Was Marysville school shooter Jaylen Fryberg trying to exact revenge on a girl who had rejected him? Various news accounts suggest that Fryberg was reeling from a recent breakup; a number of angry, anguished, and frustratingly enigmatic recent comments on Fryberg’s Twitter account seem to back this up.
So it may be that the shootings on Friday were yet another reworking of an old story.
It’s no secret that many men, for an assortment of reasons, react badly and often violently to romantic and sexual rejection. This can range from self-described “nice guys” of OkCupid sending vicious messages to women who say no all the way to angry men who stalk and harass and sometimes kill ex-wives and girlfriends. Women who leave abusive relationships often suffer greater violence at the hands of exes unwilling to let them go.
I’ve written before of the striking ways that Men’s Rights Activism recapitulates the logic of domestic abuse; it’s no coincidence that so much MRA “activism” consists of harassment of individual women. So the question naturally follows: does the rage that drives so many MRAs come from the same dark place in the psyche as the rage that so many romantically and sexually rejected feel towards their exes?
Think of the fury many divorced MRAs feel towards their exes and women at large. Think of the self-pitying rage of “nice guys” MRAs in their teens and twenties who feel they’ve been unfairly “friendzoned” by stuck-up women.
As I pondered the tragedy in Marysville, I found myself thinking again about a disturbing short story written by A Voice for Men’s Paul Elam several years ago (and which I posted about recently).
In the story, you may recall, a jilted husband tells the other men in an anger management group session just what had landed him there. His story, as rendered by Elam, is a melodramatic and often mawkish tale of a man betrayed by a narcissistic “hypergamous” wife who left him for his business partner while he had been out of town at the funeral for his father. Oh, and she stole all his money, to boot. (Elam is not what you’d call a subtle writer.)
When the story’s hero finally confronts his ex, whom he finds ad his business partner’s house, she comes to the door in a nightie and tells him she left him because he just wasn’t cutting it in the sack. Then she makes a point of refusing to kiss him goodnight (and goodbye) because, she tells him sadistically, he probably wouldn’t like “the taste of another man’s cock on her lips.”
And so, the hero tells the other angry men in his group, he punched her in the nose so hard he broke it.
It’s clear Elam identifies wholly and completely with the hero, and we are supposed to see his punch as a form of righteous justice administered to his sadistic, emasculating ex.
There are a lot of angry divorced men in the MRM – including some with several divorces in their past. The standard MRA explanation is that these men come to the Men’s Rights movement after being “raped” — their word, not mine – in divorce court, or kept apart from their children by angry exes.
But I don’t think that’s it. Many of the angriest don’t even have any children. I suspect that the rage they feel is more like the rage of Elam’s hero – a rage borne out of a deep sense of sexual humiliation and the loss of control over the women who have rejected and abandoned them.
The anger of many younger MRAs seems to have a similar psychosexual source. These are the young men who rage against “friendzoning” and wax indignant about “false rape accusations” and “yes means yes.” In their mind, women are the “gatekeepers” of sex, and this frustrates and sometimes enrages them.
On some level they feel that women are collectively depriving them of the sex that they deserve, and they feel resentful they have to, in their mind at least, jump through so many hoops to get it. Some, I suspect, think that there’s no way they can actually “get” sex without cutting a few corners, consent-wise, and resent feminists for making this harder for them.
The self-righteous rage of the rejected is a dangerous thing. It’s dangerous when it’s directed at individual women. And it’s dangerous when it’s directed at women at large.
“His property didn’t reject him, his property rebelled against the rightful order of things.”
When a woman rejects you, you can always say to yourself, “B!tch doesn’t know what she’s missing.’ When your wife dumps you, that bit of consolation isn’t available.
Woah woah woah.
Woah.
As a representative of the unliving I must on the strongest terms protest this besmirchment if our good name.
The habitual oppression of the vitality-challenged has gone on for quite too long! And further, just because I happen to be landed gentry with an interest in the linages of my prefered
beveragespre-deceased human acquantinces does not make me an undead beaucrat.I’ll have you know my position in the civil service is considerably above menial
Woah woah woah.
Woah.
As a representative of the unliving I must on the strongest terms protest this besmirchment if our good name.
The habitual oppression of the vitality-challenged has gone on for quite too long! And further, just because I happen to be landed gentry with an interest in the linages of my prefered
beveragespre-deceased human acquantinces does not make me an undead beaucrat.I’ll have you know my position in the civil service is considerably above menial paperpushing. Age does have its priviledges.
John Allman:
Woah. Wait. So what you’re saying here is that the people who are drawn to the MRM aren’t drawn to it because of any actual injustice that actually exists? But to a “perception” – a “perception” that just happens to line up with prevalent cultural stereotypes about gender roles and “evil man-hating feminists” out to destroy society?
Um, yes? The MRMs beliefs are not based on reality. The MRM is full of raging misogynists. Yes, this is all true.
What was your point again? Did you ever actually have a point?
@sparky, are they becoming aware?!
The goal posts, they move so quickly! And I thought hockey was fast! John, you really could teach the NHL a few tricks.
Hey John Allman, you’ve been asked to go, repeatedly. Do you trespass in other people’s homes? Gatecrash parties? You’re doing that here. You’re not wanted. I’m going to ask David to moderate or ban you, and delete your posts as they come up in the meantime.
@John:
You have a very limited imagination.
“Alienation,” in my experience, is one of the key complaints of the emotional abuser who feels their targets are getting away. I have a limited personal experience with this; back when I was dealing with depression, the father who described our familial relationship as that of an employer/employee sat down in front of a therapist and complained that he felt we were drifting too far apart and that he just wanted a closer relationship. That same father during a recent divorce complained that my mom was turning everyone against him when in reality we were just realizing what an abusive asshole he had been behind the scenes.
“Alienation” could be a type of abuse, but if it happens with any frequency I haven’t seen it. Instead, “alienation” seems to be more often the last attempt at control, basically saying “you are the truly abusive one not continuing to engage with me and wanting to get away.”
That is the “red flag.” Given your behavior here and the reaction of the regulars, it looks like that red flag has been confirmed.
@ Fibinachi – I’m sure no one meant to offend the undead!
(We loves the Fibi, Precious, yes, we does! All the sweet juicy drip drip! So tasty, Precious! We’ll bring the Fibi tasty youngthings, we will! ::gollum::)
‘K, folks… if you were to look at John’s tin foil lined blogs, you would understand that he’s always and in perpetuity going to come back for more. Yes, I know we should not make armchair diagnoses, but I’m telling you peoples, I’ve seen this before. There are very good reasons why he does not have any shared custody of his child, nor, apparently, any contact at all. And the things that are at the root of that will keep this thread alive for 100 years.
So I guess all that stuff about wage parity and equal representation in government/media/law enforcement and bodily autonomy was in my fevered imagination? I’VE BEEN SO BLIND!
You have officially become too stupid to even attempt to reason with. Kill all men.
Maybe John should go start an argument over at Pharyngula if he thinks this place is nasty.
*giggles*
That’s why I think the mods should make him go away. He’s going to be harder to shake than a limpet, and twice as slimy.
@ Shaun – but that’s just women whinging about teh menz! Those aren’t real problems that real people (men) have! Also, feminist hate men, not toxic masculinity or patriarchy! Those words refer to masculine things, so checkmate, feminazis!
(Oops, sarcasm overdose. Is narcan an antidote for that? Or should I just eat more chocolate?)
You should steal John’s chocolate, since his undead body can’t digest it anyway.
@grumpyoldnurse, I think you’re supposed to pair cheese with whine.
booburry
Oh yes, yes! Someone teleport him there! He’ll be eviscerated and then the Poopyhead will obliterate the sad remains with the banhammer, in Big Red Letters.
cassandra – I’ve contacted the Dark Lord.
General note: if the troll posts again, let us know (via the mods email or mine, for those who have it) and I’ll zap his comments.
Nope, whine’s out as there’s already been so much of it around here. But, stealing John’s chocolate? THAT I could do!
mods’ email, dammit.
ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD!!! and Bootsy!
Shut up, Woody!
Actually vampires are too glamorous, I wasn’t looking at the photo in enough detail. Nope, I have discovered the true secret of John eternal life, and the reason why no judge in their right mind is going to give him custody of a child. Behold, a family home video.
I’m sorry if this isn’t something I’m supposed to do when they’ve been modded, but omfg draaaaamaaaaa. If you don’t want your son to see you be thoroughly trounced, don’t come argue with people who know their shit way better than you do. FFS.
Oh, dear dog!! Really?
::gets holy water, stake, and hammer::
Oh I see? So wanting to have playable women, with adequate or even moderately appropriate clothing, roles in video games is about MEN! Wage parity is about MEN. Women’s representation in the media is about MEN. Government representation is about MEN (whoops valid complaint just not in the way John means). Birth control is about MEN. Property rights were about MEN. The right to vote? Totally about MEN. Sex Worker rights are actually MEN’S RIGHTS. Marital rape laws are about MEN (whoops another valid one). Domestic Violence shelters are about MEN (well obviously). So half are technically about men and the things men do (or in John’s world are blamed for). Thing is, John, these are things that negatively impact women everywhere, and if men *are* committing crimes against us, it’s about us needing safety and not men and I can’t believe you are so fucking egocentric that when we open a DV shelter you automatically think it’s about you. Here’s a thought…remove head from sphincter, then type.
And I just called NASA and they have assured me that you are *not* the center of the universe.
Oh the troll is sadflouncing!
Let me get my popcorn for the next wall o text.