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alpha males bears creepy PUA

Seduce the ladies with phone chargers, calamari and toilet paper!

Works every time.
Works every time.

So our old pal Christian McQueen the ALPHA PLAYBOY has a prepared a list of “5 Essentials For Your Bachelor Pad (That Will Help You Get Laid).”

Along with some suggestions that are actually sort of thoughtful (baby wipes, a soft blanket), one that’s creepy (buy an assortment of phone chargers so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you), and several that indicate a bit of a fetish for seafood (keep your fridge stocked with oysters, calamari and pre-made shrimp cocktails), he made a suggestion that, well, let’s just say it doesn’t exactly imply good things about his readership:

ALWAYS have toilet paper. You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left. Buy in bulk.

WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.

No, wait, some bears actually DO wipe their asses, and not just the ones in those toilet paper ads.

I’m being informed that this is not an actual bear, so forget that last bit.

But the question remains: WHAT IS IT WITH PICKUP ARTISTS AND BUTT-WIPING?

NOTE TO EXCESSIVELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: Christian McQueen is not actually our pal.

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davidgerard
6 years ago

TOTALLY A BEAR

davidgerard
6 years ago

But seriously … why did someone not just video their dog pooping, but then bother to go to YouTube and upload it. PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, possibly using PUA jargon.

WatermelonSugar
WatermelonSugar
6 years ago

MY DOG DOES THAT TOO. Thank holy he is not the only doggy weirdo.

Also, stockpiling seafood? Oysters have a very short shelf life and unless this dude lives DIRECTLY ON THE BEACH, I would be suspect of quality.

Maybe PUA-types find food poisoning sexy?

TrishB
TrishB
6 years ago

Any dog owner know the pose and look in that video. It means get your human ass over here this minute to remove the [dingleberry/dental floss/tinsel/mix tape/yarn/crab grass] out of my ass this minute or the dog will be paralyzed for LIFE!!! This is why smart dog owners always carry extra tissues in their pockets.

CattyGal
CattyGal
6 years ago

Surely it should piss the guy off at not having toilet paper for himself? Honestly I despair I really do! There’s something seriously wrong with their thought process lol.

seraph4377
6 years ago

And if you bring home a woman with a shellfish allergy?

theomegaconstant
6 years ago

Maybe this is just how beta I am, but I think a date of mine would find it odd if I just happened to have several hundred dollars of seafood in my fridge, most of which will go bad overnight. They’d assume I’m either trying WAY too hard to get laid, or that I stole all the fancy food from my office party.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

You should have toilet paper on hand if friends or family come over too. That’s just some basic stuff. And why do you need to buy in bulk? It’s not like toilet paper is difficult to find.

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
6 years ago

Maybe he just means preparing for the entire room full of toilet paper that’ll be necessary after the inevitable bad-seafood poisoning?

BVH
BVH
6 years ago

MY DOG DOES THAT TOO. Thank holy he is not the only doggy weirdo.

Have a cat that does it too. She’s stocky, short legs, built like a bull terrier. Great fighter. Not so flexible with washing though. Hence the butt dragging.

But does she have to do it in the middle of the living room rug?

BVH
BVH
6 years ago

Moving past the butt thing, something this guy wrote is telling about the PUA mentality, and to a lesser degree man who are awkward, at least with women:

You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left.”

Pissed(U.S. use I assume) is rather an over statement. If she’s a friend, it’s more like she’ll just shout, “Oi! The bog roll it out, AGAIN!” You know, exactly like one of his guy friends. If she just met him, sure it’ll be noted, but she probably won’t say anything unless he’s being an ass in other, obvious ways. But angry? More like, “Okaaaaaaay…..” and marked as a possible flag.

It’s like some men thinking a woman with a neutral face is “mad at them” because she’s not smiling like perky Barbie chick. Every critique, no matter how constructive, seems to be filtered through this rejection = anger lens. Any critique from a female is interpreted as rejection and/or anger.

And this could be part of the reason why the react so violently to cultural media critics like Sarkeesian: she’s saying, “Hey, guy this is kinda cheesy/insulting if you think about it.” All they hear is: “VIDEO GAMES EVIL! DESTROY ALL MEN!”

One one hand this is all mad, on the other it’s kinda sad. I’ve had to distance myself from friends who reacted to ANY confrontation, no matter how nice, as if they were being attacked. 24 hour defensiveness is exhausting. The people reacting this way are lonely and miserable. And they can’t figure out why. So it’s the wimmenz fault or summat.

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

or that I stole all the fancy food from my office party.

Embrace the cheap!
Yes, yeeesss, embrace it!

(I pretty much frikkin’ LIVED off of office / reception leftovers when I worked for a Uni while finishing my degree.)

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

So much tiramisu…

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

Every critique, no matter how constructive, seems to be filtered through this rejection = anger lens.

I don’t know why, but I’ve known multiple guys – good guys, really – with that default reaction.

Even make friends – unless I (and other women) are glowingly happy, it means that we’re angrily rejecting their actions or them as people even if our moods have nothing at all to do with any interaction involving them.

Unless I explicitly explain the source of my less-than-giddiness, it means that they’ve failed as men.

????

I think I’ve just figured out the motivation of (at least some of) the guys who’re always trying to get women to smile.

contrapangloss
6 years ago

Bear is adorable: it must be said.

proxieme
proxieme
6 years ago

Even male friends*

contrapangloss
6 years ago

Also, if I said “I need to go home and charge my phone” and zie said “Come with me; you can use my charger,” I’d be worried.

Caro
Caro
6 years ago

I don’t know about y’all but nothing gets me going like a full roll of toilet paper.

ParadoxicalIntention
6 years ago

Really nice analysis, BVH!

I really don’t understand why one, you would need tons of seafood, two, you would be creepy enough to need phone chargers to make sure “she doesn’t get away”, and three, my family buys toilet paper in bulk, but that’s because we have seven people living in our house, so I don’t know why you would need it in bulk if you live alone.

I would just think you really use a lot of toilet paper on your pooper.

WatermelonSugar
WatermelonSugar
6 years ago

Also, if I said “I need to go home and charge my phone” and zie said “Come with me; you can use my charger,” I’d be worried.

…and then this person pulls out the charger your need, out of a drawer full of every phone charger imaginable. Yeah, that wouldn’t be extra, extra creepy at all. Nope. Not. At. All.

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

Maybe he should start charming the ladies by wiping his butt?
(I can’t believe this is my first comment here.)

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

I would just think you really use a lot of toilet paper on your pooper.

Or that you have the runs, in which case why the hell would I want to be having sex with you?

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

@Caro

Ten Things That Seduce The Ladies!

1) A full roll of toilet paper.
2) Being talked down to like they’re a child.
3) Having their hand forcibly placed on your dick.
4) Being physically picked up and carried away from her friends in a bar.
5) Everything that’s in 50 Shades of Grey. EVERYTHING.
6) Persistence. They love it when you don’t take no for an answer.
7) Aggressive posturing/tone of voice. Women live a dominant alpha! The more you scare her the better. Girls always go for assholes.
8) NLP in the form of really odd questions and monologues.

…Help with two more?

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

9) Choking. Just go up to a random woman and put your hand round her throat.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

My first thought at the title? “I’d work if you’re a cat” I am disappointed by the lack of cats in this post.

As for phone chargers, I’d be one thing to offer your might-be-compatible charger, and then leave it at that, but this is clearly far from a nice gesture by someone with your phone model!

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.

I nearly shat myself laughing. Damned irritable bowel. Also, I scared my cat.

ej
ej
6 years ago

@sunnysombrera

10) Catcalling. Make obscene comments to random women and they will just fall into bed with you.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

*it’d work

Bad autocorrect! No TP for you!

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Also, stockpiling seafood? Oysters have a very short shelf life and unless this dude lives DIRECTLY ON THE BEACH, I would be suspect of quality.

Enclosed please find one gold-plated Internetz.

BVH
BVH
6 years ago

@proxieme

I’ve seen this with dynamic with joking too. We can deadpan snark like the next group of maladjusted geeks who’ve watched way too much Black Adder/Monty Python. We throw it back and forth, laughing inside, but deadpan outside. But occasionally there’s a guy who assumes “the girl didn’t LOL so she’s mad”….even if she’s throwing the joke back in real time. It’s like something get’s shut off in these people’s brains when two XX chromosomes are around.

It might be relatively innocent, an assumption the person isn’t familiar with the subculture. But it’s annoying when the woman is giving all the clues she IS part of the subculture. Which means these people aren’t paying attention.

Did someone say tirimisu?

BVH
BVH
6 years ago

@ParadoxicalIntention

Thanks. I think way too much about this BS. Might as well share it. 😉

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

@ej
Oh yes of course! I want to extend the list now.

Hmm. 11) If you’re both on a dating site, send her a picture of your penis with no warning, maybe not even an introduction.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

“I have to charge my cell phone”? That’s such a hilariously flimsy excuse – like, “sorry, dude, watching the battery percentage slowly increment on my iphone is way more interesting than having any further interaction with you”. He must get that one a lot if he’s actually gone to the trouble of getting a multi-unit charger.

I also enjoyed this thoughtful tip for dates with prolapsed vaginas:

For them, being able to take their shoes off, curl their feet underneath their legs on your couch and not have their you-know-what hanging out defines comfort. One girl actually told me that, “I want to be able to throw a blanket over my legs so I can sit on the couch without the vag hanging out”. Yes, she said ‘vag’, ha. I died laughing, but it makes sense.

Falconer
6 years ago

@WatermelonSugar:

…and then this person pulls out the charger your need, out of a drawer full of every phone charger imaginable. Yeah, that wouldn’t be extra, extra creepy at all. Nope. Not. At. All.

David featured quite the catch sometime last year, a guy who suggested stealing your one-night-stands’ cosmetics and keeping them in a box in a conspicuous place so any woman you bring home would be impressed with your notch count.

I believe the consensus among Mammotheers was All The Nope, Run A Mile.

@Leda Atomica, hello! Great to see you! Have a Welcome Package!

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

Thank you Falconer! And hello everyone, I’m a long time listener, first time caller and I am all giddy with myself for finally logging in. This blog and comments are gold. Addicting gold.

Also, I am beside myself over my misandrist hardchair, matching towels and mutherfucking candles. 🙂

Falconer
6 years ago

@buttercup: I know every one of the words he used in that paragraph, it’s the lot of them together that I don’t understand.

Falconer
6 years ago

@Leda Atomica: Solid gold, I hope, and not liquid fucking gold.

Doug
Doug
6 years ago

A bear & a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
Bear says to the rabbit, “does shit stick to your fur?”
Rabbit says, “no.”
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Moral of the story: seduce the ladies with bunnies.

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

Also, says a lot about a bloke if women need to make excuses to go home. You’d think simply “I should go home” would be reasonable enough.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

My go-to anti-seduction line is “Sorry, I have to wash my hair…and wash you out of it.”

ktrantingredhead
6 years ago

As you well know, MRAs object to have to wiping their ass just to impress prissy ass, self entitled sluts they hate but absolutely need to have sex with….so that’s who doesn’t have toilet paper. XD

Jennifer King
Jennifer King
6 years ago

I don’t recall anyone in ’50 Shades of Grey’ wiping their bum. So I’m not sure it really is needed to seduce me…

Then again, maybe the ’50 Shades of Grey’ referred to Grey’s skidmarks.

Kim
Kim
6 years ago

Speaking of offering food I wouldn’t eat (aka seafood), has anyone ever had a guy pull the move where they order for you instead of letting you do it? I have read/see it happen in books and movies, and the women are often impressed with his take-chargedness, but I can’t imagine a guy having the gall to do it IRL or it ever having a positive outcome.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

A guy I used to go out with would order the wine for us at dinner. He was older and I hadn’t really gotten into wine until I started dating him. But I had told him I was good with that in advance. I would not be pleased if a man tried to pick my food for me. I’m semi picky. There are a few things I just don’t eat. Like steak or broccoli. It would be a red flag for me. It just seems controlling.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

OMG, is this dude one of those who seriously believe oysters are an aphrodisiac? And that once they’re down her gullet, she’ll find him irresistible? Because that is not how oysters work…not even for me, and I freakin’ LOVE oysters.

scalyllama
6 years ago

I’m sure we could come up with a better list than that!

Leaving aside the whole TP issue, how about:

– milk (soy and cow) for coffee/tea
– tissues by the bedside (so she can clean herself up when “your pull out game is strong” – ugh, I still find that creepy!)
– expensive shampoo, conditioner and body wash
– soft towels
– girl deodorant (smelling like guy Deo when you don’t want to is pretty icky)
– chocolate

Any other suggestions?

scalyllama
6 years ago

Oh! And a hairdryer and GHD.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

@Bina But then he’ll stockpile every shampoo and conditioner known to man so you can’t possibly say no!

These guys are basically annoying salespeople, peddling an unwanted product, armed with scripts to block every possible objection.

“Sorry, I have to go pick my mother up at the airport.”

“No problem! I have your mother at my apartment!”

“…”

“In fact, I have every possible mother you could need. I got the 64-pack at Costco.”

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

Gah, one of the memories I look back on with a cringe is the time I had to take a job selling magazines over the phone. They promised it wasn’t “cold calling”, just informing existing customers on new offers. Anyway, they handed me a script with an answer to any possible hesitation, or even an excuse to get off the phone.

CUSTOMER: “My potatoes are overboiling!”

CALLER: “No problem. Go and take the pot off the cooker, I’ll wait here.”

During my first morning shift I found out there was no reply in my script for

CUSTOMER: “You’re kidding me?! It’s 8am and I have 4 f**king kids to get in two f**king cars!”

I lasted 3 days and quit.

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