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4 More Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life

Some people are no good at giving advice
Some people are no good at giving advice

The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive continues! If you haven’t already, please consider sending some bucks my way. (And don’t worry that the PayPal page says Man Boobz.) Thanks!

You may remember Hesse Kassell — aka “strongsloth” — as the supremely creepy Return of Kings contributor who argued, among other awful things, that women in relationships should never be allowed to say no to sex.

Well, he’s back with a new Return of Kings post. This time, he’s aiming his prohibitions at men, with a list of “10 things men should never try.”

Somehow, this new list manages to be as skeezy and awful as the last one I wrote about — quite an achievement, even for a Return of Kingser, particularly since several of the items on the list (jail, smoking, gambling, consumer credit) are things that guys probably should try to avoid. But the rest of the list is a concentrated mass of weird assumptions and outright bigotry.

So let me bring to you what I’d like to call the Top Four Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life.

Let’s start off with the first item in strongsloth’s “list of things that make no sense when the costs and benefits are considered” — “Sex reassignment.”

A man has the fixed sexual function of providing sperm. A girl has the fixed sexual function of providing eggs and carrying the baby. When someone pretends they can change sexual function it ends badly.

Not only is this virulently transphobic, obviously, but I’m pretty sure that there’s more to sex than having babies, and that very little about sexuality is “fixed” by the particular genitalia we’re born with.

Strongsloth then moves on to consider prostitution. After posting a picture of two seemingly random women he apparently thinks are prostitutes, he offers this reason why men should avoid their deadly embraces:

A prostitute takes a man’s strength, then his money but gives nothing in return.

Huh. Prostitutes take a man’s strength? I thought that General Jack T. Ripper was a fictional character.

And then it’s on to the evils of piercing and tattoos. Once again strongsloth seems to be channelling the General:

A man’s body is his only tool. It makes no sense to drill holes in it or deface it with pictures. All bodies age, decay, and die, but why accelerate the process?

Last in my list, but not least, strongsloth warns dudes to avoid the temptation of … other dudes:

Some men are apparently tempted to perform homosexual acts. A man who does endangers his health, fertility, and mental well-being. Every man has the power of choice. Make the smart choice.

I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.

 

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kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

I’m just still giggling at the idea that “reading RoK” would be a sign of being an Alpha, let alone of being intelligent. “You need to refer to a website as a guide for how to act around women. You stud, you.”

kittehserf
9 years ago

You’re prolly right, kirby – my trolldar’s on the blink today. ::raps head::

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

Trolldars are finicky bits of equipment. Make sure you’ve been vaccuming out the filter and wiping down the surface with a soft cloth, warm water, and mild detergent. After powering it down first, of course, otherwise the circuitry will short out and you’ll start seeing trolls everywhere.

Not a pleasent experience.

If that doesn’t work, you could try unplugging it and holding the power button for thirty seconds to clear out the capacitors. Should help iron out the bugs.

Noadi
9 years ago

I read b.tom.darga as being a parody on “Penthouse Letters” which often started with something along the lines of “I never thought this would happen to me” and continued to some ridiculous scenario that never ever happened. If it was meant seriously then I don’t know.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

Eh, I could easily be wrong too. I like to think I’m pretty good at picking up sarcasm, but my sarcometer could be on the fritz as well.

My apologies, tom, if you weren’t serious.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
9 years ago

Reads like a parody of letters to Penthouse forum to me too.

proxieme
proxieme
9 years ago

Oh, GrumpyOldMan – I’m actually goin to have to retract my last statement re: our new maul.

It’s not a maul.

Oh, no – It’s so much more.
Fiskars X27 Super Splitting Axe, 36-Inch https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004M3BAQE/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_P2xLub13QP24V

And it’s a thing of pure beauty.
I split more wood yesterday than I’ve /ever/ split before (my husband has a great deal more upper body strength than me, so that’s usually delegated to him just for efficiency’s sake) and today…
…wait for it…
…I’m not sore at all.
Like, at all-at all.

It’s only 4lbs (so half the weight of our old maul) but its design allows for some really wicked splitting action.
I was even taking out large rounds of seasoned hardwood with little issue.

We might have to break out the maul and spike for especially knotty or large rounds, but the splitting axe was able to handle everything that I threw at it yesterday.
Oh! And my husband actually split *through* one round and split the block round underneath with one strike!
It was nuts.

/derailment

Bina
9 years ago

Dear WeHuntedTheMammoth,

I can’t believe something like this ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t believe it if it didn’t happen to me but …..

Yup, definitely a Penthouse Forum letter parody.

Also, “mobile device” could mean tablet, not just cellphone. I don’t have a cellphone, but I do have an iPad.

andiexist
andiexist
9 years ago
Reply to  kirbywarp

Second, waaaayyyy too heavy on the adjectives. Your purple prose is half-way to urple.

urple

Was that a reference to the Protectors of the Plot Continuum?

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago
andiexist
andiexist
9 years ago

@kirbywarp

You linked to the PPC wiki… so is that a yes? ^_^

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

@andiexist:

Oh, apparently it is? I have no idea what PPC is, and I first heard the term from somewhere else.

So… Yes!

b.tom.darga
b.tom.darga
9 years ago

Noadi and Bindia win the round. As for serious …. Dear God NO! Do yourself a favor and keep listening to your instincts, not kirbywarp … who has an established habit of missing the point by a wide margin.

Kirbywarp …. Poe’s Law, Look it up. It takes SERIOUS cluelessness to miss as much obvious as you managed to. You’ve been calling me a troll ever since I disagreed with you on one thing I don’t even remember. I am not a troll. You, however, are an uptight jackass.

thebewildernesst
9 years ago

Eff you b.tom. You make my skin crawl, you are a troll. No second chances. How effing dare you grade people on how well they see through what you claim to be deceit.

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
9 years ago

Kirbywarp is not the only one here who thinks you are a creepy troll. You make my skin crawl, b.tom.darga

kittehserf
9 years ago

b.tom.darga – people can misread things. It happens. Don’t bother jumping on kirbywarp like that: he’s been here a long time and is a well-known regular. No, that doesn’t mean “incapable of mistakes/immune from criticism”; it means he’s got credibility as a not-jackass and very far from clueless.

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
9 years ago

It can be really hard to gauge meaning and intent over the Internet without explicit sarcasm tags or mega-careful wording; even I’ve fallen into that trap before (so, so many times =P). It’s really nothing for to get your hackles up over or start flinging insults around for.

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
9 years ago

“Nothing for to get.” Where the hell did that come from. *Nothing to get.

kittehserf
9 years ago

I dunno, I rather like the “nothing for to get” wording. 🙂

kittehserf
9 years ago

OT this made me laugh: Brad Pitt’s been excused jury duty because he’s “too distracting”. As a lawyer said, “You can’t just stick Brad Pitt in a jury box and expect 11 jurors to ignore him.”

I’m loving this – imagine how frothy the scrotospherians will be! XD

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

… huh.

B.tom.darga, have I even talked to you much? Like, at all? Apart from something way way back where I thought you were a troll, I don’t recall commenting on anything you’ve said. I don’t even recall commenting that I thought you were a troll at the time. Yet somehow you think I’ve got some long-established relationship with you.

Poe’s Law is all about how it’s difficult to differentiate parody from an actual position… So invoking that and then saying it takes “SERIOUS cluelessness to miss as much obvious [sic]” is a bit odd.

Hey peeps, do I have an “established habit of missing the point” or being an uptight jackass? If so, I want to work on that…

mildlymagnificent
9 years ago

No problem, kirbywarp. You’re OK. I can’t think of anything you’ve said that’s seemed off to me. (Or if I did it was so inconsequential that it’s disappeared down the memory hole.)

kittehserf
9 years ago

kirby, nope! You’re one of the many smart and funny people here. I was chuffed when you came back to the site after being away a while.

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
9 years ago

Tell ya what Kirbywarp. Since poes law means the opposite to b.tom I suggest that what he is saying about you missing the point means that you usually take the point.
The beauty of mocking trolls is that if they play by Humpty Dumpty language rules, so can we.
I totes thing the b.tom is a troll.

brooked
brooked
9 years ago

Hey Kirbywarp, you got to loosen up and stop being an uptight square, you dig big daddy?

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhcxpj7Psl1qzfsnio1_400.jpg

(Actually it was an honest mistake and I don’t get b.tom’s hostility.)