An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no MRAs, no I’m-not-really-an-MRA-buts, don’t be mean.
Categories
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
We Hunted The Mammoth
I’m getting into this personal stuff thread late, but that’s cause I didn’t want to hog too much of the spotlight.
My relationship with Daniel had been going better, since I found one of those leftist Orthodox synagogues like a few members of the commentariat told me about last time I wrote about my problems with Judaism here.
It still has a mechitza, a literal partition drawn in the space, and women do have to sit on their side of it. But the way it’s designed splits the room into equal halves. Here’s a picture so you can sort of get an idea.
http://www.hir.org/images_homepage/HIR_Interior.jpg
here’s another with people in it:
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YLNtPLvZ87I/0.jpg
For me it makes a big difference that the bema’s accessible to women. They also have a woman in their clergy, whose title is “Rabba”. Her name is Sara Hurwitz, and I read that the chief rabbi of this community got himself into trouble ordaining her. He promised not to ordain any more women, so the shul is still Orthodox.
I hope that it’s Orthodox enough. Daniel seems happy with it, and I’m happy with it. I went there last Friday and it was definitely an improvement over the other shul I’d been attending. I could hear the women davening, for one; their voices mixing with the men’s in the space of the shul was a powerful experience. I started weeping when they sang Psalm 99, about how God loves justice and invented fairness. I can see equality being able to exist in a shul like the one I’ve found, whereas before I thought it would be impossible so long as a mechitza existed.
The one they have there is about four feet tall, so that one’s line of sight isn’t broken if you stand. It meant a lot to not have my line of sight broken by a mechitza, not having to stand on tiptoe to see over it, not hearing what the rabbi is saying b/c you’re too far away. And the ark and bema are accessible from both sides, which says something to me.
I won’t pretend this is ideal. Rav Avi’s only ordained the one Rabba, Sara, and the other women he ordains get this BS title “Maharat” now, because I think the Rabbincal Council of America would shun him if he ordains another female rabbi. And although the bema’s accessible, I’ve yet to see a woman sing at it. That said the place is still Orthodox in name, which Daniel finds important; and I finally feel excited about becoming Jewish again, as opposed to frightened and miserable with the choices which I’d been presented. This place I’m going to now is exceptional in the sense that there are plenty of Orthodox shuls which basically don’t care that their rules marginalize women.
Thanks everyone on WHTM for listening and giving me your advice before. I also want to share with you an article I wrote a few weeks ago about Misogyny in Orthodox Judaism. It concerns a recent news event about a rabbi peeping in his mikveh, and I thought it was a telling symptom of what’s wrong in most shuls. Here’s the link for that.
https://idleconvert.wordpress.com/2014/11/09/misogyny-in-orthodox-judaism/
@ idledillettante – I really hope that this works out for you. You sound so happy! 🙂
@Dawn, I hope it gets better. When my depression rears up, if I can make myself do it, I take a B-complex vitamin. It really helps (eventually). And I go and read the Bloggess, who has some really amazing posts about depression.
@idledillettante – congrats! Fingers crossed it keeps working out.
@kittehserf – how was the reading overall? I’ve had good and bad experiences, but I’m frequently very skeptical (despite being a pagan, lol) so that often affects my experience.
Puddleglum – I was very pleased with the reading. I’ve had good and bad too, and was really hoping this would be a good one. I tend to be more apprehensive about other characters butting in (one did this time, but I told him out loud yeah, thanks, I’m not here to talk to strangers even if they are guides or whatever, butt out, I want to hear from my husband) or the medium having some stupid notions. This one was very good, though; she described what Louis was wearing, talked about the shit he had going on in his earthly life, both in terms of health, his character – a dry wit, an outdoor person, a worker and a fighter – and terms of the massive expectations on him (she didn’t know who he was or when his time was), to establish his credentials, and hers, I guess! He had tons to say, none of it what I expected; he was talking about my health and general situation with being out of work and stuff. He also cracked a very Louis joke about “Yes, but you so miss being in retail at Christmas!” Oh, and she asked if I’ve a tattoo of him on my arm (I had long sleeves on) ‘cos he was making hers itch like mad.
@mildlymagnificant
@Puddleglum
Vitamins! I’m making sure to have a B-heavy breakfast with a vitamin. Haven’t had my D level checked in awhile. I will ask my doctor about that once I find a new GP. Silly bodies and all their silly chemicals!
Puddleglum, thanks for the Bloggess req. I’ve never been to her site, but I’ll check it out.
@Glorious Leader David
Oh, it gets better. Then it gets worse again. Then better, then worse, rinse and repeat for 25 years now. It’s exhausting every time the valleys come ’round again, especially since from the valley you can’t see the peaks. I endure. Things will improve.
Thanks all for the hugs and well wishes. *snuggles*
I have (re)discovered Boggle the Owl and it is just what I needed today. Bless you, little owl.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/c7f73ae2703ba5f792f07074a502ff81/tumblr_msmo0zJYa31rr4zq1o2_1280.jpg
Hugs for everyone! I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather, Katherine.
I hope your storm clears for you soon, Dawn.
@contrapangloss: You will be tempted to grow attached to Fives, Echo, and Tup. Try not to.
Also, the guy doing Yoda (and the narration at the beginning of each episode) did Professor Yutonium (and the narration) on Power Puff Girls, which just blows my mind.
@kittehserf, sorry to take so long to respond, I let my sick kidlet use my pc last night, lol. I’m glad the reading went so well! Sounds like she gave you a lot to think about, hopefully most of it good?
Puddleglum, I hope your kidlet’s getting better today!
She did, or rather I’d say he did since she was passing on Louis’s advice and encouragement – which is what it was about, mostly: him prodding me! I felt almost teary-vulnerable going away because it took me a bit by surprise that he was focussed on serious stuff (though why wouldn’t he be? Duh) but later it was WHOOT! because it’s been a long while since I’ve had confirmation like that, and having him at the front of my mind is always good. Even if he is prodding me to do stuff. 🙂
Confirmation that your loved ones love you is always good!
Falconer, why?!
(In other words, too late.)
I knew I shouldn’t have succumbed to curiosity… Can I just pretend you didn’t imply that they’re going to die horrific deaths, and stop watching now so I never have it confirmed? And Anakin never turned, and Ahsoka never has to worry about Skyguy going all darkside and “I’m Totally in Love hence Broody, Possessive Scariness”, and Palpatine started wearing a neon sign of “Dark Lord of Sithiness: Never trust me!” and there were hugs and puppies all around?
Kittehs, that sounds sweet. 🙂
Katherine, more hugs if desired!
Puddleglum, contrapangloss, thanks! It is indeed. 🙂
Amusing and worksafe
https://www.facebook.com/1565022917042669/photos/a.1565025617042399.1073741827.1565022917042669/1585761118302182/?type=1
I love it! The NiceEmployee(TM)!
So, all the cat-owned here know how kitties do Cute, rolling on their backs, little paws tucked up, big kitty eyes …
Well, tonight we’re on the couch watching telly and suddenly Mr K, who’s been stretched out with his arm propped on my leg rolls over and does Cute, even batting his lashes at me.
That man’s spent entirely too much time around kitties!
It’s a little old at this point, but if there are any Pratchett fans (particularly Aussie ones) who haven’t seen it, I present a short and silly Discworld fan film: Run, Rincewind, Run!
Pterry himself makes an appearance, if that sweetens the pot.
Link borked. Trying again.
OK, my timesense is seriously borked due to naps at rabndom times.
Woke up thinking it was 1600 and found out when I turned on my computer it was 0900.
Remember that beautiful embroidered silk doublet I posted in the last thread? Well, I wanted to make a picture of it being worn, and now I have … the band and cuffs and ribbons are all photos of other surviving clothing of the time. The frame is part of an original. The model, well, no prizes for guessing! He’s a lot older than he would have been when this style was in fashion, but I don’t make pictures of him as a 20-something. I’m pretty sure this pic’s going to be way big on the page, but I’m not reducing it, I’m not …
~~~
~~~
~~~
http://i.imgur.com/BGqkGm6.png
Adding my contribution to the various barrels of hugs and cuddly animals. I’m sorry so many of you are going such awful stuff and hope things get better soon.
Congrats to those who are doing well.
Things are ok on my end. I accidentally killed my phone, so I’ve been absent a while (& still haven’t read all the longer threads in the last 3 weeks). The worst part was losing all the pictures I had on my phone that I intended to put on my PC, but never got around to it.
Question (especially for parents/grandparents/caretakers/those w/childhood education background:
Firstborn was playing with a truck and fell on the tile. He was ok, but he seemed to be angry about crying a little. When I asked him about it, he said his teacher (@ daycare) said “big boys don’t cry.” Further questioning revealed this was said in the context of him having a fit after being told not to throw toys. I tried to explain that crying when he is sad or hurt is ok, but throwing a fit when he is asked to be good is not. Does anyone have ideas/suggestions for how to handle this better if it happens again? I don’t want to stunt him emotionally and feel that not being allowed to cry is very toxic to men and boys (& he’s not even 3 yet), but I do want a distinction made between legitimate sorrow/hurt/etc vs “I can’t do everything I want.” I don’t want him to be an entitled jerk when he grows up.
Sorry for the long post
Nice pic, kittehs
Beautiful, kittehs! You really do have a talent for portaiture. How lucky that you’ve got such an eager model! 🙂
Hi Skye – I’ve been struggling with this issue as well, with my two boys. I’m terrified that in spite of my best efforts, my boys will grow up to be like the repellant specimens who frequent the PUA and MRA board. So much media depicts harmful views of masculinity, even at this early age (for example, that emotions are gendered – anger for boys, tears for girls).
I’ve been trying to work with them on acceptable ways to express anger, and to know when anger is appropriate. For instance, lately Twin #2 has been getting mad at me whenever I lecture him about his misbehavior (pouring orange juice on the floor, grabbing the candy at the grocery store). He flings my own words back in my face: “That’s rude, Mommy, that hurts my feelings, you made me angry!” It’s hard not to read that as gaslighting and emotional manipulation…but you have to remember, it’s abusers that speak the language of three year olds, not vice versa. The goal is to keep them maturing beyond age three.
A few things I’ve been working on are:
1. Empathy. It’s been helpful to constantly point out whenever they’ve hurt someone, and when someone else is hurt (their brother, a friend, a character in a book or movie). I ask them to help “make it better” by giving a hug or saying sorry or getting ice and bandaids. They’re slowly starting to learn that their actions have effects on other people. I’m trying to help them be more emotionally aware by checking in with how they’re feeling, talking about what facial expressions mean, asking them what made them sad and what made them happy today, and so forth.
2. Responsibility. Take advantage of their natural willingness to imitate grownups and help out around the house. At this age they love to set the table, “wash” windows with spray bottles of water, sweep, weed, bake, swish dishes in soapy water, etc. I don’t make any distinctions between “men’s work” and “women’s work”. It gives them a sense of responsibility and helps them see that running a house takes teamwork; it’s not all up to one person to cater to them while they sit on the couch eating chips.
3. Acceptable and unacceptable ways of expressing anger. Still a work in progress, but I’m gradually getting them to use words as their go-to way of expressing anger, instead of physically lashing out.
4. I’m trying not to get into the whole “X is for girls, Y is for boys” thing. I get that gender identity is still fluid for preschoolers (until around age 6, a lot of them think they can change from being a boy to a girl at will) and that they gravitate to rigidly stereotyped toys, clothes, etc. as a way of helping themselves define their identity, but we as parents don’t need to feed into that.
5. Basic manners. Good manners are all about making others feel comfortable around you, whether it’s table manners, introductions, or being a gracious party host and ensuring that guests have a good time. Most MRAs seem not to have mastered that skill and regard manners as wimpy mangina rules imoosed on them by feminists, but they’re crucial to getting along in the working world and in life.
Good luck – civilizing kids is a long, long process!
@ Skye – I think you’ve hit the nail on the head! That is, reinforce the idea that it’s OK to cry if you’re legitimately scared or hurt, but we don’t use our emotions to hurt or manipulate others. It’s too bad that your daycare provider wasn’t a little more clear in the distinction (extending benefit of the doubt, here, to assume the teacher meant this, but wasn’t clear when dealing with a fit throwing pre-schooler).
@ Buttercup – I share your fear that my boy will grow up to be a manoshperian! Gah! Horrors! Just as bad, what do I do if my girl falls for one of these douchenozzels? (actually, I might cop out there, and let her daddy handle things. mwhahahaha!)
@ kittehserf – gorgeous pic!
Thank you, Buttercup Q Skullpants and Grumpyoldnurse. I have the same fear. Whatever they become, I want them to be caring, kind and empathetic people. I would be devastated if they became like the horrible folks we read about here.
Firstborn is actually pretty empathetic already, which is good. I’m trying to strengthen that. Second born is only about 10 weeks, so he’s still working on learning physical things like better head control. 🙂
As to the daycare, it’s generally an accepting place w/o strict gender roles, so I think it was a comment made in the heat of a toddler meltdown and the hope that Firstborn’s strong desire to be seen as a big boy (as opposed to his brother the baby) would help him calm down. Unfortunately, toddlers have no concept of nuance and the more rigid ‘boys don’t cry’ is so pervasive in our culture