So our old friend Paul Elam has launched a new cooking column for Men Going Their Own Way. I mentioned it yesterday but hadn’t gotten around to reading his first installment. Intrigued by the quotes some of my readers were posting in the comments here, I actually went over to A Voice for Men and read it.
Alas, there were no recipes, but Elam wasn’t shy about dispensing some RED PILL WISDOM about the fine art science of eating stuff.
And so I would like to share with you the 8 Manliest Sentences from Elam’s “Eating MGTOW: Learn the food, dude.”
Plus some additional thoughts from Elam than I was able to access with my amazing powers of extrasensory perception.
1) “If I had to give an actual name to my approach to eating, it would be called “The Knowledge Diet.”
Screw all you ladies and lady-men and your illogical, emotion-driven approach to eating! Real men eat RATIONALLY. We do everything rationally. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FOOD FEELS.
2) “Let’s start with some basic facts, and by facts I mean what I believe to be true.”
You think your facts are facts? ONLY MY FACTS ARE FACTS. BECAUSE I SAID SO, that’s why.
3) “The United States Sugar Corporation has killed more people than RJ Reynolds, Philip Morris, and street corner drug dealers have ever dreamed of.”
Yeah, try to argue with this FACT. You can’t! Because I can’t hear you! I’ve got my fingers in my ears! Nanny nanny boo boo, I can’t hear you.
4) “The agendas running rampant in food journalism make #gamergate, by comparison, small potatoes.”
And small potatoes are bad. So are big potatoes. DON’T EAT POTATOES. POTATOES ARE DEATH. POTATOES HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A MILLION CHARLES MANSONS.
5-6) “In America, food scams being conducted by the USDA in concert with food producers have inspired an ongoing cultural war between differing camps of Food Nazi Clones. Some of their battles can make heated abortion debate seem like a friendly chat over tea and biscuits.”
Ah, tea and biscuits! What could be more pleasant? Stay tuned next week for my delicious biscuit recipe!
Hah! Did you fall for that clever ruse, you filthy girly-men? I don’t have a biscuit recipe. BISCUITS ARE DEATH. BISCUITS HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A BILLION TITANICS YOU KNOW THE SHIP NOT THE MOVIE.
7) “Fat is your friend, and without it you will die.”
Stay tuned next week for my bacon-wrapped bacon recipe! IT MAY WELL SAVE YOUR LIFE. EAT BACON IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
8) “Nothing says Going Your Own Way like driving past the grocery store with a smile on your face.”
Screw you, ladies! No grocery stores for me! Because manly eaters PRODUCE the FOOD they eat! By the way, does anyone know how to get chicken poop out of a shag rug? Actually, scratch that, does anyone know how to get chickens out of a condo? I mean, ok, confession time: I set up a couple of chicken coops in the corner of the living room while my girlfriend was out-of-town – yeah Men Going Their Own Way can have girlfriends so screw you – and, well, I think I might have bought roosters by mistake and several of those angry bastards have gotten loose and roosters are way more aggressive than you might think. Anyway, long story short, I’m trapped in the den and I’m running out of food – at least of RATIONAL MAN FOOD and I may be forced to eat a wafer.
Also, speaking of eating, I think the roosters might have eaten my girlfriend.
Please send money.
And that’s terrible.
My god…it’s like someone heard the phrase “nesting birds” and got entirely the wrong idea.
And that’s terrible.
Yes, I’m sure Unilever is crying into its pillow all night long.
“Also, speaking of eating, I think the roosters might have eaten my girlfriend.”
There’s a cock-carousal joke in this that I’m just not quite finding.
@Malitia, @katz: I love the Internet.
@Karalora: Wikipedia says the French “gastronomist” who published the recipe in 1807 claimed the Romans had done something similar.
Dammit, ninja’d.
When it comes to educational superhero works that are utterly baffling I prefer the Supergirl comic where she and some children are transferred into a world of nursery rhyme characters who’re homicidally bad drivers…released a few months after her death.
A cooking column for MGTOW, huh? Let’s see if I’m correctly following the train of MRA thought…
It is the job of women to cook for men –> men do not need to learn to cook because their wives will do it for them –> women are hypergamically holding their ability to cook hostage in order to trick rich men into marrying them, because men are unable to cook –> if MGTOW learn to cook, the hypergamy scheme will be undone, and women will be forced to sleep with the MGTOW without benefiting in any way from the experience. Take that, WOMEN.
@NonServiam
Oh crap! Now I have to make a video game about Food Nazi Clones[1]. Might be a while as my Windows box got hosed. I lost the regcode for it and MS, in their infinite wisdom, makes you buy another complete full copy when that happens. Unless someone out there has a copy of Win7 Pro they aren’t using.
[1] And yes, I am that much of a geek.
Are Paul Elam and Pastor J. Grant Swank the same person? They definitely share a writing style.
The great thing about Food Nazi Clones is that if you open a box of Kashi in front of them, their faces melt off.
I don’t think so. I’ve been reading this blog for a couple of years, and Elam’s never gone on about “homo nups international” [gay marriage] like the Rev. Swank does.
@Cuddlesquid: I LOL’d.
I thought that all his readers are supposed to survive on a diet of Ramen and send their food budget money to him, so unless his cooking column is about how to use the flavour packet I don’t see the point. Really. How many things can one do with Ramen? And no other food ever? Is he suggesting eating it raw? The numerous flavours (ie vaguely chicken salt, oversalted hint of mushroom, and if you’ve never had beef this isn’t what it tastes like plus salt)? How to spice it up by adding water (rain water, of course, because that’s free)?
“Fat is your friend, and without it you will die.”
Unless of course it is under the skin of a woman, in which case it is your worst enemy manbabies!
I am such a misandrist, my 2 male children have been vegetarian since birth!
Wolverine baked a cake for Peter Parker after he accidentally squashed the one Peter was hauling along to a party.
@Roger B.A. Klorese:
“But he could save a lot of stupid evil jerks from hype 2 diabetes.”
And therein lies the problem. Or one of them.
So, I was wondering if Whole Foods needs volunteers to man the shopper escort system, since you know, food wars are worse than the abortion wars!!!!! Shall we have whole grain tonite, dear? No no, woman, that’s just what they *want* you to say. Manly men eat Wonder Bread!
And now I’m imagining Wolverine in an apron. Preferably a “Kiss the cook” one.
Really. How many things can one do with Ramen?
—
As an American who was a starving college student in the 80s, when Ramen was 7 cants a pack – i assure you – LOTS!!!
I love the thinking behind the paleo diet, like we’re just gonna pretend that there was no way evolution has happened in the 750,000 years or so since we started burning our food before we are it.
These comics are hilarious.
@Tracy, here’s even more — for the paleo diet! I coulda swore there was a strip here about cooking your food, but oh well.
http://dresdencodak.com/comics/2009-09-22-caveman_science_fiction.jpg
All hail Dresden Codak! All hail!
And then there was the time Wolverine made paper dolls.
http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i102/Bunkmancow/axm15.jpg