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alpha males bears creepy PUA

Seduce the ladies with phone chargers, calamari and toilet paper!

Works every time.
Works every time.

So our old pal Christian McQueen the ALPHA PLAYBOY has a prepared a list of “5 Essentials For Your Bachelor Pad (That Will Help You Get Laid).”

Along with some suggestions that are actually sort of thoughtful (baby wipes, a soft blanket), one that’s creepy (buy an assortment of phone chargers so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you), and several that indicate a bit of a fetish for seafood (keep your fridge stocked with oysters, calamari and pre-made shrimp cocktails), he made a suggestion that, well, let’s just say it doesn’t exactly imply good things about his readership:

ALWAYS have toilet paper. You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left. Buy in bulk.

WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.

No, wait, some bears actually DO wipe their asses, and not just the ones in those toilet paper ads.

I’m being informed that this is not an actual bear, so forget that last bit.

But the question remains: WHAT IS IT WITH PICKUP ARTISTS AND BUTT-WIPING?

NOTE TO EXCESSIVELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: Christian McQueen is not actually our pal.

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Jarnsaxa
Jarnsaxa
6 years ago

How on earth do they not normally have toilet paper?

This isn’t a thing with ANY of the guys I’ve hung around with, and I mostly have men friends. They *always* have toilet paper.

They may be a little shaky on extra towels, and coffee, depending on the guy, but they *definitely* had lots of toilet paper. What kind of weirdo doesn’t have toilet paper?!

Kim
Kim
6 years ago

Maybe he waits til he gets to work every day to poop. That way the TP is free.

alaisvex
alaisvex
6 years ago

@Leda,

Welcome! If they’re not wiping their asses already, they really should get on that. Granted, it’s not all that they have to do to seduce women, but it really is the bare minimum. :p

Anyways, this one:

Girl at the club: “I’d come over, but my phone is dead and I really need to charge it”
You: “What kind of phone do you have?”
Girl: “A Droid”
You: “I have a Droid charger at my spot less than 5 minutes from here. Let’s go charge it”
Slam-dunk.
Having different phone chargers has been one of my ‘secret tools’ I’ve used for years. Make it easy on her and it’ll be easy for you.

Nope, nope, nope. They can’t tell when a woman is trying to turn me down nicely. No siree, they cannot. They are just totally oblivious. They’re just keeping phone chargers at their house to be nice. It’s totally not a way to get around kindly-phrased rejections. Consent is a weird and mysterious thing to these guys. So mysterious, in fact, that they sometimes don’t even know if the word “no” actually means “no.” Totally.

http://sarcasm.link/en/s/085453.gif

Magpie
6 years ago

A fridge full of Nanny Ogg’s carrot & oyster pie.

The carrot is so you can see in the dark, the oysters is so you have something to look at.

Magpie
6 years ago

check her messages and charge her phone, her animals are all alone

suffrajitsu
suffrajitsu
6 years ago

Then there’s the immortal words of Bette Davis, relevant to both anti-seduction excuses and South Pacific: “I’d like to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.”

(Lurker since October. First post. Love the site.)

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
6 years ago

I recall from Dykes To Watch Out For, how to excuse yourself at a queer student party when your chatting partner turns out to be a rightwinger:

“Sorry, I have to go…to charge my ferret.”

dhag85
6 years ago

So, if a woman so desperately wants to avoid going home with you that she’ll make up a phone-related excuse, the way to win her back is by proving you already suspected she wouldn’t want to go home with you. #PUALogic

NonServiam
6 years ago

I got from that; have relatively nice food, blankets and toilet paper. I mean, why would someone not have that? Why would you only have that stuff on the off chance of getting laid? I really worry about the lads actually needing to learn this. Stock piling the chargers on purpose is creepy though.

And of course, he threw in a Chuck Norris joke.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

On a related note I’ve always liked “Sorry, I can’t come into work today. The voices in my head have told me to stay at home and polish my guns”.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

^^^^^^

Actually just realised that may well fall down a hole. A Billion apologies and Mods please remove. I am stupid and you would be perfectly entitled to throw rocks at me.

schwadevivre
6 years ago

Must post the Aldi advert
http://youtu.be/u8pZkDTKTNw

dhag85
6 years ago

Chicks, y u gotta be so weird? Why can’t you just wipe your asses with sandpaper like normal people.

AltoFronto
AltoFronto
6 years ago

a guy who suggested stealing your one-night-stands’ cosmetics and keeping them in a box in a conspicuous place so any woman you bring home would be impressed with your notch count.

What is that, like the PUA equivalent of a room full of dead wives? D: I’d be creeped out by any kind of “trophy-keeping”

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

After drinking at a nightclub, the last thing I feel like eating is calamari and oysters. Eurgh.

The whole reason he gives for having food on hand is so that there’s no excuse to go out someplace for food, where she might sober up, discover he’s ugly, and decide she has to “get up early for work”. He actually says this. It’s all about getting them back to his place as quickly as possible, while they’re still drunk and pliable.

It’s pretty funny imagining them going out shopping the morning before they go out clubbing. “Let’s see, I need things that chicks are likely to use as cockblocking excuses. What is this so-called ‘toilet paper’ I keep hearing about?”

I hope he’s also given proper consideration as to which way of hanging the toilet paper is guaranteed to get him laid. That’s part of the magic vending machine formula too. Toilet paper hanging down the back = woman leaves in a huff. Toilet paper hanging down the front = sexyfun times!

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

scallyllama : I think you missed the point of the original list. I intended it to be fully sarcastic, referencing things that PUAs in the past have insisted seduce women but are actually horribly creepy.

BigMomma
BigMomma
6 years ago

OK, I have to confess to the worst chat up line evah. I’m old enough to be pre-mobile phones so when I met Mr BigMomma and we were getting oh so flirty with each other…well, I didn’t lure him back to my student bedroom with the promise of phone charging nirvana, oh no. Instead, I panicked when he walked me to my dorm and it looked like he might bid me good night. “Hey”, I said “you’re studying English?” (he was in the year below at uni). “Why don’t you come to mine and I can show you your course books for next year?”

In my defence, it worked and 24 years on we are married with 2 kids.

scalyllama
6 years ago

@sunnysombrera

scallyllama : I think you missed the point of the original list. I intended it to be fully sarcastic, referencing things that PUAs in the past have insisted seduce women but are actually horribly creepy.

Argh, nonononono! I loved your list!

I was actually referring to coming up with something better than the PUA’s list itself by semi-seriously addressing the question of what really would entice a woman to stay.

Not in any way trying to suggest your list required improvement.

Hope that clears things up. 🙂

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

“Sorry, I have to go pick my mother up at the airport.”

“No problem! I have your mother at my apartment!”

“…”

“In fact, I have every possible mother you could need. I got the 64-pack at Costco.”

I LOLdied.

Also, WTF, “pull-out game”? Dude, that is SO not on. Pulling out prevents NOTHING. It is, however, a great way to cause annoyance. I’d advise him to buy condoms, but judging by the way he talks, getting anyone to even come home with him is an obvious pipe dream. Incel confession in 3…2…1…

Jay Elmore
6 years ago

I really don’t understand PUAs/MRAs. Why do they try to hard to get sex from women they obviously hate? Women they hate so much that the women pick up on it, thus forcing PUAs to try even harder to get sex from them? I mean, really, they think they can go online and refer to women as “cum dumpsters” and think that somehow doesn’t come across when they’re actually talking to women?

I had an asshole vacuum cleaner suck up most of my day once, trying to sell me a vacuum that obviously didn’t work (I have two dogs and it wasn’t even touching the hair on the carpet). I eventually got him out the door by giving him a fake phone number for a “followup”.

I cannot imagine being a woman and having to deal with that kind of shit constantly, from guys who WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. That you talk to any of us at all is a testament to your grace and faith in humanity.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

The funny thing about the box of trophies is that you would have to have a lot of sex partners for the box to get anywhere approaching full. Especially since not every woman is going to accidentally leave beauty products behind. Since PUAs are pretty much universally repugnant, I doubt they’re able to do it. I bet there are PUAS out there who bought a bunch of beauty products at the drugstore and tried to pass them off as trophies.

And what if the woman say the box of beauty products and just assumed he had a girlfriend, got mad and left? That would be hilarious.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
6 years ago

“Why do you have a dozen lipsticks in that box?”

“Oh, one night stands sometimes forget those. You know how it happens.”

“Why are you saving them? Some of them must be quite old.”

“Uh, they’re kinda like warm memories…”

“Ah. Ok. Listen…That’s kinda cute, but are you sure you can handle casual sex?”

cupisnique
6 years ago

“Owning cats is my go-to seduction move.”

This may not be something I should admit in case any PUAs are reading this article, but I totally trust a guy more when they have cats (or even dogs, but more cats). If you can take care of and love a little animal chances are you are a decent person.

alaisvex
alaisvex
6 years ago

Owning cats is definitely more of a plus than any of McQueen’s creepy shit that makes it look like he’s trying way to hard to get laid by desperately attempting to lure women back to his place with promises of champagne, expensive shellfish, and a large collection of phone chargers.

Also, he keeps referring to vaginas as “you-know-what’s”. Heaven help us.

mildlymagnificent
6 years ago

Also, he keeps referring to vaginas as “you-know-what’s”. Heaven help us.

Is that better, or worse, than referring to va-jay-jays?

Decisions, decisions. Oh, I know. Doesn’t matter. Either way, it’s a no.

mistressoflarry
6 years ago

Pro-Tip: pick a scent you like, since she’s wiping her you-know-what with it. I would avoid fruity scents and stick to baby fresh or powder though.

Fruity scented baby wipes? They even make such a thing? I shouldn’t be surprised. I know this is personal opinion, but I’ve never understood the food smelling bath products. I am not a thing to be eaten/consumed, just no.

So yeah, first off PUAs: GET A REAL HOBBY! How about underwater wielding? Second, if you want to have adult relationships, maybe try learning to use adult language. “you-know-what”, just say it, it won’t hurt.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Anything fruity or baby-scented is a big flashing NOPE to me. I don’t like sugary or childish scents at all.

And LOLing again at the “you-know-what” — no matter what euphemisms these guys use, it’s always gonna sound holy-shit icky.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

blockquote>Also, he keeps referring to vaginas as “you-know-what’s”. Heaven help us.

I don’t think he does know what.

Judging from his blanket advice, he can’t even tell the difference between a vulva and a vagina.

Maybe that’s what the scented fucking baby wipes are really for, so he can find the you-know-what without having to rely on a GPS, which is totes not alpha. In the wild, wolves operate by sense of smell alone. Rawr!

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

Well, my place is well-stocked with blockquote monster chow.

alaisvex
alaisvex
6 years ago

Maybe that’s what the scented fucking baby wipes are really for, so he can find the you-know-what without having to rely on a GPS, which is totes not alpha. In the wild, wolves operate by sense of smell alone. Rawr!

*dies*

And LOLing again at the “you-know-what” — no matter what euphemisms these guys use, it’s always gonna sound holy-shit icky.

The whole thing is really, really sad. He’s supposedly an experienced Casanova, but he can’t even write “vagina,” or even any of its less childish euphemisms.

alaisvex
alaisvex
6 years ago

One girl actually told me that, “I want to be able to throw a blanket over my legs so I can sit on the couch without the vag hanging out”. Yes, she said ‘vag’, ha. I died laughing, but it makes sense.

Yes, I can indeed believe that he died laughing because some woman used a bad word around him. He sounds like he’s basically a middle schooler mentally.

Also…are none of these woman wearing underwear? Shouldn’t that cover up their vulvas?

alaisvex
alaisvex
6 years ago

Not judging if they’re not, btw. I’m just massively confused because I didn’t think that going commando while out at night was a widespread practice.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

I’m still trying to figure out how “it makes sense”. Does he seriously think that women who screw a lot of guys have vaginas that “hang out”? Because that’s a serious medical condition in need of surgical attention, there…

BVH
BVH
6 years ago

This may not be something I should admit in case any PUAs are reading this article, but I totally trust a guy more when they have cats (or even dogs, but more cats). If you can take care of and love a little animal chances are you are a decent person.

While all that’s true, I trust people IRL who have cats because it is the rare cat who will put up with any type of abuse. People who have an affectionate relationship with a cat are also unlikely to be controlling manipulators to your face. Don’t worry about the lurkers…this is something that can’t be faked. We’re talking about CATS. They like you or they don’t.

OTOH I’ve known conartists who have cats they love. It seems the line is while they don’t need to dominate people in their personal relationships, they have no problem tricking and exploiting people they don’t come in direct contact with.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

I use orange scented shampoo. But it’s because I like the smell and because Herbal Essences brand is strong enough to get sort of fine hair clean but gentle enough to not dry it out. That brand hits the sweet spot for my particular hair.

katz
6 years ago

And what if the woman say the box of beauty products and just assumed he had a girlfriend, got mad and left? That would be hilarious.

Or, perhaps the most obvious explanation, saw a box of lipstick and assumed that he liked wearing lipstick.

friday jones
friday jones
6 years ago

The only way I’m being seduced by a guy because he has an Android charger is if he’s riding on it and it whinnies through a built-in loudspeaker.

Kakanian
Kakanian
6 years ago

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that there’s a man out there to whom having no toilet paper in the flat only ever became an issue when he started trying to convince women to have sex with him.

Soup or Man?
Soup or Man?
6 years ago

Oh man. Reading the “Baby Wipes” section…

(From the article) “Classy chicks use baby wipes to wipe their you-know-what.”

” It keeps it fresh and is gentle on their uh-delicate skin down there.”

This guy is fucking twelve! Say it with me. Va-gi-na.

It reminds me of that King of the Hill episode.

He also insists that “chicks love soft blankets”

As a man, I can tell you it’s true. I love blankets rolled in sand and glass, it’s the true way to sleep for a man’s man, man.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

” I love blankets rolled in sand and glass”

Sand!!!!? Real men use gravel.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

These guys really are anatomically ignorant. Vaginas are self cleaning. We do not baby wipes to keep them clean. Basic hygiene like bathing is fine.

It’s cute how they expect us to be obsessed with keeping our vaginas powder fresh at all times but for men, toilet paper is only necessary if they’re trying to get laid.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Um, just a word of warning, my gaslighting narcissist ex had cats. They aren’t a surefire sign that dude isn’t a tool.

autosoma
6 years ago

If these guys forget the toilet paper, what the hell is the lime-scale buildup, skidmarks and pee soaked floor like, l know what my single mates lavs are like uuurgh.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Oh yeah, toilet paper is for manginas. Real men don’t shit in their own bathrooms, because then they would have to clean them. And we all know how PUAs like Roosh are when it comes to keeping things (like themselves) clean…

Sarah
Sarah
6 years ago

Also funny/sad is how the only scenario they contemplate (and universal tenet of PUAism) is that women do not want to have sex with you. And how to trick, coerce and manipulate your way into their vaginas.
Instead of, you know, having an actual connection and mutual interest and mutual attraction so that both parties are actively interested in sex.
’cause, you know, if I’m really into a guy and for some reason I seriously need to charge my phone, I’ll insist that instead we go to my place instead.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

“I’ll insist that instead we go to my place instead”

Ah, but do you have seafood and loo roll?

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

Sometimes dating a douche with a cat equals to you running in his neighbour’s garden coercing said feline, and eventually spending several plasters mending yourself after saving kitty from rose bush. All this while he’s sitting on his sofa drinking beer and laughing at you.

And if that didn’t justify me calling this person a douche while he is not here to defend himself, he would demonstrate the bourden of my presence by hoovering around me every time I ate at his place. While I was eating.
Cat was charming though, chased the news headlines running at the bottom of TV screen. ^_^

Ahhhh that was cleansing! Like hoovering crumbs off my soul.

Ellesar
6 years ago

I have to echo that having companion animals is NOT necessarily a good sign. I am a dog person (sorry), and I would say that maybe 1 man in 10 that I meet with their dogs have a dog because they like to control it. There is also a sad tendency for some of them, and a few others (there is definite overlap) to have a particular breed and treat the dog in a particular way so that they have a ‘scary’ dog.
Watching the way someone treats their dog is a great way of seeing if they are a good person.

phasma
6 years ago

It’s like something get’s shut off in these people’s brains when two XX chromosomes are around

Yeah…how about no? Thanks in advance.

childrenofthebroccoli
childrenofthebroccoli
6 years ago

The real benefit of using cat ownership as a seduction tactic is that even if it fails, you still have a cat to cheer you up.