So our old pal Christian McQueen the ALPHA PLAYBOY has a prepared a list of “5 Essentials For Your Bachelor Pad (That Will Help You Get Laid).”
Along with some suggestions that are actually sort of thoughtful (baby wipes, a soft blanket), one that’s creepy (buy an assortment of phone chargers so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you), and several that indicate a bit of a fetish for seafood (keep your fridge stocked with oysters, calamari and pre-made shrimp cocktails), he made a suggestion that, well, let’s just say it doesn’t exactly imply good things about his readership:
ALWAYS have toilet paper. You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left. Buy in bulk.
WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.
No, wait, some bears actually DO wipe their asses, and not just the ones in those toilet paper ads.
I’m being informed that this is not an actual bear, so forget that last bit.
But the question remains: WHAT IS IT WITH PICKUP ARTISTS AND BUTT-WIPING?
NOTE TO EXCESSIVELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: Christian McQueen is not actually our pal.
How on earth do they not normally have toilet paper?
This isn’t a thing with ANY of the guys I’ve hung around with, and I mostly have men friends. They *always* have toilet paper.
They may be a little shaky on extra towels, and coffee, depending on the guy, but they *definitely* had lots of toilet paper. What kind of weirdo doesn’t have toilet paper?!
Maybe he waits til he gets to work every day to poop. That way the TP is free.
@Leda,
Welcome! If they’re not wiping their asses already, they really should get on that. Granted, it’s not all that they have to do to seduce women, but it really is the bare minimum. :p
Anyways, this one:
Nope, nope, nope. They can’t tell when a woman is trying to turn me down nicely. No siree, they cannot. They are just totally oblivious. They’re just keeping phone chargers at their house to be nice. It’s totally not a way to get around kindly-phrased rejections. Consent is a weird and mysterious thing to these guys. So mysterious, in fact, that they sometimes don’t even know if the word “no” actually means “no.” Totally.
http://sarcasm.link/en/s/085453.gif
A fridge full of Nanny Ogg’s carrot & oyster pie.
The carrot is so you can see in the dark, the oysters is so you have something to look at.
check her messages and charge her phone, her animals are all alone
Then there’s the immortal words of Bette Davis, relevant to both anti-seduction excuses and South Pacific: “I’d like to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.”
(Lurker since October. First post. Love the site.)
I recall from Dykes To Watch Out For, how to excuse yourself at a queer student party when your chatting partner turns out to be a rightwinger:
“Sorry, I have to go…to charge my ferret.”
So, if a woman so desperately wants to avoid going home with you that she’ll make up a phone-related excuse, the way to win her back is by proving you already suspected she wouldn’t want to go home with you. #PUALogic
I got from that; have relatively nice food, blankets and toilet paper. I mean, why would someone not have that? Why would you only have that stuff on the off chance of getting laid? I really worry about the lads actually needing to learn this. Stock piling the chargers on purpose is creepy though.
And of course, he threw in a Chuck Norris joke.
On a related note I’ve always liked “Sorry, I can’t come into work today. The voices in my head have told me to stay at home and polish my guns”.
^^^^^^
Actually just realised that may well fall down a hole. A Billion apologies and Mods please remove. I am stupid and you would be perfectly entitled to throw rocks at me.
Must post the Aldi advert
http://youtu.be/u8pZkDTKTNw
Chicks, y u gotta be so weird? Why can’t you just wipe your asses with sandpaper like normal people.
What is that, like the PUA equivalent of a room full of dead wives? D: I’d be creeped out by any kind of “trophy-keeping”
After drinking at a nightclub, the last thing I feel like eating is calamari and oysters. Eurgh.
The whole reason he gives for having food on hand is so that there’s no excuse to go out someplace for food, where she might sober up, discover he’s ugly, and decide she has to “get up early for work”. He actually says this. It’s all about getting them back to his place as quickly as possible, while they’re still drunk and pliable.
It’s pretty funny imagining them going out shopping the morning before they go out clubbing. “Let’s see, I need things that chicks are likely to use as cockblocking excuses. What is this so-called ‘toilet paper’ I keep hearing about?”
I hope he’s also given proper consideration as to which way of hanging the toilet paper is guaranteed to get him laid. That’s part of the magic vending machine formula too. Toilet paper hanging down the back = woman leaves in a huff. Toilet paper hanging down the front = sexyfun times!
scallyllama : I think you missed the point of the original list. I intended it to be fully sarcastic, referencing things that PUAs in the past have insisted seduce women but are actually horribly creepy.
OK, I have to confess to the worst chat up line evah. I’m old enough to be pre-mobile phones so when I met Mr BigMomma and we were getting oh so flirty with each other…well, I didn’t lure him back to my student bedroom with the promise of phone charging nirvana, oh no. Instead, I panicked when he walked me to my dorm and it looked like he might bid me good night. “Hey”, I said “you’re studying English?” (he was in the year below at uni). “Why don’t you come to mine and I can show you your course books for next year?”
In my defence, it worked and 24 years on we are married with 2 kids.
@sunnysombrera
Argh, nonononono! I loved your list!
I was actually referring to coming up with something better than the PUA’s list itself by semi-seriously addressing the question of what really would entice a woman to stay.
Not in any way trying to suggest your list required improvement.
Hope that clears things up. 🙂
I LOLdied.
Also, WTF, “pull-out game”? Dude, that is SO not on. Pulling out prevents NOTHING. It is, however, a great way to cause annoyance. I’d advise him to buy condoms, but judging by the way he talks, getting anyone to even come home with him is an obvious pipe dream. Incel confession in 3…2…1…
I really don’t understand PUAs/MRAs. Why do they try to hard to get sex from women they obviously hate? Women they hate so much that the women pick up on it, thus forcing PUAs to try even harder to get sex from them? I mean, really, they think they can go online and refer to women as “cum dumpsters” and think that somehow doesn’t come across when they’re actually talking to women?
I had an asshole vacuum cleaner suck up most of my day once, trying to sell me a vacuum that obviously didn’t work (I have two dogs and it wasn’t even touching the hair on the carpet). I eventually got him out the door by giving him a fake phone number for a “followup”.
I cannot imagine being a woman and having to deal with that kind of shit constantly, from guys who WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. That you talk to any of us at all is a testament to your grace and faith in humanity.
The funny thing about the box of trophies is that you would have to have a lot of sex partners for the box to get anywhere approaching full. Especially since not every woman is going to accidentally leave beauty products behind. Since PUAs are pretty much universally repugnant, I doubt they’re able to do it. I bet there are PUAS out there who bought a bunch of beauty products at the drugstore and tried to pass them off as trophies.
And what if the woman say the box of beauty products and just assumed he had a girlfriend, got mad and left? That would be hilarious.
“Why do you have a dozen lipsticks in that box?”
“Oh, one night stands sometimes forget those. You know how it happens.”
“Why are you saving them? Some of them must be quite old.”
“Uh, they’re kinda like warm memories…”
“Ah. Ok. Listen…That’s kinda cute, but are you sure you can handle casual sex?”
“Owning cats is my go-to seduction move.”
This may not be something I should admit in case any PUAs are reading this article, but I totally trust a guy more when they have cats (or even dogs, but more cats). If you can take care of and love a little animal chances are you are a decent person.
Owning cats is definitely more of a plus than any of McQueen’s creepy shit that makes it look like he’s trying way to hard to get laid by desperately attempting to lure women back to his place with promises of champagne, expensive shellfish, and a large collection of phone chargers.
Also, he keeps referring to vaginas as “you-know-what’s”. Heaven help us.
Is that better, or worse, than referring to va-jay-jays?
Decisions, decisions. Oh, I know. Doesn’t matter. Either way, it’s a no.