So our old pal Christian McQueen the ALPHA PLAYBOY has a prepared a list of “5 Essentials For Your Bachelor Pad (That Will Help You Get Laid).”
Along with some suggestions that are actually sort of thoughtful (baby wipes, a soft blanket), one that’s creepy (buy an assortment of phone chargers so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you), and several that indicate a bit of a fetish for seafood (keep your fridge stocked with oysters, calamari and pre-made shrimp cocktails), he made a suggestion that, well, let’s just say it doesn’t exactly imply good things about his readership:
ALWAYS have toilet paper. You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left. Buy in bulk.
WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.
No, wait, some bears actually DO wipe their asses, and not just the ones in those toilet paper ads.
I’m being informed that this is not an actual bear, so forget that last bit.
But the question remains: WHAT IS IT WITH PICKUP ARTISTS AND BUTT-WIPING?
NOTE TO EXCESSIVELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: Christian McQueen is not actually our pal.
TOTALLY A BEAR
But seriously … why did someone not just video their dog pooping, but then bother to go to YouTube and upload it. PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, possibly using PUA jargon.
MY DOG DOES THAT TOO. Thank holy he is not the only doggy weirdo.
Also, stockpiling seafood? Oysters have a very short shelf life and unless this dude lives DIRECTLY ON THE BEACH, I would be suspect of quality.
Maybe PUA-types find food poisoning sexy?
Any dog owner know the pose and look in that video. It means get your human ass over here this minute to remove the [dingleberry/dental floss/tinsel/mix tape/yarn/crab grass] out of my ass this minute or the dog will be paralyzed for LIFE!!! This is why smart dog owners always carry extra tissues in their pockets.
Surely it should piss the guy off at not having toilet paper for himself? Honestly I despair I really do! There’s something seriously wrong with their thought process lol.
And if you bring home a woman with a shellfish allergy?
Maybe this is just how beta I am, but I think a date of mine would find it odd if I just happened to have several hundred dollars of seafood in my fridge, most of which will go bad overnight. They’d assume I’m either trying WAY too hard to get laid, or that I stole all the fancy food from my office party.
You should have toilet paper on hand if friends or family come over too. That’s just some basic stuff. And why do you need to buy in bulk? It’s not like toilet paper is difficult to find.
Maybe he just means preparing for the entire room full of toilet paper that’ll be necessary after the inevitable bad-seafood poisoning?
Have a cat that does it too. She’s stocky, short legs, built like a bull terrier. Great fighter. Not so flexible with washing though. Hence the butt dragging.
But does she have to do it in the middle of the living room rug?
Moving past the butt thing, something this guy wrote is telling about the PUA mentality, and to a lesser degree man who are awkward, at least with women:
Pissed(U.S. use I assume) is rather an over statement. If she’s a friend, it’s more like she’ll just shout, “Oi! The bog roll it out, AGAIN!” You know, exactly like one of his guy friends. If she just met him, sure it’ll be noted, but she probably won’t say anything unless he’s being an ass in other, obvious ways. But angry? More like, “Okaaaaaaay…..” and marked as a possible flag.
It’s like some men thinking a woman with a neutral face is “mad at them” because she’s not smiling like perky Barbie chick. Every critique, no matter how constructive, seems to be filtered through this rejection = anger lens. Any critique from a female is interpreted as rejection and/or anger.
And this could be part of the reason why the react so violently to cultural media critics like Sarkeesian: she’s saying, “Hey, guy this is kinda cheesy/insulting if you think about it.” All they hear is: “VIDEO GAMES EVIL! DESTROY ALL MEN!”
One one hand this is all mad, on the other it’s kinda sad. I’ve had to distance myself from friends who reacted to ANY confrontation, no matter how nice, as if they were being attacked. 24 hour defensiveness is exhausting. The people reacting this way are lonely and miserable. And they can’t figure out why. So it’s the wimmenz fault or summat.
Embrace the cheap!
Yes, yeeesss, embrace it!
(I pretty much frikkin’ LIVED off of office / reception leftovers when I worked for a Uni while finishing my degree.)
So much tiramisu…
I don’t know why, but I’ve known multiple guys – good guys, really – with that default reaction.
Even make friends – unless I (and other women) are glowingly happy, it means that we’re angrily rejecting their actions or them as people even if our moods have nothing at all to do with any interaction involving them.
Unless I explicitly explain the source of my less-than-giddiness, it means that they’ve failed as men.
????
I think I’ve just figured out the motivation of (at least some of) the guys who’re always trying to get women to smile.
Bear is adorable: it must be said.
Even male friends*
Also, if I said “I need to go home and charge my phone” and zie said “Come with me; you can use my charger,” I’d be worried.
I don’t know about y’all but nothing gets me going like a full roll of toilet paper.
Really nice analysis, BVH!
I really don’t understand why one, you would need tons of seafood, two, you would be creepy enough to need phone chargers to make sure “she doesn’t get away”, and three, my family buys toilet paper in bulk, but that’s because we have seven people living in our house, so I don’t know why you would need it in bulk if you live alone.
I would just think you really use a lot of toilet paper on your pooper.
…and then this person pulls out the charger your need, out of a drawer full of every phone charger imaginable. Yeah, that wouldn’t be extra, extra creepy at all. Nope. Not. At. All.
Maybe he should start charming the ladies by wiping his butt?
(I can’t believe this is my first comment here.)
Or that you have the runs, in which case why the hell would I want to be having sex with you?
@Caro
Ten Things That Seduce The Ladies!
1) A full roll of toilet paper.
2) Being talked down to like they’re a child.
3) Having their hand forcibly placed on your dick.
4) Being physically picked up and carried away from her friends in a bar.
5) Everything that’s in 50 Shades of Grey. EVERYTHING.
6) Persistence. They love it when you don’t take no for an answer.
7) Aggressive posturing/tone of voice. Women live a dominant alpha! The more you scare her the better. Girls always go for assholes.
8) NLP in the form of really odd questions and monologues.
…Help with two more?
9) Choking. Just go up to a random woman and put your hand round her throat.
My first thought at the title? “I’d work if you’re a cat” I am disappointed by the lack of cats in this post.
As for phone chargers, I’d be one thing to offer your might-be-compatible charger, and then leave it at that, but this is clearly far from a nice gesture by someone with your phone model!