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You may remember Hesse Kassell — aka “strongsloth” — as the supremely creepy Return of Kings contributor who argued, among other awful things, that women in relationships should never be allowed to say no to sex.
Well, he’s back with a new Return of Kings post. This time, he’s aiming his prohibitions at men, with a list of “10 things men should never try.”
Somehow, this new list manages to be as skeezy and awful as the last one I wrote about — quite an achievement, even for a Return of Kingser, particularly since several of the items on the list (jail, smoking, gambling, consumer credit) are things that guys probably should try to avoid. But the rest of the list is a concentrated mass of weird assumptions and outright bigotry.
So let me bring to you what I’d like to call the Top Four Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life.
Let’s start off with the first item in strongsloth’s “list of things that make no sense when the costs and benefits are considered” — “Sex reassignment.”
A man has the fixed sexual function of providing sperm. A girl has the fixed sexual function of providing eggs and carrying the baby. When someone pretends they can change sexual function it ends badly.
Not only is this virulently transphobic, obviously, but I’m pretty sure that there’s more to sex than having babies, and that very little about sexuality is “fixed” by the particular genitalia we’re born with.
Strongsloth then moves on to consider prostitution. After posting a picture of two seemingly random women he apparently thinks are prostitutes, he offers this reason why men should avoid their deadly embraces:
A prostitute takes a man’s strength, then his money but gives nothing in return.
Huh. Prostitutes take a man’s strength? I thought that General Jack T. Ripper was a fictional character.
And then it’s on to the evils of piercing and tattoos. Once again strongsloth seems to be channelling the General:
A man’s body is his only tool. It makes no sense to drill holes in it or deface it with pictures. All bodies age, decay, and die, but why accelerate the process?
Last in my list, but not least, strongsloth warns dudes to avoid the temptation of … other dudes:
Some men are apparently tempted to perform homosexual acts. A man who does endangers his health, fertility, and mental well-being. Every man has the power of choice. Make the smart choice.
I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.
O rly?
I would think after a few clients, prostitutes would be able to lift locomotives over their heads and reverse the earth’s rotation.
Says a man who clearly doesn’t know what hammers, screwdrivers and socket wrenches are for. Or for that matter, the keyboard he typed that drivel on.
I am pretty sure we don’t want this guy ever hosting a BBQ. For both his safety and ours.
It’s amazing how many of these guys end up having “precious bodily fluids” moments, isn’t it? If they were that precious you’d think the guys in question wouldn’t have such a hard time finding women who wanted to share them.
“A man’s body is his only tool.”
^
Nice to know that corvids, chimpanzees, and dolphins have all outstripped this man in this sector of the intelligence department.
Interesting. Dental abcesses have been known to be fatal, and are one of the more painful ways to die.
Couldn’t happen to a nicer fellow, I suppose.
Nequam, couldn’t agree more!
Terrible lost opportunity for misandrist dentists, though.
He must be mixing up piercings with trepannings. I don’t recall many other body modifications requiring drills.
Does he think sex workers are alien or demons or something? Why else would he believe they sap a man’s strength?
And why does he care if other men tattoos or piercings. If he doesn’t find them aesthetically pleasing or if he’s scares of needles, that’s fine. But he’s not the arbiter of how men should look.
He appears to be confusing prostitutes with succubi.
Self-casting? General Ripper wasn’t played by Kubrick. But yeah, these guys are idiots.
“When someone pretends they can change sexual function it ends badly.”
Maybe you should try telling that to the jackass who says that homosexual guys should change into heterosexual guys, strongsloth.
“4 More Reasons You Should Run away as fast as you can if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan”
FTFY
Film idea: prostitute who is alien succubus has a fondness for trepanning her victims.
“Now SPIT!”
This is exactly the kind of stuff that allows doods to go “It’s about self-improvement!” because there are chunks of good advice, such as not smoking and staying out of debt…
swimming in a broth of toxic sludge.
It’s like, “why are you eating toxic soup? Never mind that– why are you pushing toxic soup on other people?!”
“I’m NOT: what is your problem with chicken and peas? Studies show people who eat chicken and peas are healthier than people who don’t eat food”
“You can get chicken and peas practically anywhere. What about all that disgusting broth you’re horking down with it?!”
“YOU WANT ME TO STARVE DON’T YOU? HYPERGAMY FEMININE IMPERATIVE AFBB! ADMIT IT!!!!!”
“ooooo…kay”
Is this dude operating under the misconception that sperm is (a) the source of a man’s strength and vital energy and (b) that he has a limited supply that he can use up if he ejaculates too often? That’s what I’m getting from his fear of prostitutes and homosexual activity.
Getting from his fear in addition to misogyny, homophobia, and general bigotry, I mean.
THAT’S WHY WOMEN STEAL IT.
We’re onto something, folks!
@alaisvex: That used to be an Idea. I once read a bestselling health book from the 30s that claimed that if a man masturbated or had sex more than 3 times a month, it would be disastrous to his health. The author recommended separate rooms for married couples to reduce the temptation to potentially fatal overindulgence.
The truly interesting thing about this book is that it recommended that the three times having sex be limited to the middle of the woman’s cycle, and it recommended this AS A MEANS OF BIRTH CONTROL.
Really? Oh dear. I’m trying to think of a time in the cycle where you’re MORE fertile than days 10-15 (mid cycle) and not thinking of many….
Note to self: trust no health advice books from the 30s.
That’s funny, GrumpyOldMan!
Gosh, but so much for the theory that marriage USED to be an all-you-could-sex buffet, til the goll-durned feminists ruint it all.
Okay, this is going to be TMI, and probably all the older and wiser folks on the thread know it. But just in case there’s a confused youngling, TMI for MUCOUS! Down Below.
.
.
.
.
During the most fertile part of the cycle, women tend to have cervical mucous that kind of looks a lot like raw egg whites. During the least fertile parts, women tend to be at their dryest (and then bloodiest… and then back to dry)
There’s relatively thick and sticky mucous between the dry/period/dry stage and the raw egg white stage.
Thing that stinks: even at the least fertile, you can still get pregnant.
Other thing that stinks: I had to research the mucous-things myself, because sex-ed only said that the vagina secretes mucous. It also said that every single bad thing that can go on down there creates mucous. Everything creates discharge. And thick stuff. And eeew.
Teenage me was a little bit of a hypochondriac: I got one yeast infection after having to take antibiotics, and got it treated, and then started paying close attention to secretions. The first thicker stage I got after that freaked me out, BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW stuff was supposed to look that way, and there was a rather embarrassing trip to the urgent care because I was terrified that the infection had come back.
…and all they told me was that I was normal. Flipping painful exam, because of a separate issue, for nothing! No explanation about why the stuff changed consistencies, at all, other than “normal”.
So, yeah. Things they don’t tell you in sex ed that would be ridiculously useful to know.
So noctural emissions are due to misandrous real succubi?
I’m confused.