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Do You Even Cook, Bro? The 8 Manliest Sentences in Paul Elam's Cooking Column for Men

Now it's time to Fuck The Tomatoes Up
Now it’s time to Fuck The Tomatoes Up

So our old friend Paul Elam has launched a new cooking column for Men Going Their Own Way. I mentioned it yesterday but hadn’t gotten around to reading his first installment. Intrigued by the quotes some of my readers were posting in the comments here, I actually went over to A Voice for Men and read it.

Alas, there were no recipes, but Elam wasn’t shy about dispensing some RED PILL WISDOM about the fine art science of eating stuff.

And so I would like to share with you the 8 Manliest Sentences from Elam’s “Eating MGTOW: Learn the food, dude.”

Plus some additional thoughts from Elam than I was able to access with my amazing powers of extrasensory perception.

1) “If I had to give an actual name to my approach to eating, it would be called “The Knowledge Diet.”

Screw all you ladies and lady-men and your illogical, emotion-driven approach to eating! Real men eat RATIONALLY. We do everything rationally. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FOOD FEELS.

2) “Let’s start with some basic facts, and by facts I mean what I believe to be true.”

You think your facts are facts? ONLY MY FACTS ARE FACTS. BECAUSE I SAID SO, that’s why.

3) “The United States Sugar Corporation has killed more people than RJ Reynolds, Philip Morris, and street corner drug dealers have ever dreamed of.”

Yeah, try to argue with this FACT. You can’t! Because I can’t hear you! I’ve got my fingers in my ears! Nanny nanny boo boo, I can’t hear you.

4) “The agendas running rampant in food journalism make #gamergate, by comparison, small potatoes.”

And small potatoes are bad. So are big potatoes. DON’T EAT POTATOES. POTATOES ARE DEATH. POTATOES HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A MILLION CHARLES MANSONS.

5-6) “In America, food scams being conducted by the USDA in concert with food producers have inspired an ongoing cultural war between differing camps of Food Nazi Clones. Some of their battles can make heated abortion debate seem like a friendly chat over tea and biscuits.”

Ah, tea and biscuits! What could be more pleasant? Stay tuned next week for my delicious biscuit recipe!

Hah! Did you fall for that clever ruse, you filthy girly-men? I don’t have a biscuit recipe. BISCUITS ARE DEATH. BISCUITS HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A BILLION TITANICS YOU KNOW THE SHIP NOT THE MOVIE.

7) “Fat is your friend, and without it you will die.”

Stay tuned next week for my bacon-wrapped bacon recipe! IT MAY WELL SAVE YOUR LIFE. EAT BACON IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

8) “Nothing says Going Your Own Way like driving past the grocery store with a smile on your face.”

Screw you, ladies! No grocery stores for me! Because manly eaters PRODUCE the FOOD they eat! By the way, does anyone know how to get chicken poop out of a shag rug? Actually, scratch that, does anyone know how to get chickens out of a condo? I mean, ok, confession time: I set up a couple of chicken coops in the corner of the living room while my girlfriend was out-of-town – yeah Men Going Their Own Way can have girlfriends so screw you – and, well, I think I might have bought roosters by mistake and several of those angry bastards have gotten loose and roosters are way more aggressive than you might think. Anyway, long story short, I’m trapped in the den and I’m running out of food – at least of RATIONAL MAN FOOD and I may be forced to eat a wafer.

Also, speaking of eating, I think the roosters might have eaten my girlfriend.

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Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

Food Nazi Clones? I don’t remember those from that Gregory Peck flick, but it’s been a few years.

And there is no “heated abortion debate”. Who would want a cold abortion? You want to be comfy.

Falconer
5 years ago

“In America, food scams being conducted by the USDA in concert with food producers have inspired an ongoing cultural war between differing camps of Food Nazi Clones. Some of their battles can make heated abortion debate seem like a friendly chat over tea and biscuits.”

I saw people talking about Elam’s food conspiracies in the comments last night, but I thought it was subtext, I never dreamed it was text. I really should know better by now. Elam talks first and does damage control later.

Falconer
5 years ago

I’ve seen that tomato-smashing chef before. Maybe in an old National Lampoon magazine? Now there was a bastion of male entitlement.

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

So it’s actually about ethics in food journalism?

sorceressensorcelled
sorceressensorcelled
5 years ago

Wait, so, he’s LITERALLY admiting to making up his own facts, reality be damned?

I am going to pee myself, I’m laughing so hard!

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
5 years ago

Why are there different camps of Food Nazi Clones? Aren’t they clones? Shouldn’t they all be the same?

Melyanna
5 years ago

I tried to read the full post, but got bored at the second paragraph.
Your abridged version is much more entertaining!

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
5 years ago

LMAO! Thanks, Dave, that’s a great morning (or anytime) read.

Elam should start his own Food Histrionics Channel to promote The Knowledge Diet.

Its motto: “You say potato; I say Death-Bringing Food Nazi Clones!!!”

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
5 years ago

@Emmy Rae:

“Why are there different camps of Food Nazi Clones? Aren’t they clones? Shouldn’t they all be the same?”

Because the Nazis had multiple camps? Gotta stick with the concept all the way, no?

Either that, or they vary in the degree of their Nazism. So you have Nazi, Nazier, and Naziest Clones, the last ones being deadliest; but it’s essentially the same variety, with just minor genetic modification tweaks.

maghavan
maghavan
5 years ago

No mention of the feminist conspiracy to replace men with chocolate bonbons?

Karalora
5 years ago

Twenty bucks says Elam doesn’t know how to prepare anything more complicated than instant soup.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Like I said yesterday, I can’t actually see Paulie or any other miggie-toes actually producing their own food. They have lazy minds, and their bodies must logically follow. Who’s gonna dig the garden and slop the hawgs? Not Paulie and his merry men. Nope, they’re gonna shove it all off on the wimminz, as usual.

I double-dog dare any one of them to come and try to dig my garden. I bet most of them wouldn’t know a spade fork if they stepped on one…and got smacked in the face by the tines.

weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

I’m on the misandry diet. I cook my pasta in male tears instead of water.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

differing camps of Food Nazi Clones

Uh, Paulie? Your ManLogic™ don’t good. If there are “differing camps”, then how can they be clones?

Next thing you know he’ll be telling us that Nazis and Communists are all really the same, because SOSHALIZM.

andrea harris
5 years ago

Come on. You all know that cooking delicious meals out of varied ingredients is part of the Feminist Conspiracy To Undermine Real Men. The proper male way of eating is to run down your own deer, kill it with your bare hands, and eat the flesh raw. It sure does dismay the office when you come in after your “breakfast” dripping with gore, but those people are a bunch of beta pansies anyway.

MrFoster
MrFoster
5 years ago

I would imagine finding out that Paul Elam has a damned cooking column would make some of you need a literal palate cleanser so I think I’ll share with you guys my favorite cooking blog:

http://janicepoonart.blogspot.com/

Probably not a lot of the people who read and post here watch the NBC Hannibal show, but the show’s food consultant is an all around awesome human being with cool recipes that can be impressive without being gaudy. Use it to impress and troll your friends.

sunnysombrera
5 years ago

Red Pill Real Men make macaroni cheese from scratch. In which I mean that instead of opening a can of the stuff they boil dried pasta and add cheese sauce from a jar.

TOTAL ALPHA MOVE.

anemonerosie
5 years ago

http://www.amazon.com/Man-Can-Microwave-Tasty-Series/dp/157954892X
So much inspiration, Elam. I did your work for you. It must be the woman in me.

Malitia
Malitia
5 years ago

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Not bacon!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t want to associate bacon with this person! Bacon is magic. I heard it from the most trustworthy of sources!

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/fe/77/df/fe77df77a53578f5f46dbeb169fb7e77.jpg

(That’s Marvel’s Loki from the Young Avengers… so no he isn’t trustworthy at all, not to mention fictional.)

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
5 years ago

Some of their battles can make heated abortion debate seem like a friendly chat over tea and biscuits.

No, no, no, you don’t heat abortion debate. You deep-fry it. What kind of cooking column is this?

Lauren Clodi Whitehead

It sounds like he’s cribbing from keto and paleo diets — fat is good, sugar is bad, don’t trust the FDA as a neutral source of dietary information. None of what he’s saying is ground-breaking or original… but it would be a shame for him to acknowledge that, wouldn’t it?

Falconer
5 years ago

I am not going to make a deep-fat-fried turkey house fire joke about abortion debate.

Oh hey, there’s my shame. I wondered where it got to.

Roger B.A. Klorese
Roger B.A. Klorese
5 years ago

OK, but… factually, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, and lots right with it. It’s not innovative at all, and its tone is the bluster we expect. But he could save a lot of stupid evil jerks from hype 2 diabetes.

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
5 years ago

MMM… wwth when can I come over for pasta? I’ll bring a big manly steak to eat without sharing it with any men.

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
5 years ago

Or would it be more misandrous to eat tofu?

Zolnier
5 years ago

I was really hoping for some kind of testosterone, action packed guide to cooking a potato bake, where the cook opens his sour cream by putting it between his pecs and flexing.

Also nazi food clones? Can Captain America cook?

Tracy
Tracy
5 years ago

Chef John is my favourite manchef bc he’s freakin adorable. Oh, and his recipes are good too:

Seriously, MAKE THIS. Be warned that if you give any away, you will then be hassled non-stop for more.

Lea
Lea
5 years ago

*gigglesnort*

Malitia
Malitia
5 years ago

I’m not as deeply into superheroes as I used to but the only super (and not really hero) I can recall to cook or talk about self-made food is Loki (Loki: Agent of Asgard #4).

I’m a nerd.

Miss Andry
5 years ago

REAL men eat the rôti sans pareil — a meal that consists of 17 birds stuffed inside one another.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
5 years ago

It’s even more misandrous to make men eat tofu.

Falconer
5 years ago

I’m not surprised. Spider-Man bought him a hot dog once.

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m41ng1qr551rw2b6io1_1280.jpg

So of course he’s all, no no, I’m good.

I can’t find it at the moment, but there’s an Avengers issue where Thor did a grill up and was also doubtful about hot dogs. He admits that he tried to cook a lobster, but the beast bested him.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
5 years ago

That was a reply to Emmy Rae.

There was that one Pierre comic was “pick-up agriculture”. Now we need one in the same vein for “men cooking their own way”. That recent one was awesome BTW.

freemage
5 years ago

You folks clearly lack Advanced Conspiracy Theory Comprehension. Obviously, the ‘camps’ of Food Nazi Clones are just a ruse–a RUSE, I say! After Hitler’s scientists bred the first Food Nazi, he was smuggled into Argentina before the end of the war. There, he was cloned, into a small army. But the remnants of the high command, realizing the error of a single invasion force, cleverly broke the Food Nazi Clone Army into multiple groups, called ‘camps’, which were then scattered across the U.S. and Europe.

These FNC camps then staged mock-battles, in order to lull everyone into thinking they were opposed. But whether part of the Gluten Free Nazis of Northern California, or the Red Wine In Moderation Nazis of the French Riviera, all of the camps are still receiving their orders from the Food Fuhrer, Hitler’s Chef’s Brain, kept alive in a pickling jar all these decades (Hitler really did die in the bunker, but his household staff, well, that’s another story; the less you know about the Hitler Chimmneysweep Bot, the better).

These mock-battles actually serve to position the camps in proper position to round up all the MGTOWs and put them into Feminine Exposure Camps, where they will be forced to stand in the presence of a woman, without hitting on her or negging her, for a full five minutes every day. They will also be required to wipe their own bottoms and occasionally wash their hair in a sink.

Falconer
5 years ago

Oh my god, last week we turned this place into Tumblr. Is this week’s theme Scans Daily?

Zolnier
5 years ago

I’m pretty sure Miracleman cooked his wife a meal at some point, this probably irks the MRAs more than the benevolent dictatorship thing. Plus he is all their cuckolding nightmares made manifest and given superpowers.

Malitia
Malitia
5 years ago

It’s a quest in the name of science to figure out the great mystery of which superheroes/anti-heroes/villains can cook. :3 FOR SCIENCE!

Falconer
5 years ago

All-Star Superman cooks Lois Lane a romantic dinner in the first-class dining room of the Titanic, to one of its menus.

(Because of course he recovered the Titanic, put it back together, and then kept it for himself, the dick.)

I’m sure Peter and Mary Jane Parker cooked for each other, but I don’t have specific references.

Bruce Wayne doesn’t cook — Alfred does — but I’m sure Harley and Ivy cook for each other.

Because I have shipped Harley/Ivy since before it was cool Batman the Animated Series

Nequam
Nequam
5 years ago

Falconer: I have a suspicion that the picture is from Stan Freberg’s famous Contadina Tomato Paste ad campaign (“Who put eight great tomatoes in that little bitty can?”).

Falconer
5 years ago

@Nequam: See, it’s precisely that sort of ad copy that National Lampoon loved to parody, once upon a time.

Leum
Leum
5 years ago

OT, but Dan Savage recently graced us with his opinion of nonbinary people (link). It’s about what you’d expect.

Zolnier
5 years ago

Plus in the Silver Age Superman baked continental cakes ever six months or so.

NonServiam
5 years ago

Food. Nazi. Clones. What video game does he live in??

Zolnier
5 years ago

I suppose that Maria from Uber’s ability to make nutrient paste doesn’t count?

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
5 years ago

Misandry meal- salad with nothing but dressing and tofu

serrana
serrana
5 years ago

I predict all of Paulie’s recipes will involve lots of meat. THERE IS A FEMINIST CONSPIRACY TO MAKE YOU EAT YOUR VEGETABLES. Also, I am eating tofu and vegetables RIGHT NOW. I am a Nazi Food Clone. Who loves camping. Or something.

Tigerbos
Tigerbos
5 years ago

Hilarious…the only positive that may come from this is less men will be yelling to females to fix them sammichs.

Falconer
5 years ago

It is widely known that Lex Luthor doesn’t cook. He subsists entirely on cakes which he has stolen.

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