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Five Reasons You Should Not Marry, or Date, or Probably Even Live in the Same City With a Fan of Return of Kings

The only appropriate reaction to a marriage proposal from a Return of Kings fan
The only appropriate reaction to a marriage proposal from a Return of Kings fan

So Return of Kings, which seems to be working hard at becoming the most abhorrent publication known to man, has a post up by regular contributor “strongsloth” titled 5 Lines That Potential Wives Cannot Cross — that is , five rules that Mr. Sloth thinks men should enforce with any woman they want to make their wife.

These rules are, naturally, horrific. So horrific, in fact, that they essentially provide us with Five Reasons You Should Not Marry, or Date, or Rent Apartments to, or Probably Even Live in the Same City With Anyone Who’s a Fan of Return of Kings.

So let’s go through them one by one. Do not date or marry a ROK fan because:

1) He will insist on being the supreme dictator.

[A]ll decisions about things outside the house are in your sphere. If she wants some responsibility, it’s ok if she chooses how to cook the eggs.

2) He will isolate you from your family and friends. You know, like abusers do.

Just make it clear that her family and friends from before are not important to you. Their opinions do not matter. Don’t spend a lot of time with them. … They will turn on you the moment there are problems between you and your wife. When that happens, the less influence they have the better.

3) He will get you pregnant in order to make you more dependent on him.

Contraceptives and abortion are murder

Why? Immediate children, more children, short gaps between children. These all increase her dependence on you and the loyalty that comes with it. …

If she is marriageable don’t be afraid to make her pregnant before marriage. There is nothing like a baby on the way to increase your bargaining power. … You are helping her by overcoming her female propensity to waste her fertile years on a career, bad boys, and antidepressants.

4) He will insist that you devote all of your time and attention to raising the children that result from his no-contraception or abortion decree.

He will do this in part because he doesn’t want to bother with the hassles of childrearing, and in part because forcing you to be a stay-at-home mother will allow him to restrict your life and control you more effectively:

Being a mother is a full-time job and her first priority. Any work, sport, church, or whatever that she can’t handle just has to go.

He’ll even insist on controlling how long you breastfeed the children:

Breast feeding is good for children and increases her bond with your children, so make her do it for one year. Then make her stop. Otherwise it might delay the next child and make her search for alternatives to being a wife and mother.

5) And last but certainly not least: Because he will rape you.

Under no circumstance can you accept the idea that she gets to choose if or when to satisfy you or choose to sabotage your joint fertility. …

You control the time and frequency of sex, not her. … [A] woman who will deny you sex early on will only use it to gain greater power over you in the long run. …

The obvious exception to this is the first time you have sex. Typically she will control the timing of that for obvious reasons. From the second time onward, any poorly-reasoned denial is a red flag.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not the real red flag here.

As strongsloth sees it, enforcing these rules will make it impossible for your future wife to ever “stray.”

Just imagine the situation. Wedding. Pregnant. Child born. Full time mother. No career. Breast feeding. Stop breast-feeding. Constant sex. Pregnant again. Repeat. There is little opportunity for her to get away from the children and her commitment to you, let alone consider alternatives to marriage. By the time the youngest child is in school her SMV [Sexual Market Value] relative to yours will have dropped, and you are safer.

You see what I was saying about how hard ROK is trying to become the worst publication in the world?

I couldn’t bring myself to look at the comments.

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daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

Is lesbianism the end game of feminism?

Oh I need to stop reading those other comments…but I…just…can’t….so much stupidity to be mined…

Cyberwulf
Cyberwulf
10 years ago

why do we have a natural inclination to prefer virgin women to sluts and why do we feel a certain disgust at knowing our woman has had more than one cock (yours) in her?

haha yes of course this must be genetic and not at all to do with bullshit social norms that you perpetuate every day Mr. pua you hot stud you

Cyberwulf
Cyberwulf
10 years ago

Is lesbianism the end game of feminism?

Well, the more these guys talk, the more I’m getting there.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
10 years ago

Yes, lesbianism is the end game. You see, when we ship out your Welcome Aboard toaster what we don’t tell people is that there’s a mind control device hidden inside that plays Dworkin quotes at a sub-audible level, thus reprogramming unsuspecting women and turning them into weapons of feminist destruction (ie, women who won’t change their minds and go back to dating men later).

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

That ‘end game of feminism’ was actually suggesting lesbianism would destroy feminism.
All the talk of needing a virgin to marry someone dared to ask why the woman should save herself for you if you are happy to sleep around. The response:

Nonsense. Why should it be symmetrical?
Women make babies, men don’t. That’s asymmetrical to start with.
Chastity has been prized in women, and not men, since long before anyone was paying attention to such things. Why would a sudden burst of wishful thinking make it otherwise?
Now, if you were two lesbians, you might have an argument, which makes me wonder: Is lesbianism the end game of feminism?

Soz I didn’t make that clear. The last bit just struck me so hard as glorious nonsense.

Cyberwulf
Cyberwulf
10 years ago

I always thought the Ultimate Objective was to enslave men and force them to labour in the tampon mines.

Flora
Flora
10 years ago

I’m just not getting it. Abortion is murder and therefore bad. Condoms are… Somehow also murder and therefore also bad. LITERALLY THREATENING MURDER IF SHE EVER DARES LEAVING YOU… Good?…

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

Oh wait, no now I read it again y’all are correct! Of course the evil lesbians and feminists are in it together! D’oh.

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

Abortion gives women some amount of control. Which is basically the murder of mens rights. Actually murdering an actual woman is fine. You must be new here Flora.

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

I am obviously incredibly naive, but what would and ENT doc know about someones sexual history?

Flora
Flora
10 years ago

Long time lurker (hence my ability to glaze over the omfg horror of this) but I still can’t grasp the internal logic of these two things. At least the Quiverful folks don’t directly fly in the face of their “moar babies, all teh times!!” idiocy by directly advocating murder. The only way I think I can parse this is by the assumption that they are gods, and so they can give and take life away at will, but everyone else does it, it’s murder. These men are heinous and self absorbed but I don’t think many are quite THAT delusional…

Flora
Flora
10 years ago

@dainty – people can learn to suppress their gag reflex, I think the idea here is to get them to check that the gag is adequately strong to suggest they haven’t been having oral sex (because women obviously never receive oral sex). This seems to be even less reliable than the hymen, since reflex responses are dependent on a million things apart from “have people gotten this reflex before” because… I can’t even get into explaining how dumb this is…

brooked
10 years ago

This article is either supposed to be entertaining in it’s “outrageousness” or titilating with all it’s male dominance, because I find it hard to believe pua-types want an endless stream of children to support. I just don’t see how you go from being a fan of books about “banging” random chicks across Europe to wanting a quiverful-style baby factory wife. That’s seems quite a leap, but, I don’t know, maybe that’s the switch reactionary misogynists make later in life, in leau of actual maturing.

If they suggest that getting a woman pregnant in order to get her to agree to marry you is a grand idea then they must be big fans of all those fanciful tales of sperm-jacking, right?

weirwoodtreehugger
10 years ago

Chastity has been prized in women, and not men, since long before anyone was paying attention to such things.

So, they’re saying that before humans were writing, chastity was prized in women and not men? And they know this … how? Or are they saying virgins were prized on a subconscious level with men not knowing they preferred virgins? Because women who aren’t virgins give off slutty mind rays that men can sense? I’m confused.

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
10 years ago

This is the spherian Proper Marriage (TM). It is not just on RoK — it is being promoted by these sickos on every spherian blog.

We can see clearly why these… men are shunned by women everywhere.

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
10 years ago

Cyberwulf:

“I always thought the Ultimate Objective was to enslave men and force them to labour in the tampon mines.”

Shhh! We are not supposed to talk about it. Yet.

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

omg weirwoodtreehugger!

I too have a whore-dar. Though I always referred to what sluts emanate as “slut rays” and I could always detect slut rays.
Still though, some women are stealth models who don’t emanate slut rays and the whore-dar won’t pick up an signal. These are the worst of the worst for at least a slut has some honesty. I’ve dealt with “angels from heaven” who turned out to be the worst pit demons.
(some of them were great homemakers and cooks too – which is why I cannot judge a woman on such skills any more)

How did you know about their whore-dar and slut rays?!

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

@Flora
Really? It’s about gag reflex? Really? Wow. I just…yeah. Anacondas are the sluttiest of all sluts.

zennurse
zennurse
10 years ago

The ENT thing is complete bizarro world, but was in the context of à required prescreening medical eval for possible contamination. I can just imagine explaining that to a doc who has a waiting room full of sinus infections and laryngeal cancer patients.

“Uh, yeah doc, just check her throat hymen, wink, wink”.

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

HOLD THE PHONE! They’ve just discovered the cure for ADHD! Amazing.

zennurse
zennurse
10 years ago

Its really amazing what you can find over there. There’s a post about the 1-10 rating system of looks and what ratings are OK to fuck only if blackout drunk or have a casual recurring hookup without introducing to friends to short term relationship. There is no mention of personality, çonnection, intelligence, talents, shared goals or activities. Only fuckability.

On AVFM, the ‘activist’ website for men, today I searched for activities, links, groups, anything at all about men’s rape (besides their white ribbon fraud). I found two posts in the forums from young, young men both victims of older gay men. The response included one great guy who gave links and tons of support (not an AVFM staff) and the rest were literally, “you’re fucked”. I looked at a bunch of pages. There isn’t even a forum topic on male rape.

zennurse
zennurse
10 years ago

Dainty, its like the Onion, isn’t it?
Too bad its real.

sunnysombrera
10 years ago

Dainty: weirwood is a Senior Researcher in our feminist underground lab. You know, the one we’re using to look into growing teeth in vaginas (Operation Dentata). Anyway, WWTH has been put in charge of detection of slut rays and development of whore-dars. The problem is that ROK spies have stolen some data. We’re currently trying to contact the Social Justice Warriors in getting it back but they’re very busy with messing up Firefox and causing global warming. KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON, PEOPLE.

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

Zennurse, I just can’t stop reading the comments! Do they ever end? I’ve been meaning to go play civ 5 for ages but I just can’t stop!

HA! The bf just came in and said don’t go on imgur, I was like what now, he said every second image is butthurt over that scientist getting flack over his massively inappropriate shirt and its boring as all hell.
My bf is the best bf.

pallygirl
pallygirl
10 years ago

Okay, so delved into the comments too and found this gem (not the full comment):

If you are looking for a wife in the west, you have to go young otherwise you are wasting your time and will marry a cum dumpster. Every time you walk down the street there are probably multiple men who cummed on her face giving her the wink and you don’t know.

Is semen so magical that its effects last forever if applied topically? What is the fetishism with men ejaculating “on” her face? Apparently this is what all the heterosexual sex is about now these days, because he’s so hung up on this particular sex act.

So every man around me (excluding the PUAs) has performed on this act on every woman around men? Bloody hell, where does everyone find the time to work, carry out hobbies, eat, and so forth?

Poor Elizabeth Bathory, she got the wrong bodily fluid.

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