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4 More Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life

Some people are no good at giving advice
Some people are no good at giving advice

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You may remember Hesse Kassell — aka “strongsloth” — as the supremely creepy Return of Kings contributor who argued, among other awful things, that women in relationships should never be allowed to say no to sex.

Well, he’s back with a new Return of Kings post. This time, he’s aiming his prohibitions at men, with a list of “10 things men should never try.”

Somehow, this new list manages to be as skeezy and awful as the last one I wrote about — quite an achievement, even for a Return of Kingser, particularly since several of the items on the list (jail, smoking, gambling, consumer credit) are things that guys probably should try to avoid. But the rest of the list is a concentrated mass of weird assumptions and outright bigotry.

So let me bring to you what I’d like to call the Top Four Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life.

Let’s start off with the first item in strongsloth’s “list of things that make no sense when the costs and benefits are considered” — “Sex reassignment.”

A man has the fixed sexual function of providing sperm. A girl has the fixed sexual function of providing eggs and carrying the baby. When someone pretends they can change sexual function it ends badly.

Not only is this virulently transphobic, obviously, but I’m pretty sure that there’s more to sex than having babies, and that very little about sexuality is “fixed” by the particular genitalia we’re born with.

Strongsloth then moves on to consider prostitution. After posting a picture of two seemingly random women he apparently thinks are prostitutes, he offers this reason why men should avoid their deadly embraces:

A prostitute takes a man’s strength, then his money but gives nothing in return.

Huh. Prostitutes take a man’s strength? I thought that General Jack T. Ripper was a fictional character.

And then it’s on to the evils of piercing and tattoos. Once again strongsloth seems to be channelling the General:

A man’s body is his only tool. It makes no sense to drill holes in it or deface it with pictures. All bodies age, decay, and die, but why accelerate the process?

Last in my list, but not least, strongsloth warns dudes to avoid the temptation of … other dudes:

Some men are apparently tempted to perform homosexual acts. A man who does endangers his health, fertility, and mental well-being. Every man has the power of choice. Make the smart choice.

I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.

 

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wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
9 years ago

I’m currently listening to The Rhesus Chart by Charles Stross, which has vampirism arise within a high-pressure research group focused on high-volume trades in a mega-bank. Which really updates the evil aristocrat vibe quite well.

pallygirl
pallygirl
9 years ago

Vampires and zombies, the whole “why doesn’t the body just decay because there’s no systems promoting homeostasis?” question is too much of an issue to get around for me.

Watching the Sarah Connor Chronicles at the moment: if I had more confidence in AI, cyborgs would be the thing that would make me worry in the future.

marinerachel
marinerachel
9 years ago

One thing that drives me nuts is when a zombie gets mutilated….. and bleeds. They’re already all decomposed and gross-looking. They would have bled out much earlier. Furthermore, even if there was some blood left in their bodies it wouldn’t be pumping because they’re dead so having it squirt out is just silly.

Catalpa
Catalpa
9 years ago

@wordsp1nner

I’ll add to your TMI re:discharge. When I was young, before I knew the mechanics of… pretty much anything human plumbing-related, I overheard some kind of joke that involved a gay guy getting white stuff all over a room, because he farted. I don’t recall the set up or why it was supposed to be funny, aside from the ‘hurr hurr buttsex’ angle.

In any case, it stuck with me somehow, and I had absolutely no idea what the ‘white stuff’ was. So when I started finding whitish smears on my underwear, I was like OH GOD IT’S A GAYNESS INDICATOR, I’M GAY. (I ended up being ace, but I digress)

…Yeah, I could have had a better sex education.

sn0rkmaiden
9 years ago

@ Catalpa, I hope you don’t mind my finding your revelations pretty hilarious.

Puts me in mind of my own misconceptions about sex when I was young. Like believing that women had external sex organs just like men, they just took longer to emerge. And among my school friends there was the belief that during PIV ‘it’ could get stuck during congress.

None the less I still think we were more savvy than Hesse Kassel.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
9 years ago

I have never been more grateful for nonsense-free sex education than I am right now, reading this stuff.

AltoFronto
AltoFronto
9 years ago

Talking about how masturbation is supposedly bad for you reminded me of this song, based on an actual medical textbook, The People’s Common Sense Medical Advisor.

Sung by transvestite occultist Andrew O’Neill and The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing.

kittehserf
9 years ago

I’ve heard of Burka Avenger before – such a cool idea!

Kakanian
Kakanian
9 years ago

What would be a good evil-rich-person sport, anyway? Besides hunting.

That Central Asian horsemanship sport where two teams have to drag an animal corps into their respective goals sounds like it could be staged evil and gross enough for evil-rich-persons, I think.

kittehserf
9 years ago

Basically any variation on hunting would do – just substitute humans for the animals and you’ve the perfect vampire sport.

Plus if they were your nocturnal vampires the quarry wouldn’t be able to see too well.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
9 years ago

How about ulama, with human heads?

Or wasting food in front of hungry orphans.

Ellesar
9 years ago

Are sperm and eggs sexual functions? I would have thought they would be classed as reproductive functions, as sex can be had without the involvement of eggs OR sperm (not all people are fertile, women do have sex with each other), and SO MANY sex acts are not reproductive. I am guessing that this poor sad man was brought up with religious fundamentalism, judging by his odd take on human sexuality.

Lea
Lea
9 years ago

I want these guys to avoid homosexual sex because its bad enough that women have to put up with their disgusting attitudes toward sex and relationships. Gay and bi dudes shouldn’t have to suffer too.

Unless they keep their all male sexy times among themselves. That would fine.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
9 years ago

Ideally they would all become PUAsexual, as in only interested in having sex with other PUAs.

sunnysombrera
9 years ago

Ellesar: Consensual Sex in the Missionary Position for the sole aim of Procreation.

seraph4377
9 years ago

@pallygirl – For vampires, the answer is usually magic. Even the least blatantly supernatural vampire is “No, really, where am I getting the energy for the strength of six men when I’m eating just blood”, and it goes all the way up to “I’m a creature with the mass of a full-grown man and I’m turning into a bat. And that bat can fly. It’s not just a 200-pound, immobile bat. Your rational argument is invalid.”

Zombies keep trying to pretend it’s scientific, which…yeah no, that’s not happening.

indexshrugged
9 years ago

@cassandrakitty-strictly PUAsexual would solve a lot of problems. They can go to their little corner, go their own way, and just leave the rest of us alone.
With that, have a kitten brain bleach:
http://www.lolcats.com/images/u/12/24/lolcatsdotcompromdate.jpg

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
9 years ago

I wish it was that simple but if the puas and other misognists became ‘missexual’? They would all be arguing on who would be on top.

Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

@seraph4377: Not to mention turn into mist, climb sheer walls, and whatever hinky thing Drac’s shadow was doing in Coppola’s movie.

Miss Andry
9 years ago

A man has the fixed sexual function of providing sperm. A girl has the fixed sexual function of providing eggs and carrying the baby. When someone pretends they can change sexual function it ends badly.

Thanks, Rick Santorum.

weirwoodtreehugger
9 years ago

Zombies keep trying to pretend it’s scientific, which…yeah no, that’s not happening.

There actually are parasites that take over the bodies of insects, fish and spiders turning them into sort of zombies http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/10/141031-zombies-parasites-animals-science-halloween/

There isn’t a parasite that does this to humans but theoretically it could be possible. They’re less far fetched than vampires and werewolves.

On the subject of vampire sports, don’t scoff too much at vampire hockey. Angel is a big fan! They establish this during his time on Buffy it came up on the spinoff so it’s probably only something big Whedonverse nerds like me would remember.

The ultimate evil rich person sport though was portrayed in the Hostel movies. Kidnapping and torturing hapless young tourists is so evil that I could totally see billionaires doing it in real life.

maistrechat
9 years ago

re:vampire sports

in The Invisibles there’s a group that goes on foxhunts, in full stereotypical fox-hunting attire, but instead of foxes they hunt the homeless through the streets of London. Seems like it would fit.

opium4themasses
opium4themasses
9 years ago

Rabies is a disease which causes zombie-like effects and an aversion to water. I have heard theories that vampirism and lycanthropy are mythologies built around people who contracted rabies.

daintydougal
daintydougal
9 years ago

Are we still playing ‘confusion about growing up’?
Even though my parents were always very open and honest I still thought the boys thing went in the girls bellybutton. It makes much more sense. Also I overheard some teenagers at the park once talking about how your bits get hairy and was like nah (even though I had explanation books with cartoons showing said hairyness) also my boobs came in quick and I assumed the stretch marks were some kind of cancer and would cry myself to sleep but then in the morning be too embarrassed to say anything. Also we had the periods and sex talk at school when I had already been getting my periods for a number of years. So that was helpful. Growing is hard yo. I’m not trans but I was certainly deeply unhappy with the change.

proxieme
proxieme
9 years ago