So our old pal Christian McQueen the ALPHA PLAYBOY has a prepared a list of “5 Essentials For Your Bachelor Pad (That Will Help You Get Laid).”
Along with some suggestions that are actually sort of thoughtful (baby wipes, a soft blanket), one that’s creepy (buy an assortment of phone chargers so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you), and several that indicate a bit of a fetish for seafood (keep your fridge stocked with oysters, calamari and pre-made shrimp cocktails), he made a suggestion that, well, let’s just say it doesn’t exactly imply good things about his readership:
ALWAYS have toilet paper. You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left. Buy in bulk.
WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.
No, wait, some bears actually DO wipe their asses, and not just the ones in those toilet paper ads.
I’m being informed that this is not an actual bear, so forget that last bit.
But the question remains: WHAT IS IT WITH PICKUP ARTISTS AND BUTT-WIPING?
NOTE TO EXCESSIVELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: Christian McQueen is not actually our pal.
Hi skiriki! Welcome back. These guys really are Cornholio, aren’t they? 😀
Yeah, it seems like he’s writing for dudes fresh out of college who are a bit uncertain as to how grownups decorate. In an earlier post, he advises his readers to hang their artwork in these things called “frames” (“Tape is NOT for holding your posters up!”).
He also recommends Carpet Fresh and stripper poles for would-be Lotharios. Seriously:
He illustrated that post with a stock photo of a chrome water slide going down from a loft bedroom into indoor pool, so his readers can sit in their bathrobes and watch gorgeous models cavorting while they sip strawberry bubbly. It’s a fourteen-year-old’s Playboy Mansion fantasy.
I’ve seen a number of decorating tips in PUA blogs, and the photo illustrations are always a wasteland of black and chrome and mirrors, like they’re living inside a futuristic 1960s space colony. I guess they think it sends out manly manly MAN I AM A MAN signals, but it doesn’t exactly look inviting and comfortable. “Welcome to my sex lab, Intercourse Unit 401178-B. The Sanitizing and Disinfecting Chamber is over there.”
(By the way, ladies, the toilet paper is only for #1. Only degenerate Western hyenas poop.)
Sorry, Scotticus! I borked your quote by mistake.
Really? Malware on the charger? So now ladies, going home with an PUA you too, can get an STI and Malware on your phone! I seriously agree with Argenti: non-latex condoms is a plus.
Seriously PUAs, if you take care of yourself like you love yourself: clean yourself and home regularly, make it look nice so you also enjoy your home. It’s much more likely that the ladies will like you too.
@watermelonsugar’s not serious list, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking this:
Pro-Tip: Keep pictures of all previous conquests that you took while they were sleeping! That way they know you let them get a little shut eye before you boot them to the curb. Slam-dunk!
I would be beyond creeped out if a guy had a stripper pole. Ew.
CHECKMATE, PUAs!
@WWTH,
I actually did know a fairly decent guy in college who had one in his dorm room, but it was because he and his roommates used it for exercise or as a joke. Of course, our good pal McQueen is only suggesting buying in the faint hopes that a drunk woman will want to hop on it.
Maybe he’s really just doing subtle advertising for the company that makes the $100 stripper pole? I can’t see his tip being successful, so that seems as likely an explanation as any.
If I walked into some dude’s place and saw a stripper pole, I wouldn’t be all “ooooo, KINKY!” I’d be all “ewww, gross. Also, that doesn’t look very sturdy.”
But then, I never was much fun at teenage beer-drinkin’ parties.
I thought that was ’80s cocaine chic.
I used to keep baby wipes with which to pamper my ass, not to wipe down my vulva. If a bro doesn’t dig on my cooter smelling/tasting like, well, cooter, I’m not having sex with him
@Bina
I would assume it was a Festivus decoration.
@Buttercup
Any excuse to air my grievances towards misogynistic morons is a good one!
Yeah, baby wipes make a lot more sense for the bum than for the ladybits. Unless you’ve got an infection and you’re kind of tender around there, in which case the aloe-vera kind might be helpful for soothing and cooling until things settle back down to normal. But then again, anyone who’s got a raging inflammation of the labia is probably NOT down for sex.
And FESTIVUS! Isn’t it a little, um, late (or early?) in the year for Feats of Strength? I can just see this dude trying to do an inverted pole-spin and falling on his douchey face. Hey, that ugly brass thing might come to some good after all!
In fairness, pole dancing is probably a pretty good Feat of Strength.
If there’s a stripper pole in a dude’s apartment and it’s around the holidays, demand a performance like this or like this.
Pole dancing is definitely a feat of strength — you try twirling upside down in high heels! Yeah, I’m gonna pass on risking breaking all my bones.
Leda — aww, I’m sorry you had to give Dylan up. As soon as I can break ground I’m building my little guy a nice big outdoor enclosure full of yummy plants. My brother’s even willing to put in the corner posts, and mom’s gonna spring for the post hole digger. I’m lucky, everyone but my douche father loves the little guy. (Probably doesn’t hurt any that some of his best nom plants are some of my mother’s favorites and now she has an excuse not just to plant them, but to get me to tend to them!)
Holy…wow, just wow. (Not really SFW, but amazing)
http://youtu.be/c9FS1bxaGTg
I just bought toilet paper and no cute guys saw me with it fell in love with me. I guess this tactic only works for the menz?
The funny thing is that I did recently bring my husband a phone charger because the cat ate his. I would be thrilled if he volunteered to go pick up some TP and surprised me by bringing home calamari too. Those are little things (like making the coffee if you get up first) that people just do because it’s nice. It is sweet and niceness and sweetness do lead to sexiness.
Having food and toilet paper in the house before you invite someone over for any reason is just what ya do. It is not over and above or seductive.
Of course you are more likely to maintain an adult relationship if you live like a responsible human being with some basic self respect and home training. How is that a revelation? This is like whining that women won’t leap into bed with you if you don’t routinely wipe your own ass.
That is the epitome of no account. If wiping is a basic function you are capable of that you are happy to forgo because you just can’t be bothered, not many people are going to want anything to do with you.
You just know that sex with this sort of dood is like shopping with a cart with a broken wheel:
Alot of pushing and fumbling but nothing much accomplished. The best part is when it’s over and you can go home.
These guys are so passionless. They miss the most basic aspects of human intimacy, attraction and affection. The reason people take care of themselves and treat other people as if they care for and respect them is because they want to. You do it because not neglecting your basic hygiene is the smart thing to do. You do it because your world lights up when they smile.
Notes for clueless duebros:
If you plan to entertain casual lovers in your home you have some fucking respect and keep that home in a way that is welcoming to guests that you are planning to ask to fuck you. Yes you will be more likely to get laid. That will be because you aren’t rude and pathetic. That is basic self care. Don’t be purposefully gross and selfish because those are not awesome things to be.
You know what I think is sexy? Here’s some notes from my lady boner:
We had a wonderful morning this morning. Sunday is great because we’re all well rested and the house is quieter than usual in the am. We all try to keep the house clean and tidy during the week so we can just relax together on the weekend. Hubby made a huge brunch. He and the teen are off gathering supplies to experiment with in the kitchen. They are going to try three different recipes for bacon cookies and taste test them with their friends. I am not down with the idea of bacon cookies. I think that sounds ghastly. But I love that they’re having fun together.
It isn’t fancy. It won’t pass a white glove test. That’s fine. I like being in this environment with this man. The reason I think the world of him is because I should. He’s not tricking me into thinking he’s awesome and thus hotter than the Earth’s core. He just is. I’m into him. Alot.
The moral of that story is:
If you want ladies to like you being likable is a good first step. If they don’t even like you, they probably won’t jump your bones with any regularity.
http://www.ccparkcity.com/Portals/224924/images/property%20management%20park%20city%202.jpg
*PUA has toilet paper in his bathroom*
What he thinks: “I have built the perfect love shack.”
How women continue to respond when propositioned by PUAs:
http://www.mustardcreative.com.au/musings/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/giphy-1.gif
http://38.media.tumblr.com/b05ecea8f8fcdab469535638a1cd157a/tumblr_mqj32yYlIq1srnh0jo1_500.gif
http://professionalfangirls.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/566396.gif
I keep unscented baby wipes in my bathrooms. I sometimes keep them in my purse or in the glove box. I see nothing strange about that.
Clean is comfortable.
@Nequam
Yep, that’s an even better description. Livin’ the Drakkar Noir dream!
@Lea Totally agree, it’s a little skeevy to turn one’s apartment into an Alpha Fuck Palace (as opposed to just making it comfortable and welcoming to overnight guests in general, as a side effect of being a functional, considerate adult). Like, isn’t it awkward when their mom or their boss comes over and the place looks like Austin Powers’ lair?
I get that hospitality doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but all that careful D-day planning and scripting kills spontaneity, which is the essence of good sex. If these guys would loosen up and think about what makes a place inviting in general, instead of arranging their entire persona and decor around conquests, they might have better luck.
ALPHA PLAYBOY. God, these losers and their internets pseudonyms.
The shame is, this really had the potential of not being at all creepy. Guys who have a lot of one night stands, to the point of buying extra toilet paper, could benefit from some of this advice. Stocking wet wipes, making sure to have extra clean towels, having snacks on hand, is being a fantastic host, but then they wrap it all up in this disgusting language and rub their creep stink all up in it.
If a guy wants to impress women with pole dancing, he should try this:
It’s not exactly seductive, but it sure as hell is an awesome Feat of Strength.
I’m pretty sure some of these dirtbags learn how to treat ladies from 50 Shades, which taught them superficially respect women with toilet paper and baby wipes because they’re dumb, easy to manipulate and once you get them in bed love being hurt!
Fucking Twilight fanfiction.