So our old pal Christian McQueen the ALPHA PLAYBOY has a prepared a list of “5 Essentials For Your Bachelor Pad (That Will Help You Get Laid).”
Along with some suggestions that are actually sort of thoughtful (baby wipes, a soft blanket), one that’s creepy (buy an assortment of phone chargers so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you), and several that indicate a bit of a fetish for seafood (keep your fridge stocked with oysters, calamari and pre-made shrimp cocktails), he made a suggestion that, well, let’s just say it doesn’t exactly imply good things about his readership:
ALWAYS have toilet paper. You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left. Buy in bulk.
WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.
No, wait, some bears actually DO wipe their asses, and not just the ones in those toilet paper ads.
I’m being informed that this is not an actual bear, so forget that last bit.
But the question remains: WHAT IS IT WITH PICKUP ARTISTS AND BUTT-WIPING?
NOTE TO EXCESSIVELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: Christian McQueen is not actually our pal.
I nearly shat myself laughing. Damned irritable bowel. Also, I scared my cat.
@sunnysombrera
10) Catcalling. Make obscene comments to random women and they will just fall into bed with you.
*it’d work
Bad autocorrect! No TP for you!
Enclosed please find one gold-plated Internetz.
@proxieme
I’ve seen this with dynamic with joking too. We can deadpan snark like the next group of maladjusted geeks who’ve watched way too much Black Adder/Monty Python. We throw it back and forth, laughing inside, but deadpan outside. But occasionally there’s a guy who assumes “the girl didn’t LOL so she’s mad”….even if she’s throwing the joke back in real time. It’s like something get’s shut off in these people’s brains when two XX chromosomes are around.
It might be relatively innocent, an assumption the person isn’t familiar with the subculture. But it’s annoying when the woman is giving all the clues she IS part of the subculture. Which means these people aren’t paying attention.
Did someone say tirimisu?
@ParadoxicalIntention
Thanks. I think way too much about this BS. Might as well share it. 😉
Owning cats is my go-to seduction move.
@ej
Oh yes of course! I want to extend the list now.
Hmm. 11) If you’re both on a dating site, send her a picture of your penis with no warning, maybe not even an introduction.
“I have to charge my cell phone”? That’s such a hilariously flimsy excuse – like, “sorry, dude, watching the battery percentage slowly increment on my iphone is way more interesting than having any further interaction with you”. He must get that one a lot if he’s actually gone to the trouble of getting a multi-unit charger.
I also enjoyed this thoughtful tip for dates with prolapsed vaginas:
@WatermelonSugar:
David featured quite the catch sometime last year, a guy who suggested stealing your one-night-stands’ cosmetics and keeping them in a box in a conspicuous place so any woman you bring home would be impressed with your notch count.
I believe the consensus among Mammotheers was All The Nope, Run A Mile.
@Leda Atomica, hello! Great to see you! Have a Welcome Package!
Thank you Falconer! And hello everyone, I’m a long time listener, first time caller and I am all giddy with myself for finally logging in. This blog and comments are gold. Addicting gold.
Also, I am beside myself over my misandrist hardchair, matching towels and mutherfucking candles. 🙂
@buttercup: I know every one of the words he used in that paragraph, it’s the lot of them together that I don’t understand.
@Leda Atomica: Solid gold, I hope, and not liquid fucking gold.
A bear & a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
Bear says to the rabbit, “does shit stick to your fur?”
Rabbit says, “no.”
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Moral of the story: seduce the ladies with bunnies.
Also, says a lot about a bloke if women need to make excuses to go home. You’d think simply “I should go home” would be reasonable enough.
My go-to anti-seduction line is “Sorry, I have to wash my hair…and wash you out of it.”
As you well know, MRAs object to have to wiping their ass just to impress prissy ass, self entitled sluts they hate but absolutely need to have sex with….so that’s who doesn’t have toilet paper. XD
I don’t recall anyone in ’50 Shades of Grey’ wiping their bum. So I’m not sure it really is needed to seduce me…
Then again, maybe the ’50 Shades of Grey’ referred to Grey’s skidmarks.
Speaking of offering food I wouldn’t eat (aka seafood), has anyone ever had a guy pull the move where they order for you instead of letting you do it? I have read/see it happen in books and movies, and the women are often impressed with his take-chargedness, but I can’t imagine a guy having the gall to do it IRL or it ever having a positive outcome.
A guy I used to go out with would order the wine for us at dinner. He was older and I hadn’t really gotten into wine until I started dating him. But I had told him I was good with that in advance. I would not be pleased if a man tried to pick my food for me. I’m semi picky. There are a few things I just don’t eat. Like steak or broccoli. It would be a red flag for me. It just seems controlling.
OMG, is this dude one of those who seriously believe oysters are an aphrodisiac? And that once they’re down her gullet, she’ll find him irresistible? Because that is not how oysters work…not even for me, and I freakin’ LOVE oysters.
I’m sure we could come up with a better list than that!
Leaving aside the whole TP issue, how about:
– milk (soy and cow) for coffee/tea
– tissues by the bedside (so she can clean herself up when “your pull out game is strong” – ugh, I still find that creepy!)
– expensive shampoo, conditioner and body wash
– soft towels
– girl deodorant (smelling like guy Deo when you don’t want to is pretty icky)
– chocolate
Any other suggestions?
Oh! And a hairdryer and GHD.
@Bina But then he’ll stockpile every shampoo and conditioner known to man so you can’t possibly say no!
These guys are basically annoying salespeople, peddling an unwanted product, armed with scripts to block every possible objection.
“Sorry, I have to go pick my mother up at the airport.”
“No problem! I have your mother at my apartment!”
“…”
“In fact, I have every possible mother you could need. I got the 64-pack at Costco.”
Gah, one of the memories I look back on with a cringe is the time I had to take a job selling magazines over the phone. They promised it wasn’t “cold calling”, just informing existing customers on new offers. Anyway, they handed me a script with an answer to any possible hesitation, or even an excuse to get off the phone.
CUSTOMER: “My potatoes are overboiling!”
CALLER: “No problem. Go and take the pot off the cooker, I’ll wait here.”
During my first morning shift I found out there was no reply in my script for
CUSTOMER: “You’re kidding me?! It’s 8am and I have 4 f**king kids to get in two f**king cars!”
I lasted 3 days and quit.