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Charles Manson, dating coach?

Charles Manson, Alpha Male of the Cell block?
Charles Manson, Alpha Male of the Cell block?

So the Associated Press is reporting that Charles Manson, everyone’s favorite orchestrator of mass murder, is planning to marry. His future bride is a 26-year-old groupie who’s been trying to convince the world for nine years that Charlie is innocent.

According to one self-proclaimed dating expert and regular contributor to Return of Kings, the fact that “the 80-year-old murderer is marrying a hotter girl than [nice guys will] ever get,” is proof that guys need to start channelling their own inner Charles Manson in order to become the “bad boy” that women really go for.

As “Trouble Maker” puts it,

This woman is just an extreme case, but her actions in this case largely represent the way woman act as a whole. There is just no resisting the panty moistening allure of the bad boy for them. …

She’s definitely cute, at least in these pictures being spread around by the media. …

Meanwhile, the stable computer programmer is left running macros on POF [Plenty of Fish] in hopes that he catches a whale.

I actually sort of hope that would-be pickup artists start tattooing swastikas on their foreheads. It would make them a lot easier to identify at a glance.

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contrapangloss
6 years ago

Okay, if those mice were ROUS-big, they would be absolutely terrifying.

Jimmy
Jimmy
6 years ago

I KNEW this was coming. When I saw this story I just KNEW one of those head-in-the-sand, all-women-do-xyz-things disgusting men was going to come out and say SEEEE SOO ALLLPHAAAAA!!! about this sick mess.
But, I’m not entirely psychic y’all. I suspected it would be Heartiste/Roissy, whatever the hell you call that one. This kinda ugly crap is just what fuels his fire.

Jimmy
Jimmy
6 years ago

Wait maybe I am psychic after all. That Roissy sumbitch picked this up and even wrote some Dr Suess-y poem about it. That I didn’t entirely read, just scanned over. “Women like jerks, some like them in bed, some like them dead”, whatever it was.

freemage
6 years ago

For those still reeling from the Jack Thompson bit, I’ve invited a GamerGator to explain why censorship is okay when Thompson tries it via lawsuits, but not okay when Anita does something that almost but not really resembles it if you have several drinks of Tennessee white lightning and then squint a lot:

(Note: I don’t expect GamerGators to get trans-friendly language correct, I’m afraid. They’d have to remove their heads from their rectums for far too long to manage that.)

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

If being the worst sort of person makes a man irresistible to women, then why are all of these PUAs working so hard to get laid? Shouldn’t they be swimming in throngs of adoring hot lady fans? Shouldn’t they be having so much sex that they have to keep a water cooler full of Gatorade next to their beds?

You’d think one of them would catch on.

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
6 years ago

I was thinking more something the size of a lion but the instincts of a housecat–like, they just want to curl up in your lap, but they’ll squish you if they do, and God help you if you are a little late with dinner.

From an old, largely forgotten webcomic called The Parking Lot is Full:
http://plif.courageunfettered.com/archive/wc132.gif
By the time Buffy grew too big to eat mice, she was hungry for only one thing— diplomats!

Yeah, PLiF tended to be rather surreal. Warning, some of the rest of the archives are NSFW.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

I was thinking more something the size of a lion but the instincts of a housecat–like, they just want to curl up in your lap, but they’ll squish you if they do, and God help you if you are a little late with dinner.

Sounds like you want a Rottwieler or a Dogo.

The only danger in a late supper is getting knocked around by the Snoopy Dance, but otherwise I think one of those would do. 😉

kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

Buttercup:

Ahahaha! Reminds me of a retort I once saw on a message board: “You certainly do have a point. Next time try covering it up with a hat.”

ROFL!

Falconer – ah, how could I have forgotten the Killer Shrews! Ancestors of the Rodents of Unusual Size, surely.

Eowyn, the southern grasshopper moust, OMG!

Let’s see if this embeds …

http://img.pandawhale.com/post-5519-Giant-Housecat-JBnh.gif

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
6 years ago

This is the best kitteh evah!

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
6 years ago

Sounds like you want a Rottwieler or a Dogo.

As my cousin used to say, “Have you ever tried teaching a two year old Rottweiler that she’s not a lapdog anymore?”

kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

That kitteh’s amazing, isn’t it? 🙂

I just hope it doesn’t have scaled-up fleas.

kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

As my cousin used to say, “Have you ever tried teaching a two year old Rottweiler that she’s not a lapdog anymore?”

Oh lor’, that reminds me of the story of two – TWO – of Louis’s mastiffs leaping onto the bed with him, back in the day. Being able to breathe, who needs it?

katz
6 years ago

Aw, I want a giant kitty pillow.

pallygirl
pallygirl
6 years ago

Can you imagine trying to vacuum up all the cat fur and get it off your clothes though?

katz
6 years ago

Acceptable real-life substitute?

http://i.imgur.com/D3alDwt.jpg

pallygirl
pallygirl
6 years ago

Dawwwwwwwwwwwww

kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

Awwwwww!

ceebarks
ceebarks
6 years ago

The article seems to suggest she’s marrying him mostly in hopes of getting access to more info for her weirdass obsessive quest, not because she’s particularly in love with him. Plus, Manson’s not even allowed conjugal visits, so…

Zolnier
Zolnier
6 years ago

@Tulgey Logger

That reminds me of after the Isla Vista killings, when some PUA jackass or another claimed Elliot Rodger’s rampage could’ve been prevented if he’d been taught game.

Zolnier
Zolnier
6 years ago

Oh, it’s in the related articles.

shadethedruid
6 years ago

Oh dear, I appear to have melted from the cute.

I wonder if a cat that size would be like one of those vibrating chairs/beds, just lay next to it and the purrs give you a nice massage.

pallygirl
pallygirl
6 years ago

And then it stuns you with its paw and bites your head off.

kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

It’d be a vigorous massage, given how big the kitty is. Plus you might get seasick being tossed about on that big belly as it breathes.

Kate Minter
Kate Minter
6 years ago

@ceebarks: “The article seems to suggest she’s marrying him mostly in hopes of getting access to more info for her weirdass obsessive quest, not because she’s particularly in love with him. Plus, Manson’s not even allowed conjugal visits, so…”

I heard this version too. There’s definitely more going on than what meets the eye. I shouldn’t poke fun, but I heard about this at lunch and I couldn’t help laughing even though I think the story is a very serious one.

http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/good-luck-at-thanksgiving-explaining-why-youre-still-single-and-charles-manson-isnt-fab31.png

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Think of the hairballs a kitty that size would cough up! O__o

@ceebarks Yeah, she seems to be on a quixotic campaign to prove his innocence. That seems to be a common refrain with women who gravitate to “bad boys” – poor baby is misunderstood by society, and they want to fix and rescue him. Only they can see how gentle and sensitive he really is underneath that rough exterior, blah blah. It isn’t about the bad-boy thing. It’s about rescuing a wounded bird.

The idea that women are innately attracted to evil and abuse is absurd.

Falconer
6 years ago

That Roissy sumbitch picked this up and even wrote some Dr Suess-y poem about it. That I didn’t entirely read, just scanned over. “Women like jerks, some like them in bed, some like them dead”, whatever it was.

I bet he completely messed up the scansion and had to stretch the rhymes.

FYI, Dr. Seuss’s favorite meter seems to be anapest (and the LORax and ALL of his FRIENDS will come BACK), but watch out for the occasional iamb (do you LIKE green EGGS and HAM).

Dr. Seuss is easy to read and the language is simple, but don’t let that fool you into thinking it’s easy to write.

emilygoddess - MOD
emilygoddess - MOD
6 years ago

Ugh, poetry that doesn’t scan hits my cringe button like nothing else. I can even deal if the meter is all over the place, but those email for ward type poems where they routinely add or miss syllables for the sake of rhyme and read like they were dashed off on one ho? I can’t. They get read in church some times and I want to scream at the woman who keeps bringing them in…

emilygoddess - MOD
emilygoddess - MOD
6 years ago

That should read “dashed off in one GO”. Phone keypads will be the death of me.

Puddleglum
6 years ago

I just hope it doesn’t have scaled-up fleas.

According to the movie A Monster In Paris, they’re really not that bad.

Alais
6 years ago

@ceebarks and Kate Minter

The fact that she won’t be getting conjugal visits and knows that definitely contradicts the PUA narrative that women want Alphas because they’re only sexually attracted to Alpha bad boys and that women won’t have sex with betas unless they want something material in exchange because they’re not into betas. If the lack of conjugal visits doesn’t bother her, then one can’t really argue that she’s super turned on by mass murderers.

Honestly, based on the way their logic works, Charles Manson is the world’s biggest beta. He gets snookered by a beautiful, young woman, who at 26 might be hitting the wall depending on whose definition of “too old” we’re operating on, and she’s clearly using him for fame and for the opportunity to get access to materials that could let her write a best-selling biography of him once he’s dead. Also, he won’t be allowed conjugal visits, so she has a grade-A excuse to avoid sex with him until he dies, meaning that he’ll have a marriage that is actually, literally sexless. Then, because she won’t be living with him, she’ll be able to whatever she wants without having any Alpha to order her around in the PUA way, so she’ll essentially get all the benefits of this marriage without having to anything that PUAs assume that wives are naturally opposed to doing for their husbands, unless those husbands happen to be super Alpha.