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Five Reasons You Should Not Marry, or Date, or Probably Even Live in the Same City With a Fan of Return of Kings

The only appropriate reaction to a marriage proposal from a Return of Kings fan
The only appropriate reaction to a marriage proposal from a Return of Kings fan

So Return of Kings, which seems to be working hard at becoming the most abhorrent publication known to man, has a post up by regular contributor “strongsloth” titled 5 Lines That Potential Wives Cannot Cross — that is , five rules that Mr. Sloth thinks men should enforce with any woman they want to make their wife.

These rules are, naturally, horrific. So horrific, in fact, that they essentially provide us with Five Reasons You Should Not Marry, or Date, or Rent Apartments to, or Probably Even Live in the Same City With Anyone Who’s a Fan of Return of Kings.

So let’s go through them one by one. Do not date or marry a ROK fan because:

1) He will insist on being the supreme dictator.

[A]ll decisions about things outside the house are in your sphere. If she wants some responsibility, it’s ok if she chooses how to cook the eggs.

2) He will isolate you from your family and friends. You know, like abusers do.

Just make it clear that her family and friends from before are not important to you. Their opinions do not matter. Don’t spend a lot of time with them. … They will turn on you the moment there are problems between you and your wife. When that happens, the less influence they have the better.

3) He will get you pregnant in order to make you more dependent on him.

Contraceptives and abortion are murder

Why? Immediate children, more children, short gaps between children. These all increase her dependence on you and the loyalty that comes with it. …

If she is marriageable don’t be afraid to make her pregnant before marriage. There is nothing like a baby on the way to increase your bargaining power. … You are helping her by overcoming her female propensity to waste her fertile years on a career, bad boys, and antidepressants.

4) He will insist that you devote all of your time and attention to raising the children that result from his no-contraception or abortion decree.

He will do this in part because he doesn’t want to bother with the hassles of childrearing, and in part because forcing you to be a stay-at-home mother will allow him to restrict your life and control you more effectively:

Being a mother is a full-time job and her first priority. Any work, sport, church, or whatever that she can’t handle just has to go.

He’ll even insist on controlling how long you breastfeed the children:

Breast feeding is good for children and increases her bond with your children, so make her do it for one year. Then make her stop. Otherwise it might delay the next child and make her search for alternatives to being a wife and mother.

5) And last but certainly not least: Because he will rape you.

Under no circumstance can you accept the idea that she gets to choose if or when to satisfy you or choose to sabotage your joint fertility. …

You control the time and frequency of sex, not her. … [A] woman who will deny you sex early on will only use it to gain greater power over you in the long run. …

The obvious exception to this is the first time you have sex. Typically she will control the timing of that for obvious reasons. From the second time onward, any poorly-reasoned denial is a red flag.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not the real red flag here.

As strongsloth sees it, enforcing these rules will make it impossible for your future wife to ever “stray.”

Just imagine the situation. Wedding. Pregnant. Child born. Full time mother. No career. Breast feeding. Stop breast-feeding. Constant sex. Pregnant again. Repeat. There is little opportunity for her to get away from the children and her commitment to you, let alone consider alternatives to marriage. By the time the youngest child is in school her SMV [Sexual Market Value] relative to yours will have dropped, and you are safer.

You see what I was saying about how hard ROK is trying to become the worst publication in the world?

I couldn’t bring myself to look at the comments.

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ceebarks
ceebarks
10 years ago

Ah, the comments. The article itself really is a blueprint for abuse but that’s ROK’s whole schtick, so: meh.

If anything, I like that over the more subtle kind of “you submit/I provide, and it’s really all for your own benefit!” window-dressing that is actually enticing to a fair number of otherwise sensible women staring down the barrel of the usual tensions between career and family.

Lay it all out bare like that, though, and it’s considerably uglier.

As to the comments, I think it’s funny to watch childless 20somethings pontificate on family life. It’s like they’ve got this grand film-director’s vision, in which the “other people” are but actors portraying characters on a screen. All objections and subversions and flat-out refusals can be overcome by SHEER FORCE OF WILL.

Get back at me in 15 years and lemme know how that’s working out for you, boys.

pallygirl
pallygirl
10 years ago

Wow, just wow:

With regards to your last point, I think men can separate emotional and sexual interest in a woman.

Banging some new chick doesn’t cause him to lose respect to his wife, with whom he has a deeper attachment and love for.

A girl cheating on her husband is another story. Never met a woman who could cheat on her bf and still have the same level of respect for him.

Because a guy who respects his wife has sex with multiple other women behind her back. But if the women, sorry girl, does it then it’s cheating.

I love the way this echo chamber works: they all agree with each other, and then come up with more and more convoluted explanations of the way the world works when they are still alone and miserable. When the data doesn’t fit the theory, they toss out the data.

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

sunnysombrera, I am of course aware of the underground lab and the important work that is carried out there, but I was not aware that weirwoodtreehugger had infiltrated so deep. Congrats to all involved! May Operation Dentata be a great success!

pallygirl, you can even tell just by looking if a girl has rubbed a lot of ‘fluids’ into her skin. It makes her be glowy and perky..and now I have to vomit. Ta for that.

pallygirl
pallygirl
10 years ago

Important scientific update, emotions are okay in science so long as you are an economist and the emotion is revulsion:

That’s an interesting way to put it but you don’t need to be an economist to feel the revulsion.

zennurse
zennurse
10 years ago

I found a little slip in comments about night feedings dudebro says he can’t see why a guy should get up while the wife is on maternity leave. Maternity leave? This would certainly imply that wife has a job and this guy is not Master of his Universe! Better yet, the guy who thinks sperm can live forever and make fly babies thinks the wife should sleep with the baby so menz can get their rest. He’s a real piece of work.

pallygirl
pallygirl
10 years ago

And here’s one who hasn’t realise this is why so many women are completely disinterested in PUAs:

Like art, or really anything of value on this planet. If it is easily obtainable, it is not worth admiration or great effort to obtain. A simple fact of nature in which women are not immune.

Christine Cassandra Devereaux Smith

This is grotesque.

Mewens
Mewens
10 years ago

Sorry, OT – but figured the sick could go with the sick. Also apologies if this was already posted. Finally, trigger warning: Statutory rape and all-around bullshit victim-blaming.

http://news.yahoo.com/los-angeles-schools-blame-girl-sex-win-suit-175907069.html

L.A. school district dropped one of its long-time lawyers after he successfully defended a lawsuit in which an L.A. school teacher slept w/ a 14-year-old student. The reason? The defense was that the 14-year-old was equally responsible for the relationship with her 28-year-old teacher. (Note that the district dropped him _after_ the case). It’s spurring a larger debate on the issue since that “defense” is illegal in criminal cases.

I honestly have no clue how to respond to this.

Cyberwulf
Cyberwulf
10 years ago

@zennurse
I looked at a bunch of pages. There isn’t even a forum topic on male rape.

And this is why MRAs are such a fucking joke. There are plenty of real issues out there that only or disproportionately affect men. They could be raising money for prostate and testicular cancer. They could be setting up shelters for male victims of rape and domestic abuse. They could be working to ensure that male-only/predominantly male spaces are safe for gay and trans men. They could be calling out media that promotes toxic ideals of masculinity, like “men solve their differences with violence”. They could be challenging the idea that asking for help is “weak” and “unmanly” as part of an anti-suicide campaign. They could be down at a fucking homeless shelter serving soup. Instead they’d rather sit around and call women every vile name under the sun and fantasize about murdering them.

Bogdan Cvetkovic
10 years ago

Their views are very Old Testament. Reading this reminds me of my experiences in the Orthodox Jewish community.

I know TruePooka! And these guys pride themselves over being “rational” atheists unlike all those dumb religious “sheeple”. This has been probably said a million times but by Lucifer’s goatee these assholes are just like religious fundamentalists. They just don’t use the word “God”.

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
10 years ago

@Cyberwulf

One more: They could be working on the issue of family court bias by campaigning against the root of the problem – the sexism and patriarchy that causes it.

isidore13
isidore13
10 years ago

“I always thought the Ultimate Objective was to enslave men and force them to labour in the tampon mines.”

@Cyberwulf: The lesbianism comes in because enslaved men labouring in tampon mines don’t get to have sex with their lesbian feminist overladies. Don’t forget we’re out to criminalize all male sexuality as well.

Note: the above contains SARCASM.

JM
JM
10 years ago

I was thinking, when talking about the atheist and fundamentalist beliefs of MRA’s of a line from “The Tudors”

I think it went something like this, when describing the religious views of Henry VIII:
“He remains a Catholic, with one distinction. He believes nothing, not even God himself, should have power over him”

zennurse
zennurse
10 years ago

Cyberwulf

I looked for that one issue only but have read both of these sites a number of times, including comments. As I’ve said before, I am returning after a long (7 year) absence from blogs mostly because of disillusionment with the political machine. So I have experience but it was in progressive politics including feminism. There were certainly trolls then; the first time I ever commented was on the NYT forums regarding the Schiavo case and someone called me an asshole. (I am a hospice nurse, he was the asshole).

What I am learning from my cyber travels, from my son the programmer and from all of you is that the internet is an opportunity and an adventure but it has now become the Wild West as well. This one corner where the MRA and associated gangs live is so incredibly toxic and hateful, not just to women but to humanity, because these men are humans and they live in a world they just hate. They hate it. Not just women, but their world as well.

I raised sons and I love them without reservation and with my whole being. I was honored to care for my son throughout his cancer and death. I cannot understand a man who can say his mother is a whore because I believe his mother would care for him as well. Of all the filth I’ve read, that is personal to me, and horrifying.

Sorry, a downer, but that really got to me today. Thanks.

Shalimar
Shalimar
10 years ago

I read this earlier and couldn’t figure out what confused me about his whole spiel. What does “marriageable” even mean to them? There isn’t really anything positive in the whole piece. Women should be completely subservient while pumping out kids, then spend al l their time taking care of the kids and saying “yes master” to any request. Why would you want your kids taken care of by someone who isn’t allowed to have any skills or intelligence?

Looks must not matter since losing them mid-life will just make her easier to control. If looks were a criteria for being marriageable, he would recommend remarrying when wife1 loses hers.

I don’t see what point the wife serves or how they know one candidate is better than the others. It seems much easier to impregnate surrogates to have your male children, then buy cutting-edge robots to care for and educate them. That way, the MRA never has to deal with women.

Bina
10 years ago

There was also talk in the comments about hymens and one comment said take her to the gyno and an ENT before the wedding to prove she’s not a slut.

Do they seriously think we just store up all the semen that ever gets into us? Because the human body is self-cleaning, y’know. There’s no mysterious little side passages where it goes to hide and wait those bozos out. It all breaks down and gets flushed away in a very short time. ALL of it. GONE. NO TRACE.

Also, I fail to see what an ear/nose/throat doc would be able to divine about anyone’s sex life, unless maybe she has lesions from an STD in her throat. But, y’know, not everyone who’s blown a lot of dudes will have those. Nor will she lack a gag reflex, either. Because not everybody who fellates, also deep-throats.

#NoHymenNoDiamond

Um, also, not everyone who has no hymen is a slut. Some girls are born without. Some have one, but it disappears gradually on its own. Some lose theirs to non-sex-related accidents. Some have ones that are so overgrown and imperforate that they require surgery to remove. And some have one that never rips or budges no matter how much slutty, slutty sex they have. It just stretches a bit, like an elastic, then snaps back into place. Hymeneal diversity, it is a thing!

After all, why do we have a natural inclination to prefer virgin women to sluts and why do we feel a certain disgust at knowing our woman has had more than one cock (yours) in her?

Because you were taught to by your equally dim-witted old man? I mean, it’s not like you were BORN that way. Born stupid, maybe, but that kind of dumbth is LEARNED. (“You’ve got to be carefully taught…”)

Chastity has been prized in women, and not men, since long before anyone was paying attention to such things. Why would a sudden burst of wishful thinking make it otherwise?

Actually, the “sudden burst of wishful thinking” here is the whole idea that female inexperience is somehow desirable. Guys have been loving and appreciating knowledgeable women since forever. They’ve only been chasing ignorant ones since some creepy neckbeard wrote a parchment scroll telling them that that kind was the best kind. Which was, what — 2500 years ago, maybe? In the grand scheme of things, that is a pretty sudden burst of wishful thinking, right there. How old is the Earth, again?

No there is not empirical evidence. But there is theory (which to be fair I have not examined). But it is worth further examination. After all, why do we have a natural inclination to prefer virgin women to sluts and why do we feel a certain disgust at knowing our woman has had more than one cock (yours) in her?

Uh, dude? That “natural” inclination you’re talking about there is about as natural as the orange in those Cheetos you’re munching.

If you are looking for a wife in the west, you have to go young otherwise you are wasting your time and will marry a cum dumpster. Every time you walk down the street there are probably multiple men who cummed on her face giving her the wink and you don’t know.

These guys watch waaaaayyyyyyy too much porn. There is no other explanation for this ridiculous and insupportable assertion. Do they have any real sex, with real women, at ALL?

Banging some new chick doesn’t cause him to lose respect to his wife, with whom he has a deeper attachment and love for.

Au contraire, mon frère. If you’re “banging” someone else, and you’re not in an agreed-upon poly relationship with her knowledge and blessing (and preferably, one going both ways), you’ve lost all love and respect for her already. And you deserve to lose hers, too.

I too have a whore-dar. Though I always referred to what sluts emanate as “slut rays” and I could always detect slut rays.
Still though, some women are stealth models who don’t emanate slut rays and the whore-dar won’t pick up an signal. These are the worst of the worst for at least a slut has some honesty. I’ve dealt with “angels from heaven” who turned out to be the worst pit demons.
(some of them were great homemakers and cooks too – which is why I cannot judge a woman on such skills any more)

Oh noes! Not only are women actual, sexual beings — it’s almost like they’re actual well-rounded PEOPLE, too! Tricksy wimminzezzzzz…

These guys, they’re like a self-powering fountain of stoopid!

Samuel Schmitt
10 years ago

I am going to puke. Are we really in the 21st century?

contrapangloss
contrapangloss
10 years ago

Still on the first page of comments, but, but, but…

That’s not how epigenetics work! Baaaaaaaaaah! Get out of my STEM, bro. You fail at it.

pallygirl
pallygirl
10 years ago

Wait until you read the comments from one who states he is on scholarship and studying psychology and the other one who managed to learn observational baby rearing truths by being in an anthropology class.

I’m really Tesla. I stated it in a comment on the internet, so it must be true.

ryohji
ryohji
10 years ago

@pallygirl
NICOLAS TESLA READ THIS BLOG!?!
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2011/09/mind_blown.gif

pallygirl
pallygirl
10 years ago

My partner just made a really good point.

The hashtag #nohymennodiamond isn’t necessary. They already have a hashtag that fits:
#foreveralone

Bina
10 years ago

Oh! And for my contribution to Project Dentata, here it is: PUAs all get varicose veins of the penis. That’s how women can spot and avoid them.

Lea
Lea
10 years ago

How are they going to earn enough to have a wife and kids?

According to Vickie Garrison of No Longer Quivering, these kind of families usually live in oppressive, miserable poverty.

ceebarks
ceebarks
10 years ago

slightly offtopic… I don’t think I’ve ever had a hymen. I had no pain or bleeding the first time I had intercourse. Maybe it got lost somewhere along the way or maybe I never had one to start off with. I guess I never really thought about it.

Never met a dude who was both preoccupied with virginity and an interesting romantic prospect, either. Lot more of the latter guys around than the former, thankfully, but there really seems to be zero overlap. A Venn diagram of the situation would resemble a dinner plate next to a dry split pea.

Bina
10 years ago

slightly offtopic… I don’t think I’ve ever had a hymen. I had no pain or bleeding the first time I had intercourse. Maybe it got lost somewhere along the way or maybe I never had one to start off with. I guess I never really thought about it.

I doubt that I had one, either. No bleeding, and very little pain, that went away when I adjusted my position ever so slightly. In fact, I damn near insulted my then-boyfriend by almost saying “Is it in yet?” Luckily, I caught myself in time.

Never met a dude who was both preoccupied with virginity and an interesting romantic prospect, either. Lot more of the latter guys around than the former, thankfully, but there really seems to be zero overlap. A Venn diagram of the situation would resemble a dinner plate next to a dry split pea.

Ha, ha…true. A similar situation would also pertain to guys with actual sexual prowess, and self-styled PUAs. (Oh wait, I think I just reiterated what you said. Dang!)

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