The Redditor who goes by the name vlodia has what can only be described as a unique set of interests: Stocks. Diablo. Leaked celebrity nudes. Anonymous browsing. And semen.
And while vlodia seems to keep most of his semen-related inquires confined to porn subreddits like r/tipofmypenis, he recently wandered into the Men’s Rights subreddit to ask about a semen-related quandary more serious than where to find “Videos Featuring A Guy Cumming Really Fast After Blowjob or Handjob?”
In his Men’s Rights posting, vlodia asked the subreddit’s legal whizzes just what a decent regular fella like himself could do to protect against false rape accusations in three distinct scenarios – one involving a girlfriend with a secret “agenda against you,” another involving a spiteful one-night-stand, and one involving an especially devious false accuser that vlodia calls The Semen Thief.
Yeah, let’s just skip ahead to that one.
Scenario 3: “The semen thief” — a woman paid a hooker to seduce a man, specifically instructing her to have sex with condoms, so [the hooker] can bring the semen-filled condom to the woman so she can put some in her vagina as a proof she was raped by this guy. When the woman was examined by a doctor, it was proven your sperm was positively inside her. As it turns out, this woman who is charging you happens to be your acquaintance through work. How can a man fight back against this charge?
The assembled Men’s Rights Redditors generously offered their hard-won wisdom on how best to handle these scenarios.
Thementallyillclam urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women.
Lazlounderhill, by contrast, urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women.
MetaMGTOW suggested a rather inventive strategy to help vlodia avoid all contact with women.
Mtersen, meanwhile, urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women. Or at least all women working at upscale clothing stores. And then to flee the country.
Though I hate fo find myself agreeing with Men’s Rightsers on anything, I too would recommend that vlodia avoid all contact with women.
Wow. So, if they’re so intent on avoiding women…. WHY DON’T THEY ACTUALLY AVOID WOMEN?
The entire world would be a better place if they really did go their own way. Far, far away.
I love the jargon: L4-OW.
And don’t forget to WD-40, R2D2 and C3P0 while you’re at it, fellas.
They might very well be expatriating to certain countries in South American and Asia where they can live a life of leisure and pleasure. Good for the USA!
CW: rape
I find it hard to tell if this guy actually raped a coworker and is finding a story that suits his needs (like she TOTALLY spermjacked me, dudes!) or it’s just the normal level of paranoia and imagination included in his fucked-up worldview.
I think you forgot ACDC, Cloudiah.
But terrible for South America and Asia!
From Mterson’s charming fiction:
“Went” gay? Said no one ever!
They live in such small, hateful, narrow little worlds. It would be extremely sad if they weren’t, you know, such vile wastes of oxygen.
Hello, Desert Islands, Inc.? Please ship this guy to one of yours, immediately. And make sure he has no Internet access. Thanx muchly.
Wow…just…wow… Scenario #3, and Mtersen’s comment- what colour is the sky in these guys’ worlds? Seriously, have any of these situations ever occurred in reality?
Omg laughing so hard at this guy’s “scenario”. What a fantasy world he lives in.
These guys worry about false rape accusations WAY too much. They’re more likely to be struck by lightening, eaten by a shark, win the lottery (God forbid) or all three. And a woman is more likely to be raped than a man be falsely accused.
That said, Red Pillers are not known for their reliance on factual information.
What are these MGTOW levels and why have I never heard of them before?
It’s like when they try to sound like women. You know that he never once heard women joking about accusing men of rape. Just like the prostitute/coworker collusion, these things only happen in their imaginations.
So now it’s better to “go gay” than deal with woman? Couldn’t a man “hijack” their sperm as well? 😀 Anyway, that’s interesting, because I thought these guys would be the insanely homophobic kind.
I wonder what colour pill you have to take to believe that ‘semenjacking’ is an actual likelihood? I guess this is the only way that these kind of men can cope with the reality of the frequency of rape. But most rapes aren’t reported boys! The only woman I know who reported her rape was raped by her step father when she was 9, and her sister was too. He wasn’t convicted btw (‘historical’).
Okay, this is literally an episode of Law & Order. Specifically Season 10, Episode 7, entitled “Patsy.” So what is it, lads, you’ve just given up on getting your horror stories from reality and now you’re swiping (or “adapting”) them from television?
Okay, this may be the writer side of me, but I’m really hung up at the steps between “evil spermjacker woman hires a sex worker to have sex with hapless dude” and “sex worker and dude have sex”
Like…does the guy not know that the woman is a sex worker? Does she pretend that she’s honestly interested in him? Does the spermjacker woman point him out in a crowded bar and say “go, seduce him and steal his semen”? Avoiding all women would mean that he didn’t have sex at all, so I guess technically that is good advice.
The other step that baffles me is the process of getting the used condom from the guy’s bathroom to the evil spermjacker heistmistress. What if he flushes it? Then the spermjacker heistmistress is out quite a bit of money for nothing.
At first I was confused by the whole “why would anyone ever do that, or even worry about someone else doing that?” but I’ve come to realize that these gentlemen literally cannot tell the difference between women and “chaotic evil space lizards that I wrote about in this one fanfiction one time.”
I also did not know MGTOW had levels.
I wondered this too. The guy is the one wearing the condom, so he’s the one who will be disposing of it. I’m pretty sure most guys would be creeped out if the woman they just had sex with said, “Hey, can I keep the condom we just used, you know, for it’s sentimental value?”
Levels of MGTOW are presumably like achievements in video games:
#1 – read (or upvote) five comments about GYOW
#2 – Write five upvoted comments about GYOW
#3 – Start a new topic about GYOW
#4 – Make a major contribution to the theory of GYOW, eg. by recommending moving to a planet that orbits a different star
#5 – Make own sandwich
Higher numbers haven’t yet been assigned, but are reserved for the eventuality that a proponent of MGTOW actually does anything about it.
Well, at least this is a new twist on the old “She stole my sperm because she wants to live high on the child support hog!” classic.
Level 1 MGTOW: Realize women are terrible people out to enslave men.
Level 2 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 3 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 4 MGTOW: Withdrawing from women completely (note, achievement of this level is currently theoretical)
Level 5 MGTOW: Manvana.
Jesus, didn’t that episode of l&o have the medical examiner point out there was something suspicious since there was clearly condom lubricant mixed into the semen? These assholes never read their own sources.
Revisiting the claim that the women he worked with joked about fake rape accusations:
I’ve never in my life heard women do that. You know what I have heard? Men make and defend rape jokes as being benign and hilarious.
These guys are so far through the looking glass.
The spermjacking prostitute story came from Law and Order?
*facepalm*
Hey Mammotheers,
I have a scenario of something horrible that might happen to me and I need some advice about how to deal with it.
What if a vengeful man hires Brad Pitt to seduce me (because all the ladies are into Brad Pitt and only Brad Pitt) and put Ebola infected sperm on the outside tip of the condom so that I get knocked up with a zombie Ebola baby?
This could totally happen. What should I do?
Doesn’t this scenario prove that men are delusional liabilities?