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The Semen Thief: One Semen-Obsessed Redditor's Search for Answers

They do real so hard.
They do real SO HARD.

The Redditor who goes by the name vlodia has what can only be described as a unique set of interests: Stocks. Diablo. Leaked celebrity nudes. Anonymous browsing. And semen.

And while vlodia seems to keep most of his semen-related inquires confined to porn subreddits like r/tipofmypenis, he recently wandered into the Men’s Rights subreddit to ask about a semen-related quandary more serious than where to find “Videos Featuring A Guy Cumming Really Fast After Blowjob or Handjob?”

In his Men’s Rights posting, vlodia asked the subreddit’s legal whizzes just what a decent regular fella like himself could do to protect against false rape accusations in three distinct scenarios – one involving a girlfriend with a secret “agenda against you,” another involving a spiteful one-night-stand, and one involving an especially devious false accuser that vlodia calls The Semen Thief.

Yeah, let’s just skip ahead to that one.

Scenario 3: “The semen thief” — a woman paid a hooker to seduce a man, specifically instructing her to have sex with condoms, so [the hooker] can bring the semen-filled condom to the woman so she can put some in her vagina as a proof she was raped by this guy. When the woman was examined by a doctor, it was proven your sperm was positively inside her. As it turns out, this woman who is charging you happens to be your acquaintance through work. How can a man fight back against this charge?

The assembled Men’s Rights Redditors generously offered their hard-won wisdom on how best to handle these scenarios.

Thementallyillclam urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women.

thementallyillclam 4 points 20 hours ago   AVOID all intimate/personal contact with women. They are, in general, delusional LIABILITIES. At least in the US. You will be far better off WITHOUT them (and their COSTLY wastes of YOUR time, energy, and resources at minimum on STUPID crap THEY "think" is meaningful/worthwhile) in your life. They are PROFESSIONAL VICTIMS, "NOTHING" is their fault! If something doesn't work out, it's ALWAYS YOUR FAULT. Be warned, in their delusions YOU ALWAYS OWE THEM!  I didn't even have to read your scenarios. Just HEAD the OTHER way!

Lazlounderhill, by contrast, urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women.

lazlounderhill 2 points 16 hours ago   Scenario 1: MGTOW level 4  Scenario 2: MGTOW level 4  Scenario 3: MGTOW level 4

MetaMGTOW suggested a rather inventive strategy to help vlodia avoid all contact with women.

MetaMGTOW 1 point 8 hours ago   You obviously put quite a bit of thought into these scenarios!  I can only offer a possible pre-emptive protection strategy: Wear tidy & clean but slightly shabby clothing. If you do this you can get away with wearing decent shoes as they won't trump the shabby clothes. Don't shave more than once every few months and don't be afraid to grow a soup-catcher. Whenever women need to be interacted with, effect a high-camp voice and pout. Seems to work quite well at keeping 'em at bay in the first place, i.e. the only way to stand a near-perfect chance of avoiding your scenarios. As u/lazlounderhill said below, L4-OW if you need to eliminate all risk...

Mtersen, meanwhile, urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women. Or at least all women working at upscale clothing stores. And then to flee the country.

mtersen 3 points 17 hours ago   After working at a upscale clothing store, being the only hetero male with female and gay male co-workers, this is not surprising. I witness girls joking all the time that "if their man didnt do this, i'll tell the cops he raped me" and learning about 2 female associates who would fuck rich older customers if they bought clothes for them from the store (the old guys would buy the clothes, give them to the girls, and this also helped the girls reach their sales goal), and listening to my gay managers say "i hate all theses girls, their just a bunch of lying cunts, fucking and lying to get whatever they want, im glad i went gay" IM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. The store was Express, and Express for men.

Though I hate fo find myself agreeing with Men’s Rightsers on anything, I too would recommend that vlodia avoid all contact with women.

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Kate
Kate
6 years ago

Wow. So, if they’re so intent on avoiding women…. WHY DON’T THEY ACTUALLY AVOID WOMEN?

The entire world would be a better place if they really did go their own way. Far, far away.

cloudiah
6 years ago

I love the jargon: L4-OW.

And don’t forget to WD-40, R2D2 and C3P0 while you’re at it, fellas.

Tefoo
Tefoo
6 years ago

They might very well be expatriating to certain countries in South American and Asia where they can live a life of leisure and pleasure. Good for the USA!

Luzbelitx
6 years ago

CW: rape

I find it hard to tell if this guy actually raped a coworker and is finding a story that suits his needs (like she TOTALLY spermjacked me, dudes!) or it’s just the normal level of paranoia and imagination included in his fucked-up worldview.

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
6 years ago

I think you forgot ACDC, Cloudiah.

cloudiah
6 years ago

They might very well be expatriating to certain countries in South American and Asia where they can live a life of leisure and pleasure. Good for the USA!

But terrible for South America and Asia!

titianblue
titianblue
6 years ago

From Mterson’s charming fiction:

I’m glad I went gay

“Went” gay? Said no one ever!

CirceMoon/BelleChatonne
CirceMoon/BelleChatonne
6 years ago

They live in such small, hateful, narrow little worlds. It would be extremely sad if they weren’t, you know, such vile wastes of oxygen.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Hello, Desert Islands, Inc.? Please ship this guy to one of yours, immediately. And make sure he has no Internet access. Thanx muchly.

Tzeenj
Tzeenj
6 years ago

Wow…just…wow… Scenario #3, and Mtersen’s comment- what colour is the sky in these guys’ worlds? Seriously, have any of these situations ever occurred in reality?

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

Omg laughing so hard at this guy’s “scenario”. What a fantasy world he lives in.

These guys worry about false rape accusations WAY too much. They’re more likely to be struck by lightening, eaten by a shark, win the lottery (God forbid) or all three. And a woman is more likely to be raped than a man be falsely accused.

That said, Red Pillers are not known for their reliance on factual information.

quantumscale
6 years ago

What are these MGTOW levels and why have I never heard of them before?

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

“Went” gay? Said no one ever!

It’s like when they try to sound like women. You know that he never once heard women joking about accusing men of rape. Just like the prostitute/coworker collusion, these things only happen in their imaginations.

Igrushka92
Igrushka92
6 years ago

So now it’s better to “go gay” than deal with woman? Couldn’t a man “hijack” their sperm as well? 😀 Anyway, that’s interesting, because I thought these guys would be the insanely homophobic kind.

Ellesar
6 years ago

I wonder what colour pill you have to take to believe that ‘semenjacking’ is an actual likelihood? I guess this is the only way that these kind of men can cope with the reality of the frequency of rape. But most rapes aren’t reported boys! The only woman I know who reported her rape was raped by her step father when she was 9, and her sister was too. He wasn’t convicted btw (‘historical’).

Andrew Johnston
6 years ago

Scenario 3: “The semen thief”

Okay, this is literally an episode of Law & Order. Specifically Season 10, Episode 7, entitled “Patsy.” So what is it, lads, you’ve just given up on getting your horror stories from reality and now you’re swiping (or “adapting”) them from television?

starkidnina
6 years ago

Okay, this may be the writer side of me, but I’m really hung up at the steps between “evil spermjacker woman hires a sex worker to have sex with hapless dude” and “sex worker and dude have sex”

Like…does the guy not know that the woman is a sex worker? Does she pretend that she’s honestly interested in him? Does the spermjacker woman point him out in a crowded bar and say “go, seduce him and steal his semen”? Avoiding all women would mean that he didn’t have sex at all, so I guess technically that is good advice.

The other step that baffles me is the process of getting the used condom from the guy’s bathroom to the evil spermjacker heistmistress. What if he flushes it? Then the spermjacker heistmistress is out quite a bit of money for nothing.

At first I was confused by the whole “why would anyone ever do that, or even worry about someone else doing that?” but I’ve come to realize that these gentlemen literally cannot tell the difference between women and “chaotic evil space lizards that I wrote about in this one fanfiction one time.”

grumpycatisagirl
6 years ago

I also did not know MGTOW had levels.

ej
ej
6 years ago

The other step that baffles me is the process of getting the used condom from the guy’s bathroom to the evil spermjacker heistmistress. What if he flushes it? Then the spermjacker heistmistress is out quite a bit of money for nothing.

I wondered this too. The guy is the one wearing the condom, so he’s the one who will be disposing of it. I’m pretty sure most guys would be creeped out if the woman they just had sex with said, “Hey, can I keep the condom we just used, you know, for it’s sentimental value?”

Newt
Newt
6 years ago

Levels of MGTOW are presumably like achievements in video games:

#1 – read (or upvote) five comments about GYOW

#2 – Write five upvoted comments about GYOW

#3 – Start a new topic about GYOW

#4 – Make a major contribution to the theory of GYOW, eg. by recommending moving to a planet that orbits a different star

#5 – Make own sandwich

Higher numbers haven’t yet been assigned, but are reserved for the eventuality that a proponent of MGTOW actually does anything about it.

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
6 years ago

Well, at least this is a new twist on the old “She stole my sperm because she wants to live high on the child support hog!” classic.

leftwingfox
6 years ago

Level 1 MGTOW: Realize women are terrible people out to enslave men.
Level 2 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 3 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 4 MGTOW: Withdrawing from women completely (note, achievement of this level is currently theoretical)
Level 5 MGTOW: Manvana.

Binjabreel
6 years ago

Jesus, didn’t that episode of l&o have the medical examiner point out there was something suspicious since there was clearly condom lubricant mixed into the semen? These assholes never read their own sources.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

Revisiting the claim that the women he worked with joked about fake rape accusations:

I’ve never in my life heard women do that. You know what I have heard? Men make and defend rape jokes as being benign and hilarious.

These guys are so far through the looking glass.

The spermjacking prostitute story came from Law and Order?

*facepalm*

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Hey Mammotheers,

I have a scenario of something horrible that might happen to me and I need some advice about how to deal with it.

What if a vengeful man hires Brad Pitt to seduce me (because all the ladies are into Brad Pitt and only Brad Pitt) and put Ebola infected sperm on the outside tip of the condom so that I get knocked up with a zombie Ebola baby?

This could totally happen. What should I do?

Doesn’t this scenario prove that men are delusional liabilities?

magnesium
6 years ago

I think there’s a strong possibility that this guy gets off on semen-related videos/photos/conversations/etc and was hoping he’d found a way to get a bunch of people on the internet to talk about semen to him for a little while. Unfortunately for him, they all just talked about being terrified of women.

hellkell
hellkell
6 years ago

Express is not upscale. It’s in every mall in America.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

I too am putting the clothing store guy’s tale in the “cool story bro” column. As others have said, gay men never say they “went gay.” Because gay men just happen to be attracted to men. They didn’t switch to only dating men to go their own way from women. It’s pretty clear these guys can’t imagine there are men that don’t simultaneously hate and want to fuck women. I also have never once heard a woman say, joking or seriously that she would falsely accuse her boyfriend of rape if he didn’t do what she wants.

However there’s a slight possibility this story is somewhat true. There are misogynistic gay men out there. The existence of them doesn’t prove women are awful though. It proves we live in a patriarchal culture that makes misogyny easy to come buy.

It’s also possible that this dude let it slip to his co-workers that he’s weirdly obsessed with false rape accusations and they’re joking about that in order to mock him.

I’m still going with “cool story bro” though.

It’s also cracking me up that he’s calling Express an upscale store. I’m not at all affluent and have owned several items from that store. It’s a typical mall store. When I saw upscale I was thinking Sak’s, Bergdorf’s or a fancy boutique. This isn’t meant to be a classist attack on people who can’t afford expensive designer clothes because I’m one of them. I just think it’s another hilarious example of a manospherian trying to pretend his job is prestigious when it isn’t. It’s like that rant from a couple of weeks ago when a guy who was clearly a telemarketer had some fancy made up title for his occupation.

Zolnier
Zolnier
6 years ago

This seems like a lot of effort just for some sperm. You would think if this imaginary woman was so desperate to get this guy convicted of rape she’d either pay the prostitute to accuse him or just have sex with him herself to acquire the evidence.

Of course this scenario is total bullshit but whatever

Puddleglum
6 years ago

#5 – Make own sandwich

Dammit, this was a new shirt… [dabbing at coffee]

grumpyoldnurse
6 years ago

Yeah, if they’re stealing plot lines from TV shows, why not go with that classic from Dexter where Dexter’s obsessed stalker lady roofied herself to frame Angel after she seduced him? Equally convoluted, and more plausible (though still highly unlikely).

Also, getting sperm from a used condom and taking it to another woman would be really difficult, IMO. Back when I was single and had the occasional ONS, dude would usually flush the condom/s afterwards, IIRC. Of course, I never went digging through the trash to ensure that, but…

Zolnier
Zolnier
6 years ago

At least this scenario is slightly more sane than the average sperm jacker fantasy. Usually for some strange reason the women want MRA babies.

Catalpa
Catalpa
6 years ago

They’re more likely to be struck by lightening, eaten by a shark, win the lottery (God forbid) or all three. And a woman is more likely to be raped than a man be falsely accused.

Not only that, but men are also more likely to be raped than to be falsely accused of rape. But I suppose in MRA land, rape is something that only exists as false accusations or as a handy term to describe losing at a video game or other situations that in no way involve nonconsentual sexual assault.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
6 years ago

Is the “semen thief” going to pay the seducer to disappear or lie to the police or in court about having sex with the dude during the necessary time frame? Is she going to pay friends to act as witnesses and lie about seeing her and the dude together?

I’m sorry, but even in a hypothetical world where rape victims were taken seriously, you’d have to fabricate a lot more than semen theft to make a conviction plausible. This guy must really buy into the nonsense that women just need to point a finger at a dude to get him arrested.

grumpycatisagirl
6 years ago

If anyone’s as curious as I was, here are the apparent “real” levels of MGTOW, straight from a forum post: http://www.donotlink.com/bz6q

AcidTrial
AcidTrial
6 years ago

So, that first comment from thementallyillclam. The dude’s stuck in so much random capitalization that it took me a solid three seconds to realize that the “US” he’s speaking of is the United States and not just the word “us”.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

men are also more likely to be raped than to be falsely accused of rape.

MRAs don’t care about male rape victims, especially since most of them were raped by other men. That was crystal clear when they made false rape accusations in response to a college trying to aid rape victims. That’s what get’s me about their insistence that women are awful for not doing more to stop prison rape when those rapes could be prevented by men not raping other men. Even when men harm men, as in most wars in human history, women are to blame. When women could not vote, they were still responsible for all war, according to MRAs.

They don’t want to stop wars. They don’t want to prevent rapes or reform prisons or help victims in any way. They don’t work toward workplace safety, better safety nets for veterans, guaranteed food, healthcare and housing to prevent homelessness, or better access to mental healthcare to prevent suicides. Those are excuses. They just want to hate, harass and blame women. The causes they pretend to care about are progressive causes and these guys are not progressives or even brogressives. What would help in each of these cases is some socialism and abandoning of toxic masculinity. Yet, these guys are often I-got-mine-Libertarians who buy into toxic masculinity wholesale. To actually make the changes they claim to want to see, they’d first have to recognize how harmful toxic masculinity is to all people, including men. They’d have to not only recognize patriarchy, but fight it. They’d also have to help people who are not straight white males who also need things like food, workplace safety, housing, reformed prisons and universal comprehensive healthcare. They’d have to admit that feminists are the cause of all man’s woes. They aren’t about to do any of that and actually make a difference.

If they did, they’d be social justice warriors and you know how racists and misogynists feel about those.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
6 years ago

They tell women to stop being cautious around men who might be a rapist which makes them misandrists but they are so PARANOID around women who might be sperm jackers and ‘cry rape’. Hypocritical much?

And mgtow please just GO! We want you to leave! Go to Jupiter to get stupider. Leave all women on the planet alone.

tealily
tealily
6 years ago

Every time one of these guys come up with one of their ridiculous, made-up scenarios it reminds me of when my kids were little and did the same exact thing to get out of trouble and were shocked when adults could see right through their story. These are clearly men that have not matured past the mental age of 7.

Also, what is it with men who can’t get attention from women to save their lives being obsessed with being falsely accused of rape? It’s too bizarre for words.

Iogrey
Iogrey
6 years ago

I have never heard any woman ever say that she would falsely accuse her boyfriend of rape! And imagine sleeping with old men (what are they even doing in Express?) to get a $30 sweater or something!
I like the guy who suggests being a nasty and unattractive as possible so women won’t want to entrap you or whatever!

Fibinachi
6 years ago

Level 1 MGTOW: Realize women are terrible people out to enslave men.
Level 2 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 3 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 4 MGTOW: Withdrawing from women completely (note, achievement of this level is currently theoretical)
Level 5 MGTOW: Manvana.

Your suggested levels of MGTOW are good, leftwingfox, but I feel I must offer some small corrections between levels 3 and 5.

Level 1 MGTOW: Realize women are terrible people out to enslave men.
Level 2 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 3 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.’
Level 4: MGTOW: Realize that the terrors of women have infected each and every sphere of the world, its economy and even outer space with the increased feminization of NASA and other space agencies
Level 5 MGTOW: Withdrawing from women completely (note, achievement of this level is currently theoretical)
Level 6: MGTOW: Having withdrawn from women, come to the conclusion that their pollution of all that is Right, True, Straight, Hard And Penile is wrong, and that their insidious cooties will find its way through even the best protected mancave defense system and weedle into your soul no matter how many layers of crusty socks you wear as armor.
Level 7: MGTOW: To escape the terrible clutch of women, withdraw from the world entirely, becoming an immaterial being of transcended misogynist rage and spittle transmigrating across the barriers of reality to breach into other dimensions
Level 8 MGTOW: Ascend to Manvana.
Level 9: MGTOW: Shitpost on the Etheralnet about how all the energy beings from Omnikron-7CX tend to favor quantum foam with leftward spinning quarks, which obviously makes them totes gay, ya all, and declare that their Pink-nergy that powers their a-gender, formless, shapeless compositions of psychic energy is totally to fat.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Grumpycatisagirl,

The Best part was reading the replies where they seriously discussed what level they are. One of them who is a 3, wrote that he feels slightly violated every time he interacts with a “female.”

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Yes! MGTOW, please get lost and stay there. GYOW, STFU, FOAD, and MYODS (Make Your Own Damn Sammitches)!

seraph4377
6 years ago

Further questions about the “sperm thief” scenario (apologies for being gross): 1) In addition to the “spermicide” problem mentioned above, wouldn’t the semen congeal if any time at all passed between the session with the sex worker and the delivery to the rape accuser? Somehow, I suspect that smearing semi-solid semen on your vulva isn’t going to look much like a rape. 2) Since a rape conviction pretty much isn’t going to happen without a medical exam (that’s the point of stealing the semen in the first place, after all), won’t the examiner be suspicious if they find no pubic hairs from the alleged rapist, no vaginal injuries, or indeed, any sign that they had any physical contact whatsoever other than highly-suspicious semen?

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Tealilly,
It’s probably because they don’t want to admit that some men can get consensual sex.

bekabot
6 years ago

You obviously put quite a lot of thought into these scenarios!

Yeah. He obviously did. So, let me reciprocate.

One of the things I both like and can’t stand about guys is the way they concoct these theoretical situations which about ten seconds of a thinkover would tell them never happen in RL. A woman who reports a rape to the police gets checked out physically after the report, not before, and only if the rape was recent. (Which is why women who are planning to report a recent rape are advised not to wash or brush their teeth.) You see what the problem is: evidence of that kind ages quickly and it doesn’t come in disposable packets, it comes out all over the woman’s body. A woman who only injected semen and decided to claim a rape on that basis would lack traces of the man’s presence everywhere else, and her claim would look very dodgy, to say the least. This is a scheme which would almost certainly not work, and the woman would lose her investment with the hooker.

If a woman does not go to the police first and visits a doctor without talking to them, it’s probably because she’s suffering the effects of an assault — an assault which was a real assault and not a ploy. In that case the chances are at least moderately okay that the woman never plans to talk to the police at all; she just wants her lip stitched up (or whatever) and then she wants to go home and get on with the rest of her life. Again, the odds that a lightbulb is going to ignite over her head and a puffy cloud inscribed with the words: “Ah-ha!! What a fantastic opportunity I now have to blame my ex for this” will appear overhead are close to zero. Nobody thinks that way or acts that way, not even in movies or comics or video games. You would think that fact would clue guys like vlodia in, and you would think that the circumstance that even their brother MRA’s refuse to engage directly with their fantasies (substituting instead the blanket recommendation “just don’t have anything to do with women, okay?”) would clue them in too, but people like this are immune to clues.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
6 years ago

WTH: What if a vengeful man hires Brad Pitt to seduce me (because all the ladies are into Brad Pitt and only Brad Pitt) and put Ebola infected sperm on the outside tip of the condom so that I get knocked up with a zombie Ebola baby?

This could totally happen. What should I do?

Trick question – if a man had enough money to hire Brad Pitt to seduce you, you wouldn’t have left him and he wouldn’t be vengeful. Only when women have sucked a man’s wallet dry like a thirsty camel with a small juice-pack do they laugh and leave men to be vengeful.

contrapangloss
6 years ago

@Bina: MYOS? I really like the acronym MYOS! I have joined the horde of MYOS, for I have made my own tasty sammich for lunch today on rosemary-herb bread, with sharp cheddar cheese and no icky mayonnaise.

MGTOWs, consider MYOS. Also, hurry up and get to stage 4, so’s we don’t have to deal with you.

Thank you kindly!

Irene
Irene
6 years ago

People flush condoms? I’d have thought they were about the least flushable things ever.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
6 years ago

Tea lily
“These are clearly men that have not matured past the mental age of 7.”

I should have said this sooner but I was told that I have a mentality of a child and so has some people that I know who are told by their doctors too. so please could we stop comparing these terrible people to children and me and my friends/family? Children are WAY WAY better than them. I’ll really appriciate it.

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