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Do You Even Cook, Bro? The 8 Manliest Sentences in Paul Elam's Cooking Column for Men

Now it's time to Fuck The Tomatoes Up
Now it’s time to Fuck The Tomatoes Up

So our old friend Paul Elam has launched a new cooking column for Men Going Their Own Way. I mentioned it yesterday but hadn’t gotten around to reading his first installment. Intrigued by the quotes some of my readers were posting in the comments here, I actually went over to A Voice for Men and read it.

Alas, there were no recipes, but Elam wasn’t shy about dispensing some RED PILL WISDOM about the fine art science of eating stuff.

And so I would like to share with you the 8 Manliest Sentences from Elam’s “Eating MGTOW: Learn the food, dude.”

Plus some additional thoughts from Elam than I was able to access with my amazing powers of extrasensory perception.

1) “If I had to give an actual name to my approach to eating, it would be called “The Knowledge Diet.”

Screw all you ladies and lady-men and your illogical, emotion-driven approach to eating! Real men eat RATIONALLY. We do everything rationally. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FOOD FEELS.

2) “Let’s start with some basic facts, and by facts I mean what I believe to be true.”

You think your facts are facts? ONLY MY FACTS ARE FACTS. BECAUSE I SAID SO, that’s why.

3) “The United States Sugar Corporation has killed more people than RJ Reynolds, Philip Morris, and street corner drug dealers have ever dreamed of.”

Yeah, try to argue with this FACT. You can’t! Because I can’t hear you! I’ve got my fingers in my ears! Nanny nanny boo boo, I can’t hear you.

4) “The agendas running rampant in food journalism make #gamergate, by comparison, small potatoes.”

And small potatoes are bad. So are big potatoes. DON’T EAT POTATOES. POTATOES ARE DEATH. POTATOES HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A MILLION CHARLES MANSONS.

5-6) “In America, food scams being conducted by the USDA in concert with food producers have inspired an ongoing cultural war between differing camps of Food Nazi Clones. Some of their battles can make heated abortion debate seem like a friendly chat over tea and biscuits.”

Ah, tea and biscuits! What could be more pleasant? Stay tuned next week for my delicious biscuit recipe!

Hah! Did you fall for that clever ruse, you filthy girly-men? I don’t have a biscuit recipe. BISCUITS ARE DEATH. BISCUITS HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A BILLION TITANICS YOU KNOW THE SHIP NOT THE MOVIE.

7) “Fat is your friend, and without it you will die.”

Stay tuned next week for my bacon-wrapped bacon recipe! IT MAY WELL SAVE YOUR LIFE. EAT BACON IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

8) “Nothing says Going Your Own Way like driving past the grocery store with a smile on your face.”

Screw you, ladies! No grocery stores for me! Because manly eaters PRODUCE the FOOD they eat! By the way, does anyone know how to get chicken poop out of a shag rug? Actually, scratch that, does anyone know how to get chickens out of a condo? I mean, ok, confession time: I set up a couple of chicken coops in the corner of the living room while my girlfriend was out-of-town – yeah Men Going Their Own Way can have girlfriends so screw you – and, well, I think I might have bought roosters by mistake and several of those angry bastards have gotten loose and roosters are way more aggressive than you might think. Anyway, long story short, I’m trapped in the den and I’m running out of food – at least of RATIONAL MAN FOOD and I may be forced to eat a wafer.

Also, speaking of eating, I think the roosters might have eaten my girlfriend.

Please send money.

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Malitia
Malitia
5 years ago

And that’s terrible.

Karalora
5 years ago

REAL men eat the rôti sans pareil — a meal that consists of 17 birds stuffed inside one another.

My god…it’s like someone heard the phrase “nesting birds” and got entirely the wrong idea.

katz
5 years ago

It is widely known that Lex Luthor doesn’t cook. He subsists entirely on cakes which he has stolen.

And that’s terrible.

Amused
5 years ago

“Nothing says Going Your Own Way like driving past the grocery store with a smile on your face.”

Yes, I’m sure Unilever is crying into its pillow all night long.

R. A. Stark
5 years ago

“Also, speaking of eating, I think the roosters might have eaten my girlfriend.”

There’s a cock-carousal joke in this that I’m just not quite finding.

Falconer
5 years ago

@Malitia, @katz: I love the Internet.

@Karalora: Wikipedia says the French “gastronomist” who published the recipe in 1807 claimed the Romans had done something similar.

katz
5 years ago

Dammit, ninja’d.

Zolnier
5 years ago

When it comes to educational superhero works that are utterly baffling I prefer the Supergirl comic where she and some children are transferred into a world of nursery rhyme characters who’re homicidally bad drivers…released a few months after her death.

Viscaria
Viscaria
5 years ago

A cooking column for MGTOW, huh? Let’s see if I’m correctly following the train of MRA thought…

It is the job of women to cook for men –> men do not need to learn to cook because their wives will do it for them –> women are hypergamically holding their ability to cook hostage in order to trick rich men into marrying them, because men are unable to cook –> if MGTOW learn to cook, the hypergamy scheme will be undone, and women will be forced to sleep with the MGTOW without benefiting in any way from the experience. Take that, WOMEN.

GOBACK (@JoeKlemmer)
5 years ago

@NonServiam

Oh crap! Now I have to make a video game about Food Nazi Clones[1]. Might be a while as my Windows box got hosed. I lost the regcode for it and MS, in their infinite wisdom, makes you buy another complete full copy when that happens. Unless someone out there has a copy of Win7 Pro they aren’t using.

[1] And yes, I am that much of a geek.

Miss Diketon
5 years ago

Are Paul Elam and Pastor J. Grant Swank the same person? They definitely share a writing style.

Cuddlesquid
Cuddlesquid
5 years ago

The great thing about Food Nazi Clones is that if you open a box of Kashi in front of them, their faces melt off.

Falconer
5 years ago

Are Paul Elam and Pastor J. Grant Swank the same person? They definitely share a writing style.

I don’t think so. I’ve been reading this blog for a couple of years, and Elam’s never gone on about “homo nups international” [gay marriage] like the Rev. Swank does.

Falconer
5 years ago

@Cuddlesquid: I LOL’d.

Shaun Day
Shaun Day
5 years ago

I thought that all his readers are supposed to survive on a diet of Ramen and send their food budget money to him, so unless his cooking column is about how to use the flavour packet I don’t see the point. Really. How many things can one do with Ramen? And no other food ever? Is he suggesting eating it raw? The numerous flavours (ie vaguely chicken salt, oversalted hint of mushroom, and if you’ve never had beef this isn’t what it tastes like plus salt)? How to spice it up by adding water (rain water, of course, because that’s free)?

Ellesar
5 years ago

“Fat is your friend, and without it you will die.”
Unless of course it is under the skin of a woman, in which case it is your worst enemy manbabies!

I am such a misandrist, my 2 male children have been vegetarian since birth!

skiriki
5 years ago

I’m sure Peter and Mary Jane Parker cooked for each other, but I don’t have specific references.

Wolverine baked a cake for Peter Parker after he accidentally squashed the one Peter was hauling along to a party.

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
5 years ago

@Roger B.A. Klorese:

“But he could save a lot of stupid evil jerks from hype 2 diabetes.”

And therein lies the problem. Or one of them.

Tanya Nguyen
5 years ago

So, I was wondering if Whole Foods needs volunteers to man the shopper escort system, since you know, food wars are worse than the abortion wars!!!!! Shall we have whole grain tonite, dear? No no, woman, that’s just what they *want* you to say. Manly men eat Wonder Bread!

Malitia
Malitia
5 years ago

Wolverine baked a cake for Peter Parker after he accidentally squashed the one Peter was hauling along to a party.

And now I’m imagining Wolverine in an apron. Preferably a “Kiss the cook” one.

Tanya Nguyen
5 years ago

Really. How many things can one do with Ramen?

As an American who was a starving college student in the 80s, when Ramen was 7 cants a pack – i assure you – LOTS!!!

Binjabreel
5 years ago

I love the thinking behind the paleo diet, like we’re just gonna pretend that there was no way evolution has happened in the 750,000 years or so since we started burning our food before we are it.

Tracy
Tracy
5 years ago

These comics are hilarious.

Falconer
5 years ago

@Tracy, here’s even more — for the paleo diet! I coulda swore there was a strip here about cooking your food, but oh well.

http://dresdencodak.com/comics/2009-09-22-caveman_science_fiction.jpg

All hail Dresden Codak! All hail!

katz
5 years ago

And then there was the time Wolverine made paper dolls.

http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i102/Bunkmancow/axm15.jpg

Tanya Nguyen
5 years ago

I love the thinking behind the paleo diet, like we’re just gonna pretend that there was no way evolution has happened in the 750,000 years or so since we started burning our food before we are it.

Or that, even if there *was no evo*, it’s somehow better to live in a world where you are malnurished, eating rotten (sick causing, not cheese) food, and consuming tons of parasites is somehow better than eating in a world of processed food stuffs.

Tracy
Tracy
5 years ago

Ok, this whole thread is making me hungry. What’s everyone having for dinner today?

We’re doing Adobo chicken – with jasmine rice for Busband, and sticky rice and veg (kale, peppers, red onion) for me. I sometimes do this with cauliflower ‘rice’ instead of rice rice, also really good.

INGREDIENTS

4 chicken thighs
3/4 cup tamari or soy sauce
1/2 cup rice vinegar
5 garlic cloves (more or less), smashed (peeling them is not necessary) or 3/4 tsp garlic powder
2 bay leaves
1 chipotle pepper, chopped, or red pepper flakes to taste
1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper

DIRECTIONS
Combine all ingredients in a large saucepan with 1 cup water.
Bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce to a slow simmer and cook, covered, for about 30 minutes or until done, turning halfway through.
Meanwhile, line a broiler pan with foil and heat the broiler on high. Remove the chicken from the pot, gently pat dry with paper towels, and place skin side up on the pan. Broil until the skin is crisp.
While chicken is broiling, reduce the cooking liquid to 1 cup. Strain out the solids and serve alongside the chicken and rice.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

If the food Nazis are clones despite being in different camps why do they disagree so much? Shouldn’t they all be Team Sugar, or Team NoFat, or whatever? Also this is all sounding very military, and I don’t think the chickens are going to lay well if there are gunshots flying all around, and the cows aren’t going to be thrilled either. Isn’t protein the ultimate manly man food? Stop scaring the cows, Paul.

Also I love that he went on this whole rant about Big Food and forgot to mention high-fructose corn syrup.

Tracy
Tracy
5 years ago

@Falconer @katz *dies* I need to read comics more often, omg.

‘Paleo’ has some good ideas (though not particularly original), but as is usual with diets of any kind, extremes form. I’m totally down with eating ‘natural’ foods, but not eating something that I’m perfectly fine eating (cheese, for example) simply because people didn’t eat it ~10,000 years ago makes no sense to me. Or because it has something that some people are affected negatively by, even though I am not (ie: avoiding nightshades on principle).

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

Oh my god, where were these comics when I was growing up? Answer: too far away from me. I never knew I could get so excited over superheros cooking and pal-ing around, but here we are! That one with Thor was great!

Falconer
5 years ago

@kirbywarp: The artist nailed Thor’s expression when he dished out two dogs each. I can really feel the disgust and judgment rolling off him.

I can only hope one day to draw that well.

On another page, Hulk helps him roll out all the pies he’s made:

http://retconpunchdotcom.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/hulk-pies.jpg

I haven’t been able to find Wolverine or Logan in an apron, but they sure as heck sell aprons with Wolverine’s colors on them.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@cassandrakitty:

Yeah, missing out on high-fructose corn syrup is just another bit of evidence that he takes his surface-level understanding of a topic and runs wild with it while declaring himself the sole arbiter of truth.

That’s probably why he’s an MRA, quite honestly. He picks up a few details about gender, takes a stance that makes him the rebel against a vast conspiracy, then goes hog wild. As long as he can get people to practically worship him as a god, he’s fine, hence the quashing of alternative views and constant focus on donations.

Falconer
5 years ago

The “good captain” is obviously Captain Marvel, but I’m not sure if it’s Carol Danvers or not, I’m not that big a comics reader.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

😀 😀 😀

*squees internally*

There must be a TV show where various super-heros and villains square off in a cooking competition. This must be done!

I wanna see the Hulk make bread. Though I know in reality he’d mash the dough into a gooey pile by kneading it too much… Maybe he just makes an enormous loaf to compensate and kneads it all at once.

Nequam
Nequam
5 years ago

@Nequam: See, it’s precisely that sort of ad copy that National Lampoon loved to parody, once upon a time.

I wouldn’t think Freberg would be that great a target for the Lampoon on account of his ads were deliberately comic to start with…

skiriki
5 years ago

And now I’m imagining Wolverine in an apron. Preferably a “Kiss the cook” one.

You’re not too far off the mark! 😀

John Seavey
5 years ago

Looks more like Captain Universe than Captain Marvel, but I haven’t read the issue in question so can’t be sure.

Falconer
5 years ago

Here’s an odd little moment where Peter and Norman have exhausted themselves fighting, and they both collapse against a wall, and Norman says he wasn’t going to call himself the Green Goblin at first:

http://i44.tinypic.com/33uwe1h.png

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

Wow, that was a fun mental journey.

“When Hulk makes bread, he’d probably way over-knead it.”

“How difficult is it to over-knead anyway?”

“*watches video* Ah, interesting. Hey, over-kneaded dough results in a loaf with very hard crust and a crumbly interior. I’ve had dough like that before! And I knead by hand!”

“Maybe Hulk likes over-kneaded dough? I mean, his jaw muscles are super strong, so maybe he likes crunching into hard bread with those giant teeth of his.”

“Wait a sec… how do Hulk’s teeth grow bigger?”

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

Paper doll-making Wolverine is the ultimate misandry. We should spam them with it.

@ kirby

He really does seem to only grasp ideas on the most superficial level, maybe because once the rage kicks in his brain shuts down and is no longer able to absorb further information. He’s probably aware on some level that if he ever allowed the rage to fade for a moment some self0-awareness might seep in, and we can’t have that, so let’s go looking for the next enraging thing!

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@Falconer:

Pretty sure all super-villains and super-heroes are secretly buddies that have an extreme love-hate relationship. Megamind was right!

ParadoxicalIntention
5 years ago

Bina

Like I said yesterday, I can’t actually see Paulie or any other miggie-toes actually producing their own food. They have lazy minds, and their bodies must logically follow. Who’s gonna dig the garden and slop the hawgs? Not Paulie and his merry men. Nope, they’re gonna shove it all off on the wimminz, as usual.

I double-dog dare any one of them to come and try to dig my garden. I bet most of them wouldn’t know a spade fork if they stepped on one…and got smacked in the face by the tines.

I agree. We have an itty-bitty food garden (some lovely people from a local food bank assistance place came by and helped my grandma set it up), and it’s a bit of a chore to handle. AND THE SQUIRRELS. AUGH. Those little furry bastards keep eating our watermelon seeds!

I don’t think Elam would be able to handle even that. Because it requires work and patience, two things he’s shown a considerable lack of. : /

weirwoodtreehugger

I’m on the misandry diet. I cook my pasta in male tears instead of water.

At least you don’t have to worry about adding your own salt!

Malitia

It’s a quest in the name of science to figure out the great mystery of which superheroes/anti-heroes/villains can cook. :3 FOR SCIENCE!

Deadpool makes his own chimichangas. And pancakes.
comment image

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@cassandrakitty:

He’s basically a real-life Crank, except instead of his heart stopping when his rage subsides, he just becomes aware of the hollow emptiness of his existance and the futility of his cause.

paradoxicalintent
paradoxicalintent
5 years ago

Also, I second Falconer on the Harley/Ivy relationship.

It’s pretty much canon. Though, I’m iffy about actually seeing it because I don’t want it to be reduced to “OOOH LOOK. Sexy lesbians! Doing sexy stuff for our viewer’s (Men’s) pleasure! Oh, so titillating!”

They’ve already reduced Harley down to “The Joker’s Girlfriend” (Though, thankfully, there are a few rare, shining examples of her being amazing, like the Infamous: Gods Among Us comic arc).

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@ParadoxicalIntention:

Tune in next week, when Deadpool discovers that quantity cannot win over quality.

“That’s a lot of pancakes, Deadpool. How do they taste?”

“… I don’t follow.”

Join him on his quest to make the ultimate pancake. Oh, and maybe stop a bit of global destruction on the way.

PANCAKES!

Falconer
5 years ago

@Nequam: Oh wait, I’m wrong entirely: It’s a MAD Magazine ad!

http://www.thenyegotist.com/sites/www.thenyegotist.com/files/images/mad_magazine_spoof_ad_tomatoes_can.jpg

I’m not sure, but I think the model is likely to be someone in the MAD offices.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

Also that contrarian impulse may explain a lot. Follow me here…sugar is bad, but the mass media mostly complains about HFCS when they acknowledge that maybe our food is just a teensy bit oversweetened THEREFORE HFCS must actually be good, because the media thinks it’s bad and we all know they’ve been taken over by the feminaziliberal agenda. Also, there was a while where there were news stories about Atkins occasionally killing people on account of it causing kidney failure, therefore Atkin-based diets are good, because everyone in the mainstream media is a lying liar.

Falconer
5 years ago

@paradoxicalintent: … too late, I’m afraid.

http://media.tumblr.com/7efdf1ea7e82ab8f409353055a94693e/tumblr_inline_mztqaw4HEc1qbujox.png

That’s pure dudebro wank material, sorry to say.

In related news, Korra/Asami is totally, word-o-god canon.

skiriki
5 years ago

AHAH! I found it! Marvel Holiday Special Vol 1 2007, “Piece of Cake” story.

http://i.imgur.com/wLkjtMD.jpg

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

I suppose that Maria from Uber’s ability to make nutrient paste doesn’t count?

Maria von Über? Now THERE’s a Nazi name for ya. Soylent Capitalism ist LEUTE!

Wikipedia says the French “gastronomist” who published the recipe in 1807 claimed the Romans had done something similar.

Wow. Who knew turducken was that old?