Who knew Aesop’s Fables was a pickup bible?
I assume you’re all familiar with Aesop’s story of the fox and the grapes: A fox wants some grapes, but can’t reach them. He walks off in a huff, sniffing that the grapes are probably sour anyway. The moral: “Any fool can despise what he can not get.”
The moral that pickup guru Heartiste draws from the story is a little different. As he sees it, the fox is a super cool alpha male who’s come up with an awesome way to put those slut grapes in their place.
In his latest blog post, Heartiste reports on the phenomenon of the “No Girl” – that is, a woman who turns down your advances before you’ve even said a word by putting up her hand and saying “no.” (Apparently this is a thing.) One of Heartiste’s readers wants to know what he can do to “to salvage and optimize the interaction.”
Heartiste starts off by assuring his readers that the No Girl’s grapes are definitely sour.
The No Girl is usually a 6 or 7 who thinks she’s a 9. Her autonomic rejection is an act put on for the purpose of self-medicating her ever-vigilant ego. Truly beautiful women will rarely do this because 1. they aren’t approached that often by men and 2. they don’t have to prove their worth with SMV striver antics.
Also, No Girls’ elbows are too pointy.
As Heartiste sees it, you need to let these gals know that their grapes are sour – but without sounding too much like the whiny baby that you are. Or, as Heartiste puts it:
[D]isplaying resentment or feeling insulted will redound to the No Girl’s victory. If you want to turn a No Girl into a Good To Go Girl, you’ll need a honed reaction that at once conveys your imperturbability and your cocky disregard for her faggy theatrics.
But fear not, dear readers, for Heartiste has some brilliant retorts you can use to totally show how awesomely alpha you are. Here are a couple of them, which I am not, I repeat not, making up:
“Hey chill out, I was just gonna tell you you have food on your face.”
“Hey chill out, I came over to talk to your friend.”
And the coup de grace:
“No, you don’t use Palmolive. Have you seen your callouses?”
In your face, ladies! YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SOUR!
In the comments, Heartise’s readers offer some of their own brilliant ideas. Again, I am not making any of these up.
“Eww, it looks like you’ve pitted out that blouse really bad.”
“Put your arm down, you’re attracting flies.”
“Raise your hand if you have a yeast infection.”
“Um…I was going to ask if you were one of my sister’s friends. She died last month. Have a nice day.”
“Your hands look like my grandma’s”
“Yeah when I saw no guy around I kinda figured you don’t swallow…you just won me $20.”
Some of them get a little … weird:
“Yeah… I know. I can smell it. You’re not ovulating.”
And threatening:
“10.000 years ago I would be raping you right now. Damn civilization. “
My favorite, though, is this one:
“Hey, whore I play hockey. You know what’s going on so shut up. You should be glad this God’s gift to women even looks you in the eyes.”
Uh, what does hockey have to do with anything?
Can any of you come up with even more brilliant retorts?
@strivingally
@thermonictriode
QFT
@Phoenician
That really got me laughing! Thanks!
What is there to “get”? Socially inept, middle-aged loser gives terrible advice to gullible, bitter misogynists. Film at eleven.
Now I’m thinking of a Fast Show sketch, where a hiker holds out one hand and blows a small plastic horn in order to fend off wildlife. This turns out to be more useful for fending off the man that keeps enthusiastically warning him about the wildlife.
Blowing a horn in their face will probably still be misinterpreted by a PUA.
Ah, 10,000. Oops. Thanks, Tessa.
PotR,
Don’t forget to yell, “PUDDING!”
@Daeron Zimitis
Benjamin Franklin is only a runner-up? And there are women on that top 100 list? NOOOOOO! The PUAs can’t take it?
I mean, come on, Ben Franklin is a known PUA GOD. He was alpha as all get out, and he got the babes, man! He got ALL the babes!
PSA: This is your brain on a mere three hours of sleep and too many potato chips. I’ve been up since midnight, because I had an idea and had to write, and haven’t been able to nod off again since.
Also @Finibiachi
LOVES!!!!
@DRDG – PUA gurus REALLY need to push the art of improvisational acting to these dudes. I mean, if your scene-partner doesn’t follow the script, you don’t prompt them on their lines. You play along and stay in character and steer the scene where it needs to go.
True fact – there have been cases where an actor has DIED on stage, and the actors didn’t really realize what was going on, except that the person who was supposed to wake up from his nap didn’t wake up on cue, and they had to just make it up as they went along in order to get to the end of the scene.
Usually, though, it’s just a case of someone forgetting their line, and the others have to pick up the slack. Really, any good actor will tell you that if you can’t pick up the slack, you can’t really act.
Prompting you on your lines. PFFFT! Tell him not to give up his day job.
Also – grabbing and running? WHAAAAAT?
Actually, that wasn`t the first time when something like that happened to me, first was several years back, late in the evening I was walking down the street, and I heard steps quite close behind me, but didn`t pay attention. And then at the crossroads, a guy also grabbed my ass for a second and very quickly walked away. I yelled at him that I will smash his face, he looked back, smirked and kept walking.
I know that this kind of reaction might get me into serious trouble, but that just goes without thinking, I usually react very aggressively to that kind of touching.
Sometimes I wish I had super powers, so I could really give the smack down to these jerks who grab and run.
@Fibinachi:
That whole post just about slayed me. Thanks.
(The idea that 10,000 years ago, guys like Heartiste would have been allowed to drag women back to their caves by the hair is precisely the sort of drivel one would expect from someone who gets his evolutionary psychology from the supermarket tabloids.)
Two instant responses:
1) Isn’t this pretty much every patriarchal douche’s response to being rejected? I mean, I’ve seen countless examples of someone ignoring or politely declining some asshole begging and pleading for her to fuck him only to have him start ranting about how she’s fat and ugly and probably a lesbian and he was totally not interested in her at all despite seconds ago begging desperately for sex. And the why was pretty much nailed on by this Robot Hugs strip NSFW. So why the heck would Heartiste see the need to formalize it? Oh hey marks who fund me out of misplaced loneliness and resentment of women, you know what you should do when my techniques naturally fail? Do that thing we all do because we have fragile egos and resent women’s sexuality not being something that is ours and ours alone to take on our terms. Now pay me money for this non-advice.
2) I actually kind of love it when PUAs drop the mask and remind everyone of what the real purpose of PUA is. Because it’s not any genuine effort to sleep with women, but rather entirely an elaborate homosocial performance for other guys about how “masculine” you are by being really toxic and mean and rapey to women so that other guys won’t view you as some “wimp” or “queer” (i.e. equivalent to a lowly woman in the eyes of toxic masculinity). And it’s kind of brilliant because it substitutes genuine loneliness with an ever-increasing cycle of resenting and trying to hurt women because of this greater and greater investment in the worsts of toxic masculinity performance (because the more you slip into this philosophy, the more you hang with the exact people who would constantly question your “manhood” for any perceived “failing” instead of people who would react to you as a person).
This is largely why most PUA techniques are far more interested in insulting and creeping out women than anything else and why it serves more as a terrorist action to make women too scared, creeped out, or unsafe feeling to return to what men have decided is “their” space to continue badmouthing women for not being easily accessible to them and providing the sexuality they feel is their right owing to their gender. And this is also why so many of their techniques are either boundary violations, outright rape and sexual assault, or threats of rape/attempts to ruin the woman’s evening by monopolizing her time and constantly insulting her.
Because it’s not about the woman, it’s about the other sad assholes the PUA considers friends and whether or not they see him being “a big man” to her.
I like the idea of blowing a horn in response. Maybe a vuvuzela?
Drdg:
Sorry for that unpleasant memory. I wanted to highlight the petty aspects of the whole grading thing, but it may have been in poor taste.
Maybe not, but “Not interested in even talking to you” is…
Aaaaaand THAT is why the girls are angry with him. He tries to get them talking when all they want to do is pee, and then grabs their butts. Talk about your piss-poor social skills. No wonder this clown doesn’t get any.
OK, it is official: Heartiste is 12 years old.
I hate to say this, but you misspelled “PUA” up there.
I have never been more glad to be a chubby lesbian. I rarely, if ever, get hit on. If I do, I don’t notice it. I’m definitely going to keep the ‘no’ hand in mind, if only so that I can use some of these double-comebacks.
@Arctic Ape – I thought the story was interesting, and it may have been an example of a neg. I’m assuming he didn’t grade you a 10 – and anything below a 10 is supposed to make the ladies go “WAIT NO, I’M A 10, LET ME TOUCH YOUR WEE WEE” or something. I’m still very sorry that happened to you.
To Arctic Ape
It`s ok, no need to appologize!
I`m actually curious about this thing from culture perspective. I don`t know how common this “out of 10” is actually for English speaking folks, but I would argue that for Latvians it is a new influence.
Also, I feel that “you are 2/10” would be more insulting than “you are ugly”, maybe because numbers sort of claim that it`s somehow an objective evaluation, while “ugly” is matter of taste.
A few people have said how you would think the puafools would appreciate someone being direct as it would save time to find someone who might be interested. Also the actually very good idea of a clear labeling system indicating whether an individual is open to approaches.
The problem is that pua’s aren’t interested in women who would be up for a one night stand. Their whole deal seems to be tricking people into having sex who didn’t want to. Is it still considered ‘game’ is she was interested from the beginning? And they certainly don’t want the kind of woman who would have sex with any old schmuck. That’s why they use their wizard tricks to only ‘get’ level10 virginwhores.
I wonder what they do if the woman approaches them. Or has it never happened in the known PUA history?
“Oh, we’re using a script? I don’t think I got my lines. Did we rehearse this scene? “
starkidnina:
I assume that was a reply to Drdg.
PUAs are trying so hard to find a way around having to be attractive in any sense of the word and still get sex “from” women. They resent needing a woman’s consent at all. They are mystified by actual relationships and genuine sexual chemistry. They’ve created this alternate bizzaro universe for themselves where being the worst is a great way to make social and sexual connections so that they never have to be anything else.The people they want to have sex with aren’t lovers or partners, they are contemptible adversaries. They want a cheat code that let’s them overcome those adversaries.
So creepy.
Sadly, that story is much more fucked up. The guy who rated was my boyfriend at the time (we had been dating for month or so at that point). We were sitting in my kitchen when my friend (and roommate) entered, crying, and briefly told about the horrible argument she had with her boyfriend. And then the conversation went something like this:
BF: Why are you together with that guy? You are, like, 8 out of 10, he`s just 6.
Friend: … Oh, ok. Only 8?
BF: Well, 9 would be Drdg. And 10 are very few women.
*Awkward silence*
Me: Actually, that is pretty shallow.
BF: No, it`s just honest.
I felt extremely uncomfortable about all this, especially because I knew about my friends deep insecurities about her looks. I should have handled it better, but it was so unexpected from supposedly intelligent guy. Soon after that more red flags appeared and I broke it off. He then rated me again – this time 6/10, together with some quite insulting comments on my body, but I didn`t care because it was clear that it`s just his injured ego speaking. Since then, I`ve never heard people seriously rating “out of 10”.
I don’t know what the ten points are supposed to stand for. But I do know this: Any guy who uses that system around me gets an automatic zero.
(Actually, I’m guessing those ten points aren’t an objective rating for anything; they’re just a gauge of how the guy feels towards someone. And, as Drdg pointed out, it changes depending on how well or poorly someone responds to you — a “9” when you’re dating suddenly becomes a “6” when she’s dumping? How charming.)