So our old friend Paul Elam has launched a new cooking column for Men Going Their Own Way. I mentioned it yesterday but hadn’t gotten around to reading his first installment. Intrigued by the quotes some of my readers were posting in the comments here, I actually went over to A Voice for Men and read it.
Alas, there were no recipes, but Elam wasn’t shy about dispensing some RED PILL WISDOM about the fine art science of eating stuff.
And so I would like to share with you the 8 Manliest Sentences from Elam’s “Eating MGTOW: Learn the food, dude.”
Plus some additional thoughts from Elam than I was able to access with my amazing powers of extrasensory perception.
1) “If I had to give an actual name to my approach to eating, it would be called “The Knowledge Diet.”
Screw all you ladies and lady-men and your illogical, emotion-driven approach to eating! Real men eat RATIONALLY. We do everything rationally. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FOOD FEELS.
2) “Let’s start with some basic facts, and by facts I mean what I believe to be true.”
You think your facts are facts? ONLY MY FACTS ARE FACTS. BECAUSE I SAID SO, that’s why.
3) “The United States Sugar Corporation has killed more people than RJ Reynolds, Philip Morris, and street corner drug dealers have ever dreamed of.”
Yeah, try to argue with this FACT. You can’t! Because I can’t hear you! I’ve got my fingers in my ears! Nanny nanny boo boo, I can’t hear you.
4) “The agendas running rampant in food journalism make #gamergate, by comparison, small potatoes.”
And small potatoes are bad. So are big potatoes. DON’T EAT POTATOES. POTATOES ARE DEATH. POTATOES HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A MILLION CHARLES MANSONS.
5-6) “In America, food scams being conducted by the USDA in concert with food producers have inspired an ongoing cultural war between differing camps of Food Nazi Clones. Some of their battles can make heated abortion debate seem like a friendly chat over tea and biscuits.”
Ah, tea and biscuits! What could be more pleasant? Stay tuned next week for my delicious biscuit recipe!
Hah! Did you fall for that clever ruse, you filthy girly-men? I don’t have a biscuit recipe. BISCUITS ARE DEATH. BISCUITS HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A BILLION TITANICS YOU KNOW THE SHIP NOT THE MOVIE.
7) “Fat is your friend, and without it you will die.”
Stay tuned next week for my bacon-wrapped bacon recipe! IT MAY WELL SAVE YOUR LIFE. EAT BACON IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
8) “Nothing says Going Your Own Way like driving past the grocery store with a smile on your face.”
Screw you, ladies! No grocery stores for me! Because manly eaters PRODUCE the FOOD they eat! By the way, does anyone know how to get chicken poop out of a shag rug? Actually, scratch that, does anyone know how to get chickens out of a condo? I mean, ok, confession time: I set up a couple of chicken coops in the corner of the living room while my girlfriend was out-of-town – yeah Men Going Their Own Way can have girlfriends so screw you – and, well, I think I might have bought roosters by mistake and several of those angry bastards have gotten loose and roosters are way more aggressive than you might think. Anyway, long story short, I’m trapped in the den and I’m running out of food – at least of RATIONAL MAN FOOD and I may be forced to eat a wafer.
Also, speaking of eating, I think the roosters might have eaten my girlfriend.
Please send money.
I also tend to prefer Bruce Timm’s design work for Harley — I think she works well more rarely in a more realistic approach.
I was once served a dish at a party in Saudi that features a chicken inside a lamb which is inside a camel. Not sure what to call that other than “big”.
I would think a lamb would fit inside a camel with miles to spare.
Next time, you may want to try sprouting those indoors. The seedlings are a bit delicate, so they’ll have to be depotted with care when planting, but with a flexible plastic pop-out pot (like nurseries use), or a peat pot (which you can just stick in the dirt whole; be sure to make your hole large enough to contain the entire thing), it should pose no problems. Make sure they’re well watered, and you’ll soon have the squirrels licked!
A chicken would be swimming inside a lamb, and ditto for a lamb inside a camel. What did they use to pad the whole thing out with? (I’m guessing pilaf. Piles and piles of pilaf…)
Oh great, I’m going all Lisa Simpson…
I’ll come back in a bit when we’re not talking about stuffing lambs.
Yep, rice is your answer! In fact rice is always the answer. Eat some rice, Elam, maybe you’ll feel less cranky.
Rice, rice, makes everything nice. Eat some rice and have a rice long life!
Brava, David. Brava. All the standing ovations for that brilliant interpretation.
The scary part? And by scary, I mean “absolutely frightening”? There are actual, teeny, tiny kernels of truth in some of those blurbs you posted.
So let me ‘splainy…There’s a school of thought out there that believes that plant-based nutrition is best for optimum health. We’re just beginning to scratch the surface, and the science behind this is all relatively new, but the basic gist is that, pound for pound, calorie for calorie, plant-based foods pack more nutrients than animal-based foods. Further, animal-based foods have been linked to every single preventable “disease of excess” in the developed world — heart disease, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, hypertension — as well as with some kinds of cancers (breast, colon, esophageal).
With me so far? Good, cuz here’s where it gets quasi-conspiracy-theory-ish. This school of thought also believes that, in the U.S. at least, there’s a big push to eat meat and dairy, in spite of what we know about how bad it is for you, because Big Agro. Meat and Dairy producers are a huge lobby, again, in the U.S., and their money obviously has a lot of sway in terms of food policy.
Of course, in the year or so that I’ve gone veg for health reasons, I’ve yet to run into anyone who actively tries to force “teh sheeple” into becoming a vegan or vegetarian against their own will. Most of us feel like the science and the lit is there if anyone is interested. If they are, here let me share this wonderful recipe I just found for lentil Shepherd’s Pie. If they aren’t, well, enjoy your bacon cheeseburger, I’ll be over here eating my kale salad.
My watermelon vines came up great–in fact they’re still going–but they never produced a watermelon. Our theory is that the drought messed up the local pollinators.
I mean, if Elam’s stupid blog leads some readers to improve their eating habits then that’s awesome? It’s just that nobody trusts him to get the science right, and it’s probably just going to turn into another excuse to rant about evil bitches anyway.
Also I’m going to predict right now that if he bothers to keep this going then fat-shaming women will be a major theme, and he’ll probably spend more time on that than on actually giving people useful nutritional information.
That’s very possible. If you don’t see any bees or wasps around, you can try your hand at hand-pollinating, using a clean, dry artist’s paintbrush to transfer pollen from the male flowers to the females. Or just pick a male flower that looks good and ripe, and shake pollen from it into a female flower that also looks ready. (You can eat the flowers, too…dipped in pancake batter, they make nice looking fritters. I’ve yet to try it with my squash blossoms, because I keep forgetting to, but if you can make crêpes, you can make squash or melon blossom fritters!)
@cassandrakitty I wouldn’t be surprised if fat-shaming men ended up being at least a minor theme as well.
How do you tell male and female flowers apart?
Male squash and melon blossoms are easy to tell from the females; the latter have a “bulb” at the bottom that, when fertilized, forms the fruit:
Just look for flowers with skinny stems, and only pick those. Leave the knobby ones alone. (Yes, growing gourds is total misandry. Especially when you eat the delicate male flowers.)
Aaaand today, I learned that some gourd vines only have one sex of flower!
And here’s a little something on hand-pollinating, too.
@cassandrakitty:
If folks want to improve their eating habits, there are definitely better resources than Paul Blart: Professional Manboob. I would recommend following Forks Over Knives on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, NutritionFacts.org on YouTube, and checking out the work of doctors Joel Fuhrman and John McDougall.
Mmmmm…squash blossoms. Toss those bad boys in a skillet with lots of onion, lots of garlic, and the teeniest bit of epazote (which is hard to describe, it’s kind of like a cross between oregano and something else and you can find it in most grocery stores that sell Mexican products) for flavor and you’ve got yourself a party.
Throw in some fresh handmade corn tortillas and you’ve *really* got a party.
Epazote is such a cool herb. When it’s raw it smells almost petrochemical to me? But cook it with beans and it’s magic.
Neat, I will definitely try hand-pollinating when it flowers again.
All this talk of superheroes and cooking (specifically Hulk kneading bread) reminded me of The Tick vs. the Breadmaster. Lots of great moments in there, such as “mustn’t succumb to the rapture of the bread” and Tick rolling an exploding loaf of bread into submission.
http://youtu.be/xzBG5X2LrNc
@Falconer
This is truer than almost all other true things, realistic Harley is an abomination. I will now cuddle with my ridiculous amount of BTAS action figures and dream of better days.
Ugh, I haven’t even thought about dinner yet. Still Christmas shopping since I just got paid today, and trying desperately not to collapse as these shitty pop Xmas songs they’re piping into Macy’s sap the vitality from my soul.
If there’s one thing I’m stodgy about, it’s that I believe that 99% of Christmas music released after 1960 are garbage.
Sure sure, next big thing…”The Joy of Crooking” with Fulio Child.
@Dawn:
Oh my. I’ve found my villainous alter-ego. The Bread Master! Almost cool enough to make me forget the absurdity of a giant muscle man in a bright blue skin-tight suit trying to defuse a bread bomb.