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alpha males bears creepy PUA

Seduce the ladies with phone chargers, calamari and toilet paper!

Works every time.
Works every time.

So our old pal Christian McQueen the ALPHA PLAYBOY has a prepared a list of “5 Essentials For Your Bachelor Pad (That Will Help You Get Laid).”

Along with some suggestions that are actually sort of thoughtful (baby wipes, a soft blanket), one that’s creepy (buy an assortment of phone chargers so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you), and several that indicate a bit of a fetish for seafood (keep your fridge stocked with oysters, calamari and pre-made shrimp cocktails), he made a suggestion that, well, let’s just say it doesn’t exactly imply good things about his readership:

ALWAYS have toilet paper. You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left. Buy in bulk.

WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.

No, wait, some bears actually DO wipe their asses, and not just the ones in those toilet paper ads.

I’m being informed that this is not an actual bear, so forget that last bit.

But the question remains: WHAT IS IT WITH PICKUP ARTISTS AND BUTT-WIPING?

NOTE TO EXCESSIVELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: Christian McQueen is not actually our pal.

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scalyllama
6 years ago

@Soup or man?

Oh man. Reading the “Baby Wipes” section…

(From the article) “Classy chicks use baby wipes to wipe their you-know-what.”

” It keeps it fresh and is gentle on their uh-delicate skin down there.”

This guy is fucking twelve! Say it with me. Va-gi-na.

Werl, technically it’s not the vagina itself, which is the insidey bit, but the labia. It’s actually quite difficult to clean one’s vagina with baby wipes, not to mention uncomfortable. If they want our actual vaginas clean, I suggest providing douches. No pun intended 😉

But it’s kinda confusing that they want us to smell like something other than female sex organs. I mean, why? If you don’t like going down on a woman, don’t! Simples. Or is this some PUA tactic I’m not aware of?

Sheesh! Why are we women always accused of being the complicated ones!

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

Oh yes, beware of what my friend calls the “genitalia extension dog”. The demonised breeds are unfortunately a red flag. I’m a dog person myself as well (apologies from here too, this is an item on the list of things you don’t readily say on the internet) and a dog owner. Is anyone else guilty of letting their furry (or scaly or leathery or otherwise) family members as a part of the litmus test with new people? I’m one of those annoying people who bring up their dog’s uncanny ability to pick up naughty from nice. (I don’t get many dinner party invitations anymore.)

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

Apologies for spelling and illogical sentences, I would make up an excuse but the truth is I do my best proof reading after I hit *Post Comment*.

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

(Although I sometimes play my “I’m not a native English speaker” card. You’ll see.)

A. Noyd
A. Noyd
6 years ago

Soup or Man? sez:

(From the article) “Classy chicks use baby wipes to wipe their you-know-what.”

“It keeps it fresh and is gentle on their uh-delicate skin down there.”

This guy is fucking twelve! Say it with me. Va-gi-na.

I’m not classy, which is why I primarily use baby wipes on my butthole. Only unscented ones, though. Sometimes on my vulva, too, if I’m cleaning up after a panty massacre and it would otherwise take 18 yards of toilet paper to do the same thing.

ParadoxicalIntention
6 years ago

Leda Atomica

[…] Is anyone else guilty of letting their furry (or scaly or leathery or otherwise) family members as a part of the litmus test with new people?

Oh, no, you’re not the only one. We do it too. If my pets don’t like you, I don’t like you. Animals have a very awesome ability to detect who’s a good person and who’s not.

Another litmus test I like to give people is to take them out to eat. If they’re rude to the waitstaff, they’re not nice people. Being a former waitress myself, people who are rude to waitstaff particularly irk me.

If the waitperson is rude, just leave them a shitty tip. Don’t be snarky back at them, because then they might feel a twinge of guilt for being rude to such nice people. Or maybe they’re just having a bad day, and is unfortunately taking it out on you.

Respect your waitstaff, damnit!

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Unfortunately swimming friends don’t really judge anyone as anything besides “hand”, “hand with food”, and “AHHH WTF IS THAT?!” (Nobody likes the cleaning stuff, even if it takes like five seconds to wipe the glass). And Darwin…he only likes me, might have warmed up to my mother a bit, but it’s still a “hand with food” sort of thing. Idk if it’s different with other non-furry friends, but I don’t really think it works the same with not really domesticated animals as it does ones with a long history of domestication — all non-food bearing humans freak out the former to some degree, at least with fish (even the ones that can be hand fed don’t tend to like hands that lack food)

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

Ahhaha @ fishy friends and hands. ^_^
I had terrapins as a kid, and the two big ones would come and mooch off warmth from me and certain friends when we were sitting around on the floor. Except for Jesse James, who hated everyone. He was small and scrappy.
They didn’t seem to take notice otherwise, unless your fingers resembled shrimp. Turns out a lot of people have fingers that resemble shrimp.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Lol! Darwin’s a russian tortoise, and we have an idiot dog, so he spends most of his time in his enclosure (or rather, in his favorite corner, because apparently all my pets are like “oh we have 4′ of length? Nawh, this corner is cool”)

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

I’ve lived with idiot dog/cornered tortoise dynamic as well! Dylan was a Greek tortoise and I finally gave him up with a heavy heart. But no one tries to eat him in his new family and there’s plenty of open places to sniff and drop pellets.

Tessa
6 years ago

scalyllama:

Werl, technically it’s not the vagina itself, which is the insidey bit, but the labia. It’s actually quite difficult to clean one’s vagina with baby wipes, not to mention uncomfortable. If they want our actual vaginas clean, I suggest providing douches. No pun intended

Would you trust a dude who kept douches in his bathroom for guests? I’d be a bit insulted. (Though I’m pretty anti-douche, anyway (in all forms).)

The phone charger thing really creeps me out. “Do…do you have the former owners of all those chargers buried under your house?”

katz
6 years ago

Combine the cat and toilet paper seduction techniques by unrolling the toilet paper and leaving it in a pile on the floor.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Pfft, amateur cat! Real cats shred it and leave it EVERYWHERE!

#NoTrueCat

totallyalphadudebro
totallyalphadudebro
6 years ago

If you’re a piece of shit, what’s the point of toilet paper? It’s not like you can wipe yourself away.

totallyalphadudebro
totallyalphadudebro
6 years ago

@Katz
I agree, cats and toilet paper are a fantastic combination. My giant teddy bear cat of blessed memory would carefully unroll all of the paper into a fluffy pile on the floor. He’d then look up at me and blink sweetly as if to say “see, human, I have saved you time and done it for you.”

Shaenon
6 years ago

Oh my Jesus these are hilarious.

This is the complete list:

#5. Baby Wipes In The Bathroom

I…is this a thing? Polishing your labia with baby wipes? Surely he doesn’t literally mean baby wipes… nope, nope, he posted a picture, it’s baby wipes.

If I saw a package of baby wipes in a childless man’s bathroom, I’d be mildly curious as to what he used it for. Never in a million years would I figure out it had been placed there for me to douche with. But I’m not a classy chick.

(Also, I have a baby, and I have never seen fruit-scented baby wipes. They do make a nice cucumber-and-aloe scent, though. So, um, douche with those?)

#4. Multiple Phone Chargers

Oh, honey, no. Accept the soft no and move on before you force her to get brutally honest.

#3. Strawberries & Champagne

Fair enough, if cliche. But guys living in areas that take wine seriously should ignore his recommendation of Barefoot Pink Bubbly. Good god, man, you may not respect the lady, but at least respect yourself.

#2. Finger Food

This is the creepiest entry, thanks to his insistence that you not let the lady eat a real meal lest she sober up. Yikes. His recommendations: fresh oysters, fresh calamari, cocktail shrimp, chocolate-covered cherries, and a Safeway vegetable tray. Because it will not seem weird at all when you go to a guy’s house and he whips out an office-party plastic crudite platter.

For the most part this guy really pinches his pennies: he recommends a champagne prom kids would consider trashy and the cheapest nasty drugstore chocolates. Even the package of baby wipes in the illustrations is the generic brand. But then he tells you to have fresh seafood in your fridge at all times. Oysters last, what, a day? I’m trying to figure out the logistics of this and coming up short.

#1. A Cashmere Blanket And/Or A Thick Soft Rug

This is the best idea on the list, but then I get to the idea that women will use these items to keep their freshly-baby-wiped genitals from falling out and I’m confused all over again.

I asked my husband what he would keep in his bachelor pad for the convenience of the ladies, and his first response was “maxi pads.” He’s been living with a woman for a while now.

Shaenon
6 years ago

Also, every item on the list includes the line, “SLAM DUNK.”

This is awesome.

scalyllama
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessa

I have never, and will never, douche for the paltry reason that some man doesn’t like the way I smell.

1. Vaginas clean themselves quite adequately.

2. There are plenty of men who are willing to please a lady that way BECAUSE they like it, so why would I bother with douching to please a douche who’s only giving me oral sex so he can get his end wet???

Is there some kind of code book for PUA’s mandating that “thou shalt go down on a chick to make her give it up”?

Silly question. Probably.

scalyllama
6 years ago

Not sure if any of you watch Bob’s Burgers, but here’s a lovely piece of satire they did on PUAs from the episode Dr. Yap:

http://unicornery.tumblr.com/post/22302672353/prince-of-persuasias-3-step-process-from-bobs

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Things to actually own if you actually hope to get laid:

Yes, decent TP. Because let’s face it, single ply is shit. But guys, you do wipe your asses right? Treat your bum to two ply, trust me, you’ll thank me later!

Comfy bedding, again, you’ll be happier too.

Condoms, non-latex too, just in case she’s allergic. If you really want to look like you care, get dental dams too, and use them. Good oral is a good way to get her back in your bed!

Maxi-pads, tampons, or preferably both, cuz sometimes she’s gonna need ’em, particularly if you want her to stay over.

A real hairbrush is probably a good idea too. And toiletries that don’t smell like a lumberyard. If she’s gonna head home in her clubbing clothes, at least make it somewhat dignified!

COFFEE!!! And some sort of breakfast food, idk, cereal or bagels or something.

Enough pillows for two, and make sure they don’t smell.

Probably not a bad idea to have an extra charger for your own phone. You’ll be happier with a spare, and if she’s got the same phone, she won’t have a dead battery come morning.

Did I mention condoms? Seriously guys, you want to put your mystery dick in her, wrap that shit up first!

Scotticus
Scotticus
6 years ago

He’s not confident enough in his readership to assume they’ll keep toilet paper in their home, however he’s confident enough that they’ll know when their fresh oysters have gone bad so as not to poison their guests? I feel like “clean your home” is something that would have to be explained to these people as well.

On the other hand, I feel like his readership would be less of the homeowner variety and more of the “lives with parents or many roommates” variety…

ej
ej
6 years ago

Re: cats and toilet paper

When I was about 3 years old, we had a problem with toilet paper being unrolled. I, of course, denied it, but it happened multiple times and I kept getting blamed…until my mom walked into the bathroom and found the cat happily unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper.

Also, t I dyed my hair last night. It now has some purple in it. Extra misandry points for me!

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
6 years ago

Oh, no, you’re not the only one. We do it too. If my pets don’t like you, I don’t like you. Animals have a very awesome ability to detect who’s a good person and who’s not.

Well, there are a few exceptions to prove the rule. My apartment complex’s cleaner has become a great friend of mine, but my cat hates her – she brings a vacuum cleaner! =P

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
6 years ago

Also, just because:

skiriki
6 years ago

Re: telemarketers. The last call I got from a telemarketer ended with “I gotta go, the cat is vomiting!”, which was 100% true. I was cat-sitting, and the kitty had decided to gorge on food (no matter how little I put into his bowl), and then hurk it up. After that, I signed up to a DNC list, which has worked wonders in my corner of the world. No more calls.

Re: cats. I deffo trust cat-people better, mostly because I read cats better than dogs. Cats haven’t been bred to please people and cats are stereotypically a “womanly pet”; this can offer clues about the dudely type in a roundabout way. Another is seeing the condition of the litterbox and food bowls and toys.

Re: TP (for my bunnnnnghole). I always buy in bulk, mostly because I’m having horrible fear of running out of it at a crucial moment (due to IBS). Three-ply FTW.

Re: phone chargers. This can get tricky, because some phones want 1.6A, some are happy with 2.1A and my previous tablet wanted 2.5A. Not to mention that these days malware can actually lurk in a charger as well and who the fuck knows what it is gonna mooch off your phone. Like **** I’m gonna use someone else’s charger, I always have mine.

http://arstechnica.com/security/2013/07/trusting-iphones-plugged-into-bogus-chargers-get-a-dose-of-malware/

Oh and hi, long time no see, been sort of busy in RL. 🙂

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Hi skiriki! Welcome back. These guys really are Cornholio, aren’t they? 😀

On the other hand, I feel like his readership would be less of the homeowner variety and more of the “lives with parents or many

Yeah, it seems like he’s writing for dudes fresh out of college who are a bit uncertain as to how grownups decorate. In an earlier post, he advises his readers to hang their artwork in these things called “frames” (“Tape is NOT for holding your posters up!”).

He also recommends Carpet Fresh and stripper poles for would-be Lotharios. Seriously:

It might sound nuts, but if you’re prone for throwing parties, or like to be the man who gets girls to reveal their kinky side, then a stripper pole is worth getting. If you’re really shy about having one installed at your pad, then opt for a portable one and bust it out next time you throw a party. Don’t be surprised if the ‘shyest’ girl at the party jumps on it after some Tequila shots though.

Prices will range all over the place, but for around $100 you can turn your living room into your personal strip club, without ‘making it rain’.

He illustrated that post with a stock photo of a chrome water slide going down from a loft bedroom into indoor pool, so his readers can sit in their bathrobes and watch gorgeous models cavorting while they sip strawberry bubbly. It’s a fourteen-year-old’s Playboy Mansion fantasy.

I’ve seen a number of decorating tips in PUA blogs, and the photo illustrations are always a wasteland of black and chrome and mirrors, like they’re living inside a futuristic 1960s space colony. I guess they think it sends out manly manly MAN I AM A MAN signals, but it doesn’t exactly look inviting and comfortable. “Welcome to my sex lab, Intercourse Unit 401178-B. The Sanitizing and Disinfecting Chamber is over there.”

(By the way, ladies, the toilet paper is only for #1. Only degenerate Western hyenas poop.)

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Sorry, Scotticus! I borked your quote by mistake.

mistressoflarry
mistressoflarry
6 years ago

Not to mention that these days malware can actually lurk in a charger as well and who the fuck knows what it is gonna mooch off your phone. Like **** I’m gonna use someone else’s charger, I always have mine.

Really? Malware on the charger? So now ladies, going home with an PUA you too, can get an STI and Malware on your phone! I seriously agree with Argenti: non-latex condoms is a plus.

Seriously PUAs, if you take care of yourself like you love yourself: clean yourself and home regularly, make it look nice so you also enjoy your home. It’s much more likely that the ladies will like you too.

@watermelonsugar’s not serious list, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking this:

Pro-Tip: Keep pictures of all previous conquests that you took while they were sleeping! That way they know you let them get a little shut eye before you boot them to the curb. Slam-dunk!

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

I would be beyond creeped out if a guy had a stripper pole. Ew.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

If you’re a piece of shit, what’s the point of toilet paper? It’s not like you can wipe yourself away.

CHECKMATE, PUAs!

alaisvex
alaisvex
6 years ago

@WWTH,

I actually did know a fairly decent guy in college who had one in his dorm room, but it was because he and his roommates used it for exercise or as a joke. Of course, our good pal McQueen is only suggesting buying in the faint hopes that a drunk woman will want to hop on it.

Maybe he’s really just doing subtle advertising for the company that makes the $100 stripper pole? I can’t see his tip being successful, so that seems as likely an explanation as any.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

If I walked into some dude’s place and saw a stripper pole, I wouldn’t be all “ooooo, KINKY!” I’d be all “ewww, gross. Also, that doesn’t look very sturdy.”

But then, I never was much fun at teenage beer-drinkin’ parties.

Nequam
Nequam
6 years ago

the photo illustrations are always a wasteland of black and chrome and mirrors, like they’re living inside a futuristic 1960s space colony.

I thought that was ’80s cocaine chic.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I used to keep baby wipes with which to pamper my ass, not to wipe down my vulva. If a bro doesn’t dig on my cooter smelling/tasting like, well, cooter, I’m not having sex with him

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

@Bina

If I walked into some dude’s place and saw a stripper pole, I wouldn’t be all “ooooo, KINKY!” I’d be all “ewww, gross.

I would assume it was a Festivus decoration.

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
6 years ago

@Buttercup

Any excuse to air my grievances towards misogynistic morons is a good one!

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Yeah, baby wipes make a lot more sense for the bum than for the ladybits. Unless you’ve got an infection and you’re kind of tender around there, in which case the aloe-vera kind might be helpful for soothing and cooling until things settle back down to normal. But then again, anyone who’s got a raging inflammation of the labia is probably NOT down for sex.

And FESTIVUS! Isn’t it a little, um, late (or early?) in the year for Feats of Strength? I can just see this dude trying to do an inverted pole-spin and falling on his douchey face. Hey, that ugly brass thing might come to some good after all!

isidore13
isidore13
6 years ago

In fairness, pole dancing is probably a pretty good Feat of Strength.

A. Noyd
A. Noyd
6 years ago

If there’s a stripper pole in a dude’s apartment and it’s around the holidays, demand a performance like this or like this.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Pole dancing is definitely a feat of strength — you try twirling upside down in high heels! Yeah, I’m gonna pass on risking breaking all my bones.

Leda — aww, I’m sorry you had to give Dylan up. As soon as I can break ground I’m building my little guy a nice big outdoor enclosure full of yummy plants. My brother’s even willing to put in the corner posts, and mom’s gonna spring for the post hole digger. I’m lucky, everyone but my douche father loves the little guy. (Probably doesn’t hurt any that some of his best nom plants are some of my mother’s favorites and now she has an excuse not just to plant them, but to get me to tend to them!)

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Holy…wow, just wow. (Not really SFW, but amazing)

http://youtu.be/c9FS1bxaGTg

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

I just bought toilet paper and no cute guys saw me with it fell in love with me. I guess this tactic only works for the menz?

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

The funny thing is that I did recently bring my husband a phone charger because the cat ate his. I would be thrilled if he volunteered to go pick up some TP and surprised me by bringing home calamari too. Those are little things (like making the coffee if you get up first) that people just do because it’s nice. It is sweet and niceness and sweetness do lead to sexiness.

Having food and toilet paper in the house before you invite someone over for any reason is just what ya do. It is not over and above or seductive.

Of course you are more likely to maintain an adult relationship if you live like a responsible human being with some basic self respect and home training. How is that a revelation? This is like whining that women won’t leap into bed with you if you don’t routinely wipe your own ass.

That is the epitome of no account. If wiping is a basic function you are capable of that you are happy to forgo because you just can’t be bothered, not many people are going to want anything to do with you.

You just know that sex with this sort of dood is like shopping with a cart with a broken wheel:
Alot of pushing and fumbling but nothing much accomplished. The best part is when it’s over and you can go home.

These guys are so passionless. They miss the most basic aspects of human intimacy, attraction and affection. The reason people take care of themselves and treat other people as if they care for and respect them is because they want to. You do it because not neglecting your basic hygiene is the smart thing to do. You do it because your world lights up when they smile.

Notes for clueless duebros:

If you plan to entertain casual lovers in your home you have some fucking respect and keep that home in a way that is welcoming to guests that you are planning to ask to fuck you. Yes you will be more likely to get laid. That will be because you aren’t rude and pathetic. That is basic self care. Don’t be purposefully gross and selfish because those are not awesome things to be.

You know what I think is sexy? Here’s some notes from my lady boner:

We had a wonderful morning this morning. Sunday is great because we’re all well rested and the house is quieter than usual in the am. We all try to keep the house clean and tidy during the week so we can just relax together on the weekend. Hubby made a huge brunch. He and the teen are off gathering supplies to experiment with in the kitchen. They are going to try three different recipes for bacon cookies and taste test them with their friends. I am not down with the idea of bacon cookies. I think that sounds ghastly. But I love that they’re having fun together.

It isn’t fancy. It won’t pass a white glove test. That’s fine. I like being in this environment with this man. The reason I think the world of him is because I should. He’s not tricking me into thinking he’s awesome and thus hotter than the Earth’s core. He just is. I’m into him. Alot.

The moral of that story is:
If you want ladies to like you being likable is a good first step. If they don’t even like you, they probably won’t jump your bones with any regularity.

http://www.ccparkcity.com/Portals/224924/images/property%20management%20park%20city%202.jpg

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

*PUA has toilet paper in his bathroom*
What he thinks: “I have built the perfect love shack.”
comment image

How women continue to respond when propositioned by PUAs:

http://www.mustardcreative.com.au/musings/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/giphy-1.gif
comment image

http://38.media.tumblr.com/b05ecea8f8fcdab469535638a1cd157a/tumblr_mqj32yYlIq1srnh0jo1_500.gif

Lea
Lea
6 years ago
Lea
Lea
6 years ago

I keep unscented baby wipes in my bathrooms. I sometimes keep them in my purse or in the glove box. I see nothing strange about that.

Clean is comfortable.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

@Nequam

I thought that was ’80s cocaine chic.

Yep, that’s an even better description. Livin’ the Drakkar Noir dream!

@Lea Totally agree, it’s a little skeevy to turn one’s apartment into an Alpha Fuck Palace (as opposed to just making it comfortable and welcoming to overnight guests in general, as a side effect of being a functional, considerate adult). Like, isn’t it awkward when their mom or their boss comes over and the place looks like Austin Powers’ lair?

I get that hospitality doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but all that careful D-day planning and scripting kills spontaneity, which is the essence of good sex. If these guys would loosen up and think about what makes a place inviting in general, instead of arranging their entire persona and decor around conquests, they might have better luck.

Annie Squidface
6 years ago

ALPHA PLAYBOY. God, these losers and their internets pseudonyms.

The shame is, this really had the potential of not being at all creepy. Guys who have a lot of one night stands, to the point of buying extra toilet paper, could benefit from some of this advice. Stocking wet wipes, making sure to have extra clean towels, having snacks on hand, is being a fantastic host, but then they wrap it all up in this disgusting language and rub their creep stink all up in it.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

If a guy wants to impress women with pole dancing, he should try this:

It’s not exactly seductive, but it sure as hell is an awesome Feat of Strength.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I’m pretty sure some of these dirtbags learn how to treat ladies from 50 Shades, which taught them superficially respect women with toilet paper and baby wipes because they’re dumb, easy to manipulate and once you get them in bed love being hurt!

Fucking Twilight fanfiction.