So our old friend Paul Elam has launched a new cooking column for Men Going Their Own Way. I mentioned it yesterday but hadn’t gotten around to reading his first installment. Intrigued by the quotes some of my readers were posting in the comments here, I actually went over to A Voice for Men and read it.
Alas, there were no recipes, but Elam wasn’t shy about dispensing some RED PILL WISDOM about the fine art science of eating stuff.
And so I would like to share with you the 8 Manliest Sentences from Elam’s “Eating MGTOW: Learn the food, dude.”
Plus some additional thoughts from Elam than I was able to access with my amazing powers of extrasensory perception.
1) “If I had to give an actual name to my approach to eating, it would be called “The Knowledge Diet.”
Screw all you ladies and lady-men and your illogical, emotion-driven approach to eating! Real men eat RATIONALLY. We do everything rationally. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FOOD FEELS.
2) “Let’s start with some basic facts, and by facts I mean what I believe to be true.”
You think your facts are facts? ONLY MY FACTS ARE FACTS. BECAUSE I SAID SO, that’s why.
3) “The United States Sugar Corporation has killed more people than RJ Reynolds, Philip Morris, and street corner drug dealers have ever dreamed of.”
Yeah, try to argue with this FACT. You can’t! Because I can’t hear you! I’ve got my fingers in my ears! Nanny nanny boo boo, I can’t hear you.
4) “The agendas running rampant in food journalism make #gamergate, by comparison, small potatoes.”
And small potatoes are bad. So are big potatoes. DON’T EAT POTATOES. POTATOES ARE DEATH. POTATOES HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A MILLION CHARLES MANSONS.
5-6) “In America, food scams being conducted by the USDA in concert with food producers have inspired an ongoing cultural war between differing camps of Food Nazi Clones. Some of their battles can make heated abortion debate seem like a friendly chat over tea and biscuits.”
Ah, tea and biscuits! What could be more pleasant? Stay tuned next week for my delicious biscuit recipe!
Hah! Did you fall for that clever ruse, you filthy girly-men? I don’t have a biscuit recipe. BISCUITS ARE DEATH. BISCUITS HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A BILLION TITANICS YOU KNOW THE SHIP NOT THE MOVIE.
7) “Fat is your friend, and without it you will die.”
Stay tuned next week for my bacon-wrapped bacon recipe! IT MAY WELL SAVE YOUR LIFE. EAT BACON IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
8) “Nothing says Going Your Own Way like driving past the grocery store with a smile on your face.”
Screw you, ladies! No grocery stores for me! Because manly eaters PRODUCE the FOOD they eat! By the way, does anyone know how to get chicken poop out of a shag rug? Actually, scratch that, does anyone know how to get chickens out of a condo? I mean, ok, confession time: I set up a couple of chicken coops in the corner of the living room while my girlfriend was out-of-town – yeah Men Going Their Own Way can have girlfriends so screw you – and, well, I think I might have bought roosters by mistake and several of those angry bastards have gotten loose and roosters are way more aggressive than you might think. Anyway, long story short, I’m trapped in the den and I’m running out of food – at least of RATIONAL MAN FOOD and I may be forced to eat a wafer.
Also, speaking of eating, I think the roosters might have eaten my girlfriend.
Please send money.
I have a beautiful stew that is easy to heat and serve up without interfering with the mega cooking going on in the kitchen for the Christmas Eve festivities.
However, there’s the other problem which is that a pound of vegetables is a lot more food than a pound of a meat product. For instance, people like to hold up broccoli as a good source of calcium. But to get the calcium of a cup of milk, you’d have to eat a whole head of broccoli. I like broccoli, but I don’t like it that much.
Vegetables just take up a lot more space in the stomach than a lot of animal based products, which makes it harder to get your nutrients with a vegetarian or a vegan diet.
(Disclaimer: I have no problem whatsoever with vegetarian or vegan diets and I am not one of those people who claims it is unhealthy or hypocritical or anything bad. Please be a vegetarian or a vegan if you wish. I’m just saying that animal products can deliver nutrients in a package that more easily fits in the limited space of our stomachs and the limited time in our lives.)
I guess the first two sentences in my first paragraph weren’t actually directly related. Editing fail 🙂 Someone hook me up with JB’s agent.
I’m sitting here eating breakfast and loving this thread! All those cooking comics are hilarious (and Wolverine making paper dolls has all the win) but it’s Paulie trapped by savage roosters that’s the best.
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/GPIKKysFaIo/hqdefault.jpg
@Falconer:
A million years late, I know, but Thor’s actually addressing Captain Universe in that panel. (She’s the one in the white and black. … Marvel’s big on captains for some reason. I wonder if they have to address that in editing meetings: “Books cannot have more than one captain in an issue. If we break this rule, then we must have some shenanigans regarding crossed lines of communications.”) That _is_ Carol Danvers in that panel, on the right, but I couldn’t tell you if it was before or after she took the Captain Marvel title. (I don’t read Avengers. I’d wager it was before, though.)
At least for Americans like myself, I think the fact that you have to consume more material to get the same amount of nutrition is the point.
@Mewens: So who’s that in the black and white (she has starbursts on her front, I can’t remember if that’s shown) and the full-face mask? I thought that was Captain Marvel.
Too right Marvel loves its Captains. Nextwave has a guy just called The Captain.
http://www.captainbluehen.com/wp-content/Nextwave-01-Page-01.jpg
http://i103.photobucket.com/albums/m126/stoopidtallkid/Nextwave203.jpg
Actually, since you used calcium as an example, the calcium in plant products is far more absorbable than animal based products, and it doesn’t come with all of the icky extras in animal based products (high fat content which leads to cholesterol and heart disease). Plus, broccoli isn’t the *only* source of calcium. Pick a green, any green, and there’s your calcium. Nuts, legumes, fruit: those are all calcium sources too. Want as much calcium in a glass of cow’s milk without having to eat “yucky vegetables”? Fortified soy milk has just as much and works just as well.
http://youtu.be/x_CAqpBnd5E
http://youtu.be/UdwHdXa85NE
Ha, no, that’s Captain Universe (the black-and-white, starburst, full mask, red-lensed goggles). I don’t know much about her, other than she spent the “Infinity” crossover in a coma and Steve Ditko did pencils on the original run. (I suspect that, like Doc Strange, she’s so powerful that the writers have to conveniently put her out of commission during the world-shattering events so she doesn’t just punch the villain du jour into next year.)
Carol Danvers, who’s now calling herself Captain Marvel, is the blonde one in the red-and-blue with yellow accents on the right (and in a full mask about half the time; she puts it on when things get real, or when she’s at a bbq, apparently).
Seriously, Real Men Don’t Cook Quiche came out in what, 1982? Certainly better recipes than what this amateur will give us.
Paul Elam, less competent than a falling baker.
I apologize in advance.
@kirbywarp
I always had an incredible fondness for The Breadmaster’s sidekick, Buttery Pat. I could never tell if he was the Breadmaster’s assistant turned butter in a horrible experiment, or if he was butter made sentient.
The Breadmaster makes another appearance in The Tick vs. Europe, featuring such gems as Eastern Bloc Robot Cowboy, a supervillain brain in a vending machine.
http://youtu.be/SWnG_gTn2AY
(Why yes, I am a fan of the absurd. I’m currently enjoying an anime called Polar Bear’s Cafe, which…is about a cafe run by a polar bear.)
http://www.plastikitty.com/wp-content/uploads/PolarBearCafe.jpg
The worst part about being a vegetarian is how much non-vegetarians want to talk about it. From the Ticker Max wannabes to the “I just couldn’t live without meat.” people. Though the latter are much less obnoxious most of the time. People get really defensive about eating meat sometimes without any provocation, other than vegetarianism coming up in passing.
Still, this is just an annoyance. Usually ends quickly.
Tanya, I think you missed the part where Ramen is the only food. No butter, no toast, no veggies, no cheese, no fake cheese, no salad greens, no pasta sauce, no tomato soup…nothing but Ramen. There’s really only one thing you can do with nothing but Ramen, and that’s Ramen. Been poor, know all the Ramen tricks, it only works when there is something else, and top misandrist Elam demands that his followers eat nothing but Ramen and send all of their money to him.
@Falconer. Huh, so it is. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the chef is Bill Gaines (MAD Editor-in-Chief for decades).
“The agendas running rampant in food journalism make #gamergate, by comparison, small potatoes.”
Oh fuck. Do I smell #foodgate? Do we need to now focus on the ethics in food journalism? Do SJWs and feminists need to leave food alone? Are we going to get a rash of claims that only men really eat and appreciate food?
@Falconer, Nequam
Synchronicity. I’m in the middle of re-reading Frank Jacob’s The Mad World of William M. Gaines (I first read it 40 years ago.)
Corrections based on current re-reading: Gaines was the publisher of Mad, not the editor.
The model isn’t Gaines. But it looks like it could be Mad’s assistant art director, Leonard “the Beard” Brenner.
Damn HTML. Or should I say, Damn HTML.
Why yes, I do believe that’s what’s cookin’, all right. After all, the PUAs latched onto Gamergate, so why shouldn’t the MRAs start Foodgate? Assuming that anyone wants to fight them for it, that is.
>chorus of loud snores from the Peanut Gallery<
Begun, the food nazi clone wars have!
LOL!
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6967/1040/320/Yoda_cooking.jpg
@Bina
Actually Maria was a soviet sniper, she just got turned into an Uber.
@Katz
So is this the timeline where Logan never stopped smoking in Cerebro?
I don’t think so; it’s from Astonishing X-Men and IIRC he’s under mind control, but I freely admit that I didn’t have a clue what was going on in Astonishing X-Men.
I’m still trying to comprehend whatever the Hell Magneto was doing back in 2001.