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Do You Even Cook, Bro? The 8 Manliest Sentences in Paul Elam's Cooking Column for Men

Now it's time to Fuck The Tomatoes Up
Now it’s time to Fuck The Tomatoes Up

So our old friend Paul Elam has launched a new cooking column for Men Going Their Own Way. I mentioned it yesterday but hadn’t gotten around to reading his first installment. Intrigued by the quotes some of my readers were posting in the comments here, I actually went over to A Voice for Men and read it.

Alas, there were no recipes, but Elam wasn’t shy about dispensing some RED PILL WISDOM about the fine art science of eating stuff.

And so I would like to share with you the 8 Manliest Sentences from Elam’s “Eating MGTOW: Learn the food, dude.”

Plus some additional thoughts from Elam than I was able to access with my amazing powers of extrasensory perception.

1) “If I had to give an actual name to my approach to eating, it would be called “The Knowledge Diet.”

Screw all you ladies and lady-men and your illogical, emotion-driven approach to eating! Real men eat RATIONALLY. We do everything rationally. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FOOD FEELS.

2) “Let’s start with some basic facts, and by facts I mean what I believe to be true.”

You think your facts are facts? ONLY MY FACTS ARE FACTS. BECAUSE I SAID SO, that’s why.

3) “The United States Sugar Corporation has killed more people than RJ Reynolds, Philip Morris, and street corner drug dealers have ever dreamed of.”

Yeah, try to argue with this FACT. You can’t! Because I can’t hear you! I’ve got my fingers in my ears! Nanny nanny boo boo, I can’t hear you.

4) “The agendas running rampant in food journalism make #gamergate, by comparison, small potatoes.”

And small potatoes are bad. So are big potatoes. DON’T EAT POTATOES. POTATOES ARE DEATH. POTATOES HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A MILLION CHARLES MANSONS.

5-6) “In America, food scams being conducted by the USDA in concert with food producers have inspired an ongoing cultural war between differing camps of Food Nazi Clones. Some of their battles can make heated abortion debate seem like a friendly chat over tea and biscuits.”

Ah, tea and biscuits! What could be more pleasant? Stay tuned next week for my delicious biscuit recipe!

Hah! Did you fall for that clever ruse, you filthy girly-men? I don’t have a biscuit recipe. BISCUITS ARE DEATH. BISCUITS HAVE KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN A BILLION TITANICS YOU KNOW THE SHIP NOT THE MOVIE.

7) “Fat is your friend, and without it you will die.”

Stay tuned next week for my bacon-wrapped bacon recipe! IT MAY WELL SAVE YOUR LIFE. EAT BACON IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

8) “Nothing says Going Your Own Way like driving past the grocery store with a smile on your face.”

Screw you, ladies! No grocery stores for me! Because manly eaters PRODUCE the FOOD they eat! By the way, does anyone know how to get chicken poop out of a shag rug? Actually, scratch that, does anyone know how to get chickens out of a condo? I mean, ok, confession time: I set up a couple of chicken coops in the corner of the living room while my girlfriend was out-of-town – yeah Men Going Their Own Way can have girlfriends so screw you – and, well, I think I might have bought roosters by mistake and several of those angry bastards have gotten loose and roosters are way more aggressive than you might think. Anyway, long story short, I’m trapped in the den and I’m running out of food – at least of RATIONAL MAN FOOD and I may be forced to eat a wafer.

Also, speaking of eating, I think the roosters might have eaten my girlfriend.

Please send money.

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paradoxicalintent
paradoxicalintent
5 years ago

Falconer

That’s pure dudebro wank material, sorry to say.

In related news, Korra/Asami is totally, word-o-god canon

I thought it was kind of cute, but yeah…I really wish cis, straight dudes would stop fetishizing lesbians (and just women in general and every possible denomination of women. I mean, let’s face it…)

I SAW THAT. Just everything about that made me SO HAPPY.

Though, there were the “They’re just *really good friends*!” people, and I just kinda had to side-eye them a bit. Nah, son. That’s straight up, 100% bisexuality right there.

Yay Korrsami!

Zolnier
5 years ago

Plus Harley’s relationship with the ecological terrorist who kills people for not watering her flowers is still way more healthy than her one with the Joker.

skiriki
5 years ago

I’m still trying to comprehend whatever the Hell Magneto was doing back in 2001.

If it helps you, Morrison’s ideas got some Executive Meddling, and the entire Xorn-no-mwahahaha-I-was-actually-Magneto wasn’t supposed to go that way.

Shaenon
5 years ago

Wolverine baked a cake for Peter Parker after he accidentally squashed the one Peter was hauling along to a party.

I WROTE THAT COMIC. And yes, of course I put him in a “Kiss the Cook” apron.

katz
5 years ago

Shaenon: You did? That’s fabulous.

Zolnier
5 years ago

Really? This is like the time where Kit Whitefield was commenting on Anna Mardoll’s Narnia deconstructions.

Also as for Grant Morrison and Magneto, I still think having him herd humans into gas chambers was utterly stupid.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Shaenon: WAY COOL!

:)!!

Kootiepatra
5 years ago

Somehow I imagine every future MGTOW cooking column as a How To Basic cooking video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvJHVyTGXXg

friday jones
friday jones
5 years ago

@kittehserf – OMG that’s hilarious did you ‘Shop that just now? 😀

skiriki
5 years ago

@Shaenon:

I WROTE THAT COMIC. And yes, of course I put him in a “Kiss the Cook” apron.

OMG YOU DID? THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. 😀 Pls write more, lots and lots and lots of comics. I laughed my butt off and really enjoyed that issue.

Let me put it this way: I’ve probably read like 90% of all Wolverine-related comics (okay maybe by now 75%, haven’t caught up in a year or two, and hooboy he is all over the place), and the fact that this particular story stuck to my mind as a reference is proof how much I liked it.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

friday jones – no, I actually found pics of Yoda cooking on the ‘net! 😀

Shaenon, whoa! ::is greatly impressed::

Lea
Lea
5 years ago

My oldest son loves to cook like mom and dad. He’s getting his own measuring cups, an apron and a matching oven mitt in his stocking. He love Good Eats and Cupcake Wars. Today is his birthday and he wants to make his own cake. He planned his cake some time ago.

Yesterday we made gingerbread cookies and tomorrow we’re making butter mints.

Hubby is making a ham and all the sides tomorrow.

Elam thinking cooking is gendered is just sad and his approach to food is so joyless and depressing.

Manosphere fans and writers make sex sound horrible, marriage sound horrible, parenthood sound horrible and now Elam makes cooking and eating sound horrible.

Is there anything other than thinking of battered women that makes that misogynist happy?

bluecatbabe
bluecatbabe
5 years ago

Reading Elam on food, why am I immediately reminded of the “They’re Happy Because They Eat Lard” spoof poster?

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Manosphere fans and writers make sex sound horrible, marriage sound horrible, parenthood sound horrible and now Elam makes cooking and eating sound horrible.

I really think we need to start calling them the Misanthroposphere. Because when you get right down to it, all they ever do is hatemonger and make life miserable…for themselves as much as anyone else. How even THEY can stand living with them, I don’t know.

Nequam
Nequam
5 years ago

Is there anything other than thinking of battered women that makes that misogynist happy?

Thinking about rape?

Geez, that’s a depressing notion. Lemme just tell you guys I plan to make extra-spicy gingersnaps (the secret is a little white pepper and dry mustard) today. Recipe here:

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/extra-spicy-gingersnaps

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

“Joyless and depressing” pretty much sums up most manosphere activity. If they’re feeling joyless and depressed then that’s sad and they should indeed try to do something about it, but why they think leeching the joy out of everyone else’s lives is an appropriate solution I’m not sure.

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
5 years ago

They really are living proof of the old adage that misery loves company.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

They don’t even want women to be as miserable as they are – they want us to be far worse off, so they can enjoy it.

paradoxicalintent
paradoxicalintent
5 years ago

It must be so *tiring* to be so joyless and miserable all the damn time. I can’t even manage staying upset for very long, or else I just get tired and give up on it and watch some YouTube videos. : P

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

I don’t give a fuck if it tires them, actually. As long as they’re unable to spread it around (and a more impotent crew you couldn’t find) then I’m perfectly happy for them to be utterly wretched. Instant karma and all that.

Falconer
5 years ago

@paradoxicalintent:

I thought it was kind of cute, but yeah…I really wish cis, straight dudes would stop fetishizing lesbians (and just women in general and every possible denomination of women. I mean, let’s face it…)

It is cute, on one level, and on another it just seemed like plain ol’ comic-book woman-ogling.

I SAW THAT. Just everything about that made me SO HAPPY.

Though, there were the “They’re just *really good friends*!” people, and I just kinda had to side-eye them a bit. Nah, son. That’s straight up, 100% bisexuality right there.

Yay Korrsami!

I haven’t seen more than the first episode of LoK and assorted screenshots, but it made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

@Zolnier:

Plus Harley’s relationship with the ecological terrorist who kills people for not watering her flowers is still way more healthy than her one with the Joker.

Amen to that. I think Ivy actually values Harley as her own person.

Nevertheless, it must be fraught, stealing kisses in that relationship….

Zolnier
5 years ago

Plus minor superpowers is better than any present I’ve ever gotten someone.

DS
DS
4 years ago

He’s actually sort of right about the fat being your friend bit. Read “Wheat Belly” and basically anything about the paleo diet.