Who knew Aesop’s Fables was a pickup bible?
I assume you’re all familiar with Aesop’s story of the fox and the grapes: A fox wants some grapes, but can’t reach them. He walks off in a huff, sniffing that the grapes are probably sour anyway. The moral: “Any fool can despise what he can not get.”
The moral that pickup guru Heartiste draws from the story is a little different. As he sees it, the fox is a super cool alpha male who’s come up with an awesome way to put those slut grapes in their place.
In his latest blog post, Heartiste reports on the phenomenon of the “No Girl” – that is, a woman who turns down your advances before you’ve even said a word by putting up her hand and saying “no.” (Apparently this is a thing.) One of Heartiste’s readers wants to know what he can do to “to salvage and optimize the interaction.”
Heartiste starts off by assuring his readers that the No Girl’s grapes are definitely sour.
The No Girl is usually a 6 or 7 who thinks she’s a 9. Her autonomic rejection is an act put on for the purpose of self-medicating her ever-vigilant ego. Truly beautiful women will rarely do this because 1. they aren’t approached that often by men and 2. they don’t have to prove their worth with SMV striver antics.
Also, No Girls’ elbows are too pointy.
As Heartiste sees it, you need to let these gals know that their grapes are sour – but without sounding too much like the whiny baby that you are. Or, as Heartiste puts it:
[D]isplaying resentment or feeling insulted will redound to the No Girl’s victory. If you want to turn a No Girl into a Good To Go Girl, you’ll need a honed reaction that at once conveys your imperturbability and your cocky disregard for her faggy theatrics.
But fear not, dear readers, for Heartiste has some brilliant retorts you can use to totally show how awesomely alpha you are. Here are a couple of them, which I am not, I repeat not, making up:
“Hey chill out, I was just gonna tell you you have food on your face.”
“Hey chill out, I came over to talk to your friend.”
And the coup de grace:
“No, you don’t use Palmolive. Have you seen your callouses?”
In your face, ladies! YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SOUR!
In the comments, Heartise’s readers offer some of their own brilliant ideas. Again, I am not making any of these up.
“Eww, it looks like you’ve pitted out that blouse really bad.”
“Put your arm down, you’re attracting flies.”
“Raise your hand if you have a yeast infection.”
“Um…I was going to ask if you were one of my sister’s friends. She died last month. Have a nice day.”
“Your hands look like my grandma’s”
“Yeah when I saw no guy around I kinda figured you don’t swallow…you just won me $20.”
Some of them get a little … weird:
“Yeah… I know. I can smell it. You’re not ovulating.”
And threatening:
“10.000 years ago I would be raping you right now. Damn civilization. “
My favorite, though, is this one:
“Hey, whore I play hockey. You know what’s going on so shut up. You should be glad this God’s gift to women even looks you in the eyes.”
Uh, what does hockey have to do with anything?
Can any of you come up with even more brilliant retorts?
Everything these guys say just confirms that their sense of self-worth is entirely dependent on what other people think of them and how much validation they get from women. They have huge, fragile egos that need constant soothing from external sources in order to not implode into spasming rage tantrums. So confident. Much “Alpha.” Wow.
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pickup_artist.png
This seems highly relevant…
I would stick my pointy elbow in Fartiste’s side and tell him my favorite 90s burn. “Talk to the elbow cause you ain’t worth the extension.”
“The No Girls” is my new band name. We sound like this:
Remember that South Park ‘Imagination Land’ ep? Did this guy cross over and is now reporting to us from there? I know we’re regularly ‘treated’ to his ‘wisdom’ but when are his (presumably-exhausted & ashamed) family going to get onto the sectioning-him-to-a-mental-facility part of his future? Provided some crazy-ass 6 or 7 ‘No Girl’ doesn’t put him out of his misery first … where IS that volunteer list???
“What a coincidence, Dr No is my favorite movie too. Let’s go back to my place to watch it. Also sex.”
“Ok, I’ll stop! but only in the name of love. Ah heh heh heh.”
“A) I believe the word is ‘how’ and B) that is deeply offensive to the Native American community. Good evening, madam!”
“Ok, hold there for a second. I’ve got to check the website of a total douchebag to see what he says about this. Ugh. Come on! Sorry miss, just hold on. God damn it! Free WiFi my ass! Hey, where are you going?”
Holds up own hand Senior Wences style. “Please, you must say yes. I can’t go through with it again.”
As Eye Behold, please don’t do the “conflating being a total shithead and oxygen thief with being mentally ill” thing, or randomly calling people crazy. Joke or not, it’s realllllly not welcome here.
Tips aside, welcome!
Lack of self-awareness — stunning. Simply stunning.
For him, anyway. He’s the kind of dude whose creepitude anyone can smell from across a crowded room.
And all those oh-so-clever sour grapes retorts? The average woman has heard them all before graduating middle school. Fartiste really should get with the times…I mean, all this negging isn’t getting any younger, and neither is he.
Even if he IS only twelve years old in the head.
PS: This song is something I’d love to sing for any PUA who tries to follow the “advice” of Le Fartiste.
PPS: That song came out when I was 12. See what I mean by “heard it all before graduating middle school”?
I’m just looking for an excuse to post this gif because I love it so much.
Lea Michele is Fartiste and his fans. Jessica Lange is all of womankind.
http://i.dlisted.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/leamichelejessicalangeshadegif.gif
More sour grapes. Stick around for the twist ending:
Well, well, a troll who hasn’t two brain cells to rub together.
Why didn’t you save yourself some typing, Wilson, and just do the “It’s Satire!” thing?
Because it isn’t, Fartiste is all about this shit, and an even bigger idiot than you seem to be.
Is “fey” supposed to be an insult? It makes me think of David Bowie.
(quote)“10.000 years ago I would be raping you right now. Damn civilization. “(/quote)
Because one half of the group constantly raping (and therefore probably causing physical harm) to another is the way you build a society in a dangerous environment where every members health and strength can be crucial for the survivor of the society.
This might be relevant: http://www.peacefulsocieties.org/
The only reason a woman would have any reason to put her hand up and say “no!” to an approaching potential, is because the ‘approacher’ is creepy/sleazy as fuck…that is all.
Bina: LMAO at that song! Turns out women can apply the same standards.
While putting up your hand and saying no before the guy has even said anything may seem like a rude way to reject a guy, it’s actually much better than an easy letdwn, because it sends a clear message and leaves no false hopes.
volumes of PUA nonsense about the “friendzone” and how “flaky” women are exists solely because Nice Guys cannot take a hint and they don’t pespect no. The real way to erm “deal” with a “rude” or “flaky” woman? move on, she’s not interested.
The problem with the lifestyle Fartiste and other PUA gurus promote its that they’re setting themselves up for constant rejection. Approaching hundreds of women each day with the same canned lines and an ego as fragile as Fartistes’ or your typical Nice Guy? of course you’re gonna end up miserable.
I can just imagine the next socially inept guy reading Fartiste advice, trying to apply it in real life, only to be shut down and corfirming in his head all the negative shit he already subconsciously believes about women. Voila! a new misogynist is born. It’s sad to think about how easy Fartistes’ advice become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It`s such a great idea! I wish it were a common practice, because I have serious problems with hugs. I only like to hug with very, very close people or on a rare especially emotional occasion. When an acquaintance or a distant friend tries to hug me, I respond, because it`s polite, but I always feel awkward and uncomfortable. My mom tells me I`ve been like this since infancy wen I frequently pushed away even from my parents hugs.
I can imagine some lackwit trying those lines and either being laughed at or getting a drink thrown in his face. Possibly both.
I’ve held up my hand and said no…to pushy sales people trying to get me to buy stuff. I’ve never seen anyone do that outside of that context though.
Maybe Heartiste has been trying to pick up girls while also trying to sell them worthless crap.
You’d think a person saying no has more to do with how much they are into you, rather than how often they are approached. Maybe its just me, I mean, I only ever talk to other human beings about these things, so my sample might be a bit biased.
Like that sales guy who was convinced that women were always out of the office.
Hey, n00b I play World of Warcraft. You know what’s going on so shut up. You should be glad that the Gods of Azeroth’s gift to Night Elves even looks you in the eyes.
Sex now?