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Do You Even Cook, Bro? The 8 Manliest Sentences in Paul Elam's Cooking Column for Men

Now it's time to Fuck The Tomatoes Up
Now it’s time to Fuck The Tomatoes Up

So our old friend Paul Elam has launched a new cooking column for Men Going Their Own Way. I mentioned it yesterday but hadn’t gotten around to reading his first installment. Intrigued by the quotes some of my readers were posting in the comments here, I actually went over to A Voice for Men and read it.

Alas, there were no recipes, but Elam wasn’t shy about dispensing some RED PILL WISDOM about the fine art science of eating stuff.

And so I would like to share with you the 8 Manliest Sentences from Elam’s “Eating MGTOW: Learn the food, dude.”

Plus some additional thoughts from Elam than I was able to access with my amazing powers of extrasensory perception.

1) “If I had to give an actual name to my approach to eating, it would be called “The Knowledge Diet.”

Screw all you ladies and lady-men and your illogical, emotion-driven approach to eating! Real men eat RATIONALLY. We do everything rationally. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FOOD FEELS.

2) “Let’s start with some basic facts, and by facts I mean what I believe to be true.”

You think your facts are facts? ONLY MY FACTS ARE FACTS. BECAUSE I SAID SO, that’s why.

3) “The United States Sugar Corporation has killed more people than RJ Reynolds, Philip Morris, and street corner drug dealers have ever dreamed of.”

Yeah, try to argue with this FACT. You can’t! Because I can’t hear you! I’ve got my fingers in my ears! Nanny nanny boo boo, I can’t hear you.

4) “The agendas running rampant in food journalism make #gamergate, by comparison, small potatoes.”

And small potatoes are bad. So are big potatoes. DON’T EAT POTATOES. POTATOES ARE DEATH. POTATOES HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A MILLION CHARLES MANSONS.

5-6) “In America, food scams being conducted by the USDA in concert with food producers have inspired an ongoing cultural war between differing camps of Food Nazi Clones. Some of their battles can make heated abortion debate seem like a friendly chat over tea and biscuits.”

Ah, tea and biscuits! What could be more pleasant? Stay tuned next week for my delicious biscuit recipe!

Hah! Did you fall for that clever ruse, you filthy girly-men? I don’t have a biscuit recipe. BISCUITS ARE DEATH. BISCUITS HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A BILLION TITANICS YOU KNOW THE SHIP NOT THE MOVIE.

7) “Fat is your friend, and without it you will die.”

Stay tuned next week for my bacon-wrapped bacon recipe! IT MAY WELL SAVE YOUR LIFE. EAT BACON IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

8) “Nothing says Going Your Own Way like driving past the grocery store with a smile on your face.”

Screw you, ladies! No grocery stores for me! Because manly eaters PRODUCE the FOOD they eat! By the way, does anyone know how to get chicken poop out of a shag rug? Actually, scratch that, does anyone know how to get chickens out of a condo? I mean, ok, confession time: I set up a couple of chicken coops in the corner of the living room while my girlfriend was out-of-town – yeah Men Going Their Own Way can have girlfriends so screw you – and, well, I think I might have bought roosters by mistake and several of those angry bastards have gotten loose and roosters are way more aggressive than you might think. Anyway, long story short, I’m trapped in the den and I’m running out of food – at least of RATIONAL MAN FOOD and I may be forced to eat a wafer.

Also, speaking of eating, I think the roosters might have eaten my girlfriend.

Please send money.

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Falconer
5 years ago

I also tend to prefer Bruce Timm’s design work for Harley — I think she works well more rarely in a more realistic approach.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

I was once served a dish at a party in Saudi that features a chicken inside a lamb which is inside a camel. Not sure what to call that other than “big”.

Falconer
5 years ago

I would think a lamb would fit inside a camel with miles to spare.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

AND THE SQUIRRELS. AUGH. Those little furry bastards keep eating our watermelon seeds!

Next time, you may want to try sprouting those indoors. The seedlings are a bit delicate, so they’ll have to be depotted with care when planting, but with a flexible plastic pop-out pot (like nurseries use), or a peat pot (which you can just stick in the dirt whole; be sure to make your hole large enough to contain the entire thing), it should pose no problems. Make sure they’re well watered, and you’ll soon have the squirrels licked!

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

A chicken would be swimming inside a lamb, and ditto for a lamb inside a camel. What did they use to pad the whole thing out with? (I’m guessing pilaf. Piles and piles of pilaf…)

Falconer
5 years ago

Oh great, I’m going all Lisa Simpson…
comment image

I’ll come back in a bit when we’re not talking about stuffing lambs.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

Yep, rice is your answer! In fact rice is always the answer. Eat some rice, Elam, maybe you’ll feel less cranky.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Rice, rice, makes everything nice. Eat some rice and have a rice long life!

Inez Milholland
Inez Milholland
5 years ago

Brava, David. Brava. All the standing ovations for that brilliant interpretation.

The scary part? And by scary, I mean “absolutely frightening”? There are actual, teeny, tiny kernels of truth in some of those blurbs you posted.

So let me ‘splainy…There’s a school of thought out there that believes that plant-based nutrition is best for optimum health. We’re just beginning to scratch the surface, and the science behind this is all relatively new, but the basic gist is that, pound for pound, calorie for calorie, plant-based foods pack more nutrients than animal-based foods. Further, animal-based foods have been linked to every single preventable “disease of excess” in the developed world — heart disease, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, hypertension — as well as with some kinds of cancers (breast, colon, esophageal).

With me so far? Good, cuz here’s where it gets quasi-conspiracy-theory-ish. This school of thought also believes that, in the U.S. at least, there’s a big push to eat meat and dairy, in spite of what we know about how bad it is for you, because Big Agro. Meat and Dairy producers are a huge lobby, again, in the U.S., and their money obviously has a lot of sway in terms of food policy.

Of course, in the year or so that I’ve gone veg for health reasons, I’ve yet to run into anyone who actively tries to force “teh sheeple” into becoming a vegan or vegetarian against their own will. Most of us feel like the science and the lit is there if anyone is interested. If they are, here let me share this wonderful recipe I just found for lentil Shepherd’s Pie. If they aren’t, well, enjoy your bacon cheeseburger, I’ll be over here eating my kale salad.

katz
5 years ago

My watermelon vines came up great–in fact they’re still going–but they never produced a watermelon. Our theory is that the drought messed up the local pollinators.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

I mean, if Elam’s stupid blog leads some readers to improve their eating habits then that’s awesome? It’s just that nobody trusts him to get the science right, and it’s probably just going to turn into another excuse to rant about evil bitches anyway.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

Also I’m going to predict right now that if he bothers to keep this going then fat-shaming women will be a major theme, and he’ll probably spend more time on that than on actually giving people useful nutritional information.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

My watermelon vines came up great–in fact they’re still going–but they never produced a watermelon. Our theory is that the drought messed up the local pollinators.

That’s very possible. If you don’t see any bees or wasps around, you can try your hand at hand-pollinating, using a clean, dry artist’s paintbrush to transfer pollen from the male flowers to the females. Or just pick a male flower that looks good and ripe, and shake pollen from it into a female flower that also looks ready. (You can eat the flowers, too…dipped in pancake batter, they make nice looking fritters. I’ve yet to try it with my squash blossoms, because I keep forgetting to, but if you can make crêpes, you can make squash or melon blossom fritters!)

Tracy
Tracy
5 years ago

@cassandrakitty I wouldn’t be surprised if fat-shaming men ended up being at least a minor theme as well.

katz
5 years ago

If you don’t see any bees or wasps around, you can try your hand at hand-pollinating, using a clean, dry artist’s paintbrush to transfer pollen from the male flowers to the females. Or just pick a male flower that looks good and ripe, and shake pollen from it into a female flower that also looks ready.

How do you tell male and female flowers apart?

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Male squash and melon blossoms are easy to tell from the females; the latter have a “bulb” at the bottom that, when fertilized, forms the fruit:
comment image

Just look for flowers with skinny stems, and only pick those. Leave the knobby ones alone. (Yes, growing gourds is total misandry. Especially when you eat the delicate male flowers.)

Aaaand today, I learned that some gourd vines only have one sex of flower!

And here’s a little something on hand-pollinating, too.

Inez Milholland
Inez Milholland
5 years ago

@cassandrakitty:

If folks want to improve their eating habits, there are definitely better resources than Paul Blart: Professional Manboob. I would recommend following Forks Over Knives on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, NutritionFacts.org on YouTube, and checking out the work of doctors Joel Fuhrman and John McDougall.

Inez Milholland
Inez Milholland
5 years ago

Mmmmm…squash blossoms. Toss those bad boys in a skillet with lots of onion, lots of garlic, and the teeniest bit of epazote (which is hard to describe, it’s kind of like a cross between oregano and something else and you can find it in most grocery stores that sell Mexican products) for flavor and you’ve got yourself a party.

Throw in some fresh handmade corn tortillas and you’ve *really* got a party.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

Epazote is such a cool herb. When it’s raw it smells almost petrochemical to me? But cook it with beans and it’s magic.

katz
5 years ago

Neat, I will definitely try hand-pollinating when it flowers again.

Dawn Incognito
Dawn Incognito
5 years ago

All this talk of superheroes and cooking (specifically Hulk kneading bread) reminded me of The Tick vs. the Breadmaster. Lots of great moments in there, such as “mustn’t succumb to the rapture of the bread” and Tick rolling an exploding loaf of bread into submission.

http://youtu.be/xzBG5X2LrNc

brooked
brooked
5 years ago

@Falconer
This is truer than almost all other true things, realistic Harley is an abomination. I will now cuddle with my ridiculous amount of BTAS action figures and dream of better days.

I also tend to prefer Bruce Timm’s design work for Harley — I think she works well more rarely in a more realistic approach.

Binjabreel
5 years ago

Ugh, I haven’t even thought about dinner yet. Still Christmas shopping since I just got paid today, and trying desperately not to collapse as these shitty pop Xmas songs they’re piping into Macy’s sap the vitality from my soul.

If there’s one thing I’m stodgy about, it’s that I believe that 99% of Christmas music released after 1960 are garbage.

Snood
Snood
5 years ago

Sure sure, next big thing…”The Joy of Crooking” with Fulio Child.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@Dawn:

Oh my. I’ve found my villainous alter-ego. The Bread Master! Almost cool enough to make me forget the absurdity of a giant muscle man in a bright blue skin-tight suit trying to defuse a bread bomb.

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
5 years ago

I have a beautiful stew that is easy to heat and serve up without interfering with the mega cooking going on in the kitchen for the Christmas Eve festivities.

deniseeliza
deniseeliza
5 years ago

The basic gist is that, pound for pound, calorie for calorie, plant-based foods pack more nutrients than animal-based foods

However, there’s the other problem which is that a pound of vegetables is a lot more food than a pound of a meat product. For instance, people like to hold up broccoli as a good source of calcium. But to get the calcium of a cup of milk, you’d have to eat a whole head of broccoli. I like broccoli, but I don’t like it that much.

Vegetables just take up a lot more space in the stomach than a lot of animal based products, which makes it harder to get your nutrients with a vegetarian or a vegan diet.

(Disclaimer: I have no problem whatsoever with vegetarian or vegan diets and I am not one of those people who claims it is unhealthy or hypocritical or anything bad. Please be a vegetarian or a vegan if you wish. I’m just saying that animal products can deliver nutrients in a package that more easily fits in the limited space of our stomachs and the limited time in our lives.)

deniseeliza
deniseeliza
5 years ago

I guess the first two sentences in my first paragraph weren’t actually directly related. Editing fail 🙂 Someone hook me up with JB’s agent.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

I’m sitting here eating breakfast and loving this thread! All those cooking comics are hilarious (and Wolverine making paper dolls has all the win) but it’s Paulie trapped by savage roosters that’s the best.

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/GPIKKysFaIo/hqdefault.jpg

Mewens
Mewens
5 years ago

@Falconer:
A million years late, I know, but Thor’s actually addressing Captain Universe in that panel. (She’s the one in the white and black. … Marvel’s big on captains for some reason. I wonder if they have to address that in editing meetings: “Books cannot have more than one captain in an issue. If we break this rule, then we must have some shenanigans regarding crossed lines of communications.”) That _is_ Carol Danvers in that panel, on the right, but I couldn’t tell you if it was before or after she took the Captain Marvel title. (I don’t read Avengers. I’d wager it was before, though.)

katz
5 years ago

However, there’s the other problem which is that a pound of vegetables is a lot more food than a pound of a meat product. For instance, people like to hold up broccoli as a good source of calcium. But to get the calcium of a cup of milk, you’d have to eat a whole head of broccoli. I like broccoli, but I don’t like it that much.

At least for Americans like myself, I think the fact that you have to consume more material to get the same amount of nutrition is the point.

Falconer
5 years ago

@Mewens: So who’s that in the black and white (she has starbursts on her front, I can’t remember if that’s shown) and the full-face mask? I thought that was Captain Marvel.

Too right Marvel loves its Captains. Nextwave has a guy just called The Captain.

http://www.captainbluehen.com/wp-content/Nextwave-01-Page-01.jpg

http://i103.photobucket.com/albums/m126/stoopidtallkid/Nextwave203.jpg

Inez Milholland
Inez Milholland
5 years ago

Actually, since you used calcium as an example, the calcium in plant products is far more absorbable than animal based products, and it doesn’t come with all of the icky extras in animal based products (high fat content which leads to cholesterol and heart disease). Plus, broccoli isn’t the *only* source of calcium. Pick a green, any green, and there’s your calcium. Nuts, legumes, fruit: those are all calcium sources too. Want as much calcium in a glass of cow’s milk without having to eat “yucky vegetables”? Fortified soy milk has just as much and works just as well.

http://youtu.be/x_CAqpBnd5E

http://youtu.be/UdwHdXa85NE

Mewens
Mewens
5 years ago

Ha, no, that’s Captain Universe (the black-and-white, starburst, full mask, red-lensed goggles). I don’t know much about her, other than she spent the “Infinity” crossover in a coma and Steve Ditko did pencils on the original run. (I suspect that, like Doc Strange, she’s so powerful that the writers have to conveniently put her out of commission during the world-shattering events so she doesn’t just punch the villain du jour into next year.)

Carol Danvers, who’s now calling herself Captain Marvel, is the blonde one in the red-and-blue with yellow accents on the right (and in a full mask about half the time; she puts it on when things get real, or when she’s at a bbq, apparently).

kelseigh
kelseigh
5 years ago

Seriously, Real Men Don’t Cook Quiche came out in what, 1982? Certainly better recipes than what this amateur will give us.

leftwingfox
5 years ago

Paul Elam, less competent than a falling baker.

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
5 years ago

I apologize in advance.

Dawn Incognito
Dawn Incognito
5 years ago

@kirbywarp

I always had an incredible fondness for The Breadmaster’s sidekick, Buttery Pat. I could never tell if he was the Breadmaster’s assistant turned butter in a horrible experiment, or if he was butter made sentient.

The Breadmaster makes another appearance in The Tick vs. Europe, featuring such gems as Eastern Bloc Robot Cowboy, a supervillain brain in a vending machine.

http://youtu.be/SWnG_gTn2AY

(Why yes, I am a fan of the absurd. I’m currently enjoying an anime called Polar Bear’s Cafe, which…is about a cafe run by a polar bear.)

http://www.plastikitty.com/wp-content/uploads/PolarBearCafe.jpg

opium4themasses
5 years ago

The worst part about being a vegetarian is how much non-vegetarians want to talk about it. From the Ticker Max wannabes to the “I just couldn’t live without meat.” people. Though the latter are much less obnoxious most of the time. People get really defensive about eating meat sometimes without any provocation, other than vegetarianism coming up in passing.

Still, this is just an annoyance. Usually ends quickly.

Shaun DarthBatman Day
5 years ago

Tanya, I think you missed the part where Ramen is the only food. No butter, no toast, no veggies, no cheese, no fake cheese, no salad greens, no pasta sauce, no tomato soup…nothing but Ramen. There’s really only one thing you can do with nothing but Ramen, and that’s Ramen. Been poor, know all the Ramen tricks, it only works when there is something else, and top misandrist Elam demands that his followers eat nothing but Ramen and send all of their money to him.

Nequam
Nequam
5 years ago

@Falconer. Huh, so it is. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the chef is Bill Gaines (MAD Editor-in-Chief for decades).

alaisvex
alaisvex
5 years ago

“The agendas running rampant in food journalism make #gamergate, by comparison, small potatoes.”

Oh fuck. Do I smell #foodgate? Do we need to now focus on the ethics in food journalism? Do SJWs and feminists need to leave food alone? Are we going to get a rash of claims that only men really eat and appreciate food?

Lady Mondegreen
5 years ago

@Falconer, Nequam

@Falconer. Huh, so it is. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the chef is Bill Gaines (MAD Editor-in-Chief for decades).

Synchronicity. I’m in the middle of re-reading Frank Jacob’s The Mad World of William M. Gaines (I first read it 40 years ago.)

Corrections based on current re-reading: Gaines was the publisher of Mad, not the editor.

The model isn’t Gaines. But it looks like it could be Mad’s assistant art director, Leonard “the Beard” Brenner.

Lady Mondegreen
5 years ago

Damn HTML. Or should I say, Damn HTML.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Oh fuck. Do I smell #foodgate? Do we need to now focus on the ethics in food journalism? Do SJWs and feminists need to leave food alone? Are we going to get a rash of claims that only men really eat and appreciate food?

Why yes, I do believe that’s what’s cookin’, all right. After all, the PUAs latched onto Gamergate, so why shouldn’t the MRAs start Foodgate? Assuming that anyone wants to fight them for it, that is.

>chorus of loud snores from the Peanut Gallery<

friday jones
friday jones
5 years ago

Begun, the food nazi clone wars have!

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

Begun, the food nazi clone wars have!

LOL!

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6967/1040/320/Yoda_cooking.jpg

Zolnier
5 years ago

@Bina

Actually Maria was a soviet sniper, she just got turned into an Uber.

@Katz

So is this the timeline where Logan never stopped smoking in Cerebro?

katz
5 years ago

So is this the timeline where Logan never stopped smoking in Cerebro?

I don’t think so; it’s from Astonishing X-Men and IIRC he’s under mind control, but I freely admit that I didn’t have a clue what was going on in Astonishing X-Men.

Zolnier
5 years ago

I’m still trying to comprehend whatever the Hell Magneto was doing back in 2001.