert’s Dune, he’s described male desire for a world in which “the snatch will flow.”

The word “labia” seems to send him into a veritable paroxysm of excited metaphoring. He’s described labia as “flowering,” “flapping,” and “pulsating.”  He suggests that a sexually aroused women will need to “shift a little in [her] chair to make room for [her] engorging labia.”

In one post, he warns his readers that if they can’t pull off at least a reasonable impersonation of an alpha male, their girlfriend’s “labia will wither like rose petals in a Texas drought”; in another he suggests that if a fella can successfully ape an alpha, a woman’s “labia [will] begin to flower like a Desert Lily after an August deluge.”

He laughs at the thought of a “loser … jab[bing] a few tepid spurts into sea cucumber labia.”

And even more weirdly, he’s referred to the phrase “hey you” as “the symptomatic verbal goosebumps of the warm chill caused by her engorging labia.”

Wat.

But no variety of labia seems to excite him quite so much as feminist labia. In one post he attacks the “crooked labia of feminist ideology,” whatever that means; in another he happily predicts that his opinions will cause much “gnashing of labia”; in still another, he imagines his writings causing “a million fatties and fug feminists [to] sprout martyrdom stigmata on their marbled labia.”

And in an even stranger bit of metaphorical overkill he once referred to “Manboobz Fatrelle’s porcine labia,” which is evidently his somewhat baroque rendition of the standard Manosphere taunt that I’m a fat “mangina.”

Your challenge today, dear readers, is to draw a picture of what Heartiste must think vaginas look like based on his various descriptions of them. I recommend using MSPaint.

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Film Runner
6 years ago

Going by the style of his writing I think he must work for Mills and Boon. Also, does anyone else think that not only has this man not seen a vagina in person, but he has also probably never seen even a picture of one. It’s a little weird, given many MRA/PUAs obsessions with porn (Jordan Owen, for example).

sparky
sparky
6 years ago

That’s a lot of purple prose and horrible metaphors!

It sounds like he thinks a vagina and labia looks like this. (Totally safe for work. And not drawn, I don’t have to the talent and wouldn’t know where to begin.)

Robert
Robert
6 years ago

That was unexpectedly disturbing. It still surprises me how these chuzzlewits blend desire and loathing into a cocktail of ick.

I wonder if the g0ys/frot partisans are motivated by a similar form of body horror. Some of them are apparently convinced that human sexuality is patterned after deep sea anglerfish, and they don’t want to be assimilated.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Even Georgia O’Keefe thinks he’s gone overboard on the vagina = flower imagery.

MollyPitcherplant
MollyPitcherplant
6 years ago

As someone.with a vaj, I have always been a little perplexed by the way they characterize female desire as “vagina tingles.” I’ve been aroused. I have had orgasms. I would never describe any.of it as tingles. Is that because I haven’t been with real alphas? Or do these guys just not have any clues?

ParadoxicalIntention
6 years ago

He’s semi-right on the labia swelling when aroused, but other than that, he’s got nothing.

damselindetech
6 years ago

I think he may have watched this classic movie one too many times while thirsty.

http://i.imgur.com/tQuDlzr.gif

bodycrimes
6 years ago

Maybe what these men need is the thing they admire the most – a good strong man.

Because they seem to be awfully weirded out by women.

Falconer
6 years ago

Yeah, nope, nothing I got can beat Audrey II up there.

Lady Mondegreen
Lady Mondegreen
6 years ago

It does sound an awful lot like he’s never seen an actual vulva.

I don’t think he’s seen a sea cucumber, either.
.

(Flapping labia? Really? That’s–really?)

blanktie
blanktie
6 years ago

“Gnashing of labia,” I’m dying here! It’s like he thinks women’s emotions/reasoning are solely channeled through their vaginas. I can’t stop picturing him arguing with a woman and then kneeling eye level to her vagoo and saying, “Who cares about her! What do YOU think?”

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

I don’t think Heartiste has seen a vagina since a vagina saw him.

sparky
sparky
6 years ago
Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
6 years ago

I’ve collaborated with a professional police sketch artist to produce this image of the being described by Heartiste:

http://cdn.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/at-the-mountains-of-madness-book-cover.jpg

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

@ David

“(his words, obviously, not mine)”

Yeah right. When are you going to come clean about the real reason you were fired from Hallmark Greetings Cards?

Mouse Farts
Mouse Farts
6 years ago

I…I’m not even sure if labia is a real word anymore. Wat.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

The Four Vagina Shapes (according to Heartiste):

1. Marbled vampire waterfall
2. Radioactive lava shark
3. Acid-spitting hammock
4. Death daisy
comment image

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

@ Buttercup

That list sounds like the line-up at the worst free music festival ever.

alaisvex
alaisvex
6 years ago

I had to look up the “low-hanging hammock” thing to figure out what the fuck he was talking about, and this article about when it’s acceptable for a woman to deny her boyfriend/husband sex at the bottom popped up.

http://www.donotlink.com/framed?630673

Apparently, the only time that it’s acceptable is if she’s violently ill or injured. Lemme go projectile vomit because that’s one of the few acceptable reasons for turning men down for sex.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
6 years ago

The pitcher plants in the OP kinda look like a group of people standing around talking. The one with what looks like a snake tongue is apparently saying something quite shocking, causing the one to the left to recoil in horror.

“So… yesterday some dude tried to stick his genitalia in me.”
“Whaaaa?”
“Yeah. Apparently he thought I looked like something called a ‘labia.'”
(far left) “Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Humans are really strange.”
(far right) “What’s a ‘labia’?”
(snake tongue) “Hell if I know. I don’t think he knew either.”

Brb, writing story about pitcher plants…

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
6 years ago

OMG, thank you, David and the commenters so far for so much hilarity. And I know the thread will continue to gush forth humor like a mountain spring after a winter thaw. Or something like it.

Oh, and thank you, Heartiste, you vaginaless jokester, you. This wonderful experience would not be possible without you.

P.S. @blanktie:

‘“Who cares about her! What do YOU think?”’

LMVO!

laughnwitch
laughnwitch
6 years ago

comment image

laughnwitch
laughnwitch
6 years ago

OOPS I didn’t think that it would be that large hahaha

Falconer
6 years ago

That’s okay, laughnwitch, I wasn’t going to sleep tonight anyway.

(Because my babies have the flu, and my daughter would not sleep last night unless it was on one or the other of her parents, and I don’t see tonight being any different.)

The fuckin’ eye makes it look like a monster off of Doctor Who.

laughnwitch
laughnwitch
6 years ago

@ Flaconer Sorry the kids have the flu. It does seem more disturbing with the eye. Some guy actually makes these apparently for sale in different colors.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
6 years ago

I hear Masashi Tsuboyama, of Silent Hill 2 fame, reached out to PUAs like Roosh to get some inspiration for the monstrous, slightly sexual, imagery in the game. Apparently he left after around 15 minutes with the guy; Roosh’s descriptions of female genitalia were far too horrifying.

Junji Ito, writer of Uzumaki (also known as “Spiral Horror”), famously said “I have seen many disgusting and horrifying things in my time. I’ve created many of them. However, the Pick-up Artist’s conception of the female body is beyond disturbing. The worst part is, some of their imagery is intended to be positive, arousing even. It’s fucked up, man.”

All of these things are 100% true.

Vanir (@Vanir85)
6 years ago

Vaginas? It’s nothing strange, just let me check…

My GAWD!
The HORROR!
This Was Something Man (AND Woman) Was Not Meant To Know!

My mind, my sanity! Ie Ie Cthulhu Fthagn! Blblblblblblblll!!! *sputter* *urgh* *twitch*

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
6 years ago

I’ve collaborated with a professional police sketch artist to produce this image of the being described by Heartiste:

That should say “At The Mounds Of Madness.”

Falconer
6 years ago

@laughnwitch: Well, my boy has the flu, with the official doctor’s stamp of diagnosis which means his insurance will pay for Tamiflu.

My girl doesn’t have that official stamp, so no Tamiflu for her. The doctor flat-out refused to write her the prescription because the insurance won’t cover it.

Vanir (@Vanir85)
6 years ago

*Ahem* on a more serious note. I would LIKE to think Heartiste has never been in a position to see a woman’s vagina. Simply because I would not wish his company (or the company of other PuA scum) on ANY woman.

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

[Relatively SFW, hence why I’m embedding the images]

Do a Google image search for “vagina cake fail” and apart from the highly disturbing childbirth cakes you get some ideas of what Roissy thinks love tunnels look like. For example this:comment image

This:
http://whattheflicka.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Screen-Shot-2014-09-10-at-1.49.21-PM.png

And somehow this:comment image

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

That eye of Saucony cake is awesome.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
6 years ago

Hmm. Top picture is how PUAs think vulvas look. Bottom pictures is how they think vulvas act.


One ring to rule them all.
One ring to find them.
One ring to take them all
And in the darkness marry them and then divorce them and take half their stuff plus eternal child support payments.

Pelagic
Pelagic
6 years ago

Alright, who wants to do a dramatic reading of this overdramatic prose?

andiexist
andiexist
6 years ago

@sunnysombera

…wut.

Eye of Sauron. Vagina cake fail. Vagina of Sauron?

…yeah, that sounds about right.

Funkula
Funkula
6 years ago

I’m reminded of conservative blogger Ace of Spades, who once referred to ladybits as “bacon and Play-doh.” It’s a safe bet he’s unfamiliar with one or the other of those concepts, and he doesn’t exactly look like the sort who’d be unfamiliar with bacon.

AltoFronto
AltoFronto
6 years ago

Lady-parts. Are they animal, vegetable or mineral?

It’s interesting that he describes labia as engorging so much that ‘a sexually aroused women will need to “shift a little in [her] chair to make room”‘. It’s almost as if he’s only read somewhere that female genitals contain erectile tissue and engorge slightly during arousal, and just assumed that they’d grow as much as a penis…

Like, I don’t know about anyone else, but mine don’t enlarge that much, even when I’m really in the mood. The one time I experienced that much swelling, it involved a phone-call to NHS Direct and we assumed it had something to do with a latex allergy. :/ TMI.

Anyway, I think Katz posted the pic that most closely-resembles Not-So-Smartiste’s bizarre description.

I won’t post links to Oglaf here, for risk of full-page NSFW images appearing… but this post made me think of “The Arts Of Romance”.
For other NSFW Oglaf comics on the theme of ‘not understanding human sex’, I recommend “Puzzlec__t”, “Human Women” and especially “Sex Manual”.

Ellesar
6 years ago

I actually had a ‘cunt cake’ made for my 25th birthday. It was made by women who really did know what a vulva and vagina look like! The clitoris was a ball of watermelon. It truly was fab and I wish I had a photo of it.

I am nearly 50 now and obviously NO part of my body looks the same as it did (and that is just fine!), but I think that my vulva/ vagina has changed the least – but hey, with men that hateful I wouldn’t want them anywhere near, so it really doesn’t matter! The kind of person I would like to be with would see me as a person first – wildly radical I know.

Dumpster Jedi
Dumpster Jedi
6 years ago

I’m not sure how to link photos here, so if this doesn’t turn out, just GIS “leatherback sea turtle mouth”

Tigerbos
Tigerbos
6 years ago

Not exactly Charles Bukowski is he?

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

GIS eh? You don’t happen to hang out in the SCP IRC channel where your friendly neighborhood bot will do that on command do you? If so, same nym here as there, and hi!

If not, TURTLE!! (I have a russian tortoise, I’m a bit obsessed.)

esp
esp
6 years ago

Hey where’s my pic? Probably didn’t link it right – google level 2 boss R-type. I imagine the tiny space ship is the MGTOW.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Ok, that was disturbing, I know my little guy is an herbivore, and they aren’t, but I wasnt expecting THAT. Come on out Darwin, your human wants to see that adorable yawn and the black hole that is your pink little mouth!

Turtle mouths are supposed to be cute, but terrifying. I think snapping turtles might have less scary mouths!

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

*cute, not terrifying

I can no type.

Miss Andry
6 years ago

http://southparkstudios.mtvnimages.com/images/shows/south-park/clip-thumbnails/season-6/0608/south-park-s06e08c06-intergalactic-problem-16×9.jpg?

The Galgamex vagina is three feet-wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth, do you honestly expect Heartiste to have sex with that?

Nequam
Nequam
6 years ago

It’s interesting that he describes labia as engorging so much that ‘a sexually aroused women will need to “shift a little in [her] chair to make room”‘.

Either that or he thinks this is photorealistic:

http://40.media.tumblr.com/b2f46ddab7fe4ced68587b383ce3ef32/tumblr_neysjxySSE1r34y4ho1_400.jpg

Mouse Farts
Mouse Farts
6 years ago

I read all these descriptions of ladyparts and honestly, it really sounds like Heartiste might not actually know what makes cisboys different from cisgirls. I also have a vague feeling like…with all the talk of engorgening and such, and the outright disgust for vaginas while sort of waxing poetic about things typically associated with penises, maybe he would be happier and less grossed out if he went for penis-possessing folks?

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