Who knew Aesop’s Fables was a pickup bible?
I assume you’re all familiar with Aesop’s story of the fox and the grapes: A fox wants some grapes, but can’t reach them. He walks off in a huff, sniffing that the grapes are probably sour anyway. The moral: “Any fool can despise what he can not get.”
The moral that pickup guru Heartiste draws from the story is a little different. As he sees it, the fox is a super cool alpha male who’s come up with an awesome way to put those slut grapes in their place.
In his latest blog post, Heartiste reports on the phenomenon of the “No Girl” – that is, a woman who turns down your advances before you’ve even said a word by putting up her hand and saying “no.” (Apparently this is a thing.) One of Heartiste’s readers wants to know what he can do to “to salvage and optimize the interaction.”
Heartiste starts off by assuring his readers that the No Girl’s grapes are definitely sour.
The No Girl is usually a 6 or 7 who thinks she’s a 9. Her autonomic rejection is an act put on for the purpose of self-medicating her ever-vigilant ego. Truly beautiful women will rarely do this because 1. they aren’t approached that often by men and 2. they don’t have to prove their worth with SMV striver antics.
Also, No Girls’ elbows are too pointy.
As Heartiste sees it, you need to let these gals know that their grapes are sour – but without sounding too much like the whiny baby that you are. Or, as Heartiste puts it:
[D]isplaying resentment or feeling insulted will redound to the No Girl’s victory. If you want to turn a No Girl into a Good To Go Girl, you’ll need a honed reaction that at once conveys your imperturbability and your cocky disregard for her faggy theatrics.
But fear not, dear readers, for Heartiste has some brilliant retorts you can use to totally show how awesomely alpha you are. Here are a couple of them, which I am not, I repeat not, making up:
“Hey chill out, I was just gonna tell you you have food on your face.”
“Hey chill out, I came over to talk to your friend.”
And the coup de grace:
“No, you don’t use Palmolive. Have you seen your callouses?”
In your face, ladies! YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SOUR!
In the comments, Heartise’s readers offer some of their own brilliant ideas. Again, I am not making any of these up.
“Eww, it looks like you’ve pitted out that blouse really bad.”
“Put your arm down, you’re attracting flies.”
“Raise your hand if you have a yeast infection.”
“Um…I was going to ask if you were one of my sister’s friends. She died last month. Have a nice day.”
“Your hands look like my grandma’s”
“Yeah when I saw no guy around I kinda figured you don’t swallow…you just won me $20.”
Some of them get a little … weird:
“Yeah… I know. I can smell it. You’re not ovulating.”
And threatening:
“10.000 years ago I would be raping you right now. Damn civilization. “
My favorite, though, is this one:
“Hey, whore I play hockey. You know what’s going on so shut up. You should be glad this God’s gift to women even looks you in the eyes.”
Uh, what does hockey have to do with anything?
Can any of you come up with even more brilliant retorts?
Lea: It sounds like women are like videogames to them. Cheat codes and such.
I was just watching an episode of Person of Interest. There was a guy in t who was like a PUA in that he coached men how to pick up women but was much more honest about what he was doing.
He said to one of the lead characters:
Women put a Hell of a lot of effort into looking beautiful for men. Wearing 7 in. heels and hours of makeup and putting up their hair is not comfortable for them. The very least a man can do is show his appreciation for so much work by putting at least some amount effort into his own appearance. Bathing, dressing properly and being interesting to her (not yourself).
These guys seem like they don’t want to put in the minimum amount of effort it takes to attract a woman. The want a beautiful woman to just throw herself on them for showing up, I guess.
Yup. Remember George Sodini? He got so pissed off that younger women weren’t doing just that, even though his house was tidy and he’d actually practiced a little basic hygiene, that he went and shot up a women’s fitness centre before killing himself. Seems an awfully drastic way of not-facing-facts, IMO.
@cerberustheasexual
That was my first thought, too. “Don’t flatter yourself/I wouldn’t do you anyway” is neither a new tactic, nor a subtle one. We already know it’s coming. This is a significant contributor to how unpleasant street harassment is–we know that “Hey beautiful” is only a breath away from turning into a stream of slurs and insults.
I mean, not only is this bad advice, it’s bad advice that’s as old as the hills, and just as obvious. But I suppose basically all “game” is.
Marinerachel: Were you flipping your hair while doing those things, Phoenician?
Wait – you need hair to do this?
FUCKING MISANDRY!!!!
Beautiful women are rarely approached by men? I think that they would disagree, in fact, they’re constantly approached and harassed by men.
On another note, I’ve had my ass grabbed more times than I can remember when I was a waitress. A bunch of young drunk guys sit at your station. While you’re trying to get their order, one reaches out and grabs your ass and acts like nothing happened. The other guys snicker. It’s humiliating and there’s nothing you can do about it (unless you want to get fired). Just try to stand far enough away that they can’t reach you. It’s also happened to me in crowded clubs and once my friend and I were followed down the street by a man saying very sexual things and grabbing my ass. I was really frightened and didn’t know how to handle it because I was only 12. Once a guy who I wasn’t interested in, but was just trying to be nice to just reached out and grabbed my breast. When I screamed at him he offered me money for a blow-job, then followed me saying please, please. I learned not to be too nice to strange men. Ignoring them can also backfire. I was chased down the street twice by men in cars after I just ignored their catcalls. They got angry and called me a bitch and a slut, etc. One guy said (with rage in his voice), “Yeah, you know you’re a bitch, don’t you?!, Don’t you!” So glad I’m 48 now and don’t have this problem. I never knew if it was better to be nice (I am nice) or ignore them, or what. It seems like any way you go, you lose.
I think the ‘hand up & “No”‘ come after watching a dood ‘work’ a room/street/event, and he’s now approaching target #32 (that would be you). If the guy is approaching it like sales, he gets treated like a salesman.
I wonder how often these doods’ success is based more on women deciding to sleep with the next reasonably attractive (to them) guy who asks, than with their PUA ‘tricks’.
Why do you think they call it “getting lucky”?
@cerberus:
Thanks for that Robot Hugs comic. I’m definitely going to be referring back to that in future! It’s a great explanation of some shitty attitudes guys have towards women who they think of as “theirs” vs women they don’t/can’t think of that way.
Also relevant to this gross sense of entitlement, by Amanda Marcotte: Chicago man would like you ladies to know you fail to entertain him properly. tl;dr version – why are you ladies so aloof when I try to approach you to give you an update from my boner?
XD
Important question: will you remember to pull your pants up before you run away? Because if not, and you fall in a heap, I want to see the video.
This is such a key part of their anger at women: they think women who aren’t the hottest of the hot should be grateful for any male attention they can get, and when those average-looking women fail to thank these guys for the gift of said attention, they obviously “think they’re hotter than they are” or “gaming” the men. They literally believe that moderately attractive women owe them something and feel wronged when those women don’t play along. It’s maddening.
Shipoopi: the original PUA manual?
It’s to make you feel bad about being rude to him, I guess. And to put you in your place for being so full of yourself that you thought you were worth hitting on.
“She’s not following the script! What do I do?!”
Strivingally, wow that guy…I think my favorite part of the screen cap is “do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers.” He gets to decide who can talk to him and why, but women must hear his compliments.
…And this one would get me talking to you.
It might result in dungeons and dragons, even.
Kittehserf: [blah blah blah] I want to see the video.
Yeah, they all want the D.
[Struts like the pantsless Alpha he is]
@Phonecian:
Ahhhhh! My eyes! Too much alphaness, too much! MAKE IT STOP! AHHHHH!
Can anyone direct me to the brain bleach and eyeball sanitizer?
Here you go…
Possibly the only thing connected to Michael Bolton worth seeing/hearing 🙂
You guys! I think I just found Fartiste’s dating profile!
And I think I also found his Craigslist ad!
Bina, that profile HAS to be a joke. It’s way too self aware to actually be one of these guys, right?
Not messaging to find out, though.
Yeah, I’m sure it’s a joke. It’s probably someone telling the Nice Guys™ to knock it the fuck off, already.
Striving ally,
That guy reminds me of the guy who wrote about ear buds being misandry from a few months ago.
Remember how Roosh can’t deal with knowing a woman’s just out for a one-night-stand and is using him? Throws him all to pieces, it does.
++ Out of Cheese Error. Redo From Start. Mr. Jelly! Mr. Jelly! Error at Address Number 6, Treacle Mine Road. Melon melon melon; +++Wahhhhhhh! Mine!
All this talk of following the script makes me think of the time Phoebe from Friends got a job as a telemarketer.
PUT YER KILT ON MAN
@Ikeke35
Eliot Rogers actually said that in his manifesto. He complained about how the women “rejected” him, but then his description of all his interactions with women, all he really did was GO OUTSIDE, and wait for the women to throw themselves at him. When they didn’t initiate, he considered it rejection.
The thing is, he probably had plenty of women initiating, by giving him flirty looks, to which he did not respond, because he wanted them to take ALL the steps, not just the first one. Flirting? Not enough. Actually THROWING herself at him? That would have been enough.
PUT YER KILT ON!
Seconded!