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The Semen Thief: One Semen-Obsessed Redditor's Search for Answers

They do real so hard.
They do real SO HARD.

The Redditor who goes by the name vlodia has what can only be described as a unique set of interests: Stocks. Diablo. Leaked celebrity nudes. Anonymous browsing. And semen.

And while vlodia seems to keep most of his semen-related inquires confined to porn subreddits like r/tipofmypenis, he recently wandered into the Men’s Rights subreddit to ask about a semen-related quandary more serious than where to find “Videos Featuring A Guy Cumming Really Fast After Blowjob or Handjob?”

In his Men’s Rights posting, vlodia asked the subreddit’s legal whizzes just what a decent regular fella like himself could do to protect against false rape accusations in three distinct scenarios – one involving a girlfriend with a secret “agenda against you,” another involving a spiteful one-night-stand, and one involving an especially devious false accuser that vlodia calls The Semen Thief.

Yeah, let’s just skip ahead to that one.

Scenario 3: “The semen thief” — a woman paid a hooker to seduce a man, specifically instructing her to have sex with condoms, so [the hooker] can bring the semen-filled condom to the woman so she can put some in her vagina as a proof she was raped by this guy. When the woman was examined by a doctor, it was proven your sperm was positively inside her. As it turns out, this woman who is charging you happens to be your acquaintance through work. How can a man fight back against this charge?

The assembled Men’s Rights Redditors generously offered their hard-won wisdom on how best to handle these scenarios.

Thementallyillclam urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women.

thementallyillclam 4 points 20 hours ago   AVOID all intimate/personal contact with women. They are, in general, delusional LIABILITIES. At least in the US. You will be far better off WITHOUT them (and their COSTLY wastes of YOUR time, energy, and resources at minimum on STUPID crap THEY "think" is meaningful/worthwhile) in your life. They are PROFESSIONAL VICTIMS, "NOTHING" is their fault! If something doesn't work out, it's ALWAYS YOUR FAULT. Be warned, in their delusions YOU ALWAYS OWE THEM!  I didn't even have to read your scenarios. Just HEAD the OTHER way!

Lazlounderhill, by contrast, urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women.

lazlounderhill 2 points 16 hours ago   Scenario 1: MGTOW level 4  Scenario 2: MGTOW level 4  Scenario 3: MGTOW level 4

MetaMGTOW suggested a rather inventive strategy to help vlodia avoid all contact with women.

MetaMGTOW 1 point 8 hours ago   You obviously put quite a bit of thought into these scenarios!  I can only offer a possible pre-emptive protection strategy: Wear tidy & clean but slightly shabby clothing. If you do this you can get away with wearing decent shoes as they won't trump the shabby clothes. Don't shave more than once every few months and don't be afraid to grow a soup-catcher. Whenever women need to be interacted with, effect a high-camp voice and pout. Seems to work quite well at keeping 'em at bay in the first place, i.e. the only way to stand a near-perfect chance of avoiding your scenarios. As u/lazlounderhill said below, L4-OW if you need to eliminate all risk...

Mtersen, meanwhile, urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women. Or at least all women working at upscale clothing stores. And then to flee the country.

mtersen 3 points 17 hours ago   After working at a upscale clothing store, being the only hetero male with female and gay male co-workers, this is not surprising. I witness girls joking all the time that "if their man didnt do this, i'll tell the cops he raped me" and learning about 2 female associates who would fuck rich older customers if they bought clothes for them from the store (the old guys would buy the clothes, give them to the girls, and this also helped the girls reach their sales goal), and listening to my gay managers say "i hate all theses girls, their just a bunch of lying cunts, fucking and lying to get whatever they want, im glad i went gay" IM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. The store was Express, and Express for men.

Though I hate fo find myself agreeing with Men’s Rightsers on anything, I too would recommend that vlodia avoid all contact with women.

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gilshalos
6 years ago

I also am a MYOS. Today I made a ham and salad sandwich on my own cheese and onion bread!

(OK )

gilshalos
6 years ago

Oops! Code mess up!
That bracketted OK, should read – OK, bought mix in a breadmaker bread. I am slowly working my way up to making handmade bread from scratch!

Nick Kavanagh
6 years ago

The Express bullshit didn’t happen. No gay man says “I’m glad I went gay”. They didn’t go gay, they are gay. It’s not a lifestyle or a choice, it’s human sexuality.

Puddleglum
6 years ago

@fruitloopsie, I also dislike the comparing of these asshats to kids, mostly because it’s a) a diss to kids and b) a cop-out. It’s like ‘boys will be boys’. All the ‘nope’ to that.

Puddleglum
6 years ago

@Nick & others. But would a bisexual MGTOW say ‘went gay’? That scenario wouldn’t shock me.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

I truly think MGTOWs don’t comprehend that gay men are genuinely gay. I think they see it as the ultimate escape from women. These people love to project.

seraph4377
6 years ago

@ Irene – it’s not recommended, to the point that some condom packages themselves say don’t do it, but plenty of people do. Rather risk plugging the pipes than leave them to be found in the waste basket, I guess.

katz
6 years ago

“The Semen Thief” sounds like the title of an extremely misguided YA novel.

strivingally
6 years ago

Level 4: Economic disengagement

The MGTOW refuses to produce more than is strictly necessary for his individual survival. He will limit actions that are punished by taxation without jeopardising his way of life and acceptable standard of living.

So the MGTOW Level Four is basically “I never grew out of thinking Ayn Rand was an awesome visionary, and also I would def totes be at the top of any Objectivist paradise”.

Also the idea that you’re somehow aiding The Great Feminist Conspiracy by paying taxes is fucking hilarious. Because obviously, taxes have never ever paid for anything for the benefit of men. Honestly, I don’t even know how these guys brain.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
6 years ago

Or maybe a Anne Rice novel about a succubus/incubus…

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
6 years ago

SA: So the MGTOW Level Four is basically “I never grew out of thinking Ayn Rand was an awesome visionary, and also I would def totes be at the top of any Objectivist paradise”.

Nope – Level 4 is an *excuse* for being a lazy bum holed up in a basement playing video games instead of working.

“I’m not wasting my potential – I’m adopting a political stance against feminazis!”

Kevin K
Kevin K
6 years ago

Wow. The perfect answer. See…we’re not that different, after all.

Kevin K
Kevin K
6 years ago

@Irene…my last female companion (OK, I’m having trouble with this…what’s the correct term for what was formerly known as “girlfriend”?) worked at a sewage treatment facility. She was actually in charge of some pretty cool stuff involving PCBs.

Her office was in the same facility where the flushed stuff came to be processed. And they had special “catchers” — not just for condoms though, because you wouldn’t believe the stuff people send down the crapper.

So yeah, not biodegradable, but definitely flushable. I always flushed mine and she never told me not to…so I’m assuming she was OK with it. But grease down the trap? No way!

Hellyeah
Hellyeah
6 years ago

“Whenever women need to be interacted with, effect a high-camp voice and pout.”

I am crying from laughing so hard. Oh man, I am getting too old for this shit.
Imagine how there are or at least how one guy is doing that because he has to interact with a woman. Hilarious! I’m inclined to believe that method gets him more women friends than he’d liked 😉

contrapangloss
6 years ago

If you live in a coastal city, or a city where wastewater is processed and put into the watershed, please do not flush the condoms. They often get shredded and torn apart in the pipes and in wastewater plants during processing, but it puts plastic remnants into the water system. Plastic in the oceans is a big deal, contributing to seabird and marine turtle deaths.

(okay, some plastic becomes microhabitats, and it’s a little hard to tell exactly what is going to get used as what. Still, overall plastic is a net bad, to the best of my knowledge.)

Save the turtles!

Toss those suckers in the trash and ensure the trash makes it into a secure landfill or waste processing place!

*poofs off in a cloud of marine biology righteousness*

kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

ej:

The guy is the one wearing the condom, so he’s the one who will be disposing of it.

If these guys’ personal hygiene is like Roosh’s, I wouldn’t bet they’d dispose of it at all.

kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

Level 5 MGTOW: Manvana.

Aaaaand leftwingfox wins the thread.

vaiyt
6 years ago

Level 1 MGTOW: Realize women are terrible people out to enslave men.
Level 2 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 3 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 4 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 5 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 6 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 7 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 8 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 9 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 10 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 11 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 12 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 13 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 14 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 15 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.

Repeat as needed.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
6 years ago

Is there a prestige class for this?

Puddleglum
6 years ago

No, but you can multiclass with either MRA or PUA (trying to mix all three gives you no advantages).

Fibinachi
6 years ago

If you’re doing GURPS, you just combine “Bad Temper” with “Hidebound” and “Fragile: “Ego”.

HJ
HJ
6 years ago

If only they would give up on women. They would not be missed!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gmZ4RJp5GQ&w=854&h=510%5D

GodlessK
GodlessK
6 years ago

So the international Femmunist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids has decided to just steal them instead?

GodlessK
GodlessK
6 years ago

Ha! NOW I see the tags. Great minds, they say…

Skye
Skye
6 years ago

Combining all three can reduce your charisma to a permanent 0

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

I can’t wait to see what kind of totally real scenarios they concoct from the plot of “Gone Girl”.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Is the semen mule supposed to swallow the condom in order to smuggle it past the DEA? That would make it a little more plausible.

Dennis Jernberg (@dennis_jernberg)

(Note: since I’ve signed in with my Twitter account, a disclosure: my preferred hashtag is #mrafail. Feel free to borrow.)

This “vlodia” guy’s semen obsession… come to think of it, it does remind me of General Jack D. Ripper and his precious bodily fluids. In the spirit of “a stopped clock is right twice a day”, I also agree that he should GHOW. If only those MTGOWs really would, you know, GTOW…

L4-OW

That MRA jargon: so obscure, they might as well be a cult. Though of course they blame the “females” for not understanding (the cooties are always to blame).

Combining all three can reduce your charisma to a permanent 0

As these bozos never fail to demonstrate in increasingly absurd ways.

zombie Ebola babies

Are they selling those at Spirit Halloween this year?

im glad i went gay

Ah, that old conservative zombie meme, “the gay lifestyle”. I’m sure MRAs threaten to “go gay” to threaten their “females” into putting out, but of course they would never actually do so because they think gays are so unmanly and so infected with cooties they “go female”.

(from that DoNotLink link)
I’ve noticed I always feel slightly violated after spending any time with them, like something has been taken from me.

ZOMG FEMALES ARE VAMPIRES!!!1! (Also, relevant point related to the recent Camille Paglia post: Molly Ivins didn’t mention it [though she did write, “Ms. Paglia believes that all her personal experiences are Seminal”], but Paglia speaks a lot of “the vampirism inherent in female sexuality”. It’s her explanation for why art and science have always been male-dominated, naturally enough always asserted and never explained.)

Femmunist

I’m totally swiping that and putting it in the mouths of my villains. It goes so well with “commonist” and “nucular”…

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

@Bina: MYOS? I really like the acronym MYOS! I have joined the horde of MYOS, for I have made my own tasty sammich for lunch today on rosemary-herb bread, with sharp cheddar cheese and no icky mayonnaise.

MGTOWs, consider MYOS. Also, hurry up and get to stage 4, so’s we don’t have to deal with you.

Thank you kindly!

You’re welcome! If only MGTOW would turn into MMTOS (Men Making Their Own Sammitches), they’d be less hangry and therefore, less hateful. And less dependent on women, and less resentful of them, too. Full of win, that idea is…

People flush condoms? I’d have thought they were about the least flushable things ever.

Heh…the first guy I ever had sex with tried that. The first time we had sex, no less. He threw it in the toilet and then was miffed when the damn thing insisted on floating and not flushing. I made him fish it out and stick it back in the wrapper, then tuck it well down the wastebasket, where it belonged.

GrumpyOldMan
6 years ago

“Paglia speaks a lot of “the vampirism inherent in female sexuality””

Does she perhaps think that women have to drink male blood to make up for what they lose every month? Nah — so what could that possibly MEAN? I think it means she was once a bright undergraduate who learned that you could get A’s but writing brilliant-sounding bullshit that didn’t have to make any sense, and she’s just gotten better and better at playing that game. Memorable phrases, no cogency.

leftwingfox
6 years ago

Is the semen mule supposed to swallow the condom in order to smuggle it past the DEA? That would make it a little more plausible.

Dammit, I needed those sinuses!

Robert
Robert
6 years ago

Huh. Excessive disclosure alert.

I always put my used condoms in the wastebasket. Flushing them just seemed like an exercise in futility. The idea that someone could abstract them from the premises without my knowledge seems. . . far fetched. Although it did make me think of a relatively obscure song, and how it could be parodied. So, with apologies to Sparks:

“I am the Semen Thief/ Say goodbye to your jizz/
Oh, no! Where did my seed go?
Oh, no! Where did my seed go?
The semen thief has got it and you’ll never get it back !
The semen thief has got it and you’ll never get it back!
Lights out, MRA! Lights out, PUA!”

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

“Paglia speaks a lot of “the vampirism inherent in female sexuality””

Now how the hell does she square that with the predatory, red-eyes-glowing-in-the-dark view of male sexuality she was just expounding the other day?

Ah yes, I forgot. It’s sexism. It wants to have its cake and eat it, too. And babble gibberish the entire time.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

I think this dude watched The Crush too many times in the 90s. Just because semen jacking for false rape accusations worked in a bad movie, doesn’t mean it will work in real life.

Dennis Jernberg (@dennis_jernberg)

Paglia speaks a lot of “the vampirism inherent in female sexuality”

Now how the hell does she square that with the predatory, red-eyes-glowing-in-the-dark view of male sexuality she was just expounding the other day?

They’re complementary, the female vampire and the male brute. This dualism’s all over Sexual Personae, especially in the chapter on The Faerie Queene. But considering that she’s such a fangirl of the Marquis de Sade (who of course gets his own chapter), I suspect that she got it from him.

Noadi
6 years ago

Interesting note, latex condoms are biodegradable. However, latex doesn’t break down well when in water (apparently not enough oxygen for the type of bacteria that will break down latex) so flushing them is a bad idea environmentally speaking as well as not good for plumbing.

Syburi
6 years ago

Probably shouldn’t have been eating dinner while reading about sperm jacking and semen mules. Semen mules. Now there’s a 21st century concept. Yowza.

talacaris
6 years ago

I think I’ve seen a porn with a similar plot, so thats perhaps where he’s got this idea from.

Condoms down the drain: No, just no. I’ve talked to some workers at the wastewater treatment plant, and this is one thing that really fucks up the systems so don’t.

If you’re really worried ’bout the semen rinse the codom on inside w water and soap. That way you can also check the integrity of the condom post-coitus. Pour semen and water into the toilet and flush. Condom in the waste bin. If not worried double knost on the condom prevents smell from the waste bin. (Why is this not included in sex ed)

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

They’re complementary, the female vampire and the male brute. This dualism’s all over Sexual Personae, especially in the chapter on The Faerie Queene. But considering that she’s such a fangirl of the Marquis de Sade (who of course gets his own chapter), I suspect that she got it from him.

I would imagine so. I’ve actually READ The Faerie Queene in its (admittedly incomplete) entirety, and there’s precious little in it to hint at female vampirism. It’s far too courtly for that, on the whole. Mostly, the nasty females are just dressed in red who pretend to be the True Church, and all. It’s an allegory for Catholicism, which of course is Paglia’s great fetish.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Ugh, scratch that “who” and insert “and”.

lacerta viridis
6 years ago

Why do MGTOW never go their own fucking way already? Seriously. Please leave. I will hold the door for you and everything.

Dennis Jernberg (@dennis_jernberg)

I would imagine so. I’ve actually READ The Faerie Queene in its (admittedly incomplete) entirety, and there’s precious little in it to hint at female vampirism. It’s far too courtly for that, on the whole. Mostly, the nasty females are just dressed in red who pretend to be the True Church, and all. It’s an allegory for Catholicism, which of course is Paglia’s great fetish.

Except Spenser was Protestant (his allegory revolves around a legendary ancestry for the Tudors, and looking him up in Wikipedia I found out he was involved in the English suppression of Catholic Ireland); and “female vampirism” is just typically overblown Paglian hyperbole, her name for the “femme fatale” trope. The actual female vampires her trope name refers to, like their male counterparts, were created by Romantic writers.

Rereading Paglia again reminds me it’s the badly suppressed paganism she admires in The Faerie Queene, and she admires Catholicism for the same reason. She thinks Protestantism boring because it purged all Catholicism’s pagan elements. Hence her love for not just Sade but Madonna, both of whom make great sport of desecrating things Catholic for their art.

Why do MGTOW never go their own fucking way already? Seriously. Please leave. I will hold the door for you and everything.

Ya think? GYOW, vlodia, just GYOW please.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
6 years ago

Talacaris:

If you’re really worried ’bout the semen rinse the codom on inside w water and soap. That way you can also check the integrity of the condom post-coitus. Pour semen and water into the toilet and flush. Condom in the waste bin.

I always rinse my condoms with water after use, not really for any reason other than irrational ickiness about having decaying body fluids in my waste bin. I haven’t heard of anyone else actually doing this, although I’ve seen it proposed as advice from a normal person to those with grave spermjacking concerns.

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

Well, today I learned a valuable lesson about condoms and plumbing. Thanks, Mammoth!

RE: strivingally

So the MGTOW Level Four is basically “I never grew out of thinking Ayn Rand was an awesome visionary, and also I would def totes be at the top of any Objectivist paradise”.

Actually, I’ve seen other groups who take vows of voluntary poverty for similar reasons. They disapprove of how their tax dollars would be spent (mostly involving current wars) and so willingly live on the economic margins.

Not an easy life to live, but it seemed to work for them. I always considered it a fairly clever way to take a third option.

RE: Kevin K

you wouldn’t believe the stuff people send down the crapper.

Baby gators!

LoriK
LoriK
6 years ago

I know this is a small point, and yet I’m totally stuck on it—vlodia didn’t spend any time at all thinking up with scenario. His Sperm Thief is lifted straight from an episode of Law & Order. vlodia must have been binge watching L&O on We.

Nerobyrne
Nerobyrne
6 years ago

“Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.”
MRAs scoff at this sentence, but it is a radical notion; it means women can be con-artists, liars, swindlers, greedy, and they can abuse the law.
And a portion of them will.

I am all for taking responsibility for your actions. I also agree that the stated scenario is possible, but rare. Seems like a lot of work, would be easier to just sleep with the dude and “forget” the pill.

But all this means is that men have to be careful where they put their semen, or get a vasectomy if they never want kids. If you are too stupid to figure this out, you deserve to get screwed by the system.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
6 years ago

It must be so terrible, to live in a fantasy world where people want to steal your precious bodily fluids, but on the other hand I can see where it might appeal to someone like Nerobyrne. It would be pleasing to the ego, in a twisted way, to imagine that one’s semen is so precious and valued that women would use a Law & Order plot to obtain it.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Taking responsibility for your actions like wearing a condom? Oh the horror.

Anarchonist
Anarchonist
6 years ago

“Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.”
MRAs scoff at this sentence, but it is a radical notion; it means women can be con-artists, liars, swindlers, greedy, and they can abuse the law.
And a portion of them will.

I know Nerobyrne is just a drive-by troll, but I almost LOL’d at this utter lack of self-awareness.

Yes. Feminists generally agree that since women are people (just like men), they can do terrible things (just like men), and they shouldn’t be put on a pedestal as unrealistic ideas of people, but treated like people who can do both right and wrong (just like men). Our society should reflect that. The problem is that is doesn’t.

But since Nerobyrne lives in a strange fantasy reality, the problem apparently is that women are now able to live easy on the fucking enormous sums of child support that force men into poverty and slavery. Bearing children and being a single mother is such a lucrative and easy get-rich-quickly scheme.

Go easy on the red pills, Nerobyrne. They fuck you up. And for the love of god, get that vasectomy.

Nerobyrne
Nerobyrne
6 years ago

I am very confused here. I only stated that men need to be careful where they put their penis, as well as clean up after themselves. How is this in any way “living in a fantasy world”?

Women and men can both be potentially evil people, so both men and women need to make sure that they are being responsible about sex. How is this in any way “living in a fantasy world”?

Or are people on this site actually representing the idea that women are completely free of all blame, at all times? Are you people saying that females are 100% incapable of doing anything evil?
Maybe the very idea that women can be the things that I listed is offensive to you. Please tell me, have you lifted up females to the level of goddess, because I thought we were all human beings.

PS: It seems like you think that my opinion is invalid because my life choice is different from yours. That is extremely closed minded.