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4 More Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life

Some people are no good at giving advice
Some people are no good at giving advice

The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive continues! If you haven’t already, please consider sending some bucks my way. (And don’t worry that the PayPal page says Man Boobz.) Thanks!

You may remember Hesse Kassell — aka “strongsloth” — as the supremely creepy Return of Kings contributor who argued, among other awful things, that women in relationships should never be allowed to say no to sex.

Well, he’s back with a new Return of Kings post. This time, he’s aiming his prohibitions at men, with a list of “10 things men should never try.”

Somehow, this new list manages to be as skeezy and awful as the last one I wrote about — quite an achievement, even for a Return of Kingser, particularly since several of the items on the list (jail, smoking, gambling, consumer credit) are things that guys probably should try to avoid. But the rest of the list is a concentrated mass of weird assumptions and outright bigotry.

So let me bring to you what I’d like to call the Top Four Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life.

Let’s start off with the first item in strongsloth’s “list of things that make no sense when the costs and benefits are considered” — “Sex reassignment.”

A man has the fixed sexual function of providing sperm. A girl has the fixed sexual function of providing eggs and carrying the baby. When someone pretends they can change sexual function it ends badly.

Not only is this virulently transphobic, obviously, but I’m pretty sure that there’s more to sex than having babies, and that very little about sexuality is “fixed” by the particular genitalia we’re born with.

Strongsloth then moves on to consider prostitution. After posting a picture of two seemingly random women he apparently thinks are prostitutes, he offers this reason why men should avoid their deadly embraces:

A prostitute takes a man’s strength, then his money but gives nothing in return.

Huh. Prostitutes take a man’s strength? I thought that General Jack T. Ripper was a fictional character.

And then it’s on to the evils of piercing and tattoos. Once again strongsloth seems to be channelling the General:

A man’s body is his only tool. It makes no sense to drill holes in it or deface it with pictures. All bodies age, decay, and die, but why accelerate the process?

Last in my list, but not least, strongsloth warns dudes to avoid the temptation of … other dudes:

Some men are apparently tempted to perform homosexual acts. A man who does endangers his health, fertility, and mental well-being. Every man has the power of choice. Make the smart choice.

I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.

 

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schwadevivre
9 years ago

As Sir Terry points out:

Vampires are resilient. They may have managed to rise, (repeatedly,) from the grave, to survive being sealed in a glass bottle in vapour form, (and then thrown into the sea,) to be powdered to dust and restored by the merest drop of b-vord… but if this vampire should manage to rise from the cat, the normal action of biology and digestion means this only is the start of its troubles …

ParadoxicalIntention
9 years ago

Kittehserf

Trivia: it’s suggested that that’s why Stoker described Dracula as having hairy palms. Which is quite bizarre.

There appears to be all kinds of “moral debauchery” in Dracula. I was reading a copy that had some extra footnotes thrown in by a literary scholar, and one of them suggested that Dracula might have been bisexual. (He looked down at Harker, who was pretending to be asleep at the time right after he was attacked by the vampire brides and said “I, too, have loved.”)

The footnote stated he was gay, but I think bisexual is a little more accurate, considering he’s had sexual attraction to women (His lover, who upon her death, he turned himself into a vampire, Mina, the vampire brides, Mina’s friend Lucy), but also to men. Unless Harker is the exception? I have heard of people who were one sexual orientation having one or two exceptions….unless it’s just bisexuality and Harker’s the only man he’s ever really been attracted to….

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Also, allow me to join in the chant of “Eeeew Twilight”. Mostly because 50 Shades of Grey, a far, FAR worse book (Twilight’s still terrible though) started as a Twilight fanfiction that E.L. James changed 20 percent of and published. >: P

Shiia (@cerebral_artery)

So, last one says all men have a choice, so why not choose to avoid prostitutes? Idiot.

Puddleglum
9 years ago

There isn’t a parasite that does this to humans but theoretically it could be possible. They’re less far fetched than vampires and werewolves.

Parasite by Mira Grant (Hugo nominee last year).

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

Also this book, which I’ve heard awesome things about.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0316278157/?tag=slatmaga-20

weirwoodtreehugger
9 years ago

More rage inducing links!

weirwoodtreehugger
9 years ago

Um, it would help to include the actual link wouldn’t it?
http://jezebel.com/someone-wrote-erotica-about-a-video-game-designer-getti-1673233184

kittehserf
9 years ago

Also I overheard some teenagers at the park once talking about how your bits get hairy and was like nah (even though I had explanation books with cartoons showing said hairyness)

There’s a bit in my favourite Peter Pan fanfic where Pan’s spying on Hook in his cabin, and nearly pukes because he’s big! and hairy! and he scratches!

schwadevivre, I

love

that bit when Greebo eats the vampire. They’ve risen from the grave, the crypt, but never the cat …

I was reading a copy that had some extra footnotes thrown in by a literary scholar,

Oh, was that The Annotated Dracula, ParadoxicalIntention? I’ve got that, it’s very good.

weirwoodtreehugger
9 years ago

In non rage inducing links, this cracked me up because it’s literally about WHORE PENGUINS!http://io9.com/10-animals-that-trade-sex-for-favors-1673049102

proxieme
proxieme
9 years ago

Weir – Taking a break from chopping wood (we have a new maul! I’m excited about this! wheeee!), but your links look ragey/fun without clicking through.

Re: parasites/zombies: The Last of Us (game) featured zombies-by-spore.

Spores –>Neural nfection—>urge to bite/attack others —>spores further spread

As it progresses in a host, the (alien?) fungus crowds out other functions.
In the intermediate stage, the host loses sight and but has hyperactive hearing and strength paired with an ever more pronounced lack of sensitivity to pain (repurposed brain regions + endocrine system cranked to 11?).
In the penultimate stage, the host is as much fungus as animal and spews streams of spores at attackers. It ends with the host becoming a stationary fungal blossom actively cranking out spore clouds.

Interesting concept & requires much less of a suspension of disbelief than walking corpses.

b.tom.darga
b.tom.darga
9 years ago

Dear WeHuntedTheMammoth,

I can’t believe something like this ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t believe it if it didn’t happen to me but …..

Recently, I was reading The Return of Kings on my mobile device while riding the subway, not really paying any attention to what was going on around me, when I heard this sexy-sultry voice say “Oh look baby. This is an intelligent man right here. And intelligent men are the sexiest men”. I looked up and saw this amazing, smoking hot blonde. She was tall, with a real athletic bod. She was talking to another stunning raven-haired vixen with amazing curves and a very large rack, and gesturing towards me.

I hesitated because at first I couldn’t believe they were talking about me. After a few seconds, the blonde said “Going to say anything, stranger? ” and flashed me the sexiest smile. I was floored, but I had to think fast.

I flashed my cockiest smile back and said “So, what gave me away?”

“When you see a man reading Return of Kings, it’s a dead giveaway that he’s a real Alpha ” she purred.

“Darn. And here I thought my Beta-disguise was almost perfect!”. I stepped towards her.

She rose, seductively, from her seat while gesturing to her voluptuous friend. “Say, my friend and I are getting off at the next stop. If you’re not too busy, perhaps you could get off with us”.

“I would love to get off with you. Of course, I’m a gentleman who believes in ladies-first, so I insist that both of you get off before I do”.

They giggled delightfully as they stepped towards the door ….

* TO BE CONTINUED *

Kate
Kate
9 years ago

Vampire soccer hooligans would be quite funny, though, or vampire ice hockey. How to control the bloodlust when someone gets a bloody nose? 2 minutes in the box for unauthorized biting.

Fun game for those who can’t visit WHTM as often as we’d like… read the article and then try and figure out how the conversation managed to get from there to the topic in the first post on the most recent comment page…

I always go back and read, but wow, this one took my brain down some funny pathways!

Bina
9 years ago

“Erotica” about Zoe Quinn being gang-raped by Gomers? Um, methinks someone needs to look up what erotic actually means.

http://www.knowyourmeme.com/rage-guy-fffffuuuuuuuu

Bina
9 years ago

Also, from the Jezebel comments section, this bit of adorable, brain-bleaching win:

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–YC8c9aJA–/f9nado9gw3ssrn47bdg6.gif

GrumpyOldMan
9 years ago

@proxieme: I wonder if we could hijack this thread into a discussion of splitting mauls. I really love mine.

kittehserf
9 years ago

I love that cat gif! XD

Bina
9 years ago

Isn’t that gif the best? I especially love how the mama cat keeps looking straight into the camera as she trots past.

ParadoxicalIntention
9 years ago

kittehserf

Oh, was that The Annotated Dracula, ParadoxicalIntention? I’ve got that, it’s very good.

I can’t remember. I haven’t had that book for a long time (I moved states before college, and my mom has most of my stuff still, even though now I have my degree. My room in my grandma’s house is far too small for all my things. : P) Was it a black cover with a dark red D on the cover?

As for the Jezebel link: That’s just disgusting. I don’t have the words for how sick and wrong this is. I’m offended as a bibliophile, a woman, AND a gamer.

“Let’s write a novel about a female game developer getting raped who is based off of someone currently receiving death and rape threats but we’ll change her name (“Subtlety”? What in the name of Based Mom is *that*?), and then we’ll publish it and make money off of our gross fantasies of what we’d like to do to Zoe! What? No, we don’t care how she feels! Why should we? She’s an evil feminazi, and an enemy of ethics in game journalism! We’re the Good Guys here (and we’re also very Nice)!”

http://kellimarshall.net/my-blog/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2011/12/flames-on-the-side-of-my-face.gif

P.S. The Clue movie from 1985 is amazing and y’all should watch it and all three of its endings, yup yup.

Kestrel
Kestrel
9 years ago

I have to admit I am impressed by Ms. Quinn. She must be a very strong person and have a good support network. I really hope for every horrible thing that has happened to her this year she receives three good things in the next.

kittehserf
9 years ago

I actually got the titles mixed up, ParadoxicalIntention – the one I have is The Essential Dracula, edited by Leonard Wolf; The Annotated Dracula is edited by Leslie Klinger. They’ve been through several editions, so lots of covers.

Nequam
Nequam
9 years ago

Oh, I like Wolf’s Essential Dracula. Only copy of Dracula I’ve ever had that has a recipe for chicken paprikash in the footnotes (and it’s good, too!).

Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

I miss Madeline Kahn. Apropos of nothing.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

Huh… apparently b.tom.darga’s trying to make a last-minute effort to get in the running for troll of the year. Sorry tom, but random porn fic isn’t gonna get you very far.

Since you obviously want comments on your work, though, I’ll give you some free pointers!

First, points docked for the cliched click-baity opening. Seriously cringeworthy. I know you’re going for a “big fish” type story, but this sounds more like the beginning of a spam e-mail or an infomercial (“you won’t believe how much money I made working at home with this one simple trick”). Well, I guess it is, but you don’t have to be so obvious about it.

Second, waaaayyyy too heavy on the adjectives. Your purple prose is half-way to urple. Seriously, sometimes less is more. Another thing to keep in mind is that your verbs can be descriptive without adverbs. “She rose, seductively” is painfully ham-handed. How about using a verb other than “rose,” that way you can show how she was being seductive rather than just telling us she was? A longer description might help the pacing as well.

Third, your dialog and setup are ok, though pretty corny (which could work if carefully done), but you’ve got some major inconsitancies going on. Reading RoK is a sign of alphaness? That’s like saying reading a highschool math book is the sign of mathematical genius. Alphas wouldn’t need to read a handbook. Also, “beta-disguise?” Really? Why would one be trying to hide “alphaness?” Trying to keep a talent or aspect hidden is an interesting character trait, but this supposed to be cutesy dialogue, so it fails hard.

(On another note, if this dude is trying to be an Alpha in the RoK sense, why do you have him say that “ladies first” line? That goes against the “be an asshole who only cares about yourself and chicks will dig you” thing that RoK teaches. If that was a slip of the main character’s Beta nature, why does it still seem to resonate with the women? Another major inconsitancy you’ve got to work out)

Lastly, pay attention to your details. Envision the scene in your mind so your descriptors don’t get out of wack. Want an example? Answer this; is your main character sitting or standing? You don’t mention him getting up, yet he takes a step forward, so he must be standing. Yet he “looks up” to see the blonde woman, who is seated. And yet somehow she has seen his “mobile device” (call it a phone, seriously, people will know what you mean) in enough detail to see what website he’s browsing. Put a little thought into your scene so you don’t get tripped up.

Hope this was helpful!

kittehserf
9 years ago

welp

I’m going to have to read the comments again; first couple I saw from b.tom.darga the other week weren’t trolly.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

I thought I remembered b.tom.darga as a troll from a small ways back. Then they had a string of comments that weren’t as bad. *shrug*