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alpha males bears creepy PUA

Seduce the ladies with phone chargers, calamari and toilet paper!

Works every time.
Works every time.

So our old pal Christian McQueen the ALPHA PLAYBOY has a prepared a list of “5 Essentials For Your Bachelor Pad (That Will Help You Get Laid).”

Along with some suggestions that are actually sort of thoughtful (baby wipes, a soft blanket), one that’s creepy (buy an assortment of phone chargers so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you), and several that indicate a bit of a fetish for seafood (keep your fridge stocked with oysters, calamari and pre-made shrimp cocktails), he made a suggestion that, well, let’s just say it doesn’t exactly imply good things about his readership:

ALWAYS have toilet paper. You might wipe your ass with sandpaper, but nothing will piss a chick off more than going to wipe and there’s one dangling sheet of TP left. Buy in bulk.

WHAT THE HELL, WHO DOESN’T HAVE TOILET PAPER, ARE YOU WRITING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF BEARS.

No, wait, some bears actually DO wipe their asses, and not just the ones in those toilet paper ads.

I’m being informed that this is not an actual bear, so forget that last bit.

But the question remains: WHAT IS IT WITH PICKUP ARTISTS AND BUTT-WIPING?

NOTE TO EXCESSIVELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: Christian McQueen is not actually our pal.

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lith
lith
5 years ago

@WWTH:

I just bought toilet paper and no cute guys saw me with it fell in love with me. I guess this tactic only works for the menz?

Sorry to break the news but it’s only women that get turned on by ‘TP’, men wouldn’t ever buy/use it otherwise. Apparently.

I’m starting to build this mental Venn diagram with MRAs in one circle and ‘people that don’t wipe’ in the other, only it’s almost totally overlapping.

Sam
Sam
5 years ago

Well…. having toilet paper *IS* good advice if you plan to have guests of any sort over.

“so she can’t use “I have to recharge my phone” as an excuse to not go home with you”

That’s scary. If she’s looking for excuses not to go home with you, why would you want to back her into a corner where she has to just say she doesn’t want to? Let her go, and see if she changes her mind later.

lith
lith
5 years ago

@Sam:

If she’s looking for excuses not to go home with you, why would you want to back her into a corner where she has to just say she doesn’t want to?

and the answer to that pretty much sums up the mrightsers, it’s got it all.

– Power/domination.
– …

Hm. I was going to put sex and various other things but realised it all seems to come back to that one.
Sex is just an example of something that women ‘have’ that these guys can ‘take’ by force of will or trickery, I’m not sure it’s a genuine end goal for all of them. Though with an attitude like that they aren’t likely to get it any other way.
If it was just the sex I guess the ‘soft cuckold’ (I hate that phrase) wouldn’t be a thing.

My guess is that if a woman can be tricked into it she validates the ‘women are less intelligent than men’ view, if she puts up a struggle but goes through with it anyway it proves women are weak and need protecting.
If they refuse they probably still manage to prove the above somehow, with the twisted logic I’ve seen in most of their rants. Either that or they’re discounted due to being a lesbian or worse still a feminist. Because there’s no way they could be the bad guy or just plain fail.

Tracy
5 years ago

We keep baby wipes on hand for one of our cats who has a prolapsed rectum. She’s stocky and stubby and can’t reach back there very well, so we have to clean her or else she looks like she slid down a Snickers bar.

Is it just me, or is the idea of a one-night-stand whipping out a shrimp ring and crudite platter once you’re back at his place a little American Psycho-ish? I’d be nervously waiting for him to put on a splatter guard and some Huey Lewis & The News, and then mentally mapping out all possible escape routes.

Tod Kelly
5 years ago

I have to confess, I find Christian McQueen’s clueless innocence a wee bit endearing. It’s hard to read this piece of advice and not extrapolate back through his dating life. In fact, I kind of want to do it right here:

**THE ALPA PLAYBOY PHONECORD ORIGIN STORY**

McQueen: Thanks again for meeting me here at Applebees! I totally told you on FlirtOn you’d be glad we came here!

Random, Unlucky Woman: Yes, I’m actually quite glad I insisted on meeting somewhere really pubic.

McQ: Hey, now that we’ve had a chance for me to try some of my Alpha Playboy moves on you you’re probably pretty impressed. Admit it — you’re not going to soon forget my sweet “negs.”

RUW: You mean you’re telling me my rack was a 9 my my face was only a 6 when you introduced yourself? Yeah, pretty sure I’ll never be able to fully scrub that out of my brain.

McQ: So, how bout you come back to my place for a nightcap?

RUW: Thanks, but no. It’s late. I need to be going.

McQ: Late? It’s 6:30! We’ve only been here for 20 minutes! The nights young!

RUW: Yeah, but I’ve got to go home to… ummm… charge my phone? Yes. Charge my phone. I need to go home to do that.

McQ: What kind of phone do you have?

RUW: iPhone 5.

McQ: What a coincid–

RUW: I mean iPhone 6.

McQ: Wow, small world! I just bought a new iPh-

RUW: I mean Android.

[Later than night, after a trip to Radio Shack]

McQ: With these 43 new and unique phone chargers, I’ll be totally ready for my next date. Look out, ladies! Alpha Playboy is on the prowl!

{and…. scene.}

alaisvex
alaisvex
5 years ago

@Tracy
Agreed. I’m surprised that McQueen didn’t advise them to start lecturing women in clubs on ’80s pop trends because women are too shallow and focused on modern pop and it’d be a great way to neg them while charming the with your smarts. Or some such bullshit.

davidknewton
davidknewton
5 years ago

I went on there and asked about what people use instead of toilet paper if it’s something they specifically need to stock up on, but it was removed from the moderation queue without comment. Perhaps bum-wiping just isn’t alpha enough.

Dodom
Dodom
5 years ago

Tod, your scenario makes me want to always take an empty tin with a string on the bottom when going out, just in case I’m asked about my phone.

davidknewton
davidknewton
5 years ago

I want to acknowledge that I have now received a reply to the toilet paper question. To save you a click, the response was:

-Sandpaper
-Hand towels
-The carpet

I’m not sure what to make of this.