So our old pal Christian McQueen the ALPHA PLAYBOY has a prepared a list of “5 Essentials For Your Bachelor Pad (That Will Help You Get Laid).”
Along with some suggestions that are actually sort of thoughtful (baby wipes, a soft blanket), one that’s creepy (buy an assortment of phone chargers so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you), and several that indicate a bit of a fetish for seafood (keep your fridge stocked with oysters, calamari and pre-made shrimp cocktails), he made a suggestion that, well, let’s just say it doesn’t exactly imply good things about his readership:
ALWAYS have toilet paper. You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left. Buy in bulk.
WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.
No, wait, some bears actually DO wipe their asses, and not just the ones in those toilet paper ads.
I’m being informed that this is not an actual bear, so forget that last bit.
But the question remains: WHAT IS IT WITH PICKUP ARTISTS AND BUTT-WIPING?
NOTE TO EXCESSIVELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: Christian McQueen is not actually our pal.
@Soup or man?
Werl, technically it’s not the vagina itself, which is the insidey bit, but the labia. It’s actually quite difficult to clean one’s vagina with baby wipes, not to mention uncomfortable. If they want our actual vaginas clean, I suggest providing douches. No pun intended 😉
But it’s kinda confusing that they want us to smell like something other than female sex organs. I mean, why? If you don’t like going down on a woman, don’t! Simples. Or is this some PUA tactic I’m not aware of?
Sheesh! Why are we women always accused of being the complicated ones!
Oh yes, beware of what my friend calls the “genitalia extension dog”. The demonised breeds are unfortunately a red flag. I’m a dog person myself as well (apologies from here too, this is an item on the list of things you don’t readily say on the internet) and a dog owner. Is anyone else guilty of letting their furry (or scaly or leathery or otherwise) family members as a part of the litmus test with new people? I’m one of those annoying people who bring up their dog’s uncanny ability to pick up naughty from nice. (I don’t get many dinner party invitations anymore.)
Apologies for spelling and illogical sentences, I would make up an excuse but the truth is I do my best proof reading after I hit *Post Comment*.
(Although I sometimes play my “I’m not a native English speaker” card. You’ll see.)
Soup or Man? sez:
I’m not classy, which is why I primarily use baby wipes on my butthole. Only unscented ones, though. Sometimes on my vulva, too, if I’m cleaning up after a panty massacre and it would otherwise take 18 yards of toilet paper to do the same thing.
Leda Atomica
Oh, no, you’re not the only one. We do it too. If my pets don’t like you, I don’t like you. Animals have a very awesome ability to detect who’s a good person and who’s not.
Another litmus test I like to give people is to take them out to eat. If they’re rude to the waitstaff, they’re not nice people. Being a former waitress myself, people who are rude to waitstaff particularly irk me.
If the waitperson is rude, just leave them a shitty tip. Don’t be snarky back at them, because then they might feel a twinge of guilt for being rude to such nice people. Or maybe they’re just having a bad day, and is unfortunately taking it out on you.
Respect your waitstaff, damnit!
Unfortunately swimming friends don’t really judge anyone as anything besides “hand”, “hand with food”, and “AHHH WTF IS THAT?!” (Nobody likes the cleaning stuff, even if it takes like five seconds to wipe the glass). And Darwin…he only likes me, might have warmed up to my mother a bit, but it’s still a “hand with food” sort of thing. Idk if it’s different with other non-furry friends, but I don’t really think it works the same with not really domesticated animals as it does ones with a long history of domestication — all non-food bearing humans freak out the former to some degree, at least with fish (even the ones that can be hand fed don’t tend to like hands that lack food)
Ahhaha @ fishy friends and hands. ^_^
I had terrapins as a kid, and the two big ones would come and mooch off warmth from me and certain friends when we were sitting around on the floor. Except for Jesse James, who hated everyone. He was small and scrappy.
They didn’t seem to take notice otherwise, unless your fingers resembled shrimp. Turns out a lot of people have fingers that resemble shrimp.
Lol! Darwin’s a russian tortoise, and we have an idiot dog, so he spends most of his time in his enclosure (or rather, in his favorite corner, because apparently all my pets are like “oh we have 4′ of length? Nawh, this corner is cool”)
I’ve lived with idiot dog/cornered tortoise dynamic as well! Dylan was a Greek tortoise and I finally gave him up with a heavy heart. But no one tries to eat him in his new family and there’s plenty of open places to sniff and drop pellets.
scalyllama:
Would you trust a dude who kept douches in his bathroom for guests? I’d be a bit insulted. (Though I’m pretty anti-douche, anyway (in all forms).)
The phone charger thing really creeps me out. “Do…do you have the former owners of all those chargers buried under your house?”
Combine the cat and toilet paper seduction techniques by unrolling the toilet paper and leaving it in a pile on the floor.
Pfft, amateur cat! Real cats shred it and leave it EVERYWHERE!
#NoTrueCat
If you’re a piece of shit, what’s the point of toilet paper? It’s not like you can wipe yourself away.
@Katz
I agree, cats and toilet paper are a fantastic combination. My giant teddy bear cat of blessed memory would carefully unroll all of the paper into a fluffy pile on the floor. He’d then look up at me and blink sweetly as if to say “see, human, I have saved you time and done it for you.”
Oh my Jesus these are hilarious.
This is the complete list:
#5. Baby Wipes In The Bathroom
I…is this a thing? Polishing your labia with baby wipes? Surely he doesn’t literally mean baby wipes… nope, nope, he posted a picture, it’s baby wipes.
If I saw a package of baby wipes in a childless man’s bathroom, I’d be mildly curious as to what he used it for. Never in a million years would I figure out it had been placed there for me to douche with. But I’m not a classy chick.
(Also, I have a baby, and I have never seen fruit-scented baby wipes. They do make a nice cucumber-and-aloe scent, though. So, um, douche with those?)
#4. Multiple Phone Chargers
Oh, honey, no. Accept the soft no and move on before you force her to get brutally honest.
#3. Strawberries & Champagne
Fair enough, if cliche. But guys living in areas that take wine seriously should ignore his recommendation of Barefoot Pink Bubbly. Good god, man, you may not respect the lady, but at least respect yourself.
#2. Finger Food
This is the creepiest entry, thanks to his insistence that you not let the lady eat a real meal lest she sober up. Yikes. His recommendations: fresh oysters, fresh calamari, cocktail shrimp, chocolate-covered cherries, and a Safeway vegetable tray. Because it will not seem weird at all when you go to a guy’s house and he whips out an office-party plastic crudite platter.
For the most part this guy really pinches his pennies: he recommends a champagne prom kids would consider trashy and the cheapest nasty drugstore chocolates. Even the package of baby wipes in the illustrations is the generic brand. But then he tells you to have fresh seafood in your fridge at all times. Oysters last, what, a day? I’m trying to figure out the logistics of this and coming up short.
#1. A Cashmere Blanket And/Or A Thick Soft Rug
This is the best idea on the list, but then I get to the idea that women will use these items to keep their freshly-baby-wiped genitals from falling out and I’m confused all over again.
I asked my husband what he would keep in his bachelor pad for the convenience of the ladies, and his first response was “maxi pads.” He’s been living with a woman for a while now.
Also, every item on the list includes the line, “SLAM DUNK.”
This is awesome.
I have never, and will never, douche for the paltry reason that some man doesn’t like the way I smell.
1. Vaginas clean themselves quite adequately.
2. There are plenty of men who are willing to please a lady that way BECAUSE they like it, so why would I bother with douching to please a douche who’s only giving me oral sex so he can get his end wet???
Is there some kind of code book for PUA’s mandating that “thou shalt go down on a chick to make her give it up”?
Silly question. Probably.
Not sure if any of you watch Bob’s Burgers, but here’s a lovely piece of satire they did on PUAs from the episode Dr. Yap:
http://unicornery.tumblr.com/post/22302672353/prince-of-persuasias-3-step-process-from-bobs
Things to actually own if you actually hope to get laid:
Yes, decent TP. Because let’s face it, single ply is shit. But guys, you do wipe your asses right? Treat your bum to two ply, trust me, you’ll thank me later!
Comfy bedding, again, you’ll be happier too.
Condoms, non-latex too, just in case she’s allergic. If you really want to look like you care, get dental dams too, and use them. Good oral is a good way to get her back in your bed!
Maxi-pads, tampons, or preferably both, cuz sometimes she’s gonna need ’em, particularly if you want her to stay over.
A real hairbrush is probably a good idea too. And toiletries that don’t smell like a lumberyard. If she’s gonna head home in her clubbing clothes, at least make it somewhat dignified!
COFFEE!!! And some sort of breakfast food, idk, cereal or bagels or something.
Enough pillows for two, and make sure they don’t smell.
Probably not a bad idea to have an extra charger for your own phone. You’ll be happier with a spare, and if she’s got the same phone, she won’t have a dead battery come morning.
Did I mention condoms? Seriously guys, you want to put your mystery dick in her, wrap that shit up first!
He’s not confident enough in his readership to assume they’ll keep toilet paper in their home, however he’s confident enough that they’ll know when their fresh oysters have gone bad so as not to poison their guests? I feel like “clean your home” is something that would have to be explained to these people as well.
On the other hand, I feel like his readership would be less of the homeowner variety and more of the “lives with parents or many roommates” variety…
Re: cats and toilet paper
When I was about 3 years old, we had a problem with toilet paper being unrolled. I, of course, denied it, but it happened multiple times and I kept getting blamed…until my mom walked into the bathroom and found the cat happily unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper.
Also, t I dyed my hair last night. It now has some purple in it. Extra misandry points for me!
Well, there are a few exceptions to prove the rule. My apartment complex’s cleaner has become a great friend of mine, but my cat hates her – she brings a vacuum cleaner! =P
Also, just because:
Re: telemarketers. The last call I got from a telemarketer ended with “I gotta go, the cat is vomiting!”, which was 100% true. I was cat-sitting, and the kitty had decided to gorge on food (no matter how little I put into his bowl), and then hurk it up. After that, I signed up to a DNC list, which has worked wonders in my corner of the world. No more calls.
Re: cats. I deffo trust cat-people better, mostly because I read cats better than dogs. Cats haven’t been bred to please people and cats are stereotypically a “womanly pet”; this can offer clues about the dudely type in a roundabout way. Another is seeing the condition of the litterbox and food bowls and toys.
Re: TP (for my bunnnnnghole). I always buy in bulk, mostly because I’m having horrible fear of running out of it at a crucial moment (due to IBS). Three-ply FTW.
Re: phone chargers. This can get tricky, because some phones want 1.6A, some are happy with 2.1A and my previous tablet wanted 2.5A. Not to mention that these days malware can actually lurk in a charger as well and who the fuck knows what it is gonna mooch off your phone. Like **** I’m gonna use someone else’s charger, I always have mine.
http://arstechnica.com/security/2013/07/trusting-iphones-plugged-into-bogus-chargers-get-a-dose-of-malware/
Oh and hi, long time no see, been sort of busy in RL. 🙂