Who knew Aesop’s Fables was a pickup bible?
I assume you’re all familiar with Aesop’s story of the fox and the grapes: A fox wants some grapes, but can’t reach them. He walks off in a huff, sniffing that the grapes are probably sour anyway. The moral: “Any fool can despise what he can not get.”
The moral that pickup guru Heartiste draws from the story is a little different. As he sees it, the fox is a super cool alpha male who’s come up with an awesome way to put those slut grapes in their place.
In his latest blog post, Heartiste reports on the phenomenon of the “No Girl” – that is, a woman who turns down your advances before you’ve even said a word by putting up her hand and saying “no.” (Apparently this is a thing.) One of Heartiste’s readers wants to know what he can do to “to salvage and optimize the interaction.”
Heartiste starts off by assuring his readers that the No Girl’s grapes are definitely sour.
The No Girl is usually a 6 or 7 who thinks she’s a 9. Her autonomic rejection is an act put on for the purpose of self-medicating her ever-vigilant ego. Truly beautiful women will rarely do this because 1. they aren’t approached that often by men and 2. they don’t have to prove their worth with SMV striver antics.
Also, No Girls’ elbows are too pointy.
As Heartiste sees it, you need to let these gals know that their grapes are sour – but without sounding too much like the whiny baby that you are. Or, as Heartiste puts it:
[D]isplaying resentment or feeling insulted will redound to the No Girl’s victory. If you want to turn a No Girl into a Good To Go Girl, you’ll need a honed reaction that at once conveys your imperturbability and your cocky disregard for her faggy theatrics.
But fear not, dear readers, for Heartiste has some brilliant retorts you can use to totally show how awesomely alpha you are. Here are a couple of them, which I am not, I repeat not, making up:
“Hey chill out, I was just gonna tell you you have food on your face.”
“Hey chill out, I came over to talk to your friend.”
And the coup de grace:
“No, you don’t use Palmolive. Have you seen your callouses?”
In your face, ladies! YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SOUR!
In the comments, Heartise’s readers offer some of their own brilliant ideas. Again, I am not making any of these up.
“Eww, it looks like you’ve pitted out that blouse really bad.”
“Put your arm down, you’re attracting flies.”
“Raise your hand if you have a yeast infection.”
“Um…I was going to ask if you were one of my sister’s friends. She died last month. Have a nice day.”
“Your hands look like my grandma’s”
“Yeah when I saw no guy around I kinda figured you don’t swallow…you just won me $20.”
Some of them get a little … weird:
“Yeah… I know. I can smell it. You’re not ovulating.”
And threatening:
“10.000 years ago I would be raping you right now. Damn civilization. “
My favorite, though, is this one:
“Hey, whore I play hockey. You know what’s going on so shut up. You should be glad this God’s gift to women even looks you in the eyes.”
Uh, what does hockey have to do with anything?
Can any of you come up with even more brilliant retorts?
…Palmolive? I believe I’ve heard of their “dishpan hands” ads but do they still run them, or is he mining some extremely defunct pop culture references? I’m probably older than the girls he’s supposedly trying to hit on but it took me a minute to figure out what he was trying to get at.
The hockey and ovulating comebacks were bafflingly hilarious, though. mmmm so hot. lol
Saying no is ‘faggy theatrics’.
There are so many things wrong there it hits a whole new level of ‘why talking to this guy would be pointless’.
@Policy of Madness, I agree re: efficiency.
Semi-OT: I remember reading somewhere that in some LGBTQIAP+ clubs, they use a variety of coloured scarves that are used to tell people things like “I’m looking for a hookup” and “I’m only here to drink and dance, sorry” and stuff like that. I don’t know if that’s actually true or just a rumour that never died, but I think it’s a great idea (mainly because I am autistic and sometimes struggle at reading body language and other cues, so this would really help) and I sort of wish everyone did that. Then every time I went out I could put on whatever colour scarf means ‘I am completely uninterested so don’t even bother trying’ and thus avoid getting hit on just because I felt like wearing a pretty dress that day and men decided that meant I was looking for a man to fuck me, harrassed me and then scolded me once they realized I was not interested for their misinterpretation of how I dressed.
You’d think it would be helpful to people like this too – they know who is open to being hit on and who will reject them beforehand. But as you say, it’s not about efficiency, it’s about attacking women for not being interested.
Guys, guys, this has to stop. You cannot salvage your screw-ups by claiming they’re a super-secret technique. Nobody is buying that. In the past week alone, you’ve claimed that yelling insults at women and running away is a debate strategy, that farting in front of a woman you’re trying to impress is “Fart Game,” and now that getting blown off before you even open your mouth is a legit pickup move.
I’m starting to just feel bad for you now. Although I did laugh at Fart Game.
I’m getting a “YOU CAN’T FIRE ME CUZ I QUIT” vibe from Roissy’s advice.
Semi-related topic: Does anybody know what this dude’s job is? Or is he on a trust fund like the majority of Dork Enlightenment and PUA’s (Roosh, Ted Beale, etc)?
Well, the largest lesbian/bi party in my city did a few such events, but it was more an occasional theme than an ongoing rule.
Jenny,
That’s called flagging and while I don’t know if it’s common anymore, it is real.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handkerchief_code
Jenny – there’s a group that I belong to, and when we have our regional or national / international meetings, we use “hug dots” which go on our badges – red means “do not hug me or anything like that”, yellow means “I’m okay with being touched, but ask me first”, green means “I love being hugged by anyone and everyone!” and blue means “I’m single and looking”. Everyone knows to check out the dots first and to obey them (and I haven’t heard of anyone disobeying) – it works very well.
On one hand, I find it hard to believe that any woman outside of a TV sitcom has ever really done the “holding up one hand in a stop signal like she cannot EVEN” thing.
On the other hand, if ever a man could inspire such a move, it’d be a serial rapist who has in recent weeks given up on brushing his teeth or wiping his ass.
@Shaenon:
Are Heartiste and Roosh the same person? I thought they were different people and that Roosh was the one who listed basic acts of hygiene as some sort of extraneous ‘grooming’ he only did to impress the ladies.
The guy with this awesome burn must literally be ten years old.
Wait, I just used a blockquote to quote something from over on heartiste’s site. Is that wrong? Are blockquotes only for other WHTM comments?
@ Rahu
That sounds amazing!
That’s a wicked burn if you’re in grade three.
Serioulsy, someone tried to turn it into an ‘up high down low too slow’ joke? They don’t get that maybe she won’t even try to slap down low, and just keep on glaring at him for touching her when she made her refusal clear? Yeesh.
Why is it so many PUA tips talk about dealing with 6s or 7s, anyway? I thought these guys were Alphas! Shouldn’t they be pulling 9s and 10s exclusively?
Why, it’s almost as if they are so unsuccessful at talking to women they are desperate for whatever female interaction they can manage, even those they don’t really find attractive. But that can’t be right, because that’s not Alpha at all…
I don’t know what to say to this so here is a picture of a cat.
http://imgur.com/gallery/nScazCd
“Hey chill out, I was just gonna tell you you have food on your face.”
I was hoping to attract a wasp, not an annoying insect like you.
“Hey chill out, I came over to talk to your friend.”
*turns to friend* Your turn!
“No, you don’t use Palmolive. Have you seen your callouses?”
You’re right, women should be chained to the kitchen all day every fucking day. What was I thinking?
“Eww, it looks like you’ve pitted out that blouse really bad.”
Eww. Just…eeeeewwwww.
“Put your arm down, you’re attracting flies.”
Still more than you’re attracting.
“Raise your hand if you have a yeast infection.”
Will it make you leave me alone more quickly if I do?
“Um…I was going to ask if you were one of my sister’s friends. She died last month. Have a nice day.”
I read Reddit, too, asshole. You may continue to go fuck yourself.
“Your hands look like my grandma’s”
Do you keep them with you? You seem the sort.
“Yeah when I saw no guy around I kinda figured you don’t swallow…you just won me $20.”
Yeah, when I saw no woman around I kinda figured you don’t respect…you just won me $100.
“Yeah… I know. I can smell it. You’re not ovulating.”
Yeah… I know, I can smell it…you’re not bathing regularly.
“10.000 years ago I would be raping you right now. Damn civilization. “
Well that changes everything! Let’s get married tomorrow and have lots of sex and babies! *extends middle finger*
“Hey, whore I play hockey. You know what’s going on so shut up. You should be glad this God’s gift to women even looks you in the eyes.”
*covers eyes with hands* Quick! How many eyes do I have? (seriously y’all will be amazed at how many men get that one wrong)
Are Heartiste and Roosh the same person? I thought they were different people and that Roosh was the one who listed basic acts of hygiene as some sort of extraneous ‘grooming’ he only did to impress the ladies.
You’re right, I’m sorry. Those are totally different creepy pickup dudes, and only one of them has stopped washing his ass.
I hope.
Great move Heartiste….I mean normally if you wanted to be rejected by every woman in a club you would have to be a creep to every single one of them, but with your “I’ll insult you when you reject me” you’ll be able to be rejected by everyone with only two or three interactions in total. That frees up your night to go home and wirte about how “Feminism killed sex” or some such bullshit.
Wasn’t the whole idea of “being alpha” was to “be able to have sex with a lot of people”- or was it just trying to annoy people. Because if it’s the former “Sorry to both you, hope you have a good night”-better change of getting laid by someone (not necessarily the person you initially contacted but someone else) than a “UGH-I AM A CHILD AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW TO RESPOND TO DISSAPOINTMENT YET” whine will, but whatever gets the results you want.
Why is it so many PUA tips talk about dealing with 6s or 7s, anyway? I thought these guys were Alphas! Shouldn’t they be pulling 9s and 10s exclusively?
It’s just more sour-graping. “Yeah, well, you’re not that hot anyway! You’re only in the 60th percentile for hotness! By the way, hot women fall for my moves, so you can prove you’re one of the hot ones by sleeping with me… please…?”
It’s like he’s trying to neg women who aren’t even around.
*applauds Shaun*
Roissy’s in his mid-forties. That’s a little old to still be doing the bra-strap-snapping thing and obsessing over “Zingers For Every Occasion!”
I kind of like the “I play hockey, whore! So shut up!” response. It seems like a more honest manifestation of their thought processes. (That’s your cue to say “Good, I’m icing you” and turn back to your conversation with your fascinating, witty friends.)
NPR or PRI or one of them had a bit a few months ago about “the good guy discount.” Narrator had a friend who’d brag about how he was always getting 5% off here, 10% there, sometimes 15%. All he did was ask for a good-guy discount.
Narrator tries it out himself, but feels pretty gross about the whole thing. It finally works, the fifth time – clerk gives him a token cut off some ancient bit of inventory. Narrator decides the 23 cents (or whatever) he saved wasn’t worth the self-loathing, but thinks to himself … “How often does this work for my friend?”
Turns out his friend, the true believer, strikes out about 80% of the time, too. He just persistently asks for the discount and gets lucky sometimes.
I guess my point is that, when self-delusion and shamelessness allow for endlessly repeated trials, you can get a positive result from _anything_.
“I noticed you have hands. I have hands too. Do you really want to pass up these babies!” *does a jazz hands*